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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this isn't up to FIL?

293 replies

yutuko · 13/10/2021 20:44

FIL lives a few hours away, and during half term we’re going to visit him. DS1(16) asked if his friend could come, DP said yes and we thought it was all sorted. We told FIL today (as FIL was talking about talking us all for a meal) and he said that it’s meant to be a family visit and he doesn't want to take the friend for a meal.

We will be staying in an Airbnb so we didn't think it would be an issue for him and DS has said he and his friend will probably go somewhere together anyway.

Am I BU to think this isn't up to FIL?

OP posts:
DFOD · 14/10/2021 21:36

@MrsDeaconClaybourne

This is one of those threads where I feel like I live in a parallel universe. I just can't imagine this being a problem. We lost MIL and FIL recently but they'd have loved to meet any of the DGCs friends and be pleased they were enjoying their holiday more by bringing a friend. As would my DM.

I'm an only child and often had friends at family stuff and me at theirs. One of my BF lives about 60 miles away and occasionally take my DM when I visit so they can have a catch up.

If it was a formal family event like a wedding or something i could just about understand but to me part of being a family is extending a welcome to each other's friends. You don't lose out and you might gain something.

I agree with this 100% - maybe I am from a much more open and embracing culture. I have 4 kids and they often each take a mate with them when we go on holiday - often to my home country where their English friends hang with all my extended family and their DCs …. the more the merrier!
AmyDudley · 14/10/2021 21:36

You were very rude to invite the friend then present it to FIL as a fait accompli.

MY kids were always happy to see their grandparents. It isn't normal teenage behaviour to act like you are doing the whole world a favour just marginally complying with everyday family events. The choice isn't your DS refuses to come or he comes and is grumpy and ruins the visit, There's a third choice of your DS comes and is pleasant and well behaved and treats his grandfather kindly. He can manage without his friend for a few days.

I hate his idea that all teens are grumpy unpleasant, ruin things, don;t want to visit family, won;t do anything unless they are given something in return. Mine were never like that, I was never like that, if you accept such a low level of behaviour from teens then that is what you will get because you are indulging their selfishness, and they will feel the whole world revolves around them and what they dictate.

MrsSkylerWhite · 14/10/2021 22:07

Vivi0

Look, don’t you dare tell me what my children’s relationship with their grandparents is like. You don’t know me or my children.

I used the word “martyr” in response to all the comments made about the OP’s son along the lines of but his grandfather is sad, his grandfather wanted his full attention, won’t he consider his grandfather, he won’t be around much longer.

No child should be forced to put an adult’s feelings above their own.

The son wants to take a friend. He takes the friend. His grandfather is an adult. He can deal with it.

And on the subject of loving relationships, what’s loving about preventing your grandson taking a friend on what would otherwise be a boring holiday for him.“

Blimey. Defensive or what.

Stilsmiling · 14/10/2021 22:13

Could FIL have had something that he wanted to chat about or announce at the meal? Something that he doesn’t want your son’s friend to be part of?

Eggsdancing · 14/10/2021 22:21

I think it's a bit weird to take your kids friend to visit family

not really, he is 16 so has likely had little interest in conversing with the adults and would rather have a mate his own age to hang out with, peers are much more important in those years. I recall family coming to visit us years ago and the teenage kids bringing mates, nobody thought anything of it.
I even recall my aunt in her 40s who used to visit once a year bringing friends several times from abroad.

Fraine · 14/10/2021 22:36

@MrsSkylerWhite

Vivi0

Look, don’t you dare tell me what my children’s relationship with their grandparents is like. You don’t know me or my children.

I used the word “martyr” in response to all the comments made about the OP’s son along the lines of but his grandfather is sad, his grandfather wanted his full attention, won’t he consider his grandfather, he won’t be around much longer.

No child should be forced to put an adult’s feelings above their own.

The son wants to take a friend. He takes the friend. His grandfather is an adult. He can deal with it.

And on the subject of loving relationships, what’s loving about preventing your grandson taking a friend on what would otherwise be a boring holiday for him.“

Blimey. Defensive or what.

You made some unfounded assumptions about Vivi0, which were very unfair.
Fleshmechanic · 14/10/2021 23:43

They're a teenager. Teenagers like to bring their friends so they're not bored. I'd tell him that and that it won't be that way forever, eventually they'll bring a partner some day instead. Just make it clear you'll pay for the friend and there isn't much you can do during the difficult teenage years, at least they've agreed to come with you 🤷‍♀️

choli · 15/10/2021 01:58

No child should be forced to put an adult’s feelings above their own.
Why?

luckylorca · 15/10/2021 07:27

I agree with StilSmiling! There’s something else going on here!

If FIL’s reaction is unusual and he’s usually much more laid back and welcoming to all - I think he had planned to make a major announcement at the meal or at some time during the trip. Maybe he has cancer/is moving to Scotland/has found a dial-a-bride?! By suddenly having a stranger there, your FIL no longer feels able to announce whatever major news this might be.

Sounds odd maybe, but that’s my suspicion if FIL refusing to accept your son’s friend being there is out of character….

gannett · 15/10/2021 08:16

@SallyWD

As your son's friend is coming I find it quite odd that he should be excluded from the meal. It's an unfriendly thing to do! At the same time I feel sad that everyone's saying it's normal for a 16 year old to hate spending time with their grandparents. Of course I know friends are everything at that age (it was the same for me) but at 16 I loved seeing my grandparents! I'd go and stay with them on my own and really looked forward to it. I never stopped loving their company just because I was a teenager. I didn't realise that was so unusual. I suspect the grandfather is feeling a little hurt and that's why he's reacted like this. Or is he a shy, socially awkward man?
There is no "normal" here though. It depends on what the relationship is.

It's a tautology but teenagers enjoy spending time with people who they like and are interested in, and who they feel like and interested in them back. From their peers to their grandparents.

They don't enjoy spending time with people they don't feel a connection to or they feel they have to put on a stiff, formal mask in front of.

If that connection doesn't exist at 16 then you might think it's sad but you can't force it. It's not an automatic connection just because they're related.

RealBecca · 15/10/2021 08:41

My friends and family always had a more the merrier attitude. Teenagers always want to bring friends, he will grow out of it. I think if friemd is coming he ahould be invited for the meal.

Barmychick · 15/10/2021 09:00

Team Fil

Mere1 · 15/10/2021 09:12

You aren’t thinking of your father in law.

Diverami · 15/10/2021 11:29

A 16 year old might have nothing to say to his grandfather and might hate coming. It is too bad his grandfather cannot extend his hospitality to his friend - both or none. Still the boy's Dad should have mentioned it first - and I expect that if he had said NO, his grandson might not have come on the visit.

irregularegular · 15/10/2021 11:34

It's certainly up to your FIL who he takes out for a meal! And while it would be nice if he was happy to have the friend along, it's not at all unreasonable for him to prefer not to and to say no. I assume he doesn't even know the friend.

Clearly it isn't up to your FIL who stays in the airbnb. But it might be very disappointing for him if it means he doesn't get to see much of his grandson when he was expecting to.

Unless there is some backstory here, I think you are being quite inconsiderate of your FIL and need to talk to your DS about how to make this work as well as possible for everyone.

irregularegular · 15/10/2021 11:48

Not everyone always enjoys meeting people they don't know, even if they are friends of friends/relatives. Not everyone feels "the more the merrier". Just because some posters feel like that, doesn't mean that everyone feels the same or that this makes you a better person. Some people find these scenarios genuinely stressful and much prefer small gatherings with people they know well. Being introverted isn't the same as being a twat! There's no right/wrong on that preference.

But I do think it is rude to invite someone along without consulting the person you are visiting and jus assume it is OK. I'm surprised at those who don't see that.

Fraine · 15/10/2021 12:39

@irregularegular

Not everyone always enjoys meeting people they don't know, even if they are friends of friends/relatives. Not everyone feels "the more the merrier". Just because some posters feel like that, doesn't mean that everyone feels the same or that this makes you a better person. Some people find these scenarios genuinely stressful and much prefer small gatherings with people they know well. Being introverted isn't the same as being a twat! There's no right/wrong on that preference.

But I do think it is rude to invite someone along without consulting the person you are visiting and jus assume it is OK. I'm surprised at those who don't see that.

I'm surprised you don't see that it's controlling of the grandfather to try and dictate who comes along on a week long break.
Eggsdancing · 15/10/2021 23:50

*It's a tautology but teenagers enjoy spending time with people who they like and are interested in, and who they feel like and interested in them back. From their peers to their grandparents.

They don't enjoy spending time with people they don't feel a connection to or they feel they have to put on a stiff, formal mask in front of*

don't we all feel like that regardless of age?

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