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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this isn't up to FIL?

293 replies

yutuko · 13/10/2021 20:44

FIL lives a few hours away, and during half term we’re going to visit him. DS1(16) asked if his friend could come, DP said yes and we thought it was all sorted. We told FIL today (as FIL was talking about talking us all for a meal) and he said that it’s meant to be a family visit and he doesn't want to take the friend for a meal.

We will be staying in an Airbnb so we didn't think it would be an issue for him and DS has said he and his friend will probably go somewhere together anyway.

Am I BU to think this isn't up to FIL?

OP posts:
PinkWaferBiscuit · 13/10/2021 21:18

@yutuko

DS had a girlfriend when he first refused, and DP told him she could come with us, but they've broken up so DS has asked if this friend can come.
So is he actually intending on seeing his grandad at all or is he planning on spending the whole time with his mate?
Bellyups · 13/10/2021 21:19

YABU. It’s a family visit.

peboh · 13/10/2021 21:20

Of course yabu. You've stated you're going specifically to visit FIL meaning it's a family visit. He probably wants to see his family, not miss out on seeing his grandkid because he's too busy with friends.

edwinbear · 13/10/2021 21:20

I think it’s quite clear who rules the roost in OP’s house.......

Daphnise · 13/10/2021 21:21

You don't like the FIL and perhaps this is why you favour the visit to him being with an additional stranger?

Perhaps you anticipated his reaction and don't regret it?

Kite22 · 13/10/2021 21:26

*Agreed. You've already admitted he will be going off with this friend so he won't actually be seeing his grandad.

No wonder FIL is frustrated if he had been looking forward to seeing and spending quality time with his grandson and now he won't get to do any of that.*
I mean realistically even if he agreed this boy could attend the meal will your son actually talk to his grandad or will he instead be only interested in his friend?

This

Some of you set a very low bar for your teenagers.
Mine have all always wanted to see Grandparents. they don't need to be cajoled or bribed or persuaded or bargained with.

Totallydefeated · 13/10/2021 21:28

DS is very close to friend and if we said no I suspect DS would refuse to come and ruin the whole trip anyway.

Gosh, how has it come to it that he would feel he should behave like this? Can’t he spend a little time with his grandad with a modicum of grace, without needing to be surgically attacked to a mate he sees all the time?

frumpety · 13/10/2021 21:29

How long is the trip for ? a couple of days ? the week ?

What are the ages of the other children who are going or is it just DS ?

Fraine · 13/10/2021 21:32

FIL sounds like a controlling twat.

PinkWaferBiscuit · 13/10/2021 21:34

@Fraine

FIL sounds like a controlling twat.
I think you're reading a different thread entirely. What the heck is controlling about wanting to spend time with your grandchild rather that them coming on a family trip and fucking off the whole time with their mate?
HaileyBailey · 13/10/2021 21:34

YABVU. I feel for your FIL

Pinkpepper79 · 13/10/2021 21:36

So what would have happened if DS's friend was in a relationship with that person. At 16 it's kind of expected that they take their BF or GF with them. It's a very important part of learning social skills. FIL grew up in a very different time so maybe find a way to compromise.

oakleydo · 13/10/2021 21:36

Fil is being unreasonable. Its not a big deal.

Your son is 16. Almost an adult. They're not kids

Will FIL be against partners coming along too, in the not too distant future?

Abraxan · 13/10/2021 21:36

Some of you set a very low bar for your teenagers.
Mine have all always wanted to see Grandparents. they don't need to be cajoled or bribed or persuaded or bargained with.

This. I can't imagine Dd refusing to visit her grandparents. She actively wants to see them and, now at university, calls them off her own back every so often just for a chat and catch up.

To be fair to teens, if those I know, all visit and want to see grandparents.

I don't see a family trip like this to be the type of trip you take a mate too tbh.

You say your da will go out with friend instead of the meal. Will he even see and spend time with his grandad now?

I think it's pretty sad that people really think grandparents should have to feel grateful that their grandchild have deigned too see and speak to them!

Fraine · 13/10/2021 21:37

@PinkWaferBiscuit I think you should let people voice their opinions instead of telling them they’re wrong.

FIL can’t dictate to people travelling hours to visit him and staying in a Bnb.

Littleheart5 · 13/10/2021 21:38

YABU! Your poor FIL thinking he was going to have proper family time and instead will have to make polite conversation with a teenager he doesn’t know. Might be time to have a good chat with your DS about kindness towards his GF if he ‘refuses to come’…

SylvanasWindrunner · 13/10/2021 21:38

My best friend when I was a kid came to stay with me at my grandparents' house loads of times! And vice versa.

Personally it's not something I would ever get worked up about or care about, but it's clear some people do, so I'd maybe just say that you'll either pay for the meal or you'll skip the meal and do something else instead if that's the sticking point.

LadySybilRamekin · 13/10/2021 21:40

What's the context of DS/FIL's relationship? I'd see it differently if FIL hasn't made any efforts to build a relationship over the years so his grandson wants to see him and just expects it as his due.

PinkWaferBiscuit · 13/10/2021 21:40

[quote Fraine]@PinkWaferBiscuit I think you should let people voice their opinions instead of telling them they’re wrong.

FIL can’t dictate to people travelling hours to visit him and staying in a Bnb.[/quote]
Hes not dictating though is he. He was clearly misled into believing the holiday would be a chance to spend time with and se his grandchild and has now discovered that his grandson is actually bringing a mate and he probably won't even see him. He's not being controlling at all and I'm baffled anyone thinks he is. Hmm

icedcoffees · 13/10/2021 21:40

I think you were all very rude for inviting DS's friend along without checking with the family member you're going to visit.

Having someone else there changes the dynamic and I think you should have spoken to FIL before agreeing to take a friend.

Your 16yo is more than capable of having a holiday without his mate, btw.

grapewine · 13/10/2021 21:41

@Littleheart5

YABU! Your poor FIL thinking he was going to have proper family time and instead will have to make polite conversation with a teenager he doesn’t know. Might be time to have a good chat with your DS about kindness towards his GF if he ‘refuses to come’…
I couldn't agree more with this.
Totallydefeated · 13/10/2021 21:42

@Littleheart5

YABU! Your poor FIL thinking he was going to have proper family time and instead will have to make polite conversation with a teenager he doesn’t know. Might be time to have a good chat with your DS about kindness towards his GF if he ‘refuses to come’…
Exactly
Graphista · 13/10/2021 21:43

As pps say barring the possible drip feed of a horrible grandad here.

Why does ds have an option to refuse the trip?! If he is still at school and you're still supporting him then ultimately he still needs to be doing as he's told when it comes to important family events.

Hell he should be valuing his grandfather more than he clearly does anyway!

I wouldn't have been allowed to refuse at that age and nor would my siblings.

I wouldn't have allowed dd to be so rude and selfish either.

It's not just the money it's as pps and I have said it's the dynamic and time spent with his grandfather

I loved spending time with my grandparents when I could, I often went to visit them myself once I was old enough, parents would cover the travel costs and I'd hop on the train and head up for a week or long weekend.

I don't understand this in terms of I'd expect your ds and yourselves to be more considerate.

Tilltheend99 · 13/10/2021 21:46

Is this some roundabout way of introducing sons partner to Fil? If was just a ‘friend’ this would be no reason for DS to ruin the whole trip unless you are about to tell us he has SEN or you are both incredibly entitled.

HireStarter · 13/10/2021 21:48

It's not about the money - who's paying for what.

FIL wants time with his family. That's why you're going.

Your child is 16. Therefore doesn't call the shots. Cancel the friend and explain to son that the week is to see grandad, not friend.