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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel sad DH expects me to be happy about this?

319 replies

stepmoa · 11/10/2021 20:44

After not meeting DSD's maternal family in all the time that I've known her (6+ years), largely driven by her grandparents refusing to accept that DH moved on after her DM (their DD) died when she was a young child, some relatives have now decided they want to meet me. They've asked to come to our house and DH has arranged the first date we are all free.

For context, DSD and I have a great relationship now and I treat her like my own DD but in the early years it was complicated as she couldn't understand why her other family and I were entirely separate. It's only as she has got older age has she realised that it was their choice and she and I now have a strong bond.

DH doesn't understand why I'm upset that after being shut out for years I am not only expected to have to meet them but to host as well. I will do it for DSD but it is not the start of a great relationship when it's taken so long and he is defending them about it. I feel they've let DSD down as this could have happened years ago and saved the poor girl a lot of sadness.

YANBU - it's reasonable that you are upset and DH should be more sensitive to this
YABU - they've done nothing wrong and are within their rights to invite themselves

OP posts:
Brollywasntneededafterall · 11/10/2021 20:47

Well surely dh hosts them? He can cook and boil the kettle.
Dsd can entertain them.
You can sit in the wings and drink tea...

Original poster
stepmoa · 11/10/2021 20:52

Haha well I guess so but it's not that simple maybe would rather be holed up in the kitchen than having to speak to them

OP posts:
PieMistee · 11/10/2021 20:56

It's not black or white.
They lost a child, struggled to deal with it (understandable)
They should have been more welcoming you are right to feel upset (understandable).

Life is very short I would be very friendly and hope you can make a new start. It wasn't you they didn't like but the face you represented the loss of their daughter/sister etc.

moonshine3600 · 11/10/2021 21:01

I agree with @PieMistee
It's sad on both sides tbh.
They may only feel ready to meet you now.

If it was me I think I'd be making abit of an extra effort on the day to be nice and remember the heartache they've been through.

EileenGC · 11/10/2021 21:07

@PieMistee

It's not black or white. They lost a child, struggled to deal with it (understandable) They should have been more welcoming you are right to feel upset (understandable).

Life is very short I would be very friendly and hope you can make a new start. It wasn't you they didn't like but the face you represented the loss of their daughter/sister etc.

These were my thoughts as well. They were mourning their daughter. It's something that doesn't go away when a new person enters the scene sadly. Perhaps they're only now in a place when they can consider meeting you and it being another step in the healing process.

It wasn't nice of them to make you feel unwelcome but I'd try to see it from their perspective and be civil and happy to meet them.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 11/10/2021 21:08

I clicked YANBU as it's normal to feel upset.

But given the circumstances I can understand why they did what they did. It's not logical but try and reframe it as grief over losing their daughter rather than a rejection of you. It was probably right they stay away if they were just going to be breaking down thinking 'it should have been (daughters name)' every time they saw you.

Because of this I think I would make an effort. Your husband can do his share of hosting. I'd try and go in with an open mind.

gamerchick · 11/10/2021 21:10

Would I fuck agree to this. Mutual territory only the first time. Tell him to sort it.

Original poster
stepmoa · 11/10/2021 21:11

It's not the grandparents that want to come, it's her aunt and uncle. They wanted to meet a few years ago but it never materialised because the grandparents obviously got involved behind the scenes and didn't want them to meet me. So I feel a rift has been created by going beyond grief and controlling other family members at the expense of DSD's wishes

OP posts:
FlorenciaFlora · 11/10/2021 21:12

A meeting somewhere mutual might have been more appropriate.

Did your husband actually ask you before he arranged this meeting?

Ginger1982 · 11/10/2021 21:12

How long after their DD died did you and toot DH get together? People can be funny about the length of time a widow/widower grieves for before apparently moving on.

MichelleScarn · 11/10/2021 21:12

What was the time between her passing away and you meeting DH?

MrzClaus · 11/10/2021 21:15

I think YABU.

You came in and took the role of someone who died - that's going to be tough for any family. Your DSDs grandparents will forever mourn their child, and it's not an emotion any parent thinks they would have to go through. If the aunt and uncle want to meet now (who have lost a sibling too) then I think you should do anything you can to facilitate the first meeting, then see what happens.

Noodella18 · 11/10/2021 21:16

Well if the aunt and uncle were keen to meet a few years ago then I don't think it's fair to be upset with them. You don't know what the grandparents told them.

What's your issue with hosting them at yours? Genuine question, I wouldn't feel worried about that personally.

Original poster
stepmoa · 11/10/2021 21:16

@FlorenciaFlora he checked the dates we were free but I wasn't asked if was possible.

It was a couple of years gap, so not ages. I wasn't his first girlfriend either but the first one that he mentioned

OP posts:
TisBrilliant · 11/10/2021 21:16

Awkward … but this is a chance for a fresh start. Let DH do everything and be clear about your expectations of this type of thing in the future. I hope it goes well OP.

PikachuAndMe · 11/10/2021 21:16

Could you go out for a meal somewhere neutral?

Zilla1 · 11/10/2021 21:17

It's good you have a good relationship with your D(S)D, OP. I can see why you feel hurt. It must have been hard for them to lose a family member but arguably they should have made an effort for the well-being of their DGD. Might it be helpful to meet at a pub or third location because then you can choose to leave when you want which you can't do easily at your own home, though I understand the benefits of a kitchen refuge. Good luck,

aSofaNearYou · 11/10/2021 21:18

In the past, were they simply unwilling to meet you, or was there active hostility? I think it would be reasonable of them to simply not want to know you due to their grief, I don't think it was an essential family bond for DSD. But there's no excuse for any nastiness.

I think the most annoying part really is the expectation that you will be "hosting". You shouldn't have to feel that way when your DH invites people over.

TaraR2020 · 11/10/2021 21:19

I really sympathise with you, op.

Can you book a nearby pub for a meal? That way you only have to provide drinks and small talk, all the cooking etc falls to someone else , in a neutral space.

It's also fair to say that given they've wanted nothing to do with you until now, and you're likely to be feeling 'assessed' that you meet somewhere neutral. After all this time, the meeting needs to be fair to you as well and I would expect your DH to support that.

Returnoftheowl · 11/10/2021 21:20

I think somewhere neutral might be better to meet them, rather than your DH expecting you to host.

Bluntness100 · 11/10/2021 21:22

I’m not sure you’re being fair, they lost a child and struggled to see her replaced in their eyes

I don’t understand your desire to be punitive snd make it worse for your step daughter,

Original poster
stepmoa · 11/10/2021 21:22

I wouldn't say active hostility but I would email them about school events and they would only ever forward my email to DH and reply to him, that kind of thing. They cancelled a few weekend visits with her if he was suddenly away on business travel and couldn't facilitate a handover rather than meet me, so I often had to deal with the fallout of her disappointment of not seeing them and with her dad away. I think that is what has affected me, feeling that pain she had.

OP posts:
BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 11/10/2021 21:23

Your DH should understand why you feel the way you do but then you should understand their feelings. They lost a daughter/ niece and it must be difficult for you to have seemingly taken her place. DH will be sympathetic because he knows them and their grief. Their actions may not seem fair to you but it's not personal to you and not about you. Suggest a neutral venue if it helps but you must have some compassion.

Peoniesandpeaches · 11/10/2021 21:24

I don’t get the big deal with hosting it. Feels like you are looking for an excuse to still be mad they listened to the maternal parents wishes for those years. Either you are really open to a relationship or you aren’t.

Ginger1982 · 11/10/2021 21:24

[quote stepmoa]@FlorenciaFlora he checked the dates we were free but I wasn't asked if was possible.

It was a couple of years gap, so not ages. I wasn't his first girlfriend either but the first one that he mentioned[/quote]
Mmm, do you got together a couple of years after she died and he's had girlfriends before you? I can understand why her parents might fe upset about that, though I appreciate it's technically no one's business but his.

I get this is upsetting for you, but I think I would put your DSD first. If you can forge a relationship with her aunt/uncle then surely that's got to be better? I know it's hard, but as the adult I would say you need to rise above how you feel for her sake.

That being said, I don't think this should be happening for the first time at your house. Can't you all go to a softplay or something so it's less intense?

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