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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel sad DH expects me to be happy about this?

319 replies

stepmoa · 11/10/2021 20:44

After not meeting DSD's maternal family in all the time that I've known her (6+ years), largely driven by her grandparents refusing to accept that DH moved on after her DM (their DD) died when she was a young child, some relatives have now decided they want to meet me. They've asked to come to our house and DH has arranged the first date we are all free.

For context, DSD and I have a great relationship now and I treat her like my own DD but in the early years it was complicated as she couldn't understand why her other family and I were entirely separate. It's only as she has got older age has she realised that it was their choice and she and I now have a strong bond.

DH doesn't understand why I'm upset that after being shut out for years I am not only expected to have to meet them but to host as well. I will do it for DSD but it is not the start of a great relationship when it's taken so long and he is defending them about it. I feel they've let DSD down as this could have happened years ago and saved the poor girl a lot of sadness.

YANBU - it's reasonable that you are upset and DH should be more sensitive to this
YABU - they've done nothing wrong and are within their rights to invite themselves

OP posts:
Loveshelly · 11/10/2021 21:58

Why would the OP do any handovers
Op. I’m sorry, but their grief is palpable. Perhaps they aren’t handling it that well. But he obviously moved on quickly, and you became a replacement for their dead daughter. I can’t imagine anything more tough.
Not only is their daughter dead, the person they thought loved her as much as they loved her moved on pretty quick. They no longer have the close bond to “his” family.

It’s so complex. You need to be the bigger person.

Feelingoktoday · 11/10/2021 21:59

Try not to make this about you. A little girl has lost her mum.

Fraine · 11/10/2021 21:59

@Feelingoktoday

Try not to make this about you. A little girl has lost her mum.
What a nasty comment. OP has done nothing wrong here.
LemonWeb · 11/10/2021 22:00

OP I can see why you would feel hurt and I can see that you understand your DH’s relatives’ pain. If you can see this as an opportunity for reconciliation and healing then you might all find some happiness from it.

Notimeforaname · 11/10/2021 22:01

When my sister died my parents did try so hard with my BIL's new partner but it was heartbreaking for them. Every event she was involved in was a reminder that their daughter wasn't

This sums up what I imagine the grandparents must think and feel all the time.

Original poster
stepmoa · 11/10/2021 22:01

Yes this is mum's sibling.

Thank you to all the posters who have said kind things about what I have done for DSD, I would do it all a thousand times over for her. I am going to have a chat with her and see what she feels about it. I don't think DH has stopped to think that after so long (she's nearly a teenager) that she might be uncomfortable too.

OP posts:
callmeadoctor · 11/10/2021 22:01

[quote stepmoa]@MacMahon he hasn't - the occasional coffee or drink perhaps, other than that she's handed over in service station car parks on the weekends they've agreed to see her. That's why I was slightly shocked that he was keen to have them around, he's always maintained he's preferred less contact[/quote]
Oh my goodness, how sad is that! Your DH hasnt really helped the situation has he?

esloquehay · 11/10/2021 22:02

Bloody hell, I can totally understand why they didn't want to meet you, but your feelings around this are totally valid.
Your husband has been a bit of a numpty over this. It's a lot of pressure of you, hosting the family of DSD's dead Mum. Plus, surely it's awkward and shit for the visiting relatives?
Grief can and does twist some people. It's not right, but it happens.

diddl · 11/10/2021 22:02

I wouldn't have thought it was so much a case of them shutting you out as finding it unbearable to let you in.

Can you imagine how awful for them to see the three of you as a family?

NeverDropYourMooncup · 11/10/2021 22:02

I think the phrase 'moved on' would be the most difficult thing to hear. They can't move on from their daughter dying. Nobody can move on from that, the best they could do was live with the pain and loss - so I really hope that neither of you ever used that phrase (and it's not unheard of for the widow/er to be so caught up in having met somebody else that they do say such things).

It's very possible that they are really finding this difficult, they're anxious, worried that it will all hurt too much, but are trying really hard to do this - yes, you're feeling awkward and uncomfortable potentially having them in your home, but they're going to be feeling the same stepping foot into your home when the one thing they would wish above all else is that it wasn't your home, it was their daughter's.

I honestly think that it would be the right thing to do to gird your loins and be as warm, friendly and welcoming as possible, however hard that is. Because as far as they are concerned, every instinct is telling them that it's wrong that you're there, it's wrong that she's gone, it's wrong that they should have to do this - but they're trying.

Loveshelly · 11/10/2021 22:03

I think your DH does not come across well in all of this

Loveshelly · 11/10/2021 22:04

Parents/sibling. Doesn’t really make much difference.

neeenor · 11/10/2021 22:04

I can see both sides.
The grandparents are hurting and they lost their child. They shouldn't take it out on you but I can understand why they can't face you.
I also understand that you've done nothing and have been treated poorly and that's hard.
Could you suggest a mutual location, coffee shop? A meal out? Afternoon tea?

Anyway, if not, I think you just need to rise above this one and get on with it to move forward.

Original poster
stepmoa · 11/10/2021 22:05

@callmeadoctor not really but I think he could see that I was doing my best for DSD and interactions were painful for him as they were being so difficult with him too. I can see why he didn't want to play happy families with them.

OP posts:
FWBNC · 11/10/2021 22:05

I understand their grief

I understand them not wanting to meet someone taking the place their daughter should have had

What I don't understand is them not putting their daughters daughter first !

However, what's done is done, but I understand your hurt & anger on HER behalf!

Your DH though, where does he get off just telling you this is happening!????

No fucking way should he be telling you this is happening and it's happening in your home & you will be there! Just NO.

He should have asked you how you felt about meeting up with them and if you were willing to, how you'd prefer to go about it.

Decide whether you're willing to meet them & if so, what you'd prefer, then tell him to arrange that. Let him know if he continues with plans you're not happy with, you will go out...& may not come back.

callmeadoctor · 11/10/2021 22:06

@stepmoa

Yes this is mum's sibling.

Thank you to all the posters who have said kind things about what I have done for DSD, I would do it all a thousand times over for her. I am going to have a chat with her and see what she feels about it. I don't think DH has stopped to think that after so long (she's nearly a teenager) that she might be uncomfortable too.

Awwww, so this is your step daughters aunt who your dh has maintained that he wants less contact with. The poor woman has lost her sister and her B.I.L. seemingly doesnt want much to do with her. She must be heartbroken Sad
Pendore · 11/10/2021 22:08

OP I understand where you are coming from, especially when you say you feel sad on behalf of DSD.

If it were my children, I would want my family to put their feelings first and to make every effort to spend as much time as possible with them and to get to know the person who had taken on my role.

From what you have said it sounds as if the DM's family's grief has taken control and made them forget the little girl in the midst of all of this, which is very sad. However this meeting with the aunt and uncle is an opportunity to have them more involved in your lives.

Your DH should be more sensitive about the situation but perhaps he is burying his disappointment and sadness about it all too and trying to put on a positive front.

I hope for the sake of your DSD the meeting goes well. I think it would be better to go out for a meal rather than hosting at home. Best of luck.

Original poster
stepmoa · 11/10/2021 22:08

We are not the same family unit though, we have my DC and a DC of our own now. DSD lives in a totally different family unit and they've never seen her in that, she is really happy.

OP posts:
hamstersarse · 11/10/2021 22:08

I just think you’ve all got more to bond over than fight over

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 11/10/2021 22:09

I'm 23 years on from my sons death.

He was still little, so didn't have a child, but, even this far on from his death things still cut like a knife.

Even on my children's birthdays, however happy I am, there's always a pang of sadness because my son never made it to that age, when they pass exams, or start work or any other milestones I am so very proud, but it also reminds me exactly what I have lost.

I can absolutely imagine how difficult it would be to see someone else taking my sons place and raising his child. It wouldn't matter who that person was, it would still sting, it wouldn't be personal on any level, but when your child dies you have to go into self protection mode just to get through each day to begin with, slowly it moves to each week and month then it's when you know there will be something that can trigger you.

Sadly you being there is that trigger for them, but they are now trying, and it will have taken a lot for them.

Your feelings are absolutely valid here and you sound like you've been amazing in your dsds life, it would be really amazing if you could give them a chance.

Original poster
stepmoa · 11/10/2021 22:09

@callmeadoctor DH has backed away from the parents not the sibling, he hasn't seen much of the sibling as they've been busy doing their own thing for the last few years

OP posts:
Feedingthebirds1 · 11/10/2021 22:09

@stepmoa

I've not met the grandparents, this is her aunt and uncle wanting to visit (who previously backed out a few years ago seemingly at the request of the grandparents)
Do you think that if/when they find out, the grandparents might put pressure on to back out again? I only ask because if there's a risk of that it might be better not to make too much of the visit in front of DSD.
Fraine · 11/10/2021 22:10

[quote stepmoa]@callmeadoctor DH has backed away from the parents not the sibling, he hasn't seen much of the sibling as they've been busy doing their own thing for the last few years[/quote]
And as they’re settling down, they’ve decided that they’d quite like to be waited on and hand foot by you.

SuperCaliFragalistic · 11/10/2021 22:11

@Bluntness100

I’m not sure you’re being fair, they lost a child and struggled to see her replaced in their eyes

I don’t understand your desire to be punitive snd make it worse for your step daughter,

These are my feelings about the situation. Why are you so emotional about this? These people lost their daughter/sibling and you have merrily stepped into her shoes expecting them to be fine with it. And now it's all about your feelings?
Couchbettato · 11/10/2021 22:11

Yanbu. I think going out for something to eat where you can chat and relax and get to know each other would be better than in your home where you feel like you've got your back against the wall.

If you suggest this to DH what does he say?