to feel sad DH expects me to be happy about this?

[stepmoa]

After not meeting DSD's maternal family in all the time that I've known her (6+ years), largely driven by her grandparents refusing to accept that DH moved on after her DM (their DD) died when she was a young child, some relatives have now decided they want to meet me. They've asked to come to our house and DH has arranged the first date we are all free.

For context, DSD and I have a great relationship now and I treat her like my own DD but in the early years it was complicated as she couldn't understand why her other family and I were entirely separate. It's only as she has got older age has she realised that it was their choice and she and I now have a strong bond.

DH doesn't understand why I'm upset that after being shut out for years I am not only expected to have to meet them but to host as well. I will do it for DSD but it is not the start of a great relationship when it's taken so long and he is defending them about it. I feel they've let DSD down as this could have happened years ago and saved the poor girl a lot of sadness.

YANBU - it's reasonable that you are upset and DH should be more sensitive to this
YABU - they've done nothing wrong and are within their rights to invite themselves

It’s never been about OP’s feelings though, has it?

I also think meeting on neutral ground would be more sensible.

Yanbu to feel upset about the years that have gone by, but of course it must have been hard for them, having lost their own daughter.

Because maybe dsd isn’t even bothered now? She has her family unit.

I think that might be one of the most callous things I've read on here.

@SuperCaliFragalistic it's about my feelings now because I have a right to choose how I want to spend my time. I don't know what it feels like to lose a child but I have sat and cuddled DSD when her weekend with her grandparents has been cancelled because they refuse to meet me in a service station car park when DH couldn't go. So yeah, I don't have much time for anyone who would do that to a child.

@Thatsplentyjack

Because maybe dsd isn’t even bothered now? She has her family unit.

I think that might be one of the most callous things I've read on here.

Have you followed the exchange or are you just inferring your own incorrect interpretation?

They lost their daughter, they've had to live with the knowledge that someone else is doing all the things their daughter should have been doing with their granddaughter. I can only imagine how heartbreaking and difficult that would be for them.
You emailing them to invite them to things for their grandchild is ridiculous actually. That should have been down to her dad. It's not your place to invite them.

The only thing you can do is suck it up and pretend to be ok for your SD. You have no idea how the GP have portrayed the situation to her and as she gets older and naturally starts wanting to know more about her mum, and that side of the family, she may well start blaming you if your behaviour isn’t encouraging.

And your DH couldn’t find anyone other than you to hand over,
Honestly. I think you need to get a bit of a grip. And I think you’re DH is really unreasonable, he actually actively wished he saw his dead wife’s family less. I’m sure they felt that.
Just put your big girl pants on and be a better human. Stop thinking it’s about you.

I had a similar experience after losing my husband to cancer some years ago. It wasn’t his family who were the problem though, it was mostly mutual friends who took the view that I was being disrespectful when I met and started dating the man who is now my husband. After 6+ years, I don’t think their continuing resentment of you is entirely down to grief, especially if they’ve actively interfered when other family members have wanted to meet you, and without much consideration for your DSD’s feelings. Your DH is probably finding it difficult to navigate the issues and I can tell you from experience that ‘moving on’ inevitably involves a sense of guilt - even though you know it’s misplaced - and even now, their attitude may serve to reinforce this, so you need to understand his point of view. As others have suggested, maybe meeting somewhere neutral would be better at first. It will take the pressure off you if you don’t have to play the host, and can concentrate on getting to know them and maybe build bridges. You sound very caring and I’m sure with an open and honest conversation you can work it out between you.

Fraine, no perfectly capable of reading thanks. Nowhere does it say that the child isn't bothered about seeing her grandparents anymore, and to say that's because now she has her "family unit" is awful.

But if she didn’t invite them she’d be accused of keeping them away from their dgd. Step-mothers can’t win.

It's an incredibly difficult situation to be in.

My brothers 2nd wife is basically in your position the only difference being that brother and 1st wife were already divorced when she died.

Grief can hit people in odd ways. My late sil family when new sil came along also struggled and didn't feel able to meet her straight away.

When they did, I have to say they went out for a meal so they were on neutral ground? It also meant there was something of a time limit as you don't stay for hours in a restaurant after you've eaten as you might at home.

I think that did make it easier for everyone. Especially if you are living in the deceased mum's former home?

I think in your shoes I would say to dh that you think it would be easier for all concerned if a neutral spot for a meal were chosen.

I know they're an mn hated thing but possibly a "family" pub with a play area attached if dc are going to be there (do they have dc too? Is this because they've recently become parents themselves?)

That would allow for the odd moment at least for just the adults to talk or even that first meeting could be adult only an evening meal?

I think baby steps would be good here.

I'm afraid I do think that while I understand their raw grief at the beginning/early stages their behaviour since has been poor and not prioritising your dsds needs above their sensitivities.

Another relative of mine was "widowed" young (they weren't married living together) and her "in laws" behaved appallingly - they basically booted out of her family home and they never had contact with her or the dc after the father died awful situation!

People can be very strange at times

And I think you all (you, dh and dsd if she is involved/knows) need to be prepared for them potentially backing out again too

Dh doesn't seem to have put much thought into this at all has he?

Of course you have the right to chose how you spend your time. But if you take over from a dead woman. You must have some comprehension of how that makes others feel

@Fraine

But if she didn’t invite them she’d be accused of keeping them away from their dgd. Step-mothers can’t win.

Hmm not true, she just didn't need to be the one doing the inviting. Stop projecting.

I’m not sure you’re being fair, they lost a child and struggled to see her replaced in their eyes

I’m sure OP is well aware of the issues given she will have been living with the shadow of a mother/wife who has died. After all this time she will be well versed in treading that fine line.

I don’t understand your desire to be punitive snd make it worse for your step daughter,

Where has she even hinted she will do that?

Losing a child must be the most painful experience anyone can ever experience. I can't even imagine it. It must be excruciating.

I would suggest neutral ground for the first meeting. It will be difficult for everyone.

Why must the simplest things become a battle? Making compromises in situations like this isn’t a bad idea. It seems you want to create a drama where there really is no need for one.

Everyone is sad and they have every right to be. It’s a sad situation. You now have to decide whether to make the situation a bit better or a bit worse.

I think in your situation I’d be most nervous about what you’re all going to talk about and do, so I might suggest something centred around your SD that distracts you all and gives you a neutral focal point for the first meeting, eg museum or park or an activity of some kind. I can understand your reluctance to host because they might judge you/your house, but also it might be awkward. I can’t really sympathise with your undertones of ‘they didn’t make me feel welcome so why should I make them feel welcome’, due to the exceptional circumstances.

There’s a lot of expectation to be perfect on here, I think. To react to everything perfectly. To always say and do the correct thing.

No, your husband perhaps hasn’t handled things well. But being widowed with a young child is difficult and messy and who always gets it right?

No, emails from you probably weren’t particularly appropriate with hindsight. But you were feeling your way through a difficult situation and I imagine did what you thought was best at the time.

The family have treated you badly. Probably down to their grief at the time, and then the longer these things go on, the harder it is to reverse them. Too much pride, too much water under the bridge. They didn’t get it right.

But maybe it’s time for everyone to show a little humanity and forgiveness.

Stop thinking it’s about you.

They are coming to meet her for the first time, after rejecting her for years. Of course it is about the OP. If she is to present herself in a way that doesn’t make them run off again, she should feel comfortable with the situation. For DH to just arrange it without consulting her is a crappy thing to do.

Loveshelly I think your comments are getting unreasonable now.

@MichelleScarn

What was the time between her passing away and you meeting DH?

That shouldn’t matter.

My father remarried after a year.

Instead of supporting us kids, my favourite people from my mothers side disappeared. They complain now that we aren’t close, but they chose to let their resentment and grief come between us.

Adults need to be the adults.

@Thatsplentyjack

Fraine, no perfectly capable of reading thanks. Nowhere does it say that the child isn't bothered about seeing her grandparents anymore, and to say that's because now she has her "family unit" is awful.

Clearly not, as you would have seen my comment was in response to a poster asking why OP is dragging her feet about meeting an aunt and uncle who were cruel enough to cancel days out with their niece simply because OP would be the one doing the 2 minute drop off.

Nowhere did I say the DSD isn’t bothered about seeing her grandparents

But you have jumped into a dead woman's life and expected her parents and siblings to be alright with that. Maybe they haven't always put DSDs feelings first (and they should have tried) but can't you understand that they are probably very shocked at how easily their daughter was replaced? Your DH should have dealt with this issue better but you could at least be supportive of them trying to make amends now.

[quote stepmoa]@SuperCaliFragalistic it's about my feelings now because I have a right to choose how I want to spend my time. I don't know what it feels like to lose a child but I have sat and cuddled DSD when her weekend with her grandparents has been cancelled because they refuse to meet me in a service station car park when DH couldn't go. So yeah, I don't have much time for anyone who would do that to a child.[/quote]
Sounds more like her father did that. Through 'moving on'. Through having handovers in petrol stations. Through assuming that they'd be fine seeing somebody else being Mummy or doing the grunt work of dropoffs because he's happy.

I wouldn't normally do this, but I think it's actually potentially useful; try to imagine one of your own DC has died. Now imagine that your DH has left and is with somebody else - somebody else's DC is in their place, playing with your DC's toys, having cuddles with your DH - and he says 'why can't you accept that I've moved on?' and sends his girlfriend/new wife to drop off the remaining DC to you at a motorway service station and to contact you about sports days because he says he's too busy to do it himself or it wouldn't occur to him to let you know about things relating to the surviving one.

No, it isn't quite the same - but even a moment's thought about that might give you an idea of the pain they may be feeling, exacerbated by your DH's treatment of them.