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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel sad DH expects me to be happy about this?

319 replies

stepmoa · 11/10/2021 20:44

After not meeting DSD's maternal family in all the time that I've known her (6+ years), largely driven by her grandparents refusing to accept that DH moved on after her DM (their DD) died when she was a young child, some relatives have now decided they want to meet me. They've asked to come to our house and DH has arranged the first date we are all free.

For context, DSD and I have a great relationship now and I treat her like my own DD but in the early years it was complicated as she couldn't understand why her other family and I were entirely separate. It's only as she has got older age has she realised that it was their choice and she and I now have a strong bond.

DH doesn't understand why I'm upset that after being shut out for years I am not only expected to have to meet them but to host as well. I will do it for DSD but it is not the start of a great relationship when it's taken so long and he is defending them about it. I feel they've let DSD down as this could have happened years ago and saved the poor girl a lot of sadness.

YANBU - it's reasonable that you are upset and DH should be more sensitive to this
YABU - they've done nothing wrong and are within their rights to invite themselves

OP posts:
namechange30455 · 11/10/2021 21:46

@stepmoa

Interesting feedback about the overstepping, I never thought of it like that, it was a couple of invitations for sports day or something as a similar olive branch as I know it would have meant a lot to DSD.
Why didn't your DH invite them rather than you? I too can see why this upset them.
StaplesCorner · 11/10/2021 21:46

I think the missing point here is that the cost of their behaviour has been paid by the little girl, the child of the daughter/sister they loved and lost - does such a loss justify that? No it doesn’t. Grief Isn’t an excuse for shitty behaviour. And wtaf did you do wrong OP?! Nah, I’m not buying the lamenting family. Why didn’t they put that child first?

godmum56 · 11/10/2021 21:47

oh dear what a sad and difficult situation. How does your DSD feel about this? would it make her happy? because to me that's a bit more important that your feelings....only a bit but still.

For me i would want the meeting on my turf because there its my rules. Its where I am the most confident and yes I'd host because again that gives me the power....but I am not nice.

I do think its a bit much of DH didn't discuss it with you first, but at the heart of this is something you can do for your daughter.

Lollypop701 · 11/10/2021 21:48

The grandparents can’t move on, and are dragging everyone else in on their grief. Not ok but Understandable, the aunt and uncle have gone along with it, to try to not make it worse. They don’t know you so haven’t considered your feelings. Your dh should be putting you first. But he wants to take any olive branch, to try to get over the stalemate. He probably sees it as putting his dd first. The whole situation is awful and complicated and yanbu to feel the way you do . What would you feel comfortable with? Can any compromise be reached that you would accept more? You have my sympathy op and I hope the situation gets easier

Loveshelly · 11/10/2021 21:48

I think you really have to accept their behaviour was never about you. It might have been directed at you. But it wasn’t about you.

as someone else said, go in as if it’s the first time. And perhaps think about how devastating it is for someone to deal with another person who slots into the shadow of the daughter they loved unconditionally.

Notimeforaname · 11/10/2021 21:48

I agree it's not about you specifically. It would have been any woman who effectively took the place of their daughter.

Obviously this isn't your fault or intention but can you imagine the pain they must feel, knowing their granddaughter cuddles up to another woman instead of their daughter - her mum?

I cant imagine how it makes them feel. Again this isn't your fault but I would definitely not overstep my boundaries and as others have said let her dad take the lead on everything child related.

MacMahon · 11/10/2021 21:48

How has your DH maintained a relationship with them if you have been excluded?

aSofaNearYou · 11/10/2021 21:49

@StaplesCorner

I think the missing point here is that the cost of their behaviour has been paid by the little girl, the child of the daughter/sister they loved and lost - does such a loss justify that? No it doesn’t. Grief Isn’t an excuse for shitty behaviour. And wtaf did you do wrong OP?! Nah, I’m not buying the lamenting family. Why didn’t they put that child first?
Why would this situation be so upsetting for the child, though? Unless it was presented as essential for your step mother to know your maternal grandparents?
DGFB · 11/10/2021 21:49

I agree it should have been your DH emailing the family about school stuff, not you.
Please don’t take it personally, their grief has probably overwhelmed them.
Try not to make this about you - be nice and pleasant, make this a good experience for your dsd.
And you sound like a lovely stepmother to her by the way, it’s lovely you’re close

HireStarter · 11/10/2021 21:51

I can see why you feel the way you do. That's ok.

But you also need to think about it from their perspective. They suffered tragedy, shock, trauma. They responded by being in denial and probably quite bitter. That's normal. They lost their daughter prematurely.

I think you need to take a step back from your own feelings now, realise that they went to hell and back, and accept their invite to meet with grace and forgiveness

NerrSnerr · 11/10/2021 21:53

When my sister died my parents did try so hard with my BIL's new partner but it was heartbreaking for them. Every event she was involved in was a reminder that their daughter wasn't.

I can understand why they've pulled away. This meeting will be much harder for your in-laws than for you in my opinion.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 11/10/2021 21:53

I also agree that it should have been your DH emailing the family about school stuff. I can see why that would have upset them.

You've got to remember that this isn't actually about you. It feels personal to you but you (in their eyes) have replaced their dead daughter and not only that, emailing them about their grandchild/nieces sports day.

Grief affects everyone in different ways and for different lengths of time especially with the death of a child.

If I were you I would meet them, don't judge them and let it be a fresh start.

justjuggling · 11/10/2021 21:54

Maybe try to think of hosting as being an advantage - home turf and all that, plus I’m sure DSD will be more comfortable in her own home and can maybe show them things like photos, her bedroom etc.

Fraine · 11/10/2021 21:54

@aSofaNearYou

Why would this situation be so upsetting for the child, though? Unless it was presented as essential for your step mother to know your maternal grandparents?

For the reasons given by OP, such as their refusal to see DD when it was OP doing the handover, therefore upsetting dd who was looking forward to seeing them.

Original poster
stepmoa · 11/10/2021 21:54

@MacMahon he hasn't - the occasional coffee or drink perhaps, other than that she's handed over in service station car parks on the weekends they've agreed to see her. That's why I was slightly shocked that he was keen to have them around, he's always maintained he's preferred less contact

OP posts:
Fraine · 11/10/2021 21:55

Of course OP should be polite, but expecting her to cook and dance attendance on people who have treated her like a pariah for 6 years is too much.

Let DH host.

prisscalledwanda · 11/10/2021 21:55

This is just a very sad situation for absolutely everyone involved. So YANBU to feel sad about the latest twist of it now.

But it sounds like you are a great step mum and if you can possibly find it in you to persevere through for the sake of you step daughter, that would clearly be the best thing for her.

Coronawireless · 11/10/2021 21:55

If you’re so concerned about DSD’s wishes regarding having the families meet up then why are you dragging your feet about doing it now? Put her first, as you claim you want to do, and meet them with a smile. As you sat, this is about her, not you, so act like it!

LadyEloise1 · 11/10/2021 21:55

When reading your original post I thought it was the grandparents who were coming to visit.
Then I read that it's a grand aunt and grand uncle that are going to visit.
Have you met the grandparents yet ?

I too think a neutral venue would be better than you hosting in your home.

ShaneTheThird · 11/10/2021 21:55

I think you need to take a step back from your own feelings now, realise that they went to hell and back, and accept their invite to meet with grace and forgiveness

Op is allowed to vent her feelings on here. And yes grief does strange things to us but being a cunt years after a loss is not acceptable no matter what. Ignoring someone for years because they met a widower is rude.

Fraine · 11/10/2021 21:56

@Coronawireless

If you’re so concerned about DSD’s wishes regarding having the families meet up then why are you dragging your feet about doing it now? Put her first, as you claim you want to do, and meet them with a smile. As you sat, this is about her, not you, so act like it!
Because maybe dsd isn’t even bothered now? She has her family unit.
Original poster
stepmoa · 11/10/2021 21:56

I've not met the grandparents, this is her aunt and uncle wanting to visit (who previously backed out a few years ago seemingly at the request of the grandparents)

OP posts:
Hadtocomment · 11/10/2021 21:57

You know I'm so often on the fence with threads yet with this I feel so much for you! I don't actually think from what you have said here that they have behaved at all well. The key part for me is here is someone who has come into their granddaughters life and is bringing her up. And has a good relationship with her. If it was my family I would want to meet you and I would feel it was important for the child to have that figure in her life and to make it ok for her. And also for you. You're doing an amazing thing for their granddaughter. I know that they must feel very traumatised but I don't think avoiding you for so many years was the answer and it just gets harder to put right then doesn't it?

perhaps the family had some idea it was too soon. Perhaps they thought because of this it might not last. Something like that. I don't know. What I would say is that the siblings might have felt pressure from the parents. They might all have felt angry because anger is part of grief and it was easier to get angry about him getting together with someone else. Guessing though is useless as it might be totally unfair and take you down a wrong assumption.

I think you have a right to be upset and even angry yourself. But what I'd try to do is get this out in some way. Maybe write it down how its made you feel. Really explain and discuss with DH how it's made you feel. It sounds like he was so pleased he's almost rushed off with the idea immediately without stopping to really ask you about your feelings. Try and talk it out and try and get more understanding from him. Write and write. Get it out. Then I'd tear it up and put it in the bin and go long and meet them with no anger or preconceptions. Maybe they feel worried or a bit anxious or regretful. Maybe they don't know how to be. Something is really driving them to change the situation now so they can't be hostile. They must feel that want to create a relationship and get to know you and try and forge ahead. They must know you have made such a difference to your step daughters life. For the sake of her and also for yourself put that initial unfortunate lack of welcome behind you, and try and approach it with a fresh slate looking forward. But no I don't think you're at all unreasonable. I think you're human. And doing a great thing.

NerrSnerr · 11/10/2021 21:57

@stepmoa

I've not met the grandparents, this is her aunt and uncle wanting to visit (who previously backed out a few years ago seemingly at the request of the grandparents)
Is it your step daughter's aunt and uncle (so sibling of the mum) or sibling of the grandparents?
Practicebeingpatient · 11/10/2021 21:58

You have everything here. You have a loving husband and child you love like your own and who loves you back. They've lost a child, a sister and they are probably now worried about losing the niece/grandchild too.

Of course it's their own 'fault' but grief is crazy and irrational. Freud called it a temporary insanity. People do stupid, crazy, unreasonable things when mourning.

As @Loveshelly has so wisely said this was never about you, it was about their loss. Be the bigger person here of you can. Welcome them into your home. Hopefully good will come of it. If nothing else it will be a great lesson for your DSD in forgiveness and reconciliation.