to feel sad DH expects me to be happy about this?

[stepmoa]

After not meeting DSD's maternal family in all the time that I've known her (6+ years), largely driven by her grandparents refusing to accept that DH moved on after her DM (their DD) died when she was a young child, some relatives have now decided they want to meet me. They've asked to come to our house and DH has arranged the first date we are all free.

For context, DSD and I have a great relationship now and I treat her like my own DD but in the early years it was complicated as she couldn't understand why her other family and I were entirely separate. It's only as she has got older age has she realised that it was their choice and she and I now have a strong bond.

DH doesn't understand why I'm upset that after being shut out for years I am not only expected to have to meet them but to host as well. I will do it for DSD but it is not the start of a great relationship when it's taken so long and he is defending them about it. I feel they've let DSD down as this could have happened years ago and saved the poor girl a lot of sadness.

YANBU - it's reasonable that you are upset and DH should be more sensitive to this
YABU - they've done nothing wrong and are within their rights to invite themselves

[quote stepmoa]@callmeadoctor it's disappointing that you think there is reason to believe that I've not been honest about the facts of various situations.

The meet up is not for a while yet so I am sure there is more stress to come about it. I suppose my original post was out of frustration and I am glad that many people empathise with that. In further conversations with DH, the GPs have apparently flat out told him they have no intention of ever meeting me so he thinks that solves one problem but I foresee as a few have also said, DSD backing out of certain situations having to choose between her DSM and DGPs. It would always be stressful at this point but I just feel sad for her and angry that they have pre-judged me as a person because no matter what some posters think, I am not a bad person and I've done my best[/quote]
That’s so sad they’ve made that decision.

I think it says a lot for your relationship with your DSD that her Aunt and Uncle are stepping out of the Grandparents control of that situation.

I wouldn’t be surprised if they’ve realised that by taking their parents stance (I assume one is the sibling of her late DM?) it is likely them who will start to drift from your DSD’s life as she becomes an independent adult and chooses to have you at occasions. As well as having realised that their stance is incredibly short sighted and not remotely in your DSD’s interests.

Now hopefully this me being overly concerned about them, but there are a few things that I think you and your DH should think of. Primarily what happens if they ever put pressure on your DSD for things like - “we’ll pay for your wedding, but…” and any pressure about their age and missing things.

I know you’ve said she’s a teen now, but it’s very worth your DH having a letter with his will if he wants her to remain with you if anything should happen to him. He can’t will her or anything like that, and as a teenager her opinion would be taken into account by a court, but it’s a worthwhile option having his opinion notes in black and white so it can never be left with someone else saying “well he told me…”

@SpaceshiptoMars that is so sad. I don't know if that's the case here but that's no way for anyone to live.

We need to formalise arrangements but DSD is getting old enough to express her wishes. We've put it off because neither of us can face the idea of one of us going. I think there would be an almighty shitstorm if DH died and it was there in black and white that he wanted her to stay with me. There are no relatives close by for her to stay at school, maintain her friendships and she wouldn't ever choose to leave her sisters. But you're right, we need to do it. She is part of my extended family too and regularly goes for sleepovers with her sisters to my parents, siblings, godparents etc. The loss for her if she was taken away would be huge.

OP,

I think you have acted in good faith here.

However grief stricken the GP's are, and continue to be, they have allowed their only grandchild to be collateral damage in their insistence that they not meet you, going so far as to try and block their grandchilds aunt visiting.

I think it goes beyond grief and is very controlling.

Your DSD's aunt must have suffered greatly too, loosing her sibling, but she was stopped from also seeing her niece be happy and much loved.

My grandmother lost her only daughter very suddenly when she was only a year married to her lovely husband (before I was born).

It broke her and granddad's hearts.

When granddad died some 35 years later, she said sad as she was, it was just incomparable to her grief at loosing her eldest child and only daughter years ago.

It makes it even more incredible that she genuinely wished her son in law well when he married 4 years later.

She told me she was very happy for him at the time, as he had adored my aunt and she couldn't bear the thought of him being alone for ever.

He visited her once a year for the rest of her life and they exchanged Christmas cards.
He also gifted my grandmother all her jewellery, including her stunning engagement ring and all his gifts to her.
I never met him but he sounded like a lovely man.

Both my grandmother's were incredible women.

[quote stepmoa]@SpaceshiptoMars that is so sad. I don't know if that's the case here but that's no way for anyone to live.

We need to formalise arrangements but DSD is getting old enough to express her wishes. We've put it off because neither of us can face the idea of one of us going. I think there would be an almighty shitstorm if DH died and it was there in black and white that he wanted her to stay with me. There are no relatives close by for her to stay at school, maintain her friendships and she wouldn't ever choose to leave her sisters. But you're right, we need to do it. She is part of my extended family too and regularly goes for sleepovers with her sisters to my parents, siblings, godparents etc. The loss for her if she was taken away would be huge.[/quote]
@stepmoa this shit storm is exactly why you need it put in place ASAP.

I think you sound wonderful. If I died tomorrow I hope my husband finds a partner like you to help raise our kids.

[quote stepmoa]@callmeadoctor it's disappointing that you think there is reason to believe that I've not been honest about the facts of various situations.

The meet up is not for a while yet so I am sure there is more stress to come about it. I suppose my original post was out of frustration and I am glad that many people empathise with that. In further conversations with DH, the GPs have apparently flat out told him they have no intention of ever meeting me so he thinks that solves one problem but I foresee as a few have also said, DSD backing out of certain situations having to choose between her DSM and DGPs. It would always be stressful at this point but I just feel sad for her and angry that they have pre-judged me as a person because no matter what some posters think, I am not a bad person and I've done my best[/quote]
Apologies, thats not what I meant at all. I was referring to the fact that your DH s relationship with his dead wifes family would probably read as entirely different from their point of view ( ie as in 2 sides to the story). I was not in the slightest doubting your honesty.

I would be the bigger person.
Draw a line in the sand.
Make a new start.. be open and friendly.. after all you have had this lovely time with your (step )daughter... you have a good relationship with her.. so do it for her... give her the example she needs growing up. She will thank you when she is an adult and understands the full situation.

@Bonbon21 totally agree.

The aunt and uncle making this decision is quite a big shift and you should welcome them even if their decision is late.

I agree @Bonbon21, but I think the OP sounds like someone who will try to do that because she has always wanted the best for her DSD.

The aunt was possibly put in a very difficult position by her parents, to not visit.

Op I'd definitely try to bring the visit forward, sooner the better. Get it over and done with, the longer you wait the more it will play on your mind. Even if it means a short meeting, coffee at the service station at drop off or pickup. Sooner the better.

And yes you need to sort wills for both of you and the 3 children, it would be brutal for them to be split should the worse happen.

Good luck your doing a great job.

www.gov.uk/government/publications/form-cpra2-step-parent-parental-responsibility-agreement

It looks straightforward enough to gain PR for her.

That is definitely something that Op and her DH should look into.

@SpaceshiptoMars. That’s still no excuse. After 8 years they should have faced their grief and recognised that they were not the only ones grieving. This isn’t grief, it’s about control and manipulation. They are angry that their SIL has moved forward with his life and they have not control over that. They have tried to manipulate other members of the family and until now it’s worked. The lack of concern they’ve had for their SIL and their GD is breathtaking. I don’t know if I would ever e able to forgive it.

After 8 years they should have faced their grief and recognised that they were not the only ones grieving.

It's as if the OP's DH and his daughter, in their eyes, suffered no grief at all. They were the only ones to be bereaved and only they count.

[quote Rosscameasdoody]@SpaceshiptoMars. That’s still no excuse. After 8 years they should have faced their grief and recognised that they were not the only ones grieving. This isn’t grief, it’s about control and manipulation. They are angry that their SIL has moved forward with his life and they have not control over that. They have tried to manipulate other members of the family and until now it’s worked. The lack of concern they’ve had for their SIL and their GD is breathtaking. I don’t know if I would ever e able to forgive it.[/quote]
I don't want to 'excuse' anyone. But I don't think you can tell people how to grieve, particularly for a child. This is the kind of grief that destroys families, as each member grieves in a different way. (I've lived through a lot of tragedy, so, you know, front row seat).

There is not enough information to know the parents' motives. Some people are so terrified of losing self-control that they just can't go there. Utterly blocked. It's horrible for the OP, and she has zero responsibility for it all, but she is probably the only one in the situation with a sane head on her shoulders.

No one has the right to tell a parent who has lost a child that they have grieved enough. Clearly you even think that you have not suffered a close bereavement. There is no time limit to grief and I would imagine losing a child changes your life and for some ruins their lives.

Nobody can tell a parent how to grief but at the same time disappointing their GD because they don't want to have to say hello to her stepmum just isn't right.

The Ops DH has had a pounding on this thread, when actually he deserves credit for continuing to encourage contact after that happened the first time.

In an ideal world the Dad would have been able to do all drop offs but we don't live in an ideal world

When people say it was too soon; how long would have been appropriate? The OP has become a loving step mother to the little girl. That is positive for her. Would life have been better without the OP? Doubtful.

No doubt the grandparents were initially clouded by grief but their behaviour has resulted in them reducing their relationship and affecting the child. It would have been in their own interests to be more accepting of the OP however difficult it was for them. In cold hard logic, they’ve already lost their daughter but by being difficult they may also lose their relationship with their granddaughter. Equally they have to accept the DH has a right to move on and has done. The clock can’t be turned back and chances are it will be the OP doing a lot of the organising, life admin around the children.

I’m pretty sure the grief for an adult child doesn’t go away. The grief and heartache that their daughter isn’t here and you’re doing her job. It’s not your fault of course but I don’t think they can control their grief so easily. They’ve not said anything bad about you as far as I can tell, just not able to see you in the role of ‘mum’. It would’ve stung when you started inviting to school events and stuff. I’d have left that to DH even though it sounds like you only have good intentions. Someone lost this young is just a tragedy and has sad, rubbish effects that can last a long time.

@Feelingoktoday. Not really sure who you’re responding to here.