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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel sad DH expects me to be happy about this?

319 replies

stepmoa · 11/10/2021 20:44

After not meeting DSD's maternal family in all the time that I've known her (6+ years), largely driven by her grandparents refusing to accept that DH moved on after her DM (their DD) died when she was a young child, some relatives have now decided they want to meet me. They've asked to come to our house and DH has arranged the first date we are all free.

For context, DSD and I have a great relationship now and I treat her like my own DD but in the early years it was complicated as she couldn't understand why her other family and I were entirely separate. It's only as she has got older age has she realised that it was their choice and she and I now have a strong bond.

DH doesn't understand why I'm upset that after being shut out for years I am not only expected to have to meet them but to host as well. I will do it for DSD but it is not the start of a great relationship when it's taken so long and he is defending them about it. I feel they've let DSD down as this could have happened years ago and saved the poor girl a lot of sadness.

YANBU - it's reasonable that you are upset and DH should be more sensitive to this
YABU - they've done nothing wrong and are within their rights to invite themselves

OP posts:
GoodnightGrandma · 11/10/2021 21:24

I think you should not meet at home. Meet on neutral ground.

Original poster
stepmoa · 11/10/2021 21:26

I don't want to make it worse for her @Bluntness100 at all but my last post you will see how awful it's been for her already

OP posts:
DowntonCrabby · 11/10/2021 21:26

Somewhere neutral would have been much better, I agree. Don’t feel you owe them anything more than polite and respectful civility OP.

HamCob · 11/10/2021 21:26

Are you sure that you are actually ready to meet them?

In your posts you come across as very hostile and angry towards them. I'm not sure how successful any meeting will be right now as it seems as though you are looking for reasons to continue the current status quo.

Maybe ask yourself if now is the right time for it to happen and if so then I think your DH needs to arrange something on neutral ground.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/10/2021 21:27

Meal out, no way would I agree to host this. And he needs to be a lot more bloody understanding and sympathetic to your perfectly understandable feelings about all of this.

Tbh I wouldn’t be hosting or meeting on this date on principle if he didn’t have the courtesy to discuss it with you properly in the first place. He’s not your boss.

Disfordarkchocolate · 11/10/2021 21:27

Based on what you've said a short meeting in a neutral venue is the least you can ask.

Peoniesandpeaches · 11/10/2021 21:27

@stepmoa

I wouldn't say active hostility but I would email them about school events and they would only ever forward my email to DH and reply to him, that kind of thing. They cancelled a few weekend visits with her if he was suddenly away on business travel and couldn't facilitate a handover rather than meet me, so I often had to deal with the fallout of her disappointment of not seeing them and with her dad away. I think that is what has affected me, feeling that pain she had.
I can understand them not replying to you about it. To them it must’ve felt pushy like they had communicated clearly they weren’t ready for this but you persisted in approaching them. If their daughter hadn’t died and was merely not in the picture you wouldn’t expect to be contacting them as it is they’ve suffered one of the worst things a parent can have happen to them. I think in light of this I can see, however hurtful it was to you, why they might have pushed the other family not to contact you in order to limit how much they had to deal with you.
BreadInCaptivity · 11/10/2021 21:28

I think your feelings are valid but I also sympathise with the Aunt/Uncle who seem to have been placed in a difficult situation with the Grandparents.

Sadly grief can often make people behave in ways that it's difficult to understand/rationalise (I'm reflecting here on the longevity of them being non contact, not the need to come to terms with your DH moving on in the early years of your relationship).

I think your DH is being very insensitive.

He shouldn't have arranged anything without consulting you and I absolutely agree it's not your job to host this first meeting.

After 6 years of silence it's unreasonable to expect the intimacy of hosting them in your home.

You also don't know how this meeting will go. You need a neutral place where you are not "trapped" or forced to asked people to leave if it turns ugly (and frankly neither of you have any idea how this will pan out - hope for the best but plan for the worst).

I'd absolutely put my foot down on meeting somewhere neutral for the first time.

aSofaNearYou · 11/10/2021 21:29

@stepmoa

I wouldn't say active hostility but I would email them about school events and they would only ever forward my email to DH and reply to him, that kind of thing. They cancelled a few weekend visits with her if he was suddenly away on business travel and couldn't facilitate a handover rather than meet me, so I often had to deal with the fallout of her disappointment of not seeing them and with her dad away. I think that is what has affected me, feeling that pain she had.
I sympathise with you and I do understand what it feels like dealing with this kind of thing as a step mother, but it primarily sounds like they were just avoiding interacting with you and I think perhaps you (and your DH) ought to have just respected that and not pushed situations where they would need to. They aren't people you particularly needed to have a relationship with, or that your DSD needed you to have a relationship with, it would be a different story if they were your DHs family. Accepting that they found it painful and not trying to orchestrate interaction would have been the better approach.
Original poster
stepmoa · 11/10/2021 21:29

@Peoniesandpeaches it was a couple of emails after I'd been in her life about four years, I wouldn't consider it being pushy. I heard loud and clear they didn't want communication so I stopped

OP posts:
Loveshelly · 11/10/2021 21:31

My god you emailed them about school stuff for their dead daughters child.
I am astounded. And I am a forgive and love everyone sort of person.

HeddaGarbled · 11/10/2021 21:31

Wouldn’t it be easier to do this first meeting on your own turf? I always feel more relaxed, confident and ‘in charge’ in my own home. Harder for them, to some extent, I would think.

Mischance · 11/10/2021 21:33

It sounds as though the family struggled to come to terms with their DD's death, and found it hard to accept that her OH had moved on in life.

And it sounds as though you have been a wonderful step mum.

Hard though it is, I think you need to try and accept this olive branch with as good a grace as you can muster for the sake of your SD - you being on speaking terms with them will bring together both sides of her life and make things more comfortable for her. I know it is difficult, but I think you need to try and put the past behind you for the sake of the future, although you must have years of resentment built up from years of rejection.

Good luck!

Kiduknot · 11/10/2021 21:34

They’ve not behaved reasonably but grief doesn’t always make you reasonable. I’d try to welcome them now for dsd’s sake.
Anyway the aunt and uncle wanted to, years ago, so try to welcome them in particular, with open arms.

Hercisback · 11/10/2021 21:34

You emailing about school stuff is over stepping.

The rest, there will be a lot of upset on all sides. For your DH that finally these people will accept you. For you that you're starting to be included. For SD that she sees a mix of family. For the grandparents who may be hurt by these relatives actions. This isn't an easy situation for anyone.

Loveatortie · 11/10/2021 21:36

I would meet them but somewhere neutral. Losing a daughter/sister would have been hard for them. Maybe knowing another woman is bringing their granddaughter/niece up would also have hurt them. I'm sure you are a wonderful Mum to her, go show them and hopefully build a relationship for all your sakes. Good luck

Original poster
stepmoa · 11/10/2021 21:38

Interesting feedback about the overstepping, I never thought of it like that, it was a couple of invitations for sports day or something as a similar olive branch as I know it would have meant a lot to DSD.

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 11/10/2021 21:39

My god you emailed them about school stuff for their dead daughters child
Yes this is a bit much. I can see how this could have aggravate them.

Husband can do most of the hosting. I agree it should have been somewhere neutral like a restaurant but here we are. Dont over think it..just be yourself

Nsky · 11/10/2021 21:40

Yes they lost someone, tho you are you, yourself, be proud of that.
Seems like they have been very selfish, and yes I would be annoyed too

Fraine · 11/10/2021 21:41

Why are you being expected to host?

SpaceshiptoMars · 11/10/2021 21:41

This is not you. The hardest grief (imo) is the grief for your own lost child. It can take decades, depending on the details of the death.

Forgive them, they really can't help it. Pretend you are meeting for the first time, and do your best to act as if.

callmeadoctor · 11/10/2021 21:43

Meet somewhere neutral, but my goodness your sympathy should lie fully with them. They have had a horrible time, no doubt they felt that your dh ex had been replaced.

Halo1234 · 11/10/2021 21:43

Not your place to email the school stuff. That should have been her dad. You know they weren't comfortable meeting you what made you think they wanted you to communicate with them about the school?

Whilst they have not behaved well at all. It was never about you. They haven't met you. It wasn't ever personal to you. For your dsd you need to accept the olive branch being extended in that they are ready for contact now. Put aside your feelings and don't judge them. You don't know what they have went through. 6 years of no contact with each other is long enough for dsd who will want you all are her wedding/graduation/18th birthday without it being awkward.

The right thing to do is to be welcoming and nice imo.

callmeadoctor · 11/10/2021 21:45

Email from you was definitely overstepping. Your DH should be the only contact.

aSofaNearYou · 11/10/2021 21:45

@stepmoa

Interesting feedback about the overstepping, I never thought of it like that, it was a couple of invitations for sports day or something as a similar olive branch as I know it would have meant a lot to DSD.
I don't think your DSDs strength of feeling about her grandparents not having a relationship with her step mother are likely to be as strong as their feelings of grief, I think that should have been prioritised.
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