to feel sad DH expects me to be happy about this?

[stepmoa]

After not meeting DSD's maternal family in all the time that I've known her (6+ years), largely driven by her grandparents refusing to accept that DH moved on after her DM (their DD) died when she was a young child, some relatives have now decided they want to meet me. They've asked to come to our house and DH has arranged the first date we are all free.

For context, DSD and I have a great relationship now and I treat her like my own DD but in the early years it was complicated as she couldn't understand why her other family and I were entirely separate. It's only as she has got older age has she realised that it was their choice and she and I now have a strong bond.

DH doesn't understand why I'm upset that after being shut out for years I am not only expected to have to meet them but to host as well. I will do it for DSD but it is not the start of a great relationship when it's taken so long and he is defending them about it. I feel they've let DSD down as this could have happened years ago and saved the poor girl a lot of sadness.

YANBU - it's reasonable that you are upset and DH should be more sensitive to this
YABU - they've done nothing wrong and are within their rights to invite themselves

@HebalGerbil

I completely agree.

God forbid anything happened to me, my dearest wish if my husband met someone, she would love and care for my children as the OP has done.

I really think it is awful that the grandparents have put their feelings ahead of a little child.

Dreadfully selfish behaviour to cause unnecessary additional grief to a child.

I think it's a shame they haven't been more accepting of you for their dgd sake as even a little bit of thought as to her feelings they could have realised she would have struggled with. Although I appreciate their difficulties seeing you in their daughters role.

The cancelling of weekends just because they don't want to see you in a car park was unforgivable just for the hurt they caused their dgd and shows very little regard for their dgd as a person I wonder what their dad would think of it. They or the aunt could have at least received her from you with a handover letter from her dad with news/instructions in.

The fact that they influenced their other child not to contact you makes me think they're rather controlling or least judgemental. They can't change the situation however much they disagree with it and it will have an effect on the relationship with their dgd even if they haven't realised it yet

I'd go for mutual ground for the first meet and build up slowly so no pressure on either side.

They might have a very different shortly to tell and might feel that they were a significant part of their granddaughters life until he "moved on".

And yet they’re the ones who disappointed DSD by cancelling her weekend rather than meet OP for pickup.

I suspect there are a lot of people on this thread projecting their feelings as if it was them who passed away and their DH met someone else who became stepmother to their children.

Probably the mailing about school things was a bit hurtful for them but to be honest you could have just got DH to do the mailing knowing it was a bit insensitive. The replying to him only was a bit unnecessary though?

The not collecting her because they would have to see you is outrageous in my opinion. The poor child missing the event. Could they not grin and bare it for the handover which could be done in 5 mins?

Op one thing that I'm sure you and DH have considered but just incase you haven't is should something unfortunately happen to him has he made a will with directions for custody for his DD?
I just think she could end up being centre of a bitter and sad custody battle.

What a terribly sad situation. I’m wondering why you need to be involved? They can come see the child and your DH but surely you don’t need to be there? Your step child isn’t a baby. They can have a relationship without you being involved? There is no responsibility here. No expectation. This all seems OTT and onerous. It’s not clear why anyone is expecting you to be involved. They don’t pay you or employ you. You are an independent adult with the ability to decide what you want to do with your free time. Say no. Say thanks for the offer but you want to be able to decide for yourself what you do with your free time. You are more than happy to make yourself scarce for the day (go to a spa).

@Bluntness100

I’m not sure you’re being fair, they lost a child and struggled to see her replaced in their eyes

I don’t understand your desire to be punitive snd make it worse for your step daughter,

Totally agree with this

@twoandeights I think it would be natural to want to know the woman who is helping raise your niece. The girl obviously has a very loving relationship with Op.
At what point are they going to meet, at the girls wedding, funeral?

It's a long overdue meeting, they can't stay apart forever. And if they don't meet sooner or later the girl may well decide not to have contact with family who shun the lady who has in every sense of word become mum, raising her, wiping her tears, helping with homework, and a million other things mums do.

As always on here, there are 2 sides to every story...................

2 sides or not, I'd still want to meet the woman who's step-mum to my sisters kids.

@twoandeights

What a terribly sad situation. I’m wondering why you need to be involved? They can come see the child and your DH but surely you don’t need to be there? Your step child isn’t a baby. They can have a relationship without you being involved? There is no responsibility here. No expectation. This all seems OTT and onerous. It’s not clear why anyone is expecting you to be involved. They don’t pay you or employ you. You are an independent adult with the ability to decide what you want to do with your free time. Say no. Say thanks for the offer but you want to be able to decide for yourself what you do with your free time. You are more than happy to make yourself scarce for the day (go to a spa).

What a flat-footed response. Have you not read the posts from other women in this situation who are raising another woman's child as if it was their own? Getting up in the night when they're sick, shouldering the burden of school runs, loving and caring for them, fostering strong relationships and still being treated like pariahs, years later, by the extended family.

The OP isn't a family servant who can be given a day off when someone comes to call. What message does that send to the child she loves and who loves her? She needs to be acknowledged as an important, loved member of the family unit.

The DP sounds like a right catch.

He's left his new GF to do the parenting & hasn't even considered her when making these plans. Oh now she'll be hosting as well, so there's the work that goes along with that.

While I think the OP overstepped by emailing them about SD's school stuff, it sounds like piss poor parenting from the Dad that has led to the OP stepping up.

Dropping the daughter off at a servo, could they not have met in a park?

I don't blame the OP for not wanting to meet them, but the fault lies with the partner for being selfish & lazy.

DarlingFell

Bluntness100
I’m not sure you’re being fair, they lost a child and struggled to see her replaced in their eyes. I don’t understand your desire to be punitive snd make it worse for your step daughter,

Totally agree with this

Just wow. I’ve read and re-read the OP’s posts and can’t find any evidence of a ‘desire to be punitive’ in anything she’s said. In fact it’s PIL who are being punitive - punishing their SIL for moving on with his life, without a single thought for their grandchild. And before I get my ass handed to me, I know they are bereaved and devastated at the loss of their daughter, but they’ve kept up this behaviour for eight years and have actively discouraged other members of the family from becoming engaged with the her. In the meantime the OP has formed a loving relationship with the child and has provided the support her grandparents found so easy to withdraw. It’s unreasonable and unrealistic to expect the surviving partner to live a lonely life of grief and to those blaming the DH for withdrawing from his PIL and thus distancing them from their GD - I think they’ve rather done that themselves.

@Rosscameasdoody I read it the same way as you. Was there was a post about cancelling a meeting with the 'D'GD once the OP rather than the DGC's father would have to facilitate the contact.

It is difficult to be certain about the future but I would hope that in similar circumstances, the DGD's needs would be front and centre and I would want family to prioritise the DGD if I passed and DP moved on.

[quote Zilla1]@Rosscameasdoody I read it the same way as you. Was there was a post about cancelling a meeting with the 'D'GD once the OP rather than the DGC's father would have to facilitate the contact.

It is difficult to be certain about the future but I would hope that in similar circumstances, the DGD's needs would be front and centre and I would want family to prioritise the DGD if I passed and DP moved on.[/quote]
It was this post where the GPs chose to cancel and upset their GC rather than meet OP for a brief handover

stepmoa Mon 11-Oct-21 21:22:57 - They cancelled a few weekend visits with her if he was suddenly away on business travel and couldn't facilitate a handover rather than meet me, so I often had to deal with the fallout of her disappointment of not seeing them and with her dad away. I think that is what has affected me, feeling that pain she had

@Lunde. Thanks for clarifying. I really don’t understand how PPs have confused the issue to the point where the OP is getting the blame for the rift and has been labelled a ‘punitive’. That one post alone confirms that the OP has tried to facilitate the GPs seeing their GD in the past and has had it thrown back in her face. Despite this, she’s trying to deal with her own feelings to allow the child to have the best chance of reconnecting with her family. The grandparents are the punitive ones here. They’re punishing their SIL for moving on with his life and they haven’t stopped to consider his, or their GD’s grief. As I said in a post upthread somewhere, only the bereaved person knows when they’re ready for a new relationship - it’s a difficult thing to do for all sorts of reasons and having people sitting in judgement does no one any good, as is all too evident here.

@Lunde Thank you.

@smoko I think you are being a bit harsh.

Trying to pick fault with the DH. The service station makes perfect sense if your are meeting halfway

They have been together 6 years hardly a new GF. 3 kids between them it's only natural a chunk of the child admin will fall on one set of shoulders.

They’re punishing their SIL for moving on with his life and they haven’t stopped to consider his, or their GD’s grief.

I'd totally agree with that.
They also put stops in the way of the Mums sister from connecting with the Op.

I can't imagine someone playing such a huge part in a child's life and the child's other (maternial/paternal) family not wanting to meet and get to know them.

Op I'm still fingers crossed the meeting goes OK. When is it meant to happen?

I really think this is one of those situations where even when people have behaved badly it would help to show them compassion. So you could accept their behaviour hurt yoi and your daughter but also think it is worth trying to continue with compassion and being the bigger person.

@callmeadoctor it's disappointing that you think there is reason to believe that I've not been honest about the facts of various situations.

The meet up is not for a while yet so I am sure there is more stress to come about it. I suppose my original post was out of frustration and I am glad that many people empathise with that. In further conversations with DH, the GPs have apparently flat out told him they have no intention of ever meeting me so he thinks that solves one problem but I foresee as a few have also said, DSD backing out of certain situations having to choose between her DSM and DGPs. It would always be stressful at this point but I just feel sad for her and angry that they have pre-judged me as a person because no matter what some posters think, I am not a bad person and I've done my best

@stepmoa don't know if this helps, but one of my SILs dealt with my late husband's death by ignoring it and pretending he'd gone for an extended visit abroad. That meant she's never been able to visit me since, because the whole protective fantasy bubble would then burst and grief would have to be faced.

So perhaps your ILs are terrified of meeting you, because they fear the grief triggered would never be overcome.

[quote stepmoa]@callmeadoctor it's disappointing that you think there is reason to believe that I've not been honest about the facts of various situations.

The meet up is not for a while yet so I am sure there is more stress to come about it. I suppose my original post was out of frustration and I am glad that many people empathise with that. In further conversations with DH, the GPs have apparently flat out told him they have no intention of ever meeting me so he thinks that solves one problem but I foresee as a few have also said, DSD backing out of certain situations having to choose between her DSM and DGPs. It would always be stressful at this point but I just feel sad for her and angry that they have pre-judged me as a person because no matter what some posters think, I am not a bad person and I've done my best[/quote]
@stepmoa

That is truly appalling. That poor little girl. Thank God she has you.

Did they really expect your DH to grieve forever and never have another relationship or is it that their noses have been pushed out of joint because they expected to take over their daughter's role caring for their DGD?

Are they going to boycott her 18th/21st birthday party? Her graduation? Her wedding?

As PP said do make sure your DH has made a will stipulating who will care for his DD in the event of his death while she is still a child.