to feel sad DH expects me to be happy about this?

[stepmoa]

After not meeting DSD's maternal family in all the time that I've known her (6+ years), largely driven by her grandparents refusing to accept that DH moved on after her DM (their DD) died when she was a young child, some relatives have now decided they want to meet me. They've asked to come to our house and DH has arranged the first date we are all free.

For context, DSD and I have a great relationship now and I treat her like my own DD but in the early years it was complicated as she couldn't understand why her other family and I were entirely separate. It's only as she has got older age has she realised that it was their choice and she and I now have a strong bond.

DH doesn't understand why I'm upset that after being shut out for years I am not only expected to have to meet them but to host as well. I will do it for DSD but it is not the start of a great relationship when it's taken so long and he is defending them about it. I feel they've let DSD down as this could have happened years ago and saved the poor girl a lot of sadness.

YANBU - it's reasonable that you are upset and DH should be more sensitive to this
YABU - they've done nothing wrong and are within their rights to invite themselves

@Thatsplentyjack

Hmm not true, she just didn't need to be the one doing the inviting. Stop projecting.

What, even when the DH was off travelling for business?

Stop being simplistic.

Given the circumstances you describe I would find it very difficult to be friendly with these relatives. They have left it too long. I would be polite, civil and distant and do nothing to encourage any further family meetings. DSD will soon be old enough to make her own decisions about who she sees and when. Personally I could never forgive the nonsense of refusing to see DSD because only you were able to do the handover, thus hurting both DSD's and your feelings. Nor could I forgive the relatives who allowed themselves to be so influenced by the GPs. Let them build a relationship with DSD when she is old enough to travel independently if she wants to see them, but don't feel obliged to get involved yourself. Your DH should be supporting you in all this. Why he should expect you to be happy after years of snubs is a mystery.

If you’re expected to “host”, there is absolutely nothing to say that has to be in your home, fully catered etc.

You can “host” them in a pub, a restaurant etc.

Tell your DH this would be best - somewhere with something else going on that makes it less awkward for you all. Plan a trip somewhere with things to see/do and plan for a meal whilst there.

@LovePoppy

hat shouldn’t matter.

My father remarried after a year.

Instead of supporting us kids, my favourite people from my mothers side disappeared. They complain now that we aren’t close, but they chose to let their resentment and grief come between us.

Adults need to be the adults

Well said LovePoppy.

@NeverDropYourMooncup
Hit the nail on the head.
Too busy to forward an email. Yeah ok

@StaplesCorner

I think the missing point here is that the cost of their behaviour has been paid by the little girl, the child of the daughter/sister they loved and lost - does such a loss justify that? No it doesn’t. Grief Isn’t an excuse for shitty behaviour. And wtaf did you do wrong OP?! Nah, I’m not buying the lamenting family. Why didn’t they put that child first?

Absolutely.

They sound very selfish to me

They've asked to come to our house

Regardless of anything- if you ignore history etc - it’s rude for anyone to invite themselves to your house. Accepting an invitation that’s offered is not the same as expecting to be welcomed.

So approach from that angle. Change the venue. That will allow you to feel better about it.

DH sounds the selfish one. He open only said he would rather have less contact. He nominated his new girlfriend to send school email details. He drops her off in a service station.
He got together with someone 2 years after his wife died, and she wasn’t even the first girlfriend! I mean I know it’s common for men to move on, but I still find it really distasteful. As the dead woman’s parents still do I would imagine.

@SuperCaliFragalistic

But you have jumped into a dead woman's life and expected her parents and siblings to be alright with that. Maybe they haven't always put DSDs feelings first (and they should have tried) but can't you understand that they are probably very shocked at how easily their daughter was replaced? Your DH should have dealt with this issue better but you could at least be supportive of them trying to make amends now.

OP’s husband met someone new a couple of years after losing his wife. I can see how that’s deeply upsetting for his wife’s family, but I don’t think it’s fair to talk about “jumping into a dead woman’s life” or her being “easily replaced”. Was he supposed to be sad and single forever? Put his life on hold? I wouldn’t want that for my husband

Just to clarify - it's been 8+ years since dsd's mum died and the aunt/uncle, after blanking you for 6+ years, have only now decided that they want to meet you and want to come to your house and for you to host them?

*What, even when the DH was off travelling for business?

Stop being simplistic.*

Yes, there's these things called mobile phones, laptops and even before that landlines that people use to contact other people. There no need to do it in person anymore, but then you must know that as you're obviously using one of these devices at the moment. Your actually contacting a stranger on one , and I'm simplistic.

@Loveshelly

DH sounds the selfish one. He open only said he would rather have less contact. He nominated his new girlfriend to send school email details. He drops her off in a service station. He got together with someone 2 years after his wife died, and she wasn’t even the first girlfriend! I mean I know it’s common for men to move on, but I still find it really distasteful. As the dead woman’s parents still do I would imagine.

Yup, very good points.

@SuperCaliFragalistic

But you have jumped into a dead woman's life and expected her parents and siblings to be alright with that. Maybe they haven't always put DSDs feelings first (and they should have tried) but can't you understand that they are probably very shocked at how easily their daughter was replaced? Your DH should have dealt with this issue better but you could at least be supportive of them trying to make amends now.

But it's been over 8 years (OP met her DH 2 years after dsd's mum died and they've been together 6+ years) - hardly "jumping in"

it seems to little too late to pick up now in many ways

@Thatsplentyjack

Because maybe dsd isn’t even bothered now? She has her family unit.

I think that might be one of the most callous things I've read on here.

Have you every been in DSDs shoes? I was.

People who were unkind to my stepmother, the woman who raised me, are not part of my life

@Loveshelly

DH sounds the selfish one. He open only said he would rather have less contact. He nominated his new girlfriend to send school email details. He drops her off in a service station. He got together with someone 2 years after his wife died, and she wasn’t even the first girlfriend! I mean I know it’s common for men to move on, but I still find it really distasteful. As the dead woman’s parents still do I would imagine.

Op said the emails occured about 4 years into her relationship, she wasn't a new girlfriend.

This is a classic anti step mother MN thread.

So many posters projecting their own fear of their DHS moving on without them and their own kids getting step mothers, especially if they die.

*Clearly not, as you would have seen my comment was in response to a poster asking why OP is dragging her feet about meeting an aunt and uncle who were cruel enough to cancel days out with their niece simply because OP would be the one doing the 2 minute drop off.

Nowhere did I say the DSD isn’t bothered about seeing her grandparents*

Now who isn't reading the OPs posts. It was the grandparents cancelling, not the aunt and uncle.

@MelKarnofskyCrane

There’s a lot of expectation to be perfect on here, I think. To react to everything perfectly. To always say and do the correct thing.

No, your husband perhaps hasn’t handled things well. But being widowed with a young child is difficult and messy and who always gets it right?

No, emails from you probably weren’t particularly appropriate with hindsight. But you were feeling your way through a difficult situation and I imagine did what you thought was best at the time.

The family have treated you badly. Probably down to their grief at the time, and then the longer these things go on, the harder it is to reverse them. Too much pride, too much water under the bridge. They didn’t get it right.

But maybe it’s time for everyone to show a little humanity and forgiveness.

Excellent post x

I dont really understand why you're angry or upset?
I don't really get why you feel you need to have a relationship with dsd maternal grandparents? especially when they made it clear they weren't ready.
Grieving for your child is the worst pain imaginable, it'll be heart breaking for them to see you where they feel their dd should be.
Be kind,and welcoming, dsd loves you, and them,and wants you all to meet and get on

*Have you every been in DSDs shoes?
I was.

People who were unkind to my stepmother, the woman who raised me, are not part of my life*

Have you ever lost a child and then had your grandchild kept from you because her dad like to keep contact to a minimum and if you did get to see her you were do meet at a service station to collect her?

@ShaneTheThird
I’m not anti step mum
Fine, I should have simply said girlfriend.
I’m just sitting here imagining how GPs must have felt that their son in law was dating so soon after their daughter died.

@Brollywasntneededafterall

Well surely dh hosts them? He can cook and boil the kettle. Dsd can entertain them. You can sit in the wings and drink tea...

I feel like I'd rather be busy if it was me!

You know I think some of the posts are truly unreasonable here. For one thing it's actually horrible for people to tell the op she is just stepping into shoes likes she is a cypher. She is her own person. She does not have to sit imagining herself into everyone else's heads. She is worthy of being treated properly and with respect. She did nothing wrong. She has in fact brought love and stability into the grandchild's life. I can see they might be traumatised. Maybe one of the grandparents fell into a depression and the others acquiesced or didn't want to upset them or something. All of which could be understandable but people here telling the op she "merrily" walked into another's place etc. I actually find that a disgusting thing to say.

surely the granddaughter deserves to love again (and the father too!). Surely the way of making things easier and not putting guilt on the granddaughter was to meet and accept her stepmother who was looking after her and part of her everyday life. All those emphasising how OP must imagine this and that and that she doesn't count only their grief. No actually. She is a separate person. She did nothing wrong. She did nothing to deserve poor treatment. Unless there is more that hasn't been said. She doesn't have to wallow trying to imagine anything. She can just continue to be a decent person. I hope she can approach it with an open mind. But there are some posts here that sound like she's done something wrong. I can't see it at all. Even the emailing...no I don't see that. And someone saying how awful the thought of her cuddling the granddaughter. Surely this this is exactly why she has done such a good thing that deserves support and respect not shunning?

Having been the dd in this situation, I think you should just accept it for her sake. You do not have to be close to them, but don't make it about you, because it is not.
It was very hard for my maternal grandparents when my father moved on, and although they did meet his new wife (after the wedding only) they became very passive aggressive around, her. This was totally out of character for them, but grief is not something that is rational.
The other family members will want to keep everyone happy, which is an impossible situation.
They want to meet you now - take it as a step forward and an opportunity to fix things.

Why do men move on so easily. It’s interesting actually.
I lost someone I loved, I couldn’t move out of the fug of grief for a good few years. Let alone think about fucking someone else

I don’t really see why DSD and you should have had to bear the brunt of their grief. It’s so selfish. It’s neither of yours faults that DH moved on - what feels like fast to them. Did they not consider that he wanted help bringing up his DD? Some men find it harder than women to parent alone. Punishing DSD and you won’t bring his ex back.

If he’s arranged the date I’d expect him to cook. (He can cook can’t he?)