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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not invite my sisters partner to my wedding

247 replies

jacq89 · 11/10/2021 20:25

Hello,

I'm new here and joined as I have a dilemma and wanted an outside perspective.

I'm getting married in April. The invites have gone out to all my family and friends, apart from my Sisters fiancé. They have been together for 18 years since the age of 15 and has he has been a huge part of my families life. He's even my children's Godfather.

Myself and future hubby have chosen not to invite him as he has just spent the last few years at Her Majesty's pleasure and we don't want to be associated with him any longer.

This is causing rifts with my sister and parents who state that they won't come if he isn't invited. I obviously want them there but my partner is adament that he doesn't want him there and that it doesn't matter if my family aren't there, the day is about us two. I'm in two minds... help!

OP posts:
CampAshpit · 11/10/2021 20:27

Is it just because he's been in prison or what he was in for?

Just10moreminutesplease · 11/10/2021 20:28

I think it depends what he did. If he is a potential risk to your guests of course you shouldn’t invite him.

If he’s not a risk then I’d invite him even if only for your sisters sake.

PotteringAlong · 11/10/2021 20:28

Why was he in prison? Child sex abuse then a no go. Cannot be forgiven. Move on. Fraud? Then yes, I could forgive and move on if someone was truly repentant.

Sunseeker90 · 11/10/2021 20:29

Well your sister has stuck by him. Sounds like your parents support him too.

There will be more of a shadow cast over your day if hes not there than is by the sounds of it

Original poster
jacq89 · 11/10/2021 20:29

@CampAshpit

Is it just because he's been in prison or what he was in for?
What he was in for. It was substance related and whilst in had some violent clashes. He isn't the man we used to know.
OP posts:
GemmaRuby · 11/10/2021 20:30

Yea it does kind of depend what he was in for
And why is your partner dictating your half of the guest list?

Lockheart · 11/10/2021 20:30

Presumably you got on well enough at some point if he's your children's Godfather. For me it would depend on what he did and whether he's genuinely remorseful / taking steps to improve himself.

Ughmaybenot · 11/10/2021 20:30

It would depend rather on why he was inside, for me personally… but generally speaking I think it takes the piss a bit expecting people to celebrate your relationship while writing off theirs like that.
As for your fiancé saying it doesn’t matter if your family isn’t there Hmm that would be ringing little alarm bells for me.

Cantstopthewaves · 11/10/2021 20:32

Depends on the crime.
It must be pretty serious if he's been inside a few years so I'll forgive your OH for sounding so controlling.

NonShallot · 11/10/2021 20:32

What was he in for and how is he now? Is he truly repentant? What was the crime, mugging an old lady for her diamonds or something like benefit fraud?

To be honest OP it is your wedding and your day, and you should only invite people you feel comfortable inviting.

What sort of relationship do you have with him outside of the wedding setting? Do you still see him or have any sort of relationship with him?

GemmaRuby · 11/10/2021 20:32

If your fiancé didn’t mind either way, would you invite him to keep the peace?

Ishotthesherrif · 11/10/2021 20:32

It doesn't sound like you and your future husband have decided at all, it sounds like you're being told he's not invited. It's all very well him saying it doesn't matter if your family are there or not, because he'll have his there.
Some more details are needed here, what did he serve time for?

Tryagainplease · 11/10/2021 20:33

It’s your wedding so it is your choice IMO. Both of you.

Mynameismargot · 11/10/2021 20:33

I think yabu. He has been part of your family for 18years. He has been punished for his crimes, that's what prison is for, being sanctimonious about it after he is out is twatty.

It's one day, you are makingone hell of statement by not inviting him and your family are just reacting to that.

BananaPB · 11/10/2021 20:34

OP said drugs and clashes (GBH? ABH? )

moonshine3600 · 11/10/2021 20:34

@Mynameismargot

I think yabu. He has been part of your family for 18years. He has been punished for his crimes, that's what prison is for, being sanctimonious about it after he is out is twatty.

It's one day, you are makingone hell of statement by not inviting him and your family are just reacting to that.

Agree with this.
Original poster
jacq89 · 11/10/2021 20:34

@Ishotthesherrif

It doesn't sound like you and your future husband have decided at all, it sounds like you're being told he's not invited. It's all very well him saying it doesn't matter if your family are there or not, because he'll have his there. Some more details are needed here, what did he serve time for?
Substance related crimes and violence whilst inside
OP posts:
drpet49 · 11/10/2021 20:34

It is your wedding and it is upto who you invite.

Ughmaybenot · 11/10/2021 20:35

‘Substance related’ is so vague, and as for fighting while inside, I don’t think I could judge someone on that.
I’m still of the opinion you ought to invite him… and evaluate where this controlling behaviour has come from with your fiancé.

Piggy42 · 11/10/2021 20:35

I think it depends if you’re happy to also sever relationships with your sister, and potentially, your parents.

hairybakers · 11/10/2021 20:36

Does your husband to be control other aspects of your life and try to separate you from your family regularly?

DFOD · 11/10/2021 20:36

Is he still involved as an addict or dealer - is that your concern?

How long was he in for and how long has he been out?

Aquamarine1029 · 11/10/2021 20:37

Is he an addict? Is he still using? Does he have violent tendencies? Does he have form for causing trouble/drama? A lot of information is missing here.

billy1966 · 11/10/2021 20:37

How do you feel OP?

Not a good way to start married life, being told who YOU can invite from YOUR side.

You have children.
Is he normally so bossy?

Critical to this is how you feel.
Be honest with what you feel.

Lockheart · 11/10/2021 20:37

@hairybakers

Does your husband to be control other aspects of your life and try to separate you from your family regularly?
Give over. This is clearly a one-off tricky issue and the decision not to invite him is both OPs and her fiance's, don't make this thread something it's not.
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