Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not invite my sisters partner to my wedding

247 replies

jacq89 · 11/10/2021 20:25

Hello,

I'm new here and joined as I have a dilemma and wanted an outside perspective.

I'm getting married in April. The invites have gone out to all my family and friends, apart from my Sisters fiancé. They have been together for 18 years since the age of 15 and has he has been a huge part of my families life. He's even my children's Godfather.

Myself and future hubby have chosen not to invite him as he has just spent the last few years at Her Majesty's pleasure and we don't want to be associated with him any longer.

This is causing rifts with my sister and parents who state that they won't come if he isn't invited. I obviously want them there but my partner is adament that he doesn't want him there and that it doesn't matter if my family aren't there, the day is about us two. I'm in two minds... help!

OP posts:
negomi90 · 11/10/2021 21:16

I think you're in a horrific position. Your fiance and family are making you pick a side.
Listen to your husband and you will lose your sister, and probably your parents, because they will view it as a judgement on her. (And it is, even if you don't want to be, you're judging her for staying with him and such a bad a choice in partners that it can't be respected. For her being at the wedding without him, will be humiliating - where's your husband? oh he wasn't invited).
Listen to your parents and jeopardise your future marriage.
You need to think about what you want. Are you prepared to sacrifice one for the other and who are you willing to sacrifice. Don't think about anyone else, be selfish and do what's right for you.

The only possible get out clause I can see is to elope. You, your fiancé, any children you have and witnesses (possibly parents but no siblings from either of you). Then a celebration party a few weeks later which isn't an official wedding party.
That way you can get married without picking a side. But you lose the wedding, and the party and everyone else you want there.

None of these are good options.

Sorry.

billy1966 · 11/10/2021 21:17

OP,

If he isn't controlling but just doesn't want a former drug dealer at his wedding and you agree, the elopement suggestion is a good one.

What is your relationship like with your parents?

It doesn't sound great if they would put a former drug dealer ahead of their daughter.
Flowers

LawnFever · 11/10/2021 21:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhoWants2Know · 11/10/2021 21:19

I don't think it's right to judge him for altercations that happen while in prison. If you haven't been there, you can't imagine what it's like or what pressure he was under.

Re: the drugs... People do crazy things when under the influence or addicted or desperate for money.

Nefelibata86 · 11/10/2021 21:20

I could easily be in your situation as I have a brother in law with similar issues. There is nothing wrong with safeguarding yourself or loved ones from risk.
Released from prison does not equal risk free.

Ginger1982 · 11/10/2021 21:20

How long was he in for?

SnowyQueen · 11/10/2021 21:20

@PikachuAndMe

I don't understand a lot of the previous posters. As I see it your sister and your parents are trying to put pressure on you and blackmailing you into inviting your drug dealing BIL to your wedding. They are the ones at fault her. If you and your husband don't want someone there then that is up to you not them. I would invite your parents and sister without BIL and it is their decision whether they come to your wedding or not. Don't be bullied by them.
I agree! I don’t know why PP think OP’s fiancé is controlling. He just doesn’t want a drug dealing violent man at his wedding.
Newmum29 · 11/10/2021 21:21

I would invite him because he’s family and your sister loves him and he doesn’t sound like a bad person despite going to prison. People make mistakes. But I’d also take my husbands needs seriously. Trouble is for me if he didn’t want a member of my family there i would only agree to elope so it was fair. Assuming that’s not an option?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 11/10/2021 21:21

@PikachuAndMe

I don't understand a lot of the previous posters. As I see it your sister and your parents are trying to put pressure on you and blackmailing you into inviting your drug dealing BIL to your wedding. They are the ones at fault her. If you and your husband don't want someone there then that is up to you not them. I would invite your parents and sister without BIL and it is their decision whether they come to your wedding or not. Don't be bullied by them.
This. From the sounds of your earlier posts your fiance is worried that BIL might kick off and spoil your wedding. He will be on edge about this right up to and throughout the day if BIL attends.

Its one thing accepting someone back as reformed, meeting them again etc... but why are your relatives insisting that this has to be at your wedding? Why are they forcing him on you?

You have many other opportunities to meet him. In a smaller group, at your convenience, it would probably be better to do it that way anyway, if you want to support your sister, rather than at an event where he could potentially get out of control as your fiance fears.

He and your family shouldn't get to dictate that this reconciliation/reunion or welcoming him back into your lives has to specifically happen at your wedding if that is not what you both want.

HeddaGarbled · 11/10/2021 21:23

I obviously want them there but my partner is adament that he doesn't want him there and that it doesn't matter if my family aren't there, the day is about us two

It might not matter to him, but it clearly matters to you.

I don’t think you can go ahead with a wedding with guests, if your family aren’t there. It’s the sort of rift that will probably never be healed.

saraclara · 11/10/2021 21:23

@LawnFever, OP might have made the initial decision along with her fiance, but since she's heard about her family's reaction, she's obviously having second thoughts while he...

...is adament that he doesn't want him there and that it doesn't matter if my family aren't there

lescompagnonsdeloue · 11/10/2021 21:23

I think you are thinking about it the wrong way.
YOU don't want to invite the BIL.
It's your wedding. In a sense, I agree with your future husband, if YOU don't want the BIL there, then your family should respect your wishes, and I get why he then thinks that it doesn't matter if they are not there if they can't accept that you don't want BIL there. So long as it is your wish, then they should accept it. If your future husband is otherwise a good guy, then in saying that your family should support your view, he is being on your side.

lescompagnonsdeloue · 11/10/2021 21:24

She's not having second thoughts though, is she? She wants her family there. Does that trump them both not wanting the BIL there? It shouldn't have to. They should respect her decision.

ilovesooty · 11/10/2021 21:25

Where has the OP said her fiancé is worried about this man's behaviour being out of control?

Bluntness100 · 11/10/2021 21:25

So the days about you two when it’s your family being excluded and your family falling apart. Aye. That’s not controlling at all, no siree.you’re marrying a prince amongst men.

KarmaStar · 11/10/2021 21:26

Yabu.
If your sister is happy to have him in her life,and your family as a whole have accepted him,you should not cut him out from your wedding.
Your fiancee on the other hand,saying it matters not about your family being there?that would concern me more.
Invite the man and leave the last where it belongs,unless you want a huge family feud of course.

Buttons294749 · 11/10/2021 21:26

From your comment about how he might behave around alcohol I can see how it would be best not to come.

I can understand why your DSIS is uosart but why are tour parents picking sides?? They should be neutral and supportive of both of you. They are the ones that seem most unreasonable here

ilovesooty · 11/10/2021 21:28

She hasn't talked about how he might behave around alcohol.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 11/10/2021 21:30

Re: the drugs... People do crazy things when under the influence or addicted or desperate for money.
I wouldnt want a fresh out of prison addict or someone so desperate for money they would see drugs at my wedding either.

Op, why do you think your family are ao adamant it is what your sister wants over what you want at your wedding? Have they form for this?

lescompagnonsdeloue · 11/10/2021 21:31

@ilovesooty

Where has the OP said her fiancé is worried about this man's behaviour being out of control?
When she said I'm just worried with alcohol in the mix and others there who may not get along with him that things could potentially kick off.
ilovesooty · 11/10/2021 21:33

Yes, I read that. It doesn't make reference to his behaviour around alcohol.

ANameChangeAgain · 11/10/2021 21:34

If he is a drug addict still then yanbu. However ending a prison sentence means he has served his time, has been punished by the state and should be allowed to rebuild his life without prejudice.
I'm picky about my friends, but in my very close circle I have an ex drug user and a guy who was involved in drugs, fraud and robbery and served time twice. They are fully rehabilitated and I trust both of them without a shadow of doubt.

LonginesPrime · 11/10/2021 21:35

I'm just worried with alcohol in the mix and others there who may not get along with him that things could potentially kick off

If you're genuinely worried that he's violent and consequently a risk to your wedding guests, then YANBU to not have him there.

However, IMO it WBU to base this decision solely on "violence inside". From my very limited knowledge about prison, it can be a brutal place and while it's very easy to think "well, I wouldn't behave like that in prison" or "I wouldn't be there in the first place", it's very easy for someone to take a few wrong turns and end up in situations they never imagined.

If you don't want him there, then that's up to you, but if you're undecided, I'd be questioning the whole marriage if my fiancé told me they didn't care whether my family attended as long as theirs is there - WTF?

2pinkginsplease · 11/10/2021 21:35

I detest my brothers wife, however I did invite her to my wedding as I didn’t want to upset my brother, I also knew she then wouldn’t want to invite me to their wedding and I didn’t want to upset my mum.

So I would invite him as it would keep your sister happy but on the condition that if he drank too much he had to leave.

lastqueenofscotland · 11/10/2021 21:35

Substance related stuff? I’d invite him.
Fighting inside id completely overlook. Prisons are incredibly violent places and behaviour for a lot of people inside does not mirror how they’d behave outside.