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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not invite my sisters partner to my wedding

247 replies

jacq89 · 11/10/2021 20:25

Hello,

I'm new here and joined as I have a dilemma and wanted an outside perspective.

I'm getting married in April. The invites have gone out to all my family and friends, apart from my Sisters fiancé. They have been together for 18 years since the age of 15 and has he has been a huge part of my families life. He's even my children's Godfather.

Myself and future hubby have chosen not to invite him as he has just spent the last few years at Her Majesty's pleasure and we don't want to be associated with him any longer.

This is causing rifts with my sister and parents who state that they won't come if he isn't invited. I obviously want them there but my partner is adament that he doesn't want him there and that it doesn't matter if my family aren't there, the day is about us two. I'm in two minds... help!

OP posts:
AdelindSchade · 11/10/2021 20:38

Are you worried he won't behave himself at the wedding?

Disfordarkchocolate · 11/10/2021 20:38

Perfectly acceptable to not have people at your wedding whose morals are so different to your own.

Original poster
jacq89 · 11/10/2021 20:39

@hairybakers

Does your husband to be control other aspects of your life and try to separate you from your family regularly?
No no, He's not like that in the slightest. He doesn't control any aspect of my life. I would not allow that. This is the first time he has even said anything like this.

He has always gotten along with my family, he's just not happy about having the brother in law there. He's not talked to him in years.

OP posts:
JassyRadlett · 11/10/2021 20:41

As for your fiancé saying it doesn’t matter if your family isn’t there hmm that would be ringing little alarm bells for me.

I didn’t like this either, though I have sympathy for your position.

In this situation I think I’d be tempted to go for seriously tiny wedding - just yourselves and witnesses.

TheChip · 11/10/2021 20:42

Surely he did his time when in there? Why continuously punish him for something that had absolutely nothing to do with you both to begin with?
Substance related isn't exactly something that's going to impact either of you, and you know this yourself which is why you're adding on his violence when inside. Which could have been for a number of reasons that were not his fault.

Its up to you at the end of it, but from what you've wrote and for the length of time he has been in the family, I think you are being very unreasonable and unfair.

Original poster
jacq89 · 11/10/2021 20:42

I'm just worried with alcohol in the mix and others there who may not get along with him that things could potentially kick off.

OP posts:
ViperHalliwell · 11/10/2021 20:43

It doesn't matter if my family aren't there, the day is about us two.

If this is truly the case, is eloping an option? No family members on either side, and choose one friend each as witnesses or ask the venue to provide witnesses. Then celebrate afterwards with your whole family; your new husband doesn't have to attend if he doesn't want to.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 11/10/2021 20:45

Im surprised at so many of these responses. The standard response on mumsnet is invite who you want to your wedding. Seems if it’s a criminal, that’s different Confused

Op, it is a tricky one. I dont believe you owe him an invite, but life might be tricky if you dont.

It also makes me wonder about your upbringing that your parents are siding with an unrelated criminal over their daughter.

NearlyNearlyThere · 11/10/2021 20:47

I suppose it boils down to whether you want a relationship with your sister because you will not be forgiven.
I wouldn’t rush to judge someone for violent clashes with other inmates, as prisons are full of horrible people. If he assaulted the staff then I wouldn’t want him at my wedding. Substance-related is a bit vague to judge.
If none of my close family were coming then I think I would scale back the whole wedding to a couple of witnesses.

AgnesXNitt · 11/10/2021 20:48

I wouldn't have a drug dealer (I'm assuming dealer if he was inside for years) at my wedding or in my life. Might think differently if he were growing weed for personal use, so feel free to correct my assumption if necessary.

Sinner10 · 11/10/2021 20:50

Is he likely to be violent or under the influence of drugs whilst at your wedding? That would be the decided for me.

GemmaRuby · 11/10/2021 20:53

I suppose it boils down to whether you want a relationship with your sister because you will not be forgiven

Absolutely this.

BrilloPaddy · 11/10/2021 20:54

I think it's perfectly OK to have boundaries of what behaviour you both find acceptable, OP, and he's clearly crossed that line.

It's your wedding and absolutely your choice. Your family have no right at all to guilt trip you over it.

TrainforSpeed · 11/10/2021 20:54

You can choose who comes to your wedding but I wouldn't go to my sister's if she didn't invite my long term partner.

I'd also have a major problem with a finance who thought it was fine to tell me it didn't matter if my sister or parents were at our wedding.

hairybakers · 11/10/2021 20:56

Sorry op I just don't think it's right that your fiancé can be blazé about your parents not attending, like that doesn't matter?!

Knobblybobbly · 11/10/2021 20:59

For me it would depend totally on the crime.

Original poster
jacq89 · 11/10/2021 20:59

Thank you all so much for your responses.

I'm sorry for the lack of information in my post. He was in for dealing and had some clashes whilst in. I think my husband and my brother in law are two very different people with very different morals.

I respect my husbands wishes and I also respect my parents views who say he's a changed man and he is the man we used to know before he got mixed up in all of this.

I completely get what most of you are saying about the relationship with my sister but I am torn between my family and husband to be. I want to add he is not controlling in the slightest. This is the first major difference in opinions we had, I'm in two minds and really don't want to hurt anyone with my decisions.

OP posts:
Stickyjamhands · 11/10/2021 21:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Theworldisfullofgs · 11/10/2021 21:07

For me, it would depend on a few things.

A: has he changed and learnt from this, do you believe in giving people a second chance? That's a big thing for me, as I believe we all flawed and its whether we do something about it.

B: how important is your ongoing relationship with your sister?

But ultimately its your wedding and you have to be happy.

LowlandLucky · 11/10/2021 21:07

Your Husband to be is showing his true colours here. He doesn't give a stuff about your family or your wishes.

saraclara · 11/10/2021 21:07

Not a good way to start married life, being told who YOU can invite from YOUR side.

Exactly. You say he's not controlling, OP. But he's dictating a course of action that means that none of your family will be at your wedding, and says he doesn't care.

Disfordarkchocolate · 11/10/2021 21:07

I'd never invite a convicted drug dealer to my wedding.

Drug dealers are scum and need to see years of law abiding behaviour to even consider them rehabilitated.

Peoniesandpeaches · 11/10/2021 21:11

Personally so long as he wasn’t using or dealing at my wedding I would want to invite him. If my fiancé told me I wasn’t allowed them there and expected I’d get married without my family there I don’t think I’d be moving forward with the wedding. As it is up to me to set my boundaries with my family not him. It’s not like you are asking him to make him a groomsman just tolerate him being there.

ilovesooty · 11/10/2021 21:13

I know people who've served time for substance related crime who have turned their lives round. Your parents say he's changed and your sister has stood by him.

Invite who you like of course but be prepared for causing irreparable damage to your relationship with your parents and sister if you exclude him.

PikachuAndMe · 11/10/2021 21:14

I don't understand a lot of the previous posters. As I see it your sister and your parents are trying to put pressure on you and blackmailing you into inviting your drug dealing BIL to your wedding. They are the ones at fault her. If you and your husband don't want someone there then that is up to you not them. I would invite your parents and sister without BIL and it is their decision whether they come to your wedding or not. Don't be bullied by them.

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