AIBU to not invite my sisters partner to my wedding

[jacq89]

Hello,

I'm new here and joined as I have a dilemma and wanted an outside perspective.

I'm getting married in April. The invites have gone out to all my family and friends, apart from my Sisters fiancé. They have been together for 18 years since the age of 15 and has he has been a huge part of my families life. He's even my children's Godfather.

Myself and future hubby have chosen not to invite him as he has just spent the last few years at Her Majesty's pleasure and we don't want to be associated with him any longer.

This is causing rifts with my sister and parents who state that they won't come if he isn't invited. I obviously want them there but my partner is adament that he doesn't want him there and that it doesn't matter if my family aren't there, the day is about us two. I'm in two minds... help!

No need to apologise, I and 99% of people on here understood. I still have no idea how anyone read anything else into it, but threads on this site do show that people often skim an OP and don't read what is read or read things that aren't there. That is why English Comprehension is so vital.

I'm just glad that's been settled.

Thanks for clarifying, Jacq89

If I was able to win some fights inside as a man I probably would, in order to establish my own safety. They are I imagine all terrified of each other and use aggression for survival. Yes boasting about it shows a lack of insight.

Substance related crimes and violence whilst inside

Invite him. Weddings are family events and he is your family, like it or not. If he's not likely to rob or assault any of your guests I don't see any reason not to invite him apart from snobbery.

I know you’re justifying your controlling fiancé’s behaviour, but anyone who thinks it doesn’t matter that your family is at your wedding is an arsehole. It’s awful and judgmental to refuse to have your BIL a at the wedding because he disapproves of his behaviour. He can think he made the wrong choices, and not approve of what he’s done, but that doesn’t give him the right to essentially ban your sister and parents from your wedding too.

Your fiance barely knows the man, whereas you and your family do, and have liked him. Your fiance is prepared to risk your relationship with your family without having any idea of the bigger picture. As you say 'he just sees the criminal act'

You're wise to have a chat with your sister and BIL. I hope it goes well.

Rehabilitation of people who've been imprisoned is really important. Maybe it's not your responsibility as such, but if everyone only saw the past crime when they met an ex-criminal, none of those people would ever be able to move on. I think that's a point that should be made to your fiance.

One of the best people I know is an ex-con. They've absolutely turned their life around, and people who are unaware of their past would be astonished if they knew.

anyone who thinks it doesn’t matter that your family is at your wedding is an arsehole

Yes. It's astonishingly un-empathetic of him to think that your family not attending doesn't matter. Does he not have a relationship with his family? Would he think it 'didn't matter' if they didn't attend because of something you insisted on?

I'd invite him, assuming he could be reasonably relied on to behave. And your sister could be trusted to get him out in case he doesn't.

The prison thing is done now, so I'd be minded to prioritize your family relations as long as they wouldn't all let you down on the day.

No way would I invite him. You'd be anxious about anything happening and it would affect your enjoyment of your day. I see where your fiancé is coming from. I'm amazed that your parents think a convicted dealer is a suitable partner for their daughter and are pressuring you to accept him. Why is your sister's bar so low as to accept him as a partner? Although your parents' attitude explains that really.

@FlatteredFool, people make mistakes. They had been together a long time before he was tempted to deal. That's what prison is for, to rehabilitate people.
OP , your BIL did what he had to, to survive in prison. I hope none of your children ever make mistakes because you might have to once again choose. It's lucky he isn't judgemental towards teen mum's So this must have damaged your children's relationship with your family as well? It will now. Life isn't as black and white as your DP wants it and the lack of respect for your relationship with your parents, on top of the controlling and judgemental behaviour, should be putting you off him.

How long has he been out?

Seems that you haven’t connected with him since? Are you DP and DSis not questioning this? Had you already decided not to have anything to do with him for the rest of your lives and the the wedding was just another day? How do u you navigate other family events with your DP and DSis / BIL currently and in the future?

It sounds to me like you are trying to win your family's affection. You didn't follow the life plan they had for you, and your sister is the golden child. So I'd ask what you really want - do you want your BIL there because you like him? Or because you are afraid your family won't like you if you don't?

I also don't like your fiancé saying it doesn't matter if your family aren't there - and that's a completely separate things to your BIL. If he really feels that then say you want to elope, and that will show you if it's just your family, and your emotions that are unimportant

Realistically the person who is being forgotten in all this is you. It's your wedding - what do you want from the day? It's not up to other people to just tell you what you have to accept (it's also your fiancé's day but that's why you need to talk)

[quote jacq89]@TheGirlCat

I used to hear from my sister that he regularly got into scraps with other inmates and the other party usually came off worse.

I know that this happens in Prisons, but the amount of fights he got into was a ridiculous number. No time was added on miraculously, but it's just the fact he got into these punch ups and then bragged about others coming off worse.

It shows he has a temper. As I said I will sit down with my sis and BIL and have a talk. What my fiancé needs is that reassurance BIL can be trusted again.

BIL has had temper issues in the past. Getting into fights at the footy etc.. he's never laid a finger on my sis and treats her like a queen. That's all I can ask for in that respect. My fiancé just hates violence of any sort and won't even let my son attend boxing classes lol. [/quote]
This feels like a no win situation, but I think OP you are wise to sit down with your sister and talk it through.

Given OP's remarks about the BILs temper both before and during his sentence, and his bragging about his fights, it's clear that both OP and her DH are concerned.

Yes people do deserve a second chance, but they also have to re establish the trust they have broken and sometimes that takes time.

So talking it through with your sister and establishing what the current situation really is, and if she and her DP really understand your concerns and are willing to reassure you seems like a way forward. I think your parents unilaterally laying down the law about attending is very unhelpful forcing OP to pick a side or else, it doesn't sound like there is any reassurance to be had there.

OP's parents are using her wedding as an opportunity to make a statement. If they want to make a statement of public support, they could hold their own welcome back party for BIL as a first step.

This is the only wedding post I've seen on MN where majority agree that OP's parents have the right to dictate the guestlist or turn their back on the OP.

OP only you know the individuals concerned, perhaps your sis can set your DH's mind at rest or you can arrange some smaller meetings/gatherings to build bridges if that's what you want to do.
I hope you manage to find a solution that works for you and that you enjoy your wedding day.

This is what rings alarm bells for me:
I've explained my stance on it to him and that I respect his views. He's said he doesn't want the children around somebody who thinks it's acceptable to do what BIL did. How can I argue with that? That's why I agreed to not send an invite.
So he doesn’t want someone like that around the children. So it’s obviously not about the wedding is it? It’s about making you give in to not having a relationship with your family if they’re going to have a relationship with your BIL.

The alarm bells are ringing because it’s fairly evident that he’s using the wedding as a starting point to putting distance between you and your family. After the wedding it’ll be that he’s not invited to family functions, that you can’t go if he’ll be there, and before you know it your family won’t invite you any more because you won’t be allowed to go anyway.

What this man has done aside, your fiancé has fairly obvious, and chilling, motives here.

Tread carefully OP.

@Harlequin1088

Of course you don't want a felon at your wedding! Your parents and sister are being ridiculous if they don't understand that. It doesn't matter how long he's been in the family for. For most normal people, once you've done time people tend to not want anything to do with you anymore.

Stick to your guns. You've done nothing wrong. If he wanted to be part of a family and do nice things like get invited to weddings, he should've thought about that before getting locked up. Simple.

Thank goodness I know some abnormal people who aren't so judgemental.

I wouldn't want a drug dealer at my wedding, its a very serious crime and does untold damage to others - other families will have suffered greatly because he pushed drugs onto people. People may have died.

I think it is perfectly valid for your DH to be not to want him there.
The sad thing is that your parents and sister aren't coming because of it - but that's their choice - they are invited but have chosen not to come. It may be that if you stand firm they will actually come anyway, they might be just trying to pressure you into inviting him.

I don't think it is unreasonable or controlling of your Dh to be - considering many people don't invite aunty Mary because she once said they looked fat, not wanting a drug dealer seems like a pretty solid reason for exclusion.
It may be that they are

@HeartsAndClubs

This is what rings alarm bells for me: I've explained my stance on it to him and that I respect his views. He's said he doesn't want the children around somebody who thinks it's acceptable to do what BIL did. How can I argue with that? That's why I agreed to not send an invite. So he doesn’t want someone like that around the children. So it’s obviously not about the wedding is it? It’s about making you give in to not having a relationship with your family if they’re going to have a relationship with your BIL.

The alarm bells are ringing because it’s fairly evident that he’s using the wedding as a starting point to putting distance between you and your family. After the wedding it’ll be that he’s not invited to family functions, that you can’t go if he’ll be there, and before you know it your family won’t invite you any more because you won’t be allowed to go anyway.

What this man has done aside, your fiancé has fairly obvious, and chilling, motives here.

Tread carefully OP.

👏👏

You say he's not controlling, OP, but he clearly is. There are various types of controlling so maybe that's why you don't recognise this as a form of control. Ask any therapist, they will tell you your DP is absolutely being controlling. Not only is he telling you he would disown his own children and wipe them if they took a wrong turn in life, but he is systematically splitting you off from your family. And to top it all off? Says that your family 'don't matter' enough to be at your own wedding.

Seriously, have the talk with DS and BIL, but this is a communist party-sized red flag by your DP and I would seriously postpone the wedding, at the very least. I would not marry him, he has red flags all over his attitude so I wouldn't proceed with the wedding and would choose your own family over someone you'll probably end up divorcing from anyway, and will need the support of your family down the track, so choose your family always over some man.

How do other family gatherings work? Do you plan to never have for example a Christmas party with your parents, sister and her partner? How would you feel when your fiancé is not invited to your sister's wedding or you are excluded from events in your niece/nephew's lives. Presumably your parents won't go to important events in your life any more.

I understand why your fiancé doesn't want BIL around the children- I wouldn't either. But if you go ahead with the wedding with his family in attendance but not yours, I think you'll end up resenting him as much as your family will resent you.

As your fiancé is normally more reasonable, I'd ask him if you and him could spend time getting to know your sister and her partner before making a decision about the wedding. It is possible that he regrets the drug dealing and is a reformed person rather than your parents sticking up for a scumbag because your sister is their favourite. I obviously don't know your BIL but I know that there are people who go to prison but never go back because they make changes to their life. It is possible that your BIL
is one of those people. I'm not saying that you should cave to your family's demands but it sounds like you need some more info about BIL.

Btw I wouldn't judge someone for violence inside. My experience is TV rather than reality but if you don't stick up for yourself you can end up assaulted physically or sexually. Male bravado about winning the fight could be so that people outside don't worry about injuries and the chances of repercussions.

Finally I want to say that your parents are awful for taking BIL's side over yours. Not even an attempt at being conciliatory and go to the ceremony but not the party afterwards. Are they the type who will keep on throwing this in your face even if you do end up changing your mind and inviting him? Is your sister likely to come after she "wins" an invite for him?

I didnt invite my sisters partner to my wedding, because he is a prick. She was still my maid of honour. (She knows he is a prick too).

I don't get why your DP is being painted as the Bad 'un because your parents won't attend.

They are invited but are choosing to prioritise a violent criminal over their own daughter.

Your beef should be with your parents not your DP.

@TheGirlCat

I think your fiance' sounds so narrow-minded, bigoted, smug, self-righteous, judgemental and unfair. Once someone has completed their term, they've done their time, they deserve a second chance. If it were murder, rape, pedophilia I could understand. But only dealing drugs? Seriously, everyone deserves a second chance, is he (and you) going to hold your sister's partner's crimes against him FOREVER??? FFS. And OF COURSE he doesn't care, because it's not his family. It's only yours, so it doesn't affect him. So he's selfish as well in not considering your feelings or your own flesh and blood - your sister's feelings. I wonder if he might be different if it were his family, or would he still be such a nasty and narrow-minded smug person?

In the country I live in (Australia) the husband of a very prominent female Labour MP served several years for heroin dealing. He paid for his crime, he came out, got a job with the government and he is doing well. It never held him back. Because people here weren't so narrow-minded, so self-righteous and such bigots. And his wife is touted as a future PM so he will one day maybe be the husband of the future PM. And he was inside for heroin trafficking.

People go to jail, pay their dues, do their time and should be given a second chance. Your future husband sounds like a real self-righteous and narrow-minded selfish arsehole. I think I'd prefer to hang around your sister's partner any day, when I consider what your fiance is like!

You will really, REALLY regret it if you don't invite him. He has been with your sister longer than your idiot fiance has been around. Tell fiance straight; that BIL deserves a second chance, and if he doesn't like it, he can call off the wedding. I'd do that anyway if I were you, his attitude is truly unbecoming in a husband imo and as I said, he sounds like a nasty judgemental and smug self-righteous bigot, looking down on people 'lesser' than him who made a mistake. Sure you want to marry someone so judgemetal? Give your BIL a second chance! He's paid his debt to society, people make mistakes. He's not a murderer or rapist ffs. BIL is your family and you will regret allowing your fiance to tear your family apart like this. I'd even be prepared to call off the wedding if fiance didn't change his attitude.

Get some standards. Are you a drug dealer, that was pretty emotional rant.

@VapeVamp12

I didnt invite my sisters partner to my wedding, because he is a prick. She was still my maid of honour. (She knows he is a prick too).

People marry pricks all the time it would seem…

He says he doesn’t want the children around someone who thinks it’s acceptable to do what BIL did. How can I argue with that?
Are you saying BIL has no regrets about his drug issue that got him in prison or the fights in prison. If the former do you know he thinks his behaviour was ‘acceptable’. I would suggest you watch the 3 part series Time to get an idea of what people can experience in prison, it might give you more perspective on the level of violence in there and how you need to be in order to not be bullied.
I would argue on the basis that what if your own children make a mistake in life and get involved with drugs and serve time, will your DH abandon them in the same way he is expecting you to abandon your family.
You are being very subservient to him before you are even married. Why are you so convinced his position is so reasonable tgat you couldn’t argue with it and changed your actions to accommodate him and then felt guilty.you felt guilty as you knew you had done the wrong thing.
Did you visit your BIL in prison? Have you supported this family member in any way, someone who is godfather to your children and has been a close family member for 18 years. Did you support your sister?
I would be surprised if your relationship with them has not been irreparable damaged by your behaviour.

He takes drugs, got into fights in prison and has been violent in the past getting into fights at football matches, ....I’m with your fiancé, I’d want nothing to do with him. He’s not a good bloke, he’s a thug and it’s the fights at football matches that I have the most issue with.