Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not invite my sisters partner to my wedding

247 replies

jacq89 · 11/10/2021 20:25

Hello,

I'm new here and joined as I have a dilemma and wanted an outside perspective.

I'm getting married in April. The invites have gone out to all my family and friends, apart from my Sisters fiancé. They have been together for 18 years since the age of 15 and has he has been a huge part of my families life. He's even my children's Godfather.

Myself and future hubby have chosen not to invite him as he has just spent the last few years at Her Majesty's pleasure and we don't want to be associated with him any longer.

This is causing rifts with my sister and parents who state that they won't come if he isn't invited. I obviously want them there but my partner is adament that he doesn't want him there and that it doesn't matter if my family aren't there, the day is about us two. I'm in two minds... help!

OP posts:
TatianaBis · 11/10/2021 22:12

No way he would be at my wedding either. It’s really not hard to stay out of prison.

user1000000000009 · 11/10/2021 22:12

Yabu

He's served his time.

C152 · 11/10/2021 22:16

Really surprised you've got so many 'YABU' responses. It is your wedding and the guest list is entirely up to you and your future hubby. You don't actually need a reason not to invite someone and you don't have to justify your guest list to anyone. It's a really shitty thing your sister and parents are doing, threatening to boycott your wedding if the guest they want to attend doesn't get to go.

Mollymalone123 · 11/10/2021 22:17

He was inside for being a drug dealer-some godfather he turned out to be.I’m sorry you’ve been put in this position and tbh I think your sister and parents are naive in thinking everyone would welcome him with open arms.Nice people don’t deal drugs. They deal bloody misery.

Rainbowheart1 · 11/10/2021 22:18

18 years, surly his part of the family. I would invite him.

Branleuse · 11/10/2021 22:21

I think its a bit dramatic to exclude him from a family wedding like that. Your fiance clearly isnt bothered about causing rifts in your family

Chickychoccyegg · 11/10/2021 22:27

I'd invite him to be honest, he's been part of your family for 18 years.
Why would be kick off? There's no mention of any alcohol problems, so I'm assuming your basing the kicking off on the fact he was involved in fights in prison?, I'd assume they can be hard to avoid.
How long was he in and how long has he been out? I think that's relevant.
At the end of the day though, this is your family, so your choice ultimately, if you didn't like one of dhs family would he be OK with you saying the same things to him? such as it doesn't matter if your family are there (blatantly a stupid thing to say by the way, of course that matters)

Mynameismargot · 11/10/2021 22:28

@TatianaBis

No way he would be at my wedding either. It’s really not hard to stay out of prison.
So what you punish him forever? No matter what he does now that's it he's fucked? Of course the OP can take this stance if that is what she wants but surely you can see why others might think it is unfair?
TrainforSpeed · 11/10/2021 22:36

If he's been a valued member of the family and good to your sister for so long, why is he likely to "kick off" at your wedding?

You wouldn't want some random drug dealer and I agree with PP, that doesn't happen by accident, but why the expectation that his behaviour is so dramatically changed from the man you invited to be godfather? I can see why someone who doesn't know him wouldn't want him there and that you'd leave him off the list if he was a distant relative, but your sister's husband who you've previously been close to?

I hate what he's done (but odd that MN and it's MC drug use is so anti drug dealers) but this is about your sister, not him IMO.

BlackeyedSusan · 11/10/2021 22:37

difficult. he betrayed your trust in him as God parent as he has not set a very good example has he. Certainly broken a few of the promises he made. It takes time for that trust to build back up again. this is going to be quicker for your sister than for you, who sees him less. your fiance is even more distant and has fewer ties to him so it is natural he will be less inclined to be forgiving.

The decision would be up to you both together. how long he has been out and thus how long he has to rebuild the trust would factor into it.
whether he would be a good influence on your children as you need to protect them, and consider how they see him, and thus his influence on their perception of drugs and crime.

it is the sort of decision that needs to be taken in the whole context.

TatianaBis · 11/10/2021 22:38

@Mynameismargot

I wouldn’t punish him forever. Its possible to redeem himself but it will take time to see if he has actually changed.

CallMeNutribullet · 11/10/2021 22:39

Op it sounds like your DP is happy to seriously damage your relationship with your family and sister for the sake of not having someone at the wedding that he'd probably not even notice.
You've known the guy for 18 years, if he's not behaved badly at family events in the past, he's not likely to now because he's committed a non violent crime.

TatianaBis · 11/10/2021 22:39

difficult. he betrayed your trust in him as God parent as he has not set a very good example has he. Certainly broken a few of the promises he made. It takes time for that trust to build back up again. this is going to be quicker for your sister than for you, who sees him less. your fiance is even more distant and has fewer ties to him so it is natural he will be less inclined to be forgiving.

Yep.

TatianaBis · 11/10/2021 22:41

It’s really odd how hysterically obsessively anti drugs MN is, but if a convicted drug dealer is married to your sister, that’s perfectly ok.

rainraim · 11/10/2021 22:43

Gosh was it just me confused at 'being at Her majesty's pleasure' just say prison...

FancyLampshade · 11/10/2021 22:45

@TatianaBis

It’s really odd how hysterically obsessively anti drugs MN is, but if a convicted drug dealer is married to your sister, that’s perfectly ok.
But these are probably different posters?
EmeraldShamrock · 11/10/2021 22:47

If you don't want him there that's okay.
Talk to your family ask them to respect your wishes for the day.
When people make bad choices they have to except the consequences.

Redburnett · 11/10/2021 22:48

Stick to your decision and let your parents do as they see fit - but make it clear that if they effectively choose to side with a convicted drug dealer rather than come to their daughter's wedding then it is likely to be a low contact relationship with them from then on. They should respect your decision, not try to manipulate you into changing your mind.

whynotwhatknot · 11/10/2021 22:51

hmm sounds like favourtism towards yor sister generally -i assume you jsut accept that

how long has he been out-you say youve havent seen him

Eggsdancing · 11/10/2021 22:56

What he was in for. It was substance related and whilst in had some violent clashes. He isn't the man we used to know

yea to me that's an ok. The only thing I could think of that would be a no invite would be some sexual crime or a brutal murder/thug attack of an innocent. Other than that I'd take him, he's unlikely to be noticed really or do anything. It's one day fgs.

TatianaBis · 11/10/2021 22:57

But these are probably different posters?

Who knows, it’s an odd place.

The ones on this thread certainly seem very comfortable with criminality.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 11/10/2021 23:05

Your OP shows that both you and your fiancé do not want him at your wedding, therefore of course you should not invite him.

Ok I can understand your sister refusing to attend. If he was decent he would be understanding of the situation and persuading her to attend without him..perhaps he is but it seems unlikely given your parents stance. Like a PP said, nice people don't deal class A drugs.

I think your parents are bang out of order though. How hurtful that they would rather side with a convicted criminal than support their own daughter.

LizzieW1969 · 11/10/2021 23:08

I can see that this is very tricky for you, and I’m sorry that you’re in this position; your parents in particular are being very unfair in siding with your sister like this.

I’m inclined to agree with posters suggesting that it might be a good idea to elope and have a celebration afterwards.

Billi77 · 11/10/2021 23:10

YABU. You’re punishing your sister more than anyone. And you should have a think about the boundaries around marrying someone so controlling

Luckingfovely · 11/10/2021 23:14

I really don't get so many people excusing his behaviour. It was clearly serious, and while he has served his sentence, that doesn't mean that on release he is immediately rehabilitated and completely trustworthy. It takes time to build that back up, likely years.

The bottom line is: you and DH-to-be don't want him at your wedding, so he is not invited. End of. No more discussion.

If your parents and sister want to sever relationships with you over that, then that is on them, and also handily tells you everything you need to know about how much they value you in relation to the sister's partner.

Let them flap and stew and ignore their drama, and hopefully your parents will come round. If not, you still have a clear conscience, knowing that you would not be bullied or emotionally blackmailed into doing something that would spoil your wedding day.

I'd also rescind the godparent role immediately - going to prison for dealing drugs is about the best reason for doing this that I've heard!

Swipe left for the next trending thread