AIBU to not invite my sisters partner to my wedding

[jacq89]

Hello,

I'm new here and joined as I have a dilemma and wanted an outside perspective.

I'm getting married in April. The invites have gone out to all my family and friends, apart from my Sisters fiancé. They have been together for 18 years since the age of 15 and has he has been a huge part of my families life. He's even my children's Godfather.

Myself and future hubby have chosen not to invite him as he has just spent the last few years at Her Majesty's pleasure and we don't want to be associated with him any longer.

This is causing rifts with my sister and parents who state that they won't come if he isn't invited. I obviously want them there but my partner is adament that he doesn't want him there and that it doesn't matter if my family aren't there, the day is about us two. I'm in two minds... help!

Family should be there for each other on difficult times, nit cut them off. 17years together and you expect your sister to come without him? He’s godfather to your child, he made a mistake and served his time. What about second chances?
If it’s substance related is he an addict, if so this is a medical problem and something he needs support with.

I think your fiance' sounds so narrow-minded, bigoted, smug, self-righteous, judgemental and unfair. Once someone has completed their term, they've done their time, they deserve a second chance. If it were murder, rape, pedophilia I could understand. But only dealing drugs? Seriously, everyone deserves a second chance, is he (and you) going to hold your sister's partner's crimes against him FOREVER??? FFS. And OF COURSE he doesn't care, because it's not his family. It's only yours, so it doesn't affect him. So he's selfish as well in not considering your feelings or your own flesh and blood - your sister's feelings. I wonder if he might be different if it were his family, or would he still be such a nasty and narrow-minded smug person?

In the country I live in (Australia) the husband of a very prominent female Labour MP served several years for heroin dealing. He paid for his crime, he came out, got a job with the government and he is doing well. It never held him back. Because people here weren't so narrow-minded, so self-righteous and such bigots. And his wife is touted as a future PM so he will one day maybe be the husband of the future PM. And he was inside for heroin trafficking.

People go to jail, pay their dues, do their time and should be given a second chance. Your future husband sounds like a real self-righteous and narrow-minded selfish arsehole. I think I'd prefer to hang around your sister's partner any day, when I consider what your fiance is like!

You will really, REALLY regret it if you don't invite him. He has been with your sister longer than your idiot fiance has been around. Tell fiance straight; that BIL deserves a second chance, and if he doesn't like it, he can call off the wedding. I'd do that anyway if I were you, his attitude is truly unbecoming in a husband imo and as I said, he sounds like a nasty judgemental and smug self-righteous bigot, looking down on people 'lesser' than him who made a mistake. Sure you want to marry someone so judgemetal? Give your BIL a second chance! He's paid his debt to society, people make mistakes. He's not a murderer or rapist ffs. BIL is your family and you will regret allowing your fiance to tear your family apart like this. I'd even be prepared to call off the wedding if fiance didn't change his attitude.

it doesn't matter if my family aren't there

What a selfish fucking prick!!! It 'doesn't matter' to him that your family aren't there? Seriously? Of course it would matter to you not having your family there, he really doesn't even care about your feelings. RED FLAGS. He really doesn't care that he is tearing your family apart does he? Your fiance looks far far worse than your BIL!!! How can you stand marrying such a cold selfish arsehole? Cancel the wedding. Organise a nice dinner for yourself, your sister and BIL instead. Just the 3 of you. Dump the selfish arsehole, he is far worse morally than your BIL. Your fiance just shows you can not have gone to jail but still be a bad person.

I thought the standard mn response was always, “it’s your wedding, invite or don’t invite who you want.” It seems the rules have changed today and you must now invite people you don’t want to.

Op, you said you’re in 2 minds but honestly what’s your preferred option? If you had to decide in the next 5 seconds, do you want to invite him or don’t you?

You are so unreasonable and so judgemental. People change. Allow him
To. Your fiancé sounds more
Of a problem

If this is the first major difference of opinion you've had I think it's hard to know if he's controlling or if you've just been going along with what he wants until now (maybe without really realising you're doing it).

I have some sympathy for your DP not wanting a violent drug dealer at his wedding. Even if he is part of your family. But I can also see why your family want to support him (apart from any love they hold for him, it's good citizenship - recidivism is much higher for those who aren't accepted back into normal, non-criminal society)

If the wedding isn't until April you have months to meet up with your DSis and partner so you can form your own opinion on whether he's the sort of person you really, really don't want at your wedding or not.

@CuteGirlsWatchMeEatEther

I thought the standard mn response was always, “it’s your wedding, invite or don’t invite who you want.” It seems the rules have changed today and you must now invite people you don’t want to.

Op, you said you’re in 2 minds but honestly what’s your preferred option? If you had to decide in the next 5 seconds, do you want to invite him or don’t you?

It is the standard response. But it's also standard to remind posters that their actions have consequences and if they don't invite someone then other people can react to that and withdraw their own attendance if they want - the exact scenario threatened here and what OP would like to avoid.

@CallMeNutribullet

Op it sounds like your DP is happy to seriously damage your relationship with your family and sister for the sake of not having someone at the wedding that he'd probably not even notice. You've known the guy for 18 years, if he's not behaved badly at family events in the past, he's not likely to now because he's committed a non violent crime.

This.

I also read the 'kick off' comment as other guests may have a skin full of alcohol and round on the BIL. Not that BIL would.

Also violent in prison? Does OP even know if BIL started it? Perhaps he was attacked by others and was merely defending himself.

Regardless it does sound like the DP is willing to wreck OP's family just to be self-righteous and holier-than-thou. I wonder what his response would be if OP said to him, "ok as my parents are not coming because you vetoed BIL, how about we save money by uninviting your parents too?" Maybe you should test him with that, OP, I bet he'll squeal like a stuck pig. I bet if the shoe was on the other foot he would 'care' very much if his own parents and family weren't there. I can't get past him being so cold and selfish as to say it 'doesn't matter' to him if the family of the woman he loves and marries isn't there for her on the day. I don't see that DP has any good morals himself either, he sounds such a selfish jerk. Maybe OP you may finally be seeing DP for his true colours and not go through with the wedding. Any man who doesn't give a damn about his bride not having her family with her and is so cold and and so brass necked to even say that to her has questionable morals himself imo.

@jacq89

I'm just worried with alcohol in the mix and others there who may not get along with him that things could potentially kick off.

It's your wedding don't feel pressured into inviting him if he might cause a scene it's your special day and your sister and parents should understand that

"Myself and future hubby have chosen not to invite him as he has just spent the last few years at Her Majesty's pleasure and we don't want to be associated with him any longer."
there it is you wrote it yourself, its clearly been discussed and is a joint decision and you recognise that its going to cause an almighty shit storm eitherway so either stand by that together or joint call your sister and partner and explain how you feel torn and what a shadow its casting over things.

People change

And your evidence that he has is what?

That OP is worried things might kick off with other people who don’t like him, suggests that he hasn’t.

@TatianaBis

People change

And your evidence that he has is what?

That OP is worried things might kick off with other people who don’t like him, suggests that he hasn’t.

That OP is worried that OTHER PEOPLE may kick off does NOT suggest he hasn't changed. If other people get drunk and kick off at BIL that suggests OTHER PEOPLE have a problem with their behaviour, and perhaps other people shouldn't be invited if they might kick off. That's not BIL's fault.

OP is clearly worried that if other people kick off it will end up in a fight indicating that his own violence is not behind him.

@TatianaBis

OP is clearly worried that if other people kick off it will end up in a fight indicating that his own violence is not behind him.

There is nothing even remotely in the OP's words that indicate that. Nor is there any evidence that he is/was violent. And if someone kicks off and attacks him, and he defends himself how does that make him violent for merely defending himself? It seems some are so desperate to paint him as violent, even going as far as suggesting he is responsible for the violence and behaviour of other people, and if he defends himself from physical attacks then he is in the wrong for that, too. BIL is not responsible for the actions of someone else. Someone defending themselves is not necessarily being violent. If someone jumps you and you defend yourself, are you at fault? Seriously, think through what you're actually saying.

YANBU

I wouldn't have a convicted criminal and/or drug dealer at my wedding, or in any part of my life.

I wasn't at all surprised at the update that basically said your sister was the golden child. If your parents choose not to come, I'd be very honest with anyone who asked why and tell them that they chose to prioritise a criminal over their own daughter.

Anyone who thinks your partner is being controlling in this scenario is ridiculous. He's perfectly entitled to not want a criminal/druggie at his wedding. It's your parents and sister who are controlling and being emotionally manipulative.

my sister and parents who state that they won't come if he isn't invited. I obviously want them there but my partner is adament that he doesn't want him there and that it doesn't matter if my family aren't there

Your fiancé is happy to cause a rift between you and your family that could cut you off from your support network, rather than talking and finding a way to keep the peace? Do not marry such a man.

Seriously, think through what you're actually saying.

OP can’t trust him not to get pulled into a fight. So she has concerns about him and concerns about the people who don’t like him. It’s hardly ‘desperate’ to describe someone who served extra time in prison for violence as violent.

Personally I wouldn’t invite any of them.

If you like criminals you’re free to fuck who you like, but you ain’t coming to my wedding.

@fargo123 Agreed.

@TatianaBis

Seriously, think through what you're actually saying.

OP can’t trust him not to get pulled into a fight. So she has concerns about him and concerns about the people who don’t like him. It’s hardly ‘desperate’ to describe someone who served extra time in prison for violence as violent.

Personally I wouldn’t invite any of them.

If you like criminals you’re free to fuck who you like, but you ain’t coming to my wedding.

@TatianaBis Um, WHERE did the OP say he served 'extra time'? I re-read her posts, she says nothing of the sort. You are not only blaming someone for the actions of others and saying someone isn't allowed to defend themself, you are ALSO inventing a narrative that simply isn't there because you are prejudiced and narrow-minded.

Surely the fact that your parents have welcomed the man back into the family circle counts in his favour. They would hardly do that if they thought him dangerous to your sister or likely to disrupt your wedding.
Have you seen him since he got out? It might help you to decide if you did.

It’s in her 2nd and 3rd posts. 🙄

@TatianaBis

It’s in her 2nd and 3rd posts. 🙄

Nope, no mention of extra

I wouldn't want him at my wedding either but I would want my sister there. It's a real difficult one and no right answer.

What is his current behaviour like? How has he behaved at previous events? Has he caused trouble?

What other wedding guests will have an issue with him? How likely are they to kick off or will they be respectful of your day?

Weight it up, pros and cons, of him being there and the overall impact on your life going forward.

@TatianaBis

It’s in her 2nd and 3rd posts. 🙄

@TatianaBis Seriously you are truly embarrassing yourself now.

whilst in had some violent clashes

WHILST IN. As an aside. It doesn't say he had 'extra time' because of those clashes.

and

Substance related crimes and violence whilst inside

Nowhere there either, does it say he did extra time.

Please, just stop. You are creating a narrative that simply does not even exist. Almost all prisoners experience 'violent clashes', very, very rarely do they do 'extra time'. If they did, basically every prisoner would have extra time. Only if it ends in the murder of another prisoner maybe. It's quite clear you have no understanding whatsoever what you're talking about and are simply narrow-minded and prejudiced.

what he was in for?

It was substance related and whilst in had some violent clashes.

what did he serve time for?

Substance related crimes and violence whilst inside

HTH