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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not invite my sisters partner to my wedding

247 replies

jacq89 · 11/10/2021 20:25

Hello,

I'm new here and joined as I have a dilemma and wanted an outside perspective.

I'm getting married in April. The invites have gone out to all my family and friends, apart from my Sisters fiancé. They have been together for 18 years since the age of 15 and has he has been a huge part of my families life. He's even my children's Godfather.

Myself and future hubby have chosen not to invite him as he has just spent the last few years at Her Majesty's pleasure and we don't want to be associated with him any longer.

This is causing rifts with my sister and parents who state that they won't come if he isn't invited. I obviously want them there but my partner is adament that he doesn't want him there and that it doesn't matter if my family aren't there, the day is about us two. I'm in two minds... help!

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 11/10/2021 21:36

There's no suggestion that he specifically has a problem with alcohol.

Warmduscher · 11/10/2021 21:39

I agree! I don’t know why PP think OP’s fiancé is controlling. He just doesn’t want a drug dealing violent man at his wedding.

Probably because he said he doesn’t care if excluding the sisters partner means the OP’s family won’t be there.

Original poster

jacq89 · 11/10/2021 21:40

@LorenzoVonMatterhorn

Re: the drugs... People do crazy things when under the influence or addicted or desperate for money. I wouldnt want a fresh out of prison addict or someone so desperate for money they would see drugs at my wedding either.

Op, why do you think your family are ao adamant it is what your sister wants over what you want at your wedding? Have they form for this?

My brother in law have been in our lives for a lot longer than my future hubby and is loved by everyone! He was (might still be) a great guy, charming, funny, and good to my sis.

Mum has always loved the bones off of him, and him and my sis can do no wrong in her eyes. She says that he made a terrible mistake, has served his time, has learnt his lesson....

Me and mum had a slightly fractured relationship as I got pregnant at 16 and didn't go onto Uni like sis and get a great job, so she has always been the fav lol. They seem to side with her a lot, and that's just something I've gotten used to growing up. But this time, I have someone else's feelings to take in to consideration. It's so hard having to think about everyones views. The eloping ideas sound great haha!

OP posts:

SilkySuky · 11/10/2021 21:40

I would absolutely not have him there. This a crime that takes time, not a one off mistake or one bad choice.

From professional experience prison does not cure this behaviour or show the error of an offenders ways but more often give a better and wider circle in which to ' work'.
I wonder how many other posters saying bygones be bygones would really want a convicted drug dealer at their wedding.

Kb2942 · 11/10/2021 21:41

It greatly depends on what he's been in for!

GatoradeMeBitch · 11/10/2021 21:44

I think the problem here is your parents. How dare they threaten to boycott your wedding to stand by your sister's fiance.

You should stand by your decision. If you go back on it, won't things be really awkward? It's your day, you shouldn't have to be laser focused on managing the feelings of someone you don't even like.

Let your sister not attend and do the stand by her man bit, but I think your parents deserve a bit of emotional blackmail. "If sister's fiance really means more to you than me, there's nothing I can do about that..." Unless they are really cold hearted, they'll back down.

GatoradeMeBitch · 11/10/2021 21:48

I didn't see your last post. Well, let your DM do what she wants. It's your wedding. All you can do is invite the people you want there, and if they want to come they'll come.

Or if the invitations haven't gone out yet, maybe look into other ways you can have a romantic and memorable wedding without a big guest list. Just head off somewhere meaningful with friends as your witnesses and do it on your own terms. And your DP's can't be pissed off that you got married without informing them because they literally told you they weren't coming!

andweallsingalong · 11/10/2021 21:48

I agree with you that if there's any chance he could kick off, then I wouldn't want him there.

If he's genuinely changed and is the man you use to know and love then he would realise he had a lot to prove before things go back to the way they were. Given the acrimony I wonder if he has. Booze and violent men are never a good mix.

If you think he might have changed then sit down with him and IF he convinces you and your DF ask if you can speak to his probation officer for proof he's clean and to hear their risk assessment on him.

TheChip · 11/10/2021 21:49

Why would he kick off? Is he known for kick offs? Or was he just violent in prison? Was he a drug user or just a drug dealer?

What do you really want to do if you take away everybody else's thoughts and opinions on the matter?

Mynameismargot · 11/10/2021 21:52

@PikachuAndMe

I don't understand a lot of the previous posters. As I see it your sister and your parents are trying to put pressure on you and blackmailing you into inviting your drug dealing BIL to your wedding. They are the ones at fault her. If you and your husband don't want someone there then that is up to you not them. I would invite your parents and sister without BIL and it is their decision whether they come to your wedding or not. Don't be bullied by them.

Or are the parents just saying we don't feel it is right for you to exile someone that has been in our family for 18years when we feel he has paid for his crime and changed and don't want to part of something which we feel is nasty.

She can invite who she like but her family can also make their decision whether or not to take up the invite. If I thought a member of my family was using their wedding to make a public statement about someone I thought of as family and didn't feel that they deserved that statement I wouldn't want to be a part of that either.

steff13 · 11/10/2021 21:53

For me it would depend on some factors - how long was he in? How long has he been out? Has he behaved himself since? Is he working, and generally a productive member of society?

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 11/10/2021 21:54

I thought your sister would be the golden child. Sounds quite toxic.
Min that case, id be happy to give them what they want. Sister’s fiancé remains not invited and if they cannot bear to attend their daughter’s wedding without him, then so be it. And i would not be keeping that secret either.

FancyLampshade · 11/10/2021 21:55

I think having seen your update about the reason for prison you're actually being very harsh. And from what I gather... getting caught up in violence in prison doesn't necessarily mean it was willingly... You're just turning your backs on him now?

MrzClaus · 11/10/2021 21:56

YANBU to not invite him...I personally wouldn't feel comfortable having someone who went to jail for drugs and was violent whilst inside at my wedding either! Especially if he was in for the last few years - that suggests a sentence not for petty crime, or a level of violence that prevented him being released.

I think your future husband is well within his rights to not want to invite him - and if your parents / sister choose to stand by someone who went to jail for drugs vs their daughter, that's more on them than you.

Just because people say "oh he's changed / he's done his time / he's a different person now" it doesn't mean anything. I'll bet any money these will have been the same people who were totally shocked that he did the things in the first place!

I would stand firm here and not invite him.

AramintaLee · 11/10/2021 21:58

I think it depends... has he learned from his stint in prison and reformed? In which case he probably deserves a second chance. Not supporting him at this stage and excluding him could set him back (although that's not your fault, I just think maybe being welcomed back into the family might do some good)

However if he's come out of prison and hasn't learned a thing and is still misbehaving... I probably wouldn't want him at my wedding.

GoWalkabout · 11/10/2021 21:58

I think your family are not being unreasonable because this could be a setback for his reintegration and resettlement - he has been punished and now needs to prove he can be a valuable member of society again, which he can't do if exiled by everyone. Therefore I agree with them saying they won't come if he's not invited. I can see it might be awkward and worrying for you both, especially if others know he has done time. I would suggest that you find a way to see him and talk it over before Christmas, see how you feel after seeing him. DH should follow your wishes because its your family and the crime wasn't against him or you. Its fine for him to make his feelings known though.

TrufflesAndToast · 11/10/2021 22:00

I can sympathise with your fiancée - I wouldn’t want someone like that at my wedding either. Drug dealers are amongst the lowest of the low. I would need a long period of convincing he was a completely reformed character before letting him back into my life. I can see it’s difficult for your sister but she should probably get used to some awkward moments if she’s choosing someone like him as a life partner!

FilthyforFirth · 11/10/2021 22:01

From reading between the lines I dont think you want him there either. I dont blame you, I bloody wouldnt.

The villans of the piece are your parents though, not your DH as most are suggesting. Your update clarifies things. Your sister is the golden child to the extent they are siding with a criminal over their own daughter.

It is very sad but I honestly wouldnt want them there after that. I feel for you.

BreakfastClub80 · 11/10/2021 22:03

I think it’s your and your fiancé’s wedding, not your sisters or your mum & dads. If you are able to ‘overrule’ your fiancé on this, how will he feel?
Will he still attend?

Iwonder08 · 11/10/2021 22:03

People here are crazy accusing your future DH of being controlling on the basis that he doesn't want a violent drug dealer on his wedding. If it matters to you so much then elope. However I would stand my ground with the family who are bullying you into inviting him

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 11/10/2021 22:05

I wouldn’t have a drug dealer at my wedding but I wouldn’t be dictated to by my fiancé either.

gogohm · 11/10/2021 22:07

Is he a reformed character, if so then yabu if he's an alcoholic and going out looking for fights on Saturdays then yanbu

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 11/10/2021 22:10

@FilthyforFirth is correct in saying that the real villains here are your parents, they are being ridiculous to blackmail you into forcing you to have someone at your wedding you don’t want.

whiteroseredrose · 11/10/2021 22:10

I wouldn't invite your BIL. It is your DH's wedding too so he shouldn't be blackmailed into inviting someone who he really doesn't want there.

It is your parents' choice not to come. They are invited after all. They are choosing to blackmail you both.

Having heard the crime I'd be more certain. Drugs is one of the worst crimes often involving children in county lines distribution. Utter selfishness. I'd struggle to have anything to do with him.

KingdomScrolls · 11/10/2021 22:11

If he was in for a few years it must've been quite significant levels of supply/distribution class A, or he has a fair amount of previous convictions or there were firearms/violence involved. I wouldn't have him at my wedding, and I wouldn't be bullied by family who'd rather turn a blind eye. I have seen the other side of dealing, the exploitation, the violence, the trafficking. I don't think your partner is being controlling at all in the circumstances. It's his wedding too.

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