AIBU to not invite my sisters partner to my wedding

[jacq89]

Hello,

I'm new here and joined as I have a dilemma and wanted an outside perspective.

I'm getting married in April. The invites have gone out to all my family and friends, apart from my Sisters fiancé. They have been together for 18 years since the age of 15 and has he has been a huge part of my families life. He's even my children's Godfather.

Myself and future hubby have chosen not to invite him as he has just spent the last few years at Her Majesty's pleasure and we don't want to be associated with him any longer.

This is causing rifts with my sister and parents who state that they won't come if he isn't invited. I obviously want them there but my partner is adament that he doesn't want him there and that it doesn't matter if my family aren't there, the day is about us two. I'm in two minds... help!

Well dissecting BIL's nature and whether your judgement of him is justified aside...you're essentially telling your sister you don't value her relationship (presumably you are not attending her wedding), but you want her to come and celebrate and value your "valid" relationship.
Don't invite him if you want, but if I were your sister I would probably cut all ties with you. I suppose that's the real scenario to consider rather than hypotheticals about one "special day".
I'd rather have my sister in my life over wedding day perfection

If you're worried he may cause a scene then I wouldn't invite him. If you think he will vehave, regardless of his prison sentence is invite him. It will be awkward though for your relationship with your family if you make this stand.

This is the only wedding post I've seen on MN where majority agree that OP's parents have the right to dictate the guestlist or turn their back on the OP.

Well yes because it's not about a wedding day is it really? It's about severing ties with Dsis and BIL going forward. I think OP's fiance has made that pretty clear.
So yes in this circumstances I think its valid for the parents to chime in and say that they want their daughter to respect their other daughters relationship and see it as valid and it will be difficult for them to support OP in that choice if does choose to cut ties with BIL

@Sandinmyknickers

Well dissecting BIL's nature and whether your judgement of him is justified aside...you're essentially telling your sister you don't value her relationship (presumably you are not attending her wedding), but you want her to come and celebrate and value your "valid" relationship. Don't invite him if you want, but if I were your sister I would probably cut all ties with you. I suppose that's the real scenario to consider rather than hypotheticals about one "special day". I'd rather have my sister in my life over wedding day perfection

This

This is awful for you. What a decision for you to have to make!
If you can deal with severing relations with parents and sister, I think go ahead and stick with no invite for BIL.
If you really value your relationship with your sister, then he may need to be invited. It’s more than likely that he’ll behave himself and then you don’t need him to attend any further events.

@RunningToHeaven

He takes drugs, got into fights in prison and has been violent in the past getting into fights at football matches, ....I’m with your fiancé, I’d want nothing to do with him. He’s not a good bloke, he’s a thug and it’s the fights at football matches that I have the most issue with.

Pretty much all of this

OP. it's your wedding, your choice

If my family were valuing a criminal's rights over mine, I'd drop them.

What a role model

@Sandinmyknickers

This is the only wedding post I've seen on MN where majority agree that OP's parents have the right to dictate the guestlist or turn their back on the OP.

Well yes because it's not about a wedding day is it really? It's about severing ties with Dsis and BIL going forward. I think OP's fiance has made that pretty clear.
So yes in this circumstances I think its valid for the parents to chime in and say that they want their daughter to respect their other daughters relationship and see it as valid and it will be difficult for them to support OP in that choice if does choose to cut ties with BIL

Then it's between the Sis and the OP. Not the parents Theirs is a knee jerk reaction and hardly the most helpful thing they could do.
There are other ways round this. They could for example talk to both parties, try to reassure each side instead of issuing ultimatums. They want the OP's absolute obedience or else.

** I don't get why your DP is being painted as the Bad 'un because your parents won't attend.

They are invited but are choosing to prioritise a violent criminal over their own daughter.

Your beef should be with your parents not your DP.**

^I completely agree. But this is MN and every man is controlling.

To the posters saying ditch BIL after one spell in prison and some fighting to defend himself. Have any of you righteous beings ever considered if BIL was your own child. I wonder if your children make a mistake and have a sentence if you would take the same hard nosed unforgiving attitude to your own children. What an attitude to cast aside and through out if society anyone who has been in prison, maybe we can return to shipping all convicts to Australia.

It’s one day. I’d invite him for the sake of peace and to keep my sister happy. He’s served his time. It sounds like you don’t mind and your partner is being adick though

@Autumnleaves4

To the posters saying ditch BIL after one spell in prison and some fighting to defend himself. Have any of you righteous beings ever considered if BIL was your own child. I wonder if your children make a mistake and have a sentence if you would take the same hard nosed unforgiving attitude to your own children. What an attitude to cast aside and through out if society anyone who has been in prison, maybe we can return to shipping all convicts to Australia.

Op is not his mother.

What about the fighting at football matches?

OP, you wouldn't be the first couple to get fed up and go get married on your own. Sometimes family and in-laws don't mix. Good luck!

I do think YABU not to invite him. He has been in your family's life for, what, 18 years?
I'm not saying that what he did was at all okay, but he was sentenced, served time, and is now in a vulnerable position wherein the majority of society will be viewing him askance.
People CAN change, both for better and worse.
You're drawing a line in the sand by not inviting this man; your family are responding in kind.
Ultimately, it's your wedding, but how you ultimately decide will determine your familial relations going forward.

I wouldn’t invite him. If he can get into fights at football matches then he’s already proved to be someone unreliable outside prison.
I wouldn’t want my wedding to be one of the first big emotional charged event( especially with alcohol) that he attends after coming out, and I wouldn’t want to feel I had to watch him all day incase he wasn’t behaving.

I know it hurts, but I actually wouldn’t want your parents there either, after they’ve shown so little thought for you and your dh.

I really can’t believe people are blaming your dh. Of course he’s going to be concerned that someone who gets into fights is planning to attend his wedding where all his most loved people are going to be.

None of my family or friends get into fights - it’s really not that big a deal to expect that level of behaviour off people you hang around with. ( I’m meaning the football fights here, I appreciate prison is different.)

I wouldn’t invite him. Your Dh doesn’t know him.

I wouldn't invite him especially since he's obviously picked up a lovely violent trait from being in prison.

Those going on about a ‘mistake’ etc are utterly deluded.
This was not a misunderstood teenager who stole a car this was an adult man with a wife who chose to pursue a life of criminality.
No one is put in prison for selling drugs on one occasion with no previous offences (and a person is highly unlikely to be caught from one incident anyway)
This is someone who preyed on vulnerable people.
It’s up the OP who she invites (it’s clear her parents are utter bastards) but the minimisation of criminality on this thread is vomit inducing.

I first thought you were being unreasonable but putting myself in your shoes there's no way I'd want a drug dealing, violent scumbag at my wedding either. Lowers the tone doesn't it! Can't imagine my sister being with someone like that though. Very bloody awkward for you. Are you close to your sister? Could you voice your concerns about him potentially kicking off (and convince her to leave him while you're at it!) tough situation all round.

Personally I wouldn’t invite him either. A wedding day you should be able to relax and feel love for everyon there not be worrying some idiot is going to start a fight. Particularly now he knows he wasn’t originally invited. It seems to me that your family are trying to bully you. I agree with your husband to be.

If your parents are serious about not coming (and I bet they aren’t but if they really choose this guy over you then I’m very sorry, that’s awful behaviour by them OP), maybe change the wedding from mega traditional to something more bespoke.

The most important thing is that you and your husband feel relaxed and happy on your wedding day and it sounds very unlikely that’s possible if your sister’s boyfriend is there.

How long has it been since he came out of prison?
Had he been in trouble since?

When did you go no contact with him? Straight away? When you and your partner got together? If together at the time, who decided that?

Do you have a relationship with your sister still? How does that manifest, is BIL never there?

@jacq89

I'm just worried with alcohol in the mix and others there who may not get along with him that things could potentially kick off.

Who would kick off and why?

The BIl would drink and start fights?

Other guests would drink and round on him?

Major fights and clashed would quickly add days in to sentences. I was involved in those kind of decisions for a while when working in a prison. It didn't take a huge ambit to get an extra day or two, or linger, added to sentences if there were violent clashes going on.

So I suspect these violent clashes weren't actual as bad as you think they might have been perhaps.

And yes, fights happen all the time in prison. The people who come off best in them aren't always the ones who started them.

For me it depends on how long these been out and what they've been like since.