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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think once every 2 weeks is enough?

508 replies

naggy095 · 11/10/2021 07:21

Sorry it’s another PIL one…MIL does this passive aggressive thing of talking to 4mo DD in her baby voice about things that are directed towards me, e.g. “is your mummy anti-social? She is isn’t she!”. My favourite one so far “you’re much prettier than your mummy, aren’t you!”. 🙄

PILs have been going on since the day we got home from the hospital about looking after her overnight (no matter how many times I decline the requests keep coming), and the most recent comment to DD was “we can’t wait for you to sleep over, but you probably won’t know who we are because we don’t see you enough, do we”. We see PILs with DD at a minimum 1-2 times every 2 weeks, we spend a few hours with them each time. They see her more than anyone else on either side of the families.

AIBU to think at least once every 2 weeks is ‘enough’ for a grandchild to see their grandparents?

OP posts:
DappledThings · 11/10/2021 07:22

It's plenty. And they sound like twats.

SmallWaistFatFace · 11/10/2021 07:22

You need to get your DP to nip that shit in the bud right away or push back the visits even more.

WaterBottle123 · 11/10/2021 07:23

If MIL spoke to me like that the number of times she saw my kids would be zero. In accepting that behaviour you're showing DD that bullying is ok.

Tell your partner no more visits until MIL learns to behave like a civilised human being

Rainallnight · 11/10/2021 07:24

They sound appalling. How dare they treat you like that?

WhoNeedsaManOfTheWorld · 11/10/2021 07:24

I couldn't put up with that shit
Honestly I think I'd just say to her if you want to sat something then act like an adult and say it. As your DC gets older it will be a problem if not stopped now
Tell her overnights will not happen

Immaculatemisconception · 11/10/2021 07:31

Threads like this remind me of other PIL threads, where posters are moaning about grandparents not doing enough free child care.

BlowDryRat · 11/10/2021 07:33

@WaterBottle123

If MIL spoke to me like that the number of times she saw my kids would be zero. In accepting that behaviour you're showing DD that bullying is ok.

Tell your partner no more visits until MIL learns to behave like a civilised human being

I agree. What do you say when she comes out with this kind of thing? More importantly, what does your DH say?
NailsNeedDoing · 11/10/2021 07:34

You see the in-laws enough. You need to think of some nice comebacks that you can throw back at her through your baby. Play her at her own game.

Lostmarbles2021 · 11/10/2021 07:35

That would really wind me up. It’s a real button pusher. The comment about her being prettier - whilst true because babies are just simply more gorgeous than any one - was really awful.

Try asking her questions:

MIL to baby. ‘You won’t remember who we are’
You: ‘is there something you are trying to say to me?’ Or ‘Are you trying to tell me you don’t see her enough?’

You could just keep naming it ... ‘you are talking to DD but I get the feeling you want to tell me something?’ And repeat.

Don’t let her hide behind passive aggression. She is too scared to say what she means in an adult way so politely questioning her or noticing what she is doing will force her to either say what she means (you then need to be ready to state your boundaries clearly and politely) or she’ll stop to avoid having to.

Good luck!!

girlmom21 · 11/10/2021 07:36

MIL needs to pack it in because soon enough DD will understand

samwitwicky · 11/10/2021 07:39

Fucking inlaws. Why can't they just be normal?!

Your DH needs to put a stop to it. Right now.

The passive aggressive comments needs to stop. She is cussing you to your child. Yes she's only 4 months now but it will only get worse as she gets older.

if she can't show you any respect then she doesn't get a relationship with your DD. It should be as simple as that.

As for overnight stays, don't do it. Not until you are 100% comfortable.

My MIL came to stay with us for 2 weeks after DS was born and insisted on having him overnight while in my house. DH did not see any issue. Even now when thinking about it, it makes me want to punch both their lights out.

Saoirse82 · 11/10/2021 07:39

It wouldn't be enough in my family but I'm close with my parents and in laws. But that's not really the point, I wouldn't want my child around my in laws if they were being so disrespectful to me, I wouldn't put up with that shit. What does your DH say? That behaviour wouldn't fly with mine.

GroggyLegs · 11/10/2021 07:40

And where's your DH & FIL while this weird passive aggressive performance is happening?

Didn't you react to the pretty thing? I mean, yes,.of course, babies are gorgeous, but it it's still horribly mean.

BrilliantBulb · 11/10/2021 07:40

You (your DP) need to start responding when your MIL talks about you.

Shelddd · 11/10/2021 07:41

I think it's weird for them to push to have your baby overnight. Probably would have my guard up. Overnights are really something that should be initiated by you. I would be weary of anyone at all that tries to push for that level of unsupervised access regardless of how close they are to you.

Sorry just had to point that out, it really stood out to me.

Areyouhappy · 11/10/2021 07:42

Wow that's awful op. Really rude! YANBU at all! In those circumstances I would take the baby off her and speak quite bluntly to her and say (politely and calmly) something like "you know [MIL], if we are going to get on, it will be best if you speak to me directly about any potential problems instead of hiding behind [4 mth old]". And explain again about your other family commitments and although you appreciate their offer of help, it's too early, yet and to please stop pressuring you. Where is your DH in this? Is he leaving you to confront them?

Quickchangeartiste · 11/10/2021 07:42

You could do as Lostmarbles suggests, which is what I do when MIL pulls her passive aggressive crap,
or you could say ‘of course you’ll remember her, won’t you DD, she’s the ugly witch we talk about in stories “. Which would of course drag you down to her level. So you could just think it as you ask her outright.

shouldistop · 11/10/2021 07:44

Why is your husband not telling his mum to stop being so horrible to his wife?
If she didn't stop then I'd stop seeing her.

ironorchids · 11/10/2021 07:44

Cut them off!

Summerfun54321 · 11/10/2021 07:45

Your MIL is a rude bully.

3scape · 11/10/2021 07:45

They wouldn't be spending anytime with me with shit like that.

Original poster
naggy095 · 11/10/2021 07:46

I’ve always been a bit of a wimp and not been very good at being assertive. Next time I will have to say something back because it does need to stop. I’m not sure why they keep asking for overnights even after I’ve declined so many times, and it’s FIL that keeps insisting.

The person asking where DP is when she says these things, funnily enough now that I think about it he’s never in the room!! Whenever I mention to him about what she says he always plays it off as she’s joking about.

Also about the childcare comment, we won’t be using them for childcare and even if they offered I wouldn’t take them up on it Hmm DD will be going to nursery.

OP posts:
Chakraleaf · 11/10/2021 07:46

I have just stopped seeing my in laws completely! I let my husband take the kids on his own so I don't have to have them in my life.

Pinkfrescias · 11/10/2021 07:48

Why would you want to spend time with them when they treat you like that? Next time she makes a comment like that just pick up your daughter and go. Tell them you don't have to put up with being spoken to like that.

It baffles me when people put up with such toxic behaviour from their in laws. Surely falling out with them and not having to see them would be preferable to dealing with their bullying. They will need you before you need them so be a bit more assertive and show your child that you don't roll over to bullies.

shouldistop · 11/10/2021 07:50

Next time she says something rude I'd just say "MIL id prefer it if you stop pretending you're talking to the baby in order to be rude to me"

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