To think once every 2 weeks is enough?

[naggy095]

Sorry it’s another PIL one…MIL does this passive aggressive thing of talking to 4mo DD in her baby voice about things that are directed towards me, e.g. “is your mummy anti-social? She is isn’t she!”. My favourite one so far “you’re much prettier than your mummy, aren’t you!”. 🙄

PILs have been going on since the day we got home from the hospital about looking after her overnight (no matter how many times I decline the requests keep coming), and the most recent comment to DD was “we can’t wait for you to sleep over, but you probably won’t know who we are because we don’t see you enough, do we”. We see PILs with DD at a minimum 1-2 times every 2 weeks, we spend a few hours with them each time. They see her more than anyone else on either side of the families.

AIBU to think at least once every 2 weeks is ‘enough’ for a grandchild to see their grandparents?

I think my son was about 4 years old before he stayed overnight with anyone other than DH and me! And I wasn't exclusively breast-feeding.

I agree that the FIL being so keen to have your dd overnight is a red flag.

I'm afraid I would probably reduce myself to her level and say something like yes and you are much prettier than your paternal grandmother too. But that probably wouldn't help . I've never had much of a relationship with my MIL as we had nothing in common, but she always took the view that her job was to raise her sons to adulthood and then it was their wives' job to worry about them, so she never interfered at all. My own mum interferes a lot more!

I've taken all of your comments on board. I will be having a chat with DP this evening to, again, tell him I don't appreciate the way his parents speak to me and that he needs to sort it out. Some of MILs family are going to be visiting her on the weekend and she has asked us to come so they can meet DD. We'll be going but if she starts making comments, especially in front of her family, I WILL say something back this time and then leave immediately after. I need to stop being a doormat.

My mum was similar but not the same as this.

She wanted a relationship with my dc that somehow bypassed me, and fulfilled some unmet needs of her own.

It's exhausting and depressing. Boundaries would be my only suggestion.

Your latest post sounds like a good idea. If you don't feel able to say something (and you might not in front of people you don't know), just leaving immediately would be fine.

Yes, you do need to stop being a doormat. The only way she will stop is if YOU tell her to. She sees you as someone she can bully. The best thing is to tell her in front of other people so it's a public conversation. If you can, quote things she has said to your dd such as the comment about her being 'prettier than her mother' - make it public. Then tell her it will stop. It's the only way, OP.

@WaterBottle123

If MIL spoke to me like that the number of times she saw my kids would be zero. In accepting that behaviour you're showing DD that bullying is ok.

Tell your partner no more visits until MIL learns to behave like a civilised human being

Agree

@Pinkfrescias

Why would you want to spend time with them when they treat you like that? Next time she makes a comment like that just pick up your daughter and go. Tell them you don't have to put up with being spoken to like that.

It baffles me when people put up with such toxic behaviour from their in laws. Surely falling out with them and not having to see them would be preferable to dealing with their bullying. They will need you before you need them so be a bit more assertive and show your child that you don't roll over to bullies.

Exactly this

My MIL would do this, I am laid back and would let it go until she directly attacked my parenting style ( I have the audacity to allow my child to fail on occasions) I let her know how toxic her parenting method had been for her boys. DH has terrible anxiety re failure and will refuse to do some things because of fear of failure or embarrassment. It’s too late for him to change his behaviour but DS now17 is more than happy to make a fool of himself and frequently pushes himself beyond his comfort zone.
An example of DH anxiety, we booked a meal in an upmarket restaurant, we sat down but he had a full on anxiety attack so we had to leave. His confidence is so affected by early influence. It’s all about not being embarrassed, it’s weird. I deliberately embarrass her when we go out now.

Once every 2 weeks is too much under these circumstances! She is bullying you through your daughter. As she gets older, she'll think it's ok to say nasty things to you when granny is there because that's what she's used to. She's teaching your daughter that bullying and nasty words are fine.

I'm flabbergasted that you put up with this! It would be a a loud "excuse me??" "How dare you!" from me when she pulls this shit and she wouldn't be seeing my kid again.

My mother used to do this to me as a kid. Slightly different circumstances. She doted on my toddler brother and used to hold him and say "who does mummy love? Yes, you. And who do we hate? Yes, her" and point at me. It was fucking abuse, and so is what your MIL in law doing to you.

I've been in this situation. My baby visits a couple of times a week with dad for a few hours now. I don't go much myself now as I can't be bothered with the passive aggressive and some just outright plain rude comments I get from MIL. Ignorance is bliss in my eyes, I'm sure she says things behind my back, hopefully not to DH but what I don't know won't hurt. MIL has always been outspoken and bossy but I've generally just put up with it, however when you have children things change! I will not let her dictate to me. There is no way I would let my baby stay overnight, if when she is older and she wants to that's fine but right now I have no need for overnight childcare and I like being with my baby. If that arrangement of every couple of weeks works for you and your lifestyle then that's fine OP, she is your baby and it's your life.

Wow they sound horrendous, I’d see them far less.

Must be a MIL thing with the passive aggressive talking through the baby. ‘Oh your feet are cold where are your socks!’ and constant ‘we’ve got to do something about these nails!’

Children should never be the stick used to beat parents or grandparents. It seems like both sides are doing this. MIL with her comments and OP with the threat to withhold the DGC from MIL.

I'd be tempted to tell her you've been reading online about abuse against children, and how it's usually from family members. Then add it's a bit of a red flag when family members insist on having the child overnight without the parents, because what are they wanting to do that they can't do in front of the parents? And you realise this is a warning sign to look out for.
Yeah, with her level of aggressive I'd use the big gun.

Just be ruthlessly polite and direct 'could you not speak to dd like that please' 'please speak directly to me if you have something to say' 'please respect our boundaries about dds care'. I would be especially wary of FIL pushing for the overnight. I wonder if he does it because MIL wants it so much and talks about it all the time, or they want to control. Either way its a flat no. If you can, try to be assertive and not leave straight away - you'll seem like you are creating drama then - but if it escalates then of course you can politely say 'I don't want to be spoken to like that so I am going to leave with dd now'.

Talk back to baby

"Well maybe daddy can pop by during tbe week" etc

Or when dh gets back in the room:

" Your mum was just saying she wants to see more of us. You're free sat morning, perhaps you can bring her over and mummy can have a nap!"

Kill with kindness.

Re the breastfeeding, invite them over and go up for a nap half the time and the other half find an urgent errand or have a headache. Go to the shops for milk, pick up something for tea, get stuck in traffic/have a coffee at costa.

Make it DPs problem and like magic it will get resolved.

Once every two weeks is plenty. They sound rude and annoying.

@RealBecca

Talk back to baby

"Well maybe daddy can pop by during tbe week" etc

Or when dh gets back in the room:

" Your mum was just saying she wants to see more of us. You're free sat morning, perhaps you can bring her over and mummy can have a nap!"

This is a good idea! They’re his parents after all

My mil used to do this weird talking to our first child in the baby voice but actually expecting me to answer as though I'm the baby. I stopped replying and just looked at her after a while, my mil just wouldn't directly speak to me. I had similar issues too with time spent with in laws, unfortunately when we had our first child we had a house renovation run over so the first couple of months we were staying with them. When we moved back into our own home they protested as they thought we'd spend every weekend with them. We never led them to believe we would see them so often!!! We went down to once a month, which resulted in my mil writing to me (8 A4 sides) to tell me I'm cruel and our son needed them. Utterly bizarre. When we told them we'd be having his first Christmas in our own home and not at theirs my mil wailed and shouted!!

Needless to say things got worse. We now have 3 children and they don't speak to me at all. They've seen our 6 month old once since she was born. If they hadn't been so awful particularly towards me they'd have a relationship with our children. What you describe here is exactly how it all started with us as time went on how they behaved towards me has got worse to the point we don't want anything to do with them. Thankfully my husband could see how awful they were being, pinning not wanting to see them all on me (my husband didn't want to either) but the nasty backlash was always directed at me.

Visiting every other weekend is more than enough, I think you are being very generous going that often.

If you invite them over you can also be halfway through a cleaning job upstaors when they arrive.

If they want more grandchild time then use it to your advantage. Ask them over and ask if they can watch her while you and dp go for a walk together or while you rest. They should enjoy that and you get a break.

Im not saying they arent crossing boundaries and being fucking annoying, but youre basically stuck with them and id try all of this as well as communicating to DP that they are pissing you off. And as annoying and rude as they are, and as off as it is for them to push sleepovers when you are uncomfortable, dont burn bridhes because in a few years it will be handy to have them (no doubt a whole load of other battles to fight though!)

Woah here I thought my MIL is a bit obnoxious. The worst I ever got from her was telling my husband he also should get himself a gift after birth of our daughter- after I told him we're getting me some nice shoes for all the pushing. I was livid!
If my PIL acted like yours they'd see me DD twice a YEAR if lucky. You should start using you own passive aggressive voice when talking to your daughter to communicate this clearly... see how your MIL likes it.

She sounds awful!

I agree - DP to speak to them first of all, but if this doesn’t work, much less contact.

My Mum does the talking through the children thing and it’s maddening - not in the same way but she’ll ask questions of them which she knows only I can answer in a really loud voice to try to get me involved - for instance if I’m working.

That’d be 1-2 times more than they’d see me or my DC If she spoke about me like that! Baby voice or not….

I’d be off!

OP,

She's a nasty bully.

And your partner is no better.

You say you are a wimp.

Is it because you have surrounded yourself by bullys?

Is that what you want for your daughter?

To grow up watching her mothet being bullied and her father standing by.

What an awful environment for a child.

I really don't understand how anyone accepts this.

You are accepting it from your FIL and MIL.

I cannot stress how unhealthy this environment is for a child.

You need to think long and hard about your decision to have a baby with this man.

Because it sounds as if the fact that he is an only child his mother can behave in any way she pleases, to the clear detriment of your daughter.

So your MIL is more important than your daughter?

Your MIL's need to bully and belittle you comes ahead of your daughters best interests?

As others have suggested.

Spell it out to your partner ONE LAST TIME TO SORT OUT.

If she says a word pick up your child and leave.
Ask her to leave your home.

This is deal breaker stuff.

If you care about your daughter, you will be prepared to tell your partner you will leave him BECAUSE of his mothers behaviour.

Take this seriously NOW and nip it firmly in the bud.

What sort of family do you have, that you would accept this behaviour in your home?

Dramatically reduce the time you and your child are in her company.

She has NO entitlement to see your child if she uses that time to bully and belittle you.

Good luck.

I would say "did you mean that to sound so rude?" Every time she says something rude, regardless of who she addresses it to. If you hear it, you challenge it.

Stop the derogatory comments now. Yo

The frequency is irrelevant. They sound like arseholes.

You'll need to put a stop to that. It'll get very confusing for your daughter when she is old enough to understand what they are saying.