To think once every 2 weeks is enough?

[naggy095]

Sorry it’s another PIL one…MIL does this passive aggressive thing of talking to 4mo DD in her baby voice about things that are directed towards me, e.g. “is your mummy anti-social? She is isn’t she!”. My favourite one so far “you’re much prettier than your mummy, aren’t you!”. 🙄

PILs have been going on since the day we got home from the hospital about looking after her overnight (no matter how many times I decline the requests keep coming), and the most recent comment to DD was “we can’t wait for you to sleep over, but you probably won’t know who we are because we don’t see you enough, do we”. We see PILs with DD at a minimum 1-2 times every 2 weeks, we spend a few hours with them each time. They see her more than anyone else on either side of the families.

AIBU to think at least once every 2 weeks is ‘enough’ for a grandchild to see their grandparents?

If MIL carries on like that then your DD will probably vote with her feet the minute she's old enough to understand that MIL is being horrible to you.

I generally have a very good relationship with my parents but since DM had a go at me while on a Facetime call with DD and I, that DD has lost interest in phoning them (even though I didn't say anything about my feelings on the matter to her).

Children don't like hearing negative things about their parents, and nor should they have to at a young age!

Wow! Next time she starts that shit in front of you, I'd lean over my child, tickle her tummy and say in a happy baby voice, "we'll be seeing a lot less of grandma if she carries on bad-mouthing mummy, won't we?!"

What an utter bitch...

@AwaAnBileYerHeid
I hope she did bile her heid, the horrible bastard

@QuizzlyBear

Wow! Next time she starts that shit in front of you, I'd lean over my child, tickle her tummy and say in a happy baby voice, "we'll be seeing a lot less of grandma if she carries on bad-mouthing mummy, won't we?!"

What an utter bitch...

THIS.

In general, overnights should only happen when you are happy though if you have genuinely heard your MIL say those things then no ON or unsupervised contact would be appropriate. If your DP heard her say “is your mummy anti-social? She is isn’t she!” and did nothing then they need a ballistic straightener ASAP and I would strongly judge him on his actions - no path of least resistance for them.

Once a fortnight is too frequent in my opinion based on what you said. I would visit the lovely members of my family more frequently than once a fortnight but would not privilege your PIL with more frequent visits than anyone else in your family unless your wider family are the Hitlers and you live in the 1930s..

@QuizzlyBear

Wow! Next time she starts that shit in front of you, I'd lean over my child, tickle her tummy and say in a happy baby voice, "we'll be seeing a lot less of grandma if she carries on bad-mouthing mummy, won't we?!"

What an utter bitch...

Yes! Please do this.

It's not using the baby as a bargaining chip to not want to have her exposed to passive-aggressive nastiness. The OP isn't dangling her DD as a carrot to get the PILs to dance to her tune.

The whole situation sounds bloody awful - you're on the receiving end of these horrible comments, and even your partner expects you to just take it, or even laugh it off.

I hate that "only joking" "can't you take a joke?" type of passive-aggression too. I always think that the way to recognise that something is a joke is if it's funny. If it ain't remotely funny, it's not a very good 'joke' is it? Would a stand-up comedian have it in their set and expect laughs? No. So it's not a joke is it.

How do you feel about some stock phrases to say back?

“Ooh grandma is so mean to mummy through you. I wonder if it’s dementia time? Ooooh!”

“You ARE pretty, and you were made by mummy so mummy can’t be too shabby. You ignore bullies like mummy told you to, remember sweetheart”

“What’s that? They think you don’t see them enough? Maybe mummy would visit more if they weren’t rude to her? Eh? What do you say baby?”

“Sleepovers? Oh my goodness tell grandad we’ll talk about that when you ask to sleepover! Won’t we? Yes we will!”

I also love @QuizzlyBear idea

This is toxic behaviour towards your child. There is no way I would allow anyone to treat my child like that, no matter who they were. They would not be seeing her at all.

Plenty. Mil is the same. She complains that she doesn't see enough yet it's always 'busy'. She also does the passive aggressive thing. Set boundaries now! Get your Dp to say something else she'll never stop it! We've got to the point mil is manageable now!

I would not ever leave my child overnight with this woman - ever, ever. She is a pernicious influence.

Her criticising you via the baby is beyond awful - when your child becomes aware of what is happening she will hate it, and I do not think you should ever allow her to be in this situation.

I was the child of parents who did this - it was dreadful, just dreadful.

I know it is very hard, but you must tackle this head on - preferably both of you. Just say "It is not acceptable for you to be criticising me via our baby - if you have something to say to me then say it."

I am so sorry that this dreadful woman is in your life - and I would not ever let her look after my child if I were you. God, it makes me cringe to read your posts.

We'll be going but if she starts making comments, especially in front of her family, I WILL say something back this time and then leave immediately after. I need to stop being a doormat.

I’m glad you’re going to stick up fir yourself. It will only get worse if you let it carry on.
Tell DH that you will leave if your MIL speaks to you again and also tell them them, I front of DH that your baby will not be staying overnight with them for the foreseeable and they must stop asking you.

Excuse typos!

You are seeing them more than enough - I would cut it down to maybe once a month, if that.

We see grandparents once every school holiday, that is more than enough. my DD still knows who they are.

My MIL tries with the I don't see her a lot bullshit, she even told people she had not seen her for over a year - it was 4 months and we were in lockdown and she was shielding ! I have put her straight on that one by giving her the date we had seen her and how long it had really been.

She also tries with the passive aggressive comments I just respond to her or laugh at her, she sometimes says it within DH's earshot but I tell him what she says either in front of her or as we are leaving, he will also answer her back

Do they sell baby clothing with 'Team Mummy' on?

I think @QuizzlyBear has the answer !

Eugh, if I were you they would never get her overnight, ever. But I have zero tolerance.

Luckily I'm not in your situation. Good luck, be firm (this is your family, she's had hers)

If they live near you like most gp's do where I live it wouldn't be considered anywhere near enough

I think your DP needs to let his mother know that niether of you are happy to leave DC in their care because her belittling behaviour means you can't trust her not to be undermining you. Her 'jokes' are hurtful, not funny, and totally unnecessary and no one should have to put up with that and laugh along. She needs to learn to respect you and your judgement before you can leave DC with them - because if she doesn't respect you, you and DP can't trust her to follow how you ask the child to be cared for. She sounds like exactly the sort of GP that will ignore your rules and boundaries - eg around sleeping, eating - or will go off and do 'first' experience with DC that you wanted to have and so on.

That’s not passive at all, it’s up front rude and insulting. Tell her face to face that you won’t tolerate it any longer and if it doesn’t stop right now she won’t be seeing your child at all.
Your husband must do the same.

Omg this was my mil to a T!!! That was how it all started very similar comments to baby with digs at me telling baby she looked like her!! baby was prettier than me just like your mil!!!
Calling to my house unannounced waltzing in I'm feeding baby in highchair and she talks to baby where's your coat I'm taking you to nannies house!!! she had only seen dd the day before she went into cupboard looking for her coat then when I said she wasn't taking her she called me a bitch told me to piss off ( which was a regular occurrence over the years) and slammed front door.
Told my dd there was no Santa when she was seven because dd was telling her how excited she was for Santa and what she wanted so mil spitefully said it's your mum there is no Santa! I was fuming dd was crying saying she didn't believe her and of course I was a bitch!!
Many , many similar stories I could tell you she made my life hell with her comments and took huge delight in pinching my belly after giving birth and telling me I was fat but it suited me with a roar of laughter.
She made me cry many times and dh just said ignore her!
I'll leave it there but she was a toxic bitch attacked me my family just poison and she started out like your mil , I don't have any advice but I wish I'd left dh rather than put up with the toxic years of mil.

We see both sets of grandparents at least once a week, and it was more when I was on mat leave as both grandmas are retired and so is my dad. If I get to two weeks without seeing them it feels like a long time. My parents recently went away for two weeks and it meant they didn't see us for nearly 3, when they got back DS was really grumpy and said to my mum 'you went away for a really long time', so it's normal in one family to have regular contact. They also respect me not wanting DS away overnight (I've recently relented for PIL but he's nearly 3 now) and whilst they want to have him for the weekend etc I've explained that being away from him while I work is enough and I want to be around him he isn't a burden to me, they were both SAHMs for the first few years ago when I compared it to that and never bring without their children so maybe seeing the bed for a break more they understood.
Having said all of that, none of them speak to me like that and if they did I'd be seeing them a lot less and so would DS.

We see MIL once or twice a week BUT she's not a cow so I don't mind.

You need to say something.
Please stop making rude comments.

Or better still, reply. In sing song voice oh pay no attention to granny, she's really rude isn't she? Oh yes she is. If we say rude things to each other in a baby voice while looking at you, we can pretend we aren't being horrible can't we? Oh yes we can

Fuck her.