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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think once every 2 weeks is enough?

508 replies

naggy095 · 11/10/2021 07:21

Sorry it’s another PIL one…MIL does this passive aggressive thing of talking to 4mo DD in her baby voice about things that are directed towards me, e.g. “is your mummy anti-social? She is isn’t she!”. My favourite one so far “you’re much prettier than your mummy, aren’t you!”. 🙄

PILs have been going on since the day we got home from the hospital about looking after her overnight (no matter how many times I decline the requests keep coming), and the most recent comment to DD was “we can’t wait for you to sleep over, but you probably won’t know who we are because we don’t see you enough, do we”. We see PILs with DD at a minimum 1-2 times every 2 weeks, we spend a few hours with them each time. They see her more than anyone else on either side of the families.

AIBU to think at least once every 2 weeks is ‘enough’ for a grandchild to see their grandparents?

OP posts:
3scape · 11/10/2021 07:51

Get the phone ready. Record her and use the adult challenges mentioned, "you seem to have something you want to say mil?"
That's if you want to deal with her. Personally I'd assume my partner would believe me (wtf wouldn't they?!) take a break from visiting until a larger gathering (someone's birthday) so there would be more people around. Basically cut her out from getting to be close family, that has access in that way.

Original poster
naggy095 · 11/10/2021 07:53

@Pinkfrescias

Why would you want to spend time with them when they treat you like that? Next time she makes a comment like that just pick up your daughter and go. Tell them you don't have to put up with being spoken to like that.

It baffles me when people put up with such toxic behaviour from their in laws. Surely falling out with them and not having to see them would be preferable to dealing with their bullying. They will need you before you need them so be a bit more assertive and show your child that you don't roll over to bullies.

I don’t want to spend time with them, to be honest. But DP is an only child and his parents are the only family he has (other than myself and DD) so of course he wants to spend time with them. There have been times where he has taken DD to theirs without me and I prefer that obviously but DD is still exclusively breastfed so it doesn’t happen often.
OP posts:
BingBongToTheMoon · 11/10/2021 07:53

She’d be told to stop it and if she didn’t I wouldn’t be back near her.

Standrewsschool · 11/10/2021 07:55

My dc only saw their grandparents 2-3 times a year, as they didn’t live locally. They still knew who they were.

Don’t do anything you feel unhappy about, and good decesion about using nursery.

GoodnightGrandma · 11/10/2021 07:55

My god, she’s a real bitch isn’t she !
If I were you I’d go NC and send DH to theirs with baby, and being EBF means she won’t be there very long 🤣

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 11/10/2021 07:55

You’re very generous giving this much time to such rude people!

RainyDayzs · 11/10/2021 07:56

HOW have you not snapped?!
They sound horrendous

Whydidimarryhim · 11/10/2021 07:57

I’d reduce it for yourself to once a month.
I would let Partner take the baby on his own as goodness knows what she will be saying to her when you aren’t there.

Just10moreminutesplease · 11/10/2021 07:58

They see her far more often than they would if they were my in-laws… rude buggers!

What do you say when she says rude things about you to your daughter?

starfish4 · 11/10/2021 07:58

I wouldn't want to see someone who treats me like that. This needs to be dealt with before DD understands as it could have a negative impact on how she feels about you.

Ideally, your DH would speak to them, if not, I'd be doing it myself before I hit the rough/or had a melt down. The choice is she reins it in, if not, she doesn't get to see you and DD.

GetDrunkWithMe · 11/10/2021 07:59

Mine sees mine every. Single. Day. Without fail. 🤦🏻‍♀️ The other day they moaned we was boring because we had nothing to talk about... then don't come round every bloody day then! I don't even talk to my own DPs every day!
YANBU.

AChickenCalledDaal · 11/10/2021 08:00

When my eldest was a baby we saw one set of grandparents two or three times a year at most (due to distance). Yes, there were issues with re-establishing their relationship each time, because DD1 didn't recognise them. However, it had no long term impact whatsoever on their long term bond. In fact, DD1 is now 19 and voluntarily spent an hour on Zoom this weekend with said grandparents, happily chatting about life at university.

That said, I think you have bigger issues with your PIL than how often you see them.

NoSquirrels · 11/10/2021 08:02

How awful. As everyone else says, tackle it head on.

MIL, that sounded really rude!

FIL, I’m not comfortable with overnight stays so please stop mentioning it.

If they kick off, then you need your DP to back you up immediately.

AllyBama · 11/10/2021 08:02

Your DP being an only child doesn’t give them a license to be arseholes to you. They continue to do it to you because you’re tolerating it. As PP said, as soon as they come out with something like that again I would immediately get up, take DD from them and leave. On your way out say that their behaviour is unacceptable and until you receive an apology then neither of you will be coming around anymore. If your DP has half a brain, he’ll see what they’re like abs back you up.

YourFinestPantaloons · 11/10/2021 08:04

I cannot stand PA people. If so rather someone just be direct with me.

At this rate, and if it were me, they'd be bloody lucky to see her as often as once a fortnight. No way would I be letting them watch my baby overnight

Lavender24 · 11/10/2021 08:04

My MIL was EXACTLY like this. "OH maybe one day you can stay overnight at Grandma's if Mummy will let you. Oh I'd love to take you into work but I'd have to prise you off your mummy first. Maybe we could lock her in a cupboard". After a while I couldn't tolerate her behaviour (there was a lot of other stuff too) anymore and we had a big argument over text. She refused to come over and have an adult conversation with me so she now hasn't seen DD for three years. I agree with PPs who say you need to ask her if she bas something to say. I used to be a wimp too but being assertive gets easier the more you do it.

GinIronic · 11/10/2021 08:05

I see my grandchildren most weeks for an hour or so - that is lovely and it’s enough contact for us. The idea of looking after a baby overnight fills me with horror. I’ve done that with my DC and I didn’t enjoy it then so why would I want the responsibility now?

Sexnotgender · 11/10/2021 08:06

It’s plenty. Especially when they’re rude arseholes.

FIL pushing for overnight alone time would ping my alerts to be honest.

amb1979 · 11/10/2021 08:06

Hi, sorry this is happening.

As someone who is not confrontational but who has experienced this and more for 12 years I definitely advise that you step out of your comfort zone and tell them you don't appreciate the things they are saying to your daughter and if there's an issue to speak outright to you. Either that or sit and stroke your husband and say "are your mummy and daddy total &rsrholes"! The amount of times I've been insulted and rather than upset her, just avoid her. I've changed in recent months and tell her straight now and she is so much better for it.

I do totally get why grandparents want their grandchildren overnight. My MIL has never been interested in the kids. And my parents are no longer here. However I feel that if MIL was more interested in others than herself we could have had a night away every six months and quality relaxation time.

X

Spudina · 11/10/2021 08:06

I agree with the pp who said to record her. But actually you shouldn’t have to do that to get you your husband to believe you. Sit him down, tell him how strongly you feel about it. Then start standing up for yourself. She is rude to you in your own home, she gets no access.

YouTubeAddict · 11/10/2021 08:07

Four months is a bit early I agree. DS didn’t stay overnight with anyone until he was 6 months and then it was a one off for a special meal. It didn’t become a ‘thing’ properly until he was about three as he just loved his bath/story/snuggle routine with me too much 💗 Maybe you’ll consider it in the future?

C8H10N4O2 · 11/10/2021 08:07

MIL does this passive aggressive thing of talking to 4mo DD in her baby voice about things that are directed towards me, e.g. “is your mummy anti-social? She is isn’t she!”

You also say you are not assertive.

Address her by name, look her in the eye and ask her why she feels the need to make negative comments about you to your baby in your hearing. Straight out. Practice it in front of the mirror out loud a few times before the occasion arises.

Then wait for her response. Whatever the response tell her you find it hurtful and childish and you want her to stop doing it. Practice saying that out loud as well.
Then if she doesn't stop doing it cut down the time you spend together. Life is to short to spend it bending double to accommodate this nonsense.

Its perfectly polite and if you are not used to stating what you want it won't be easy, but you have a baby - not being assertive is a luxury most mothers can't have so practice now!

brittleheadgirl · 11/10/2021 08:07

@Immaculatemisconception

What has someone being incredibly rude to op got to do with childcare?

My friend used to pick my dc up from school once a week, would it have been ok for her to be unpleasant and say hurtful things to me?

Nope, thought not.

MeridianB · 11/10/2021 08:08

I don’t know how you’ve stayed so calm, OP. This is horrirble.

Totally agree with @Lostmarbles2021 about picking her up in it every single time with a calm but firm “Are you trying to say something to me?”

And agree with PPs about telling them to stop asking about overnights. Tell them you’ll let them know when you’re both ready for that.

And you know that if that’s in eight weeks or eight years from now, that’s fine.

Be prepared for MIL to start making snide comments about breast feeding. How bottles didn’t do her son any harm etc. She will see it as a hurdle to overcome to fast-track the overnights.

Stay strong!

londonrach · 11/10/2021 08:09

It's alot...my in-laws see DD about every 2 weeks as they drive and see us .my parents about every month to two as we have to drive to them...growing up I saw grandparents twice a year when my parents made the long trip up north...I knew them...talking that way...talk to dp about their vvvv strange behaviour