To think once every 2 weeks is enough?

[naggy095]

Sorry it’s another PIL one…MIL does this passive aggressive thing of talking to 4mo DD in her baby voice about things that are directed towards me, e.g. “is your mummy anti-social? She is isn’t she!”. My favourite one so far “you’re much prettier than your mummy, aren’t you!”. 🙄

PILs have been going on since the day we got home from the hospital about looking after her overnight (no matter how many times I decline the requests keep coming), and the most recent comment to DD was “we can’t wait for you to sleep over, but you probably won’t know who we are because we don’t see you enough, do we”. We see PILs with DD at a minimum 1-2 times every 2 weeks, we spend a few hours with them each time. They see her more than anyone else on either side of the families.

AIBU to think at least once every 2 weeks is ‘enough’ for a grandchild to see their grandparents?

I don't think you need to come up with any "come backs" or stoop to her level. "Please stop doing that, it's rude." should suffice.

"If MIL carries on like that then your DD will probably vote with her feet the minute she's old enough to understand that MIL is being horrible to you."

Exactly what happened when my DS was old enough. He refused to visit MIL, saying he didn't like Granny saying things. It was years later that my SIL told me about the horrible things she'd been saying about me when I wasn't there.
When SIL challenged her at the time, MIL had said "Oh, he's not old enough to understand."
He did understand and he didn't like it. No child likes to hear their mother being talked against.

And as for the baby voice thing, with passive aggressive criticisms, I’d be tempted to do a baby voice too and say something along the lines of “Ooh Granny is too scared to talk to Mummy in a normal adult voice today” and embarrass the sh*t out of her.

@Immaculatemisconception

Threads like this remind me of other PIL threads, where posters are moaning about grandparents not doing enough free child care.

Sorry, I dont see the connection? Seems to me to be clearly two separate situations....?

Excellent suggestion @QuizzlyBear, preferably in front of your partner.

You do not have to accept such rudeness OP.

@Brefugee

I'd go one of two ways because i don't put up with passive aggressive shit from anyone. (i also didn't like my MIL and while i wasn't outright rude, i never put up with her bullshit either.)

either
a) when she does the "you're prettier than your mummy" turn to DH and go "your so much nicer than your mummy, yes you are!" and so on, in the same tone of voice

b) Get up, get your DC and leave. Every time

I would hugely enjoy a, but b is better.

This.

She sounds like hard work. You've been more than generous with seeing her/them. I wouldn't want her around my baby. She sounds toxic.

@QuizzlyBear

Wow! Next time she starts that shit in front of you, I'd lean over my child, tickle her tummy and say in a happy baby voice, "we'll be seeing a lot less of grandma if she carries on bad-mouthing mummy, won't we?!"

What an utter bitch...

And this.

You’ll need to mean it too.

Your baby doesn’t need to hear that and if MIL persists in being a shit, she can be dealt with like shit.

Tell them to fuck off before you don't visit at all if she wants to be a snidely old cow with her sly comments.

Also, you don't have to give your child over for a 'sleep over'. My DS is 2 and I won't let him sleep elsewhere. He doesn't need to 🤷🏻‍♀️

Be passive aggressive back. "What's the DD, you wouldn't like to stay over with granny because she speaks so rudley about your mummy? Aw don't you worry, she won't be allowed to look after you until she can speak to you in a more age-appropriate way and is more respectful towards your mummy."

Although probably speaking to her directly is the more mature way to go 😆

@AwaAnBileYerHeid

Once every 2 weeks is too much under these circumstances! She is bullying you through your daughter. As she gets older, she'll think it's ok to say nasty things to you when granny is there because that's what she's used to. She's teaching your daughter that bullying and nasty words are fine.

I'm flabbergasted that you put up with this! It would be a a loud "excuse me??" "How dare you!" from me when she pulls this shit and she wouldn't be seeing my kid again.

My mother used to do this to me as a kid. Slightly different circumstances. She doted on my toddler brother and used to hold him and say "who does mummy love? Yes, you. And who do we hate? Yes, her" and point at me. It was fucking abuse, and so is what your MIL in law doing to you.

OMG, hope your NC with your mother or the witch is dead. How could you say you hate your child. Unbelievable and so cruel 😥

FIL pushing to be alone with my daughter over night would make me very wary. Id certainly never let her out of my sight around him. Even sending DH alone with her would be out of the question.

Yeah I would not be going anywhere near her. EVER.

Yanbu she is vile.

Why not talk to your DD in the same way in MILs presence? eg "isn't Granny in a silly mood today!". "Who does Granny think she is speaking like that when she's a guest" etc.

😮 We see my DM every week and DIL 2-3 times a week! Can't imagine only seeing them 1 time in 2 weeks! Makes me sad that some in laws are like this!

You’ve had loads of good advice.

You need to remember that no one has a right to see your child. Especially if they’re horrible, rude, disrespectful and intentionally hurtful. Which is what she’s doing.

If your DP won’t start backing you up he’s got some unpleasant decisions ahead of him.

I hope it helps you feel validated that so many people are appalled by her behaviour.

You’re putting a swift stop to it not just for yourself, though that matters hugely, but for your daughter. You’re her world. Only people who love and support you should be around her.

I expect you’re not feeding poison into your grandchild’s ears though or disrespecting your DIL so obnoxiously.

Above to @Mommabear20

Vile cow. It is hard, I know, and you don't expect to have to deal with this shit in adults but you must stand up to her. I'd just say "Please stop doing that, talking to the baby about me like that. It's very rude." She'll be shocked that you've found your voice & hopefully that'll be the end of it. If it starts a row with her, stay calm, breathe deeply & repeat "Talking to the baby about me in that way is very rude & childish. If there's something you want to say to me, just say it TO me".
Sorry you have to deal with this, she is a nasty piece of work.

Sounds like hell!

Would it help to give a clear time frame e.g. “we won’t be leaving her overnight with anyone until x months/years”

We see DHs in-laws (with baby) 2-3 times a we even then DD is still getting used to who they are and learning to be happy around them so increasing the frequency of visits won’t make a difference in my opinion as it’s more to do with babies age and level of development. She was about similar with my DF the other day and it’s only the second time they have met since she was born.

I would also try and stamp out the thing about criticising you do the baby. That’s awful and will become confusing for DD.

There are so many stories on MN of MIL's demanding overnights with their very young grandchildren. I think that if they're controlling they are trying to reassert their role as the parent. Once their children have a child, they become parents too, which threatens their status. It gives their children a status equivalent to their own, which they dislike.

I've never encountered this personally, thank goodness.

I mean; some people’s grandparents could be crack addicts. Should they see their grandchildren more often because as a society we all need to feel guilty about the ones who are willing to do free child care?!

@MissConductUS

There are so many stories on MN of MIL's demanding overnights with their very young grandchildren. I think that if they're controlling they are trying to reassert their role as the parent. Once their children have a child, they become parents too, which threatens their status. It gives their children a status equivalent to their own, which they dislike.

I've never encountered this personally, thank goodness.

Yes I agree. It’s absolutely about asserting dominance as top dog.

I’d missed the bit about demanding overnights. It wouldn’t happen with my child.

'You're much prettier than your mum, aren't you?'
'Fuck off.'

Nip this crap in the bud, OP! Your MIL is disgustingly rude and disrespectful. I can’t believe all these people talking about killing her with kindness or leaving your DD with her while you go out! She sounds insane - and very, very nasty.

I’d be cutting the visits right down and if she asks why, tell her. I’d also tell her that every time she or FIL pushes for overnights, I’d be adding 5 years onto the age at which I’d allow it. Rude, demanding people! I just don’t get PILs who do this. My ex-PILs never mentioned overnights and neither did my parents.

If she does this again, take your baby from her, walk out and go home.