To think once every 2 weeks is enough?

[naggy095]

Sorry it’s another PIL one…MIL does this passive aggressive thing of talking to 4mo DD in her baby voice about things that are directed towards me, e.g. “is your mummy anti-social? She is isn’t she!”. My favourite one so far “you’re much prettier than your mummy, aren’t you!”. 🙄

PILs have been going on since the day we got home from the hospital about looking after her overnight (no matter how many times I decline the requests keep coming), and the most recent comment to DD was “we can’t wait for you to sleep over, but you probably won’t know who we are because we don’t see you enough, do we”. We see PILs with DD at a minimum 1-2 times every 2 weeks, we spend a few hours with them each time. They see her more than anyone else on either side of the families.

AIBU to think at least once every 2 weeks is ‘enough’ for a grandchild to see their grandparents?

@ReturntoSpamfritters we're only renting at the moment and we've already signed the new tenancy agreement for the new house. At the moment we're a 20 minute drive from PILs and we'll still be 20 mins from them in our new place. My DM lives in another country of the UK so I can't move to her, and my DF actually lives only a few streets away! All the rest of my family already live nearby. It's just they respect boundaries enough to not constantly bother me.

But if DP and I were to split none of my family have the room to accommodate DD and I. DP will be able to move back to his parents but I can't afford the rent alone of our new place so I'm fucked.

If you love your DP and think you have a future with him, then I agree with what @Drinkingallthewine has suggested. Get him to pack a bag (if he refuses, do it for him) and tell him that based on what he has said to you, he needs to move out, you don't really care where but knowing him it'll probably be returning home to mummy, and have a long hard think about what he said to you. You are taking this as a make or break moment in your relationship.
He has to decide to either join with you and become your partner, or return to mummy and stay a adultchild for the rest of his life. He would prefer to have his wife and partner pissed off at him than his mother. He'd prefer to have you all sit around a table and everyone have a go at @naggy095 instead of stepping up and having a mature conversation with his parents about what is and is not acceptable conversation and behaviour where his family is concerned. He still sees his mum and dad as his family, you and your DD are not it yet in his mind.

Best of luck with it @naggy095.

@NoSquirrels

OP, I would start a new thread in Relationships. This isn’t a situation that will have a quick fix, and it’s not your DH being deliberately difficult - as you’ve seen from your reading the FOG is real and he just hasn’t had that realisation yet. If you push too hard at ‘your parents are awful’ he’ll feel obliged to defend them. In the meantime you need to strengthen your boundaries and become OK with saying ‘No’ directly to MIL. Who cares if she hates you for doing so? Remain reasonable but firm. It’s stressful and you have a young baby so he kind to yourself and DP where you can.

PS the room decoration thing is absolutely bloody awful!

I agree 100% with this.

I also agree with @Drinkingallthewine idea about telling him to pack a bag and spend some time away to think about what he has said to you. It will more than likely scare him enough to realise what he has said and letting his parents treat you the way they have is unacceptable.

You and your DD are his family and he should be standing up to them and supporting you. If my DP didn’t stand up for me (and himself) or get the counselling I do wonder if our relationship would have survived.

I can imagine how hurt you must feel right now but you need to make it clear to both DH and PIL that you won’t stand for being bullied or disrespected. I truly hope things get better for you OP

@NoSquirrels

OP, I would start a new thread in Relationships. This isn’t a situation that will have a quick fix, and it’s not your DH being deliberately difficult - as you’ve seen from your reading the FOG is real and he just hasn’t had that realisation yet. If you push too hard at ‘your parents are awful’ he’ll feel obliged to defend them. In the meantime you need to strengthen your boundaries and become OK with saying ‘No’ directly to MIL. Who cares if she hates you for doing so? Remain reasonable but firm. It’s stressful and you have a young baby so he kind to yourself and DP where you can.

PS the room decoration thing is absolutely bloody awful!

I agree with this.

I'm not really surpised by his reaction to your talk at all.

I think telling him to pack a bag and leave so he ends up at his parents having them pour poision in his ear could easily be a death knell for the entire relationship rather than a chance for him to re-evaluate.

I agree with InferiorCatSlave, MIL would make the most of the situation to drive a wedge between you, and she would bring it up constantly.
Create as much space as you can between you and PIL, you said even DP didn't talk much with them before you had your DD. So keep them at a distance as much as possible while you sort things out.

Yea, OP they are going to cause as much havoc as you allow.

You have NOTHING to lose by being an absolute rude to them and displaying zero tolerance.

Being utterly screwed financially now that you have a child is not a good place to be.

Start squirreling away money, just incase you need it.

Keep them at a distance and have a think about it. Let your DP deal with them, which means it won't be dealt with. Just keep saying no it doesn't suit and let your DP make his move. Do what's best for you.

So DP isn't working on the weekend anymore, he must have told MIL as he's asked me if he can take DD to hers tomorrow morning as she's asked him to take her to meet her family. I said no. I myself haven't even met these family members so she doesn't give a flying fuck about me. No way am I allowing him to take her without me going. I told him to respond back "no, that doesn't work with our plans.", hopefully he actually does.

How do I ask DP about going to counselling together when he's already rejected the idea? I think he would really benefit from it

I think you need to focus on YOU and getting stronger.

When you are stronger in YOUR life, life will become easier.

Focus on yourself.

If you were stronger, your MIL would have been firmly kicked to touch.

As you get stronger, you will gain extra clarity.

Things will follow from that.

Your mama-bear instincts are kicking in, you just need to hone them. My mil was wild coming up to our wedding, DH had to tell her to stop, and when I was pregnant with DD she was all over me. She cut her hours at work to help with our childcare (I didn't want this, and she didn't ask, she stated) but as time went on, she enjoyed her free time and childcare was never mentioned again, good job we weren't counting on her. When I lost my mum, she hotfooted it out of the country, didn't come to the funeral and wasn't here for us when we'd really have appreciated a spare hand with a toddler. That's her right. I distanced myself from the whole crazy family, I'm polite, sociable, turn up for events, host events, but they're not MY family, and I had made the mistake of thinking I had married into it. DH takes DD to see her, and if DD doesn't want to go, she doesn't have to. She knows her granny isn't the same as my dad, her grandad, he wants to pick her up from school, give her dinner, there's only fun with grandad. This isn't the same as your situation, but I wanted to say that kids have a brilliant sense of who is there for them, who they're safe with, who they trust. BF is your friend here, when I went back to work at 11 months, DD was still bf 16-20 times a day. I expressed for my parents so they could take her, but once mil realised that she couldn't play dollies with our child, she dropped us like a stone. These madly obsessive ones will burn furiously for a while and then it peters out, and your husband is testimony to this. Be yourself, trust your instincts, be polite, take no shit, and her interest will wain. Don't let it come between you and DP, this first year is hard enough, be a team, get through it, this too shall pass xx

OP you are doing really well. I would not let dd see the PILS unless you are there too and leave immediately if MIL starts any nonsense. You cannot trust them with your dd and, sadly, I don't think you can trust your DP to stand up to them at the moment.

But continue doing what you're doing. Make plans with your dd and try to stretch out the time between visits. Your DP will get used to this and see that nothing bad happens. Just try to focus on the three of you and some fun things to do. Take her swimming together, go for walks, carve a pumpkin , bake something together - all the things you can do as a family to build bonds and relax into it. Things will get better.

My DH at one point would not back me with his family.... It wasnt as serious as this . BUT it was annoying me... I simply told him streight next time DSIL makes this comment im going to blow and im going to say X,Y,Z ..... She made the comment..... I had my back to her and to DH.... He was close by and saw my entire body go rigid.... He stepped in and said oh leave her be.... and made it clear she wasnt to comment on this in future. She did stop and the warning was enough for any other issues with any other family his side or mine in future..... Im usually a forceful person anyway so he knew i would have said X,Y,Z.... I was particularly vulnerable after i had my baby so i wasnt standing up for myself the way i usually did.... But i had reached my limit and was about to blow. DH had issues with my family too so we worked that out too.... Unfortunatly i lost touch with a lot of my family by doing so. My family is now getting closer again but there are boundaries that i know not to allow to be crossed. We have a healthy happy marriage now and it is my priority.

I would suggest something along these lines: MIL says something nasty to baby YOU to BABY 'Is that nasty MIL saying nasty things about your lovely Mummy again' Never mind my little sweetheart stupid MIL doesn't realise I'm counting all the nasty things she says and I'm adding a day to the time between visits for every one of them. Isn't she a silly MIL.

I think it's time to bring out your own baby voice. Talk to your daughter and day "is nanny going on again?" Or nanny is being so dramatic, mummy just has other people apart from nanny to see. If this is the only way she knows to communicate rather than actually talking to you then use the only language she understands to make your point.

@naggy095 I had exactly this with my DD 15 years ago. She would talk to DD while making comments about me, would have her for short periods of time and take her clothes, wash them and keep them until they were too small, would make a point of buying her cheap things knowing that I already had bought them, then saying that it's all she can afford because I took her son away and would bad mouth me to anybody that would listen. It came to a head just after DD first birthday when I exploded and told exMIL exactly what I thought. She would always put on the crocodile tears and twist the truth. My DP at the time never stood up for me or stepped in, was so consumed with making sure his mum was OK that he didn't think about me. I always said to DP and MIL that when DD was older I would not ever lie to her so they need to be careful about the way they treat people. My DD is now 15, I split with her dad not long after the explosion with his mum. My DD hates her grandma now because as DD got older, exMIL would say negative things about me and DD saw that she was a toxic person, she told me she didn't like her and I told her exactly how awful life was when she was a baby. exMIL would tell DD off for how she wore her hair because it made her look like me, would have her sleep over and then force her to wear MIL clothes for bed, the list is endless. You reap what you sow. You need to either put your foot down and set a boundary ASAP or get out. It is a toxic soup when you do not have your DP on your side, and from experience, setting the boundary leads to more drama and truth twisting. Speaking to exDP now he wishes he had been on my side more and sees how awful the situation was.

Nip it in the bud. Ask them to speak to you and leave the child out of it. You're being too tolerant and they will push the boundaries. Give them reasons for your decisions and but don't justify them
Show them how to respect you ❤

I think you need to sneakily record this on your phone so your husband can hear how bad it is. Then I am afraid it is ultimatum time. Husband has to support you. Point out how damaging to your child it will be when she starts to understand

If you have your MiL's number, based on the latest update, I would have sent her a message saying "Hi MiL, You don't seem to be grasping that we have told you that DH and I have plans this weekend so we will not be visiting. While our plans might not match up with your plans, they are our plans and are not up for further discussion. Please stop making this more difficult than it really needs to be. We will be in touch again when we are next available for a visit. Pass on our regards to FiL, all the best, naggy095"
Or something to that effect.

Your DH is clearly not stepping up to the plate here because he is putting his mother ahead of you and your DD so you need to do this.

She might go ballistic but let her. You remain calm, measured and not up for any further discussion about this.

I do hope your weekend has gone well.

One thing - why was your DH able to rejig his plans and not be in work this weekend? Was it down to his mother pestering him or were there other reasons such as the work got rescheduled/cancelled?

@LookItsMeAgain I have had a lovely weekend with my own family. DP’s work got rescheduled to next weekend, he went out for dinner with his parents and the visiting family members last night. They were annoyed they didn’t get to see DD as DP said they came to visit specifically to meet DD… I said tough, if they visited to meet DD this should have been arranged with us and not just by them and then assume we’ll drop whatever plans we have just to do what they wanted. But he apparently also had a conversation with MIL about the comments to DD and being overbearing. According to DP she didn’t remember what she said (about the stupid comments to DD) but apologised if they came across rude and didn’t mean them that way and that she’ll stop doing it. She also said don’t mention anything to FIL about us asking them to stop the rude comments because he’ll get angry. Excuse me?? We’re not allowed to tell him when he’s being a dick because he won’t like it ? I can’t stand the entitlement.

I hope MIL sticks by her word and doesn’t make any more comments. I see FIL just me and DD on Tuesday as we’re doing something with our new house and he is going to be there as well as he is doing something for the current owners at the same time. So that’ll be interesting. I’m going to wear DD in a carrier, hopefully he won’t try to snatch her from it 😂 he’s always trying to take her out of my arms when I hold her so hoping the carrier will put a stop to that.

What a shower OP.

Don't tell FIL not to make rude coments or to mention her rude comments.

What a shower.

I think OP you need to up the amount of visits to your family noticeably.

Definitely anytime your husband is even working one day, head off and do your own thing.

Minimise your time around these people and keep telling your husband you are going to your family.

Hopefully that will also help to drum home to him that you will not tolerate his family treating you poorly.

The more you stand up tonthem, the stronger you will feel and will become.

I’ve been following this whole thread and you’re being so strong, OP. We’re with you!

Hi Naggy, glad you had a nice weekend. Keep making alternative arrangements and always have at least one excuse/reason for being busy/friend to visit lined up, so you don't get caught on the hop. The CF of the visiting relatives and your MIL to assume you'll be at their beck and call, is breathtaking.

"I don't remember saying anything/ I'm sorry if Naggy was upset/ I didn't mean anything by it" sounds like gaslighting to me. She'll be saying "Naggy is oversensitive" next . "Oh she always takes everything the wrong way" ...

Kudos to your DP for even mentioning it though.

A carrier or a sling is a great idea. Also if FIL tries taking your baby off you, taser him, he'll soon learn.

Your daughter is going to understand that crap one day so you need to say something now! Don’t let it continue.