To think once every 2 weeks is enough?

[naggy095]

Sorry it’s another PIL one…MIL does this passive aggressive thing of talking to 4mo DD in her baby voice about things that are directed towards me, e.g. “is your mummy anti-social? She is isn’t she!”. My favourite one so far “you’re much prettier than your mummy, aren’t you!”. 🙄

PILs have been going on since the day we got home from the hospital about looking after her overnight (no matter how many times I decline the requests keep coming), and the most recent comment to DD was “we can’t wait for you to sleep over, but you probably won’t know who we are because we don’t see you enough, do we”. We see PILs with DD at a minimum 1-2 times every 2 weeks, we spend a few hours with them each time. They see her more than anyone else on either side of the families.

AIBU to think at least once every 2 weeks is ‘enough’ for a grandchild to see their grandparents?

@C8H10N4O2

MIL does this passive aggressive thing of talking to 4mo DD in her baby voice about things that are directed towards me, e.g. “is your mummy anti-social? She is isn’t she!”

You also say you are not assertive.

Address her by name, look her in the eye and ask her why she feels the need to make negative comments about you to your baby in your hearing. Straight out. Practice it in front of the mirror out loud a few times before the occasion arises.

Then wait for her response. Whatever the response tell her you find it hurtful and childish and you want her to stop doing it. Practice saying that out loud as well.
Then if she doesn't stop doing it cut down the time you spend together. Life is to short to spend it bending double to accommodate this nonsense.

Its perfectly polite and if you are not used to stating what you want it won't be easy, but you have a baby - not being assertive is a luxury most mothers can't have so practice now!

I like this approach.

You can do it, OP.

@3scape

Get the phone ready. Record her and use the adult challenges mentioned, "you seem to have something you want to say mil?" That's if you want to deal with her. Personally I'd assume my partner would believe me (wtf wouldn't they?!) take a break from visiting until a larger gathering (someone's birthday) so there would be more people around. Basically cut her out from getting to be close family, that has access in that way.

+1. You should not have to record her in order that your partner believes you. But drastic situations call for drastic measures. Call a halt to this now. It won't get any better.

I'd go one of two ways because i don't put up with passive aggressive shit from anyone. (i also didn't like my MIL and while i wasn't outright rude, i never put up with her bullshit either.)

either
a) when she does the "you're prettier than your mummy" turn to DH and go "your so much nicer than your mummy, yes you are!" and so on, in the same tone of voice

b) Get up, get your DC and leave. Every time

I would hugely enjoy a, but b is better.

“I’m only joking” is the standard response of bullies when called out.

“I don’t find your jokes funny so stop it. You dress your jokes as personal digs and I don’t like it”

No please or sorry. Dead look straight in the eye and clear command in stern voice

Tbh they are bullies and I’m not sur I’d want to leave my child with them anyway.
Who knows what they would tell her when you are not around!

WOW. I was reading this. That isn't even passive aggression, it's explicit in-your-face hostility and rudeness. Fuck me. If someone was saying stuff like this to my DC I would be re-evaluating whether they would be having ANY access to me or my children. That is messed up OP.

Honestly, the pushing for overnights with such a young baby is very odd. You really need to push back hard on that one and make it clear it’s not going to happen. As a PP said it’s a bit of a red flag that the pressure for this is coming from your FIL.

I get that it’s hard to stand up to people but you’ll need to take a deep breath and put some boundaries in place to protect yourself and your DD. Thank goodness the decision about nursery has already been made.

I think I'd play mil at her own game , in baby voice to baby , thank God you look like me not mil. You see too much of this passive aggressive shit will wear you down . No need for sleep overs and I'd limit my visits .what does your dh say or is it out of his earshot

I’m sorry I’d find it so hard not to reply in a similar baby voice ‘oh and if we keep saying things like this to baby we won’t be able to see you at all and wouldn’t that be a shame! We like positivity don’t we baby not passive aggressive comments’

Honestly she sounds like an utter arsehole and I’m surprised you put up with it as much as you do!

So your PIL are very careful to nit make those comments in front of your DH.
And your DH will t’s ut his parents above you (see the ‘oh they are only joking’).

You are a DH problem there.
You’ll have to tackle that one first and find your assertivity with your own DH if you want to be able to deal with PIL

She sounds like a bit of a coward though to make the comments in this way so I bet she’d be really shocked and lost for words if you called her out.

And not that you should use your child as a bargaining chip but if they want to be part of their grandchild’s live they really do need to sort their behaviour out otherwise they’re spoiling it for themselves.

Honestly well done for not snapping so far, you must be so patient!!! X

Without sounding like a bitch, OP, you have the power here. She only has your DP. He obviously wants a relationship with her which is absolutely fine, however her relationship with your DD is entirely down to you at this stage as she's BF.
You don't need to have a relationship with her at all if you don't want to, at most you have to be seen to be civil around your DD. Next time she says something and you're there, say something back.
"You're much prettier than mummy" "wow, MIL, that's not very nice!"
"Is your mummy antisocial"
"Just selective! I spend time with those who value me first and foremost"
"We don't see you enough"
"Well if you ask nicely to see her more and don't make digs about me, you can see her more"

You don't have to be confrontational, angry or heated, just say things very matter of factly.

FFS, the posting from the app and all my paragraphs have gone

I would wait till your MIL's there and adopt the same attitude for effect.

Put on a baby voice and say to your baby 'I wonder why Granny keeps telling you the things that she wants me to hear' .

That should either shut her up or get her talking to you.

If someone was talking to my baby like that they wouldn’t be seeing her at all.

I saw my grandma once a year, I still know who she is.

They don’t sound like very nice people.

I used to get this from ExP’s family. I just responded to them directly at the time, every time.

“You don’t look anything like your daddy. Not at all. Nothing of us in you.” - what are you trying to say there MiL? That you don’t think he’s your son’s baby?

“Your mummy starves you. Doesn’t she? Doesn’t she? Shall I call social services? Shall I?” - hands her the phone. Go ahead, I’d love to hear what they say when you tell them I won’t wean an 8 week old.

They stopped with the passive aggressive shit pretty soon. Never stopped being dicks though. ExP never backed me up either.

Why are you allowing her to talk to you like that? Why is your husband allowing his mother to talk to you like that? Xi wouldn't be going to visit at all.

That’s so disrespectful. I couldn’t take my child to someone who did this, it won’t stop even when they’re 10 and then what is your child going to think.

Next time she say "you're much prettier than your mummy" I would reply "well you must get your looks from somewhere because it isn't from daddies side of the family".

Next time she does this op, take your child. Get her in the car and leave.

Put your foot down, the fact your fill is more insistent on overnights is bizarre too.

Woah! You simply can’t allow her to get away with that.

It’s clear that your DP isn’t going to defend you and to be honest, you need to step up and defend yourself. Remember that you have something she wants, so you have the power here. As soon as she starts with the stupid comments, take your baby back, grab your stuff and leave.

He can visit his parents on his own, but I’d refuse to let him take your daughter with him until she accepts that her behaviour was rude and she apologises to you. She will be shocked initially and try to turn it around saying it was just a joke, you misunderstood etc. but you must stand firm. She was being deliberately spiteful.

Until you assert your boundaries clearly and stick to them every time, she will keep pushing you both. She’s not happy about ‘losing’ her son but she needs to learn that being rude and obnoxious to her DIL isn’t going to give her what she wants, a relationship with her granddaughter.

Speaking as a grannie... once a year would be enough for this lot. Your son must tackle her about this unacceptable behavior. Tell her your child sleeps in your house till she's at least 6.

My IL live in Europe and see their grandkids once a year (save since covid) now they are 8 and 10 they know perfectly well who GP are and speak to them monthly by facetime. Whatever works for your family is plenty! Mine didn't stay at my parents alone until over 1 and they are very close now.

DP needs to grow a spine and tell them to stop belittling you. You don't want them doing this as your child gets older and understands. It's not a joke as it is not funny.

This is what I would be insisting on first.