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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to see cute baby pics

296 replies

Tevion28 · 10/10/2021 18:59

I dont think people understand how traumatic it can be to have never had your 2nd dc and end up depressed and these people know the effect its had on your life but think its okay to triumphantly announce births to you and pics of the new arrival.

OP posts:
YukoandHiro · 10/10/2021 19:04

Same for everything in life - weddings, degrees, babies, grandchildren, healthy older parents.

If your caring for a parent with dementia hearing seeing pics of your friends going on a sailing holiday with their active 80 year old mum is going to be very upsetting.

Sorry OP - I realise infertility and baby loss is an awful, life changing thing to experience. But it's on you to look away from difficult stuff online, not up to people to censor their own happiness

EishetChayil · 10/10/2021 19:04

It's utterly shit, but it's life, I'm afraid.

Original poster
Tevion28 · 10/10/2021 19:05

So do i respond

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 10/10/2021 19:06

It can be difficult for people to know what to do for the best when someone is suffering from infertility/secondary infertility or the loss of a child. Not everyone wants to be spared baby photos.

Wannakisstheteacher · 10/10/2021 19:06

So you do have one child? Pretty self indulgent to want everyone to tip toe around you forever when you actually have a child - which as you know many, many couples would give their right arm for.

PurpleDaisies · 10/10/2021 19:07

Sorry you’re going through this. Flowers

Have you told your friends you’re struggling with seeing baby pictures? If they’re coming g via WhatsApp could you mute the group, or unfollow them on Facebook for a while?

You know you’re not being reasonable to call them “triumphant”, that’s the infertility hurt talking.

Actupfishy · 10/10/2021 19:08

Sorry for your loss OP. It’s tough to share in others joy when you’re grieving x

Covetthee · 10/10/2021 19:08

Depends, if they are showing it you or if you mean on social media, if that’s the case then yes it does suck, but people have a right to be happy about the good things in their life and to share that with those they want to.

ThinWomansBrain · 10/10/2021 19:09

have you ever shown people pictures of your first child - as a baby or older?

PurpleDaisies · 10/10/2021 19:09

@TestingTestingWonTooFree

It can be difficult for people to know what to do for the best when someone is suffering from infertility/secondary infertility or the loss of a child. Not everyone wants to be spared baby photos.
Yes I agree. Scan photos are almost universally hated but everyone expects to be sent a photo of the new baby when it’s born. You kind of have to steel yourself for that.

I’ve always found actual children much easier than pregnant women and scan pictures which is pretty common amongst us barrens.

Original poster
Tevion28 · 10/10/2021 19:10

It has specifically been shown for my attention

OP posts:
Cornettoninja · 10/10/2021 19:10

@Tevion28

So do i respond
Yes, of course. A generic congratulations and hope you’re all well is fine.

I’m sorry it’s difficult for you but you do need to find a strategy to deal with these things, particularly as you’ve one child. Every time my dd asks for a little brother or sister or pretends her friends are her siblings my heart breaks a little bit but I can’t let my experience dominate her view of life.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/10/2021 19:11

Have you asked for as little info as possible?

It’s not too late to do so but you might find it affects your relationship with them.

When you had your baby I’m sure you wanted to share news and photos of them. They’re doing the same.

A lot of us won’t get a second we’d have loved. A lot of us would give anything for one. We’ve all got our different struggles. People sharing news of a new baby is pretty normal and I’m sure it wasn’t designed to hurt you.

PurpleDaisies · 10/10/2021 19:11

@Tevion28

It has specifically been shown for my attention
You’ve got to think about what’s most likely here. Your friends are all horrible arseholes who are deliberately trying to upset you, or they’ve assumed you’ll want to know they’ve had their baby in a pretty normal message.
CharlieP1977 · 10/10/2021 19:12

@Tevion28

I dont think people understand how traumatic it can be to have never had your 2nd dc and end up depressed and these people know the effect its had on your life but think its okay to triumphantly announce births to you and pics of the new arrival.
They are probably just very happy and excited and wanted to share this with you.
3WildOnes · 10/10/2021 19:12

I’m not sure if you lost a child or you have struggled to conceive a second. I did struggle to conceive for years after my first and suffered a few miscarriages along the way. I would have been really upset to have been excluded from peoples baby news. Each person is different so I don’t think you can blame your friends for sharing their happy news with you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/10/2021 19:12

A simple “congratulations” will do.

Is it a family member? Are you likely to meet the baby?

Cocomarine · 10/10/2021 19:12

Well, you have asked, so - YABU.
Your son has just started university - so why would anyone think that 18 years on they still have to tiptoe around someone who didn’t get to have a second?

You’re not even in the thick of that period when all the mums you met when you had your first seem to easily be having the next next one at a perfect and planned 2 year gap. Or 3, for funded nursery hours!

And yes, I only ever was able to have the one. I still save most of my sympathy for those who never got one at all.

mrsm43s · 10/10/2021 19:12

@Tevion28

So do i respond
Yes, you feel grateful for the child you have, and grateful that good things are happening for the people you (presumably) love and you respond and celebrate these new babies. Inside, maybe feel a bit wistful that your "ideal" family didn't happen, whilst recognising how lucky you are to have the one you do have.
SylvanasWindrunner · 10/10/2021 19:13

I think you are both BU and NBU. You are NBU to find it upsetting – we can't help what we do or don't find upsetting. But I also don't think they've necessarily done anything wrong. It's just one of those bittersweet things about life, isn't it? You can feel happy for someone you love while also feeling sad for yourself.

WorriedGiraffe · 10/10/2021 19:13

If they no the effect it’s had on your life presumably they are friends or family? Are you expecting them to hide their news from you? Just reply saying congratulations, hopefully theyl will have enough sensitivity to not continue sending lots of pictures. If not I’d say something to them but it’s not unreasonable for someone close to you to let you no they’ve given birth.

SickAndTiredAgain · 10/10/2021 19:13

@Tevion28

It has specifically been shown for my attention
What do you mean? It’s been sent to you? This and your triumphant comment make it sound like it’s been shared in a way to be deliberately hurtful. Is that what’s happened?
TeaSoakedDisasterMagnet · 10/10/2021 19:13

I think you need to build some resilience. Either come off social media or give polite responses and deal with the situation yourself away from them. Everyone has some form of trauma, something about other people’s lives that’s upsetting.

For example I think your post is quite upsetting, because I’ve been ttc for 9 years and had multiple losses and I don’t think you understand that, but you’ve posted so I’m politely engaging and now I’ll go away and think about my own situation privately.

It’s life, you have to learn to deal with it.

Siameasy · 10/10/2021 19:14

Yanbu to have your feelings but I think you would be U to express them to the people in question
We stopped at one child for several reasons and I’m still making peace with that. I have had to work through my feelings with DH and trust me many of my feelings are highly U.
Remember, you’re allowed to feel whatever you like, however messy or unsavoury, but probably best share it with DH, trusted friend or therapist or write it in a journal

Imagineit · 10/10/2021 19:14

Op this is why I left Facebook. It's fairytale land where you only see happiness and rainbows. Step away. Best thing I ever did.