Page 4 | To not want to see cute baby pics

bonbonours · 10/10/2021 19:43

As others say, while your feelings of sadness or envy are understandable you can't be expected not to have feelings, you also can't expect other people not to be excited about their baby, or to hope that their friends are pleased for them.

Everyone has things they feel sad about in their lives, it shouldn't stop them from being able to feel pleased for friends. Nobody's life is perfect. Maybe the person showing you baby photos lost their mum and when you tell her you're going for lunch with your mum it makes her feel sad.

People can't just never talk about their lives in case it upsets someone else. Showing a friend a picture of your new baby is totally normal behaviour, not showing off or being triumphant. To be honest you don't sound like you're being a friend to them.

LawnFever · 10/10/2021 19:44

@Tevion28

I dont think people understand how traumatic it can be to have never had your 2nd dc and end up depressed and these people know the effect its had on your life but think its okay to triumphantly announce births to you and pics of the new arrival.

I don’t think people understand how traumatic it is for people who have no DC, desperately want them and have to come to terms with it never happening.

Having one DC is more than I will ever have, yabu to expect nobody to ever share baby pics with you.

Asiama · 10/10/2021 19:44

OP i am sorry for your loss I have also had two losses so know how it feels. I hope you are able to find help and peace. Who knows, you may become a grandmother one day and I hope for you to find joy in this rather than experience the pain of your own loss.

NeverTheHootenanny · 10/10/2021 19:44

Sorry OP, your sister really hasn’t done anything wrong here.
Good to hear that you are seeking therapy to work through these feelings, I hope you get the support that you need

Original poster

Tevion28 · 10/10/2021 19:45

Frazzledd I have explained to both my sisters over and over again that I can't cope with pregnancy announcements etc I feel no joy whatsoever just resentment like why was I denied so badly. I have tried to dispel the feelings but they come back.

OP posts:

drpet49 · 10/10/2021 19:45

* Everyone has things they feel sad about in their lives, it shouldn't stop them from being able to feel pleased for friends.*

^This. What are you going to do if and when your son has a baby?

Cocomarine · 10/10/2021 19:45

@Tevion28

Cocomarine I hate the brigade who think oh get over yourself its been 18 years awful attitude

I already responded that this was not what I said. But I’d like to say that it wasn’t clear to me - and other posters - that you had lost your second child rather than not been able to have one. I hope the support you have lined up now will help you to find peace.

ThisOneNow · 10/10/2021 19:46

I'm sorry you're feeling like that. It's very true that you don't just "get over" big losses even after 18 years, but most people find acceptance long before then. In the year after my DD died a few friends avoided telling me their baby news. I know that they were trying to be sensitive and tactful but I would have much rather they had told me, even if I found other people's baby news very painful at the time. It was more painful hearing their news from other people.

Original poster

Tevion28 · 10/10/2021 19:46

My son has gone to university and is so much happier and I feel that its because his life was awful as a only

OP posts:

Caligraph · 10/10/2021 19:47

Any happiness you can find in seeing these babies is likely to help you. It's not easy. But if you see every baby as the child you couldn't have, or if you deliberately avoid seeing them, you won't be able to heal. Break it down for yourself, like a kind counsellor. You're hurting. But you've known this happiness too. And you don't actually want others to suffer as you have.

Try to change what a friend's baby means to you. It's not minimising your past suffering to let yourself heal. If you can build positive associations, things will get better. It's hard not to flinch away but you can change your reactions

LawnFever · 10/10/2021 19:47

@Tevion28

Frazzledd I have explained to both my sisters over and over again that I can't cope with pregnancy announcements etc I feel no joy whatsoever just resentment like why was I denied so badly. I have tried to dispel the feelings but they come back.

You weren’t denied that though, you have a son?

BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 10/10/2021 19:48

What is the issue OP? I didn't understand from your OP why you find it upsetting. Is it that you couldn't have a second child?

I think there are lots of situations which make it difficult to hear of others pregnancies and babies and children. While I do think you are fortunate if you have had one healthy child, I also recognise that if that's how you feel then that's how you feel. Maybe counselling would help. Maybe step back from whatsapp or have a stock response to send like a smiley face or love heart.

DeepaBeesKit · 10/10/2021 19:48

Their joy is separate to your loss.

I had multiple miscarriages while friends & family easy produced babies. I was sad for myself but had to tell myself it was important to realise it wasnt their fault my babies didnt make it, and to be happy for them, just as I would hope they would be happy for me if I finally got there.

I hurts like hell OP, but we cannot expect people not to celebrate a new baby.

Comedycook · 10/10/2021 19:49

But you have a child op...you did experience pregnancy, giving birth, the baby stage...can you focus on your lovely memories of the child you do have?

Actupfishy · 10/10/2021 19:49

Sorry op, there is so much more to this story. You really need to seek professional help and as others have said get this post removed xx

Caligraph · 10/10/2021 19:49

@Tevion28

My son has gone to university and is so much happier and I feel that its because his life was awful as a only

I loved university because it was a new and exciting world after school. And I was very far from being an only.

People don't suddenly discover how to be happy at 18 - if your son is happy at university it's because he had a secure base. I bet he knows he was a cherished child. He'll have that all his life.

BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 10/10/2021 19:49

Also it's her grandchild and you have a son so you could be a grandmother in time. Is that something you look forward to?

DeepaBeesKit · 10/10/2021 19:51

And OP please enjoy the son you have. Sounds like you have a son to be proud of, going off to university.

MrsSkylerWhite · 10/10/2021 19:51

Tevion28

So do i respond?”

“Congratulations” would seem appropriate.

Cocomarine · 10/10/2021 19:53

@Caligraph excellent post.

Comedycook · 10/10/2021 19:53

@Tevion28

My son has gone to university and is so much happier and I feel that its because his life was awful as a only

You are massively projecting. Most students absolutely love uni and have a great time, not because they had miserable home lives but because its really exciting to meet new people and get some independence.

DameMaureen · 10/10/2021 19:57

@Tevion28

My son has gone to university and is so much happier and I feel that its because his life was awful as a only

You sound like you could do with some professional help with this matter .

MrsSkylerWhite · 10/10/2021 19:57

blueskyinjan

I understand you OP, I would remove all the friends that bring you down from your social media...there’s no point in engaging with it. That’s what I’ve done at any rate and I feel much better for iT”

These are not friends but close family members. Relatives whom most people would usually feel happy for.

saraclara · 10/10/2021 19:58

Your sister's grandchild is going to be part of your family for the rest of your life. This isn't something you can avoid.

I hope that you're able to see someone to talk about this soon and that they can help you.

Nancydrawn · 10/10/2021 19:59

OP, I agree that you need mental health help quite seriously.

You've had 18 years with a much-loved child, who is now going and exploring the world. He may well have children of his own in the next two decades. This can be a joy and a celebration.

And family and love isn't limited by direct birth or even by blood. If you want, your great-nephew or great-niece can become another beloved family member, who will in turn love you and think of you warmly and fondly. Same for your friends' children and grandchildren. We can build villages and forge strong bonds with all sorts of people.

That you don't feel able to do this, after twenty years, suggests that your anguish over not having a second child is a symptom of a larger problem, not the problem itself. (If you had had two, perhaps you would have felt like this about not having a third.)

All of which is to say, you sound like you are in serious pain, that really has very little to do with the actual situation, and you should get help for it as soon as you can.