Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to see cute baby pics

296 replies

Tevion28 · 10/10/2021 18:59

I dont think people understand how traumatic it can be to have never had your 2nd dc and end up depressed and these people know the effect its had on your life but think its okay to triumphantly announce births to you and pics of the new arrival.

OP posts:
Imagineit · 10/10/2021 19:28

Op your sister isn't the problem. Please delete the social media account, censor what you are exposed to for your own mental health. Think hard about what social media actually brings to your life because it's obviously deeply upsetting. You can't change the world but you can change the way you interact with it and deleting social media would be a good place to protect yourself. Otherwise you are forced to 'respond' to play in to the social media circus.

FilthyforFirth · 10/10/2021 19:28

You are only living for your grown up son, who is 18, because you haven't been able to have a second?

Comedycook · 10/10/2021 19:29

I'm really sorry for your loss Flowers

Sending photos of children and grandchildren is an entirely normal thing to do though. And yes, you send generic congratulations messages when new babies are born and pregnancies announced.

RobertaFirmino · 10/10/2021 19:29

Grandparents, on the whole, will become rather irritating with their insistence that you look at how cute little Noah is.

This isn't about you and it isn't really about your sister. It is about being a grandparent and the fact they cannot see beyond the bundle of joy. Perhaps you will become one too and be just as annoying.

I cannot stress how important it is to count your blessings. As pp have mentioned, you are extremely lucky to have had a child. Life is not fair and we do not always get what we want. Could you consider counselling as carrying on as you are is rather cruel to yourself.

KnobJockey · 10/10/2021 19:33

I'm sorry for your loss, but yes, I'm afraid I think YABU. This is a relative of yours, the baby, who you could be loving and proud of.

I think you need to seek further help, as pretty soon your son could be having a baby of his own and you need to be able to deal with it.

Original poster
Tevion28 · 10/10/2021 19:34

I am waiting for counselling and a physiatrist evaluation

OP posts:
Waspsarearseholes · 10/10/2021 19:34

You are so, so unreasonable but I've a very strong suspicion that you won't take a single bit of notice of anyone telling you this. Do you expect everyone in your life to pretend their babies don't exist indefinitely?

Moonbabysmum · 10/10/2021 19:34

This isn't just about baby though is it, you are it's great aunty...

esloquehay · 10/10/2021 19:34

OP, I'd ask for this post to be taken down. If you are still feeling the repercussions of loss 18 years down the line, a post on AIBU is not going to ameliorate things.
Do you have ongoing mental health support?

PurpleDaisies · 10/10/2021 19:34

It sounds like you have a lot going on.

Can you see your sister hasn’t actually done anything wrong here?

Twizbe · 10/10/2021 19:35

As some one who's been through infertility I completely understand how hard it can be to see pregnancy announcements or baby photos. It's one of the many reasons I don't share pictures of my kids on social media.

BUT (and I say this with love) it's been 18 years since you went through this. While the hurt might still be there, it's it's this bad you need to access some support for your mental health and to work to move past it.

I think it's a reasonable assumption that someone that far on from something wouldn't be as sensitive to it anymore.

RobertaFirmino · 10/10/2021 19:35

@Tevion28

I am waiting for counselling and a physiatrist evaluation
Good, you do not deserve to be carrying these feelings around with you. I really do hope they can help you.
Original poster
Tevion28 · 10/10/2021 19:36

FilthyforFirth I will grow old and lonely so whats the point.

OP posts:
Libraryghost · 10/10/2021 19:36

I am so sorry for your troubles but you cannot reasonably expect other people not to share pics because it might upset you. They have a perfect right to be excited. Your problems are not theirs. That sounds harsh but it true, somebody getting divorced might not want too see wedding photos but that is life. The only thing I can suggest is that perhaps you turn off social media, WhatsApp etc while you are feeling like this. It’s only going to trigger you.

Cornettoninja · 10/10/2021 19:36

as carrying on as you are is rather cruel to yourself

This really. After 18 years you should be caring for the scar left by your loss and unrealised family, but you are missing out on so much happiness by accepting that it’s not you but everyone else.

I hope you fine effective support because you need to be in a place where you can separate other peoples happiness from your own pain. It’s really sad that you’re effectively torturing yourself.

Frazzledd · 10/10/2021 19:37

@Tevion28

I am waiting for counselling and a physiatrist evaluation
Can you talk to your sister about how your feeling right now? I'm sorry for what your going through, I really hope you get the help you need Flowers
Original poster
Tevion28 · 10/10/2021 19:37

Twizbe so why am I still hurting so much

OP posts:
Maybe83 · 10/10/2021 19:38

I think you should get professional help to process your grief around this and improve your mental health.

After 18 years I think it is extremely sad that you aren't in a place that something so innocent can't be seen for what it is. Your sister sharing something that makes her happy with you.

I lost my son last year in pregnancy. I am still very much in the stage that pregnancy babies and scan etc give me that awful gut wrenching feeling. But I don't want to live like this forever. I don't want to not be happy for other people because of something bad that happened to me. So it's getting easier. I have realised that absolutely nothing anyone else experiences good or bad will change what happened to my son or bring him back. Live doesn't stop for anyone and to be honest I don't people I love to suffer like I have. I want my family and friends to be happy and celebrate good things happen to them.

Grief can drown you. I dont think your sister has done anything wrong.

Mydogmylife · 10/10/2021 19:38

Said with kindness op please get help fairly urgently. This is not normal, and you cannot expect people to tiptoe round you like this. This is your great niece /nephew not just a random baby

Twizbe · 10/10/2021 19:38

@Tevion28

Twizbe so why am I still hurting so much
That I can't answer, but a mental health professional might be able to help you answer that question for yourself.
Imagineit · 10/10/2021 19:40

Op, I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost a daughter 5 years ago and you don't 'get over it' as some suggest. You carry that pain with you every day, you just learn how to carry it so it's not quite so heavy that's all. Is there anything in particular that has brought up these feelings today? X

Nocutenamesleft · 10/10/2021 19:40

I think you’re being unreasonable to think people don’t tell you incredibly important bits of their life.

Did you not tell a soul when you had your first child?

You could always block them?

SmellyOldOwls · 10/10/2021 19:40

@PurpleDaisies yeah I was the same when struggling with multiple miscarriages after having my first child. When it's an actual baby it didn't feel as bad - it wasn't their baby I envied, it was the scan showing a live healthy baby, the growing bump rather than the deflated tummy after the D&C and so on.

Anyway OP you need to talk to the person in question but I can't think you can accuse anyone of sharing a picture of their baby or baby relative of being hurtful or spiteful. It's something we do even those of us who have had fertility problems in the past.

Libraryghost · 10/10/2021 19:40

@Imagineit

Op this is why I left Facebook. It's fairytale land where you only see happiness and rainbows. Step away. Best thing I ever did.
This! I cannot stress enough how true this is. If you are feeling down, lack of self esteem, depressed, lonely, envious., etc etc. Facebook will take those feelings and amplify it by a million, It’s not your friend at the best of times but when you are suffering poor mental health it’s a downright enemy.
Ihaventgottimeforthis · 10/10/2021 19:41

You need to get help to process your grief & hurt.
What will happen if your son has a child?