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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to see cute baby pics

296 replies

Tevion28 · 10/10/2021 18:59

I dont think people understand how traumatic it can be to have never had your 2nd dc and end up depressed and these people know the effect its had on your life but think its okay to triumphantly announce births to you and pics of the new arrival.

OP posts:
Lweji · 11/10/2021 16:52

You could have had 12 sons and no daughter!

Or you could have had a terrible relationship with the daughter.

I have a friend who finds it very difficult to understand and deal with her teenage DD, who also struggles with anorexia.

I "only" have one DS and we have a good relationship and he has given me few worries.

I suppose you have to ask yourself if even a second child, or even a DD, would be enough, or if you'd still be seeking something else to make you happy.
There are always things in our lives that compare unfavourably with other people. Always things that don't match our expectations.
Those of us who accept this are the happy ones.

LawnFever · 11/10/2021 17:04

@Tevion28

Some feelings are based off never having a dd
And? Lots of people never have either!

Your poor son, I can only dream of having a baby and you’re so focussed on this imaginary baby that never was you can’t see how privileged you are to have him.

Chloemol · 11/10/2021 17:15

I just scanned your posts, this has been going on for years and you are basically saying no one else can have any joy because you can’t

Harsh as this may sound, and I appreciate you may have issues because of what happened all those years ago you are being selfish to not allow others to share anything with you because you have never got over it

And again I know this is harsh but maybe food for thought, perhaps your son is happier at university because he is away from your negativity ( and no doubt he has picked up on the fact you want a daughter so how would that make him feel?). Kids pick up on things, he will have been aware, now he doesn’t have to deal with it daily

Only you can get yourself the help to get through this, although your posts seem to be that you want to wallow in your thoughts, rather than be happy for others

We don’t all get what we want in life, but are defined on how we deal with that disappointment

Puffalicious · 11/10/2021 17:26

@TestingTestingWonTooFree

I wonder how life has been for your son when you’ve been so dissatisfied with only having him. I hope you manage to get done counselling to help you move on.
I agree with this. You've had so many kind comments and many posters share their pain of never being able to have a child or tragically having lost a child, yet you're still wallowing in self-pity and ignoring the point that you have a wonderful child who still needs you (he always will). You need to give yourself a serious shake.

My sister lost 4 babies (including stillborn twins) before she had her beloved DC. Far from grieving her inability to have another, she's thanked Mother Earth for how blessed she is.

Your attitude actually makes me really upset for those posters who have shared their experiences.

AudacityBaby · 11/10/2021 17:48

I had a total hysterectomy at 32 before finding anyone that I’d like to have had kids with. Dealing with the menopause in my early 30s was and continues to be really hard, because you feel like you’re 20 years older than your peers, and anyone going through menopause seems to have different challenges e.g. very advanced career, kids at GCSE/uni or whatever.

It’s incredibly isolating, and at times I feel like a ghost. I really recommend therapy, and perhaps joining the Daisy Network would help.

At the same time, you have to love yourself enough to find the joy in the now, not in the what might’ve been. That’s really hard, don’t get me wrong, but it’s hard to live immersed in this pain too, right? Grief is a process and I feel like you can work through it, in time, and come to a better place. It may always hurt, but not in the same way, and not all the time.

None of the above makes me a “better” person - just a person who has had counselling to help me come through to a bit of a better place.

Puffalicious · 11/10/2021 19:54

Audacitybaby you are some strong woman. An inspiration and you seem so kind- the best of MN. Flowers

Original poster
Tevion28 · 11/10/2021 20:11

AudacityBaby I'm really sorry you had to go through that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tevion28 · 11/10/2021 20:13

Puffalicious You think I don't feel empathy for those posters then?. Does it make my own feelings invalid?

OP posts:
Original poster
Tevion28 · 11/10/2021 20:17

Chloemol I tried counselling and it was no good im willing to try again. I am actually taking some steps but to be honest I may also have another mental health condition that's making me react like this to be honest I'm very confused.

OP posts:
Iheartbaby · 11/10/2021 20:19

I’m so sad you are feeling like this, no matter how many people tell you that you are lucky for having one, when you feel deep sadness it doesn’t make anything feel better. I just hope one day you will feel happiness. You may have such lovely things to luck forward to if you have lots of grandchildren one day.

Sparklybanana · 11/10/2021 20:29

I completely empathise as I thought I'd never have children but you are letting your whole life and your own child's life be defined by this one event. You have to be tough with yourself at this point and change your behavior when it comes to seeing baby photos. Treat it as you would a phobia.
Many of us would like to change an event in the past but we simply cannot do anything about it so we have two choices. We can choose to retain those feelings or we can draw a circle around those feelings, validate them by all means but put them behind you. Imagine pushing them behind you. Imagine you are at the end of your life and looking back. Would you regret what you do now? This is the only chance you'll get to change it. Look at those photos. Imagine it's your future grandchild and feel the joy.

Offmyfence · 11/10/2021 20:48

You definitely need a lot more help, you may never have had a DD even if you had a second child.

LawnFever · 11/10/2021 21:54

@Tevion28

Puffalicious You think I don't feel empathy for those posters then?. Does it make my own feelings invalid?
You haven’t shown any empathy to anyone who has taken the time to reply and explain their situation.

You’re entitled to your feelings, I’m entitled to think you’re so wrapped up in your own situation you’re not comprehending that you’re actually very lucky compared to a lot of people.

esloquehay · 11/10/2021 22:16

OP, you've lodged yourself securely in the position of victim. How many years have your spent wallowing? 18?
And how has this impacted on your son? And the rest of your family.
I really, really hope that you get some MH support, so that you don't the next 18 years making yourself - and others - miserable.

Original poster
Tevion28 · 11/10/2021 22:25

When my dp at the time agreed to a second dc I was so happy and looking forward to another that I was straight away looking for prams cots etc I even bought some clothes in anticipation im sorry if pof devastated me at this time but it was horrible horrible horrible.

OP posts:
lovescaca · 11/10/2021 22:29

Can you not be happy for other people? I'm in the same boat as u but life goes on

PurpleDaisies · 11/10/2021 22:31

@lovescaca

Can you not be happy for other people? I'm in the same boat as u but life goes on
You don’t have to actually be happy. You just have to be able to cope well enough to not kill all your relationships with family or friends with children.
Original poster
Tevion28 · 11/10/2021 22:32

I can't feel any joy for pregnancy announcements no

OP posts:
Original poster
Tevion28 · 11/10/2021 22:35

I went into denial at the time with still imagining I was pregnant with all the symptoms , taking pregnancy tests, still ttc imagining that my period hadn't come because I was pregnant but in reality it was the pof.
I went from been happy to somebody with mental health issues which have never gone away.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 11/10/2021 22:35

@Tevion28

I can't feel any joy for pregnancy announcements no
That’s ok. You can’t force yourself to feel it. Can you at least rationalise Thad your sister hasn’t actually done anything wrong in sending you that photo?
Original poster
Tevion28 · 11/10/2021 22:39

PurpleDaisies probably not i did respond because I felt sadness for her if I didn't.notsure where that feeling came from.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tevion28 · 11/10/2021 22:42

The pof changed me i started suffering from anxiety that I was going to drop dead and called a ambulance twice. I also kept getting palpitations. It all led to me getting in my car at 3am to distract myself.

OP posts:
LawnFever · 11/10/2021 23:04

@Tevion28

I can't feel any joy for pregnancy announcements no
Neither can I, but I put on a smile and say congratulations and move on
AudacityBaby · 12/10/2021 01:14

@Puffalicious

Audacitybaby you are some strong woman. An inspiration and you seem so kind- the best of MN. Flowers
That’s really kind of you to say, thank you!
Puffalicious · 12/10/2021 01:35

eloseqhay and lawnfever have it bang on the money: you've put yourself in victim mode. Only you can get yourself out with therapy to see this for what it is: selfish.