Page 6 | To not want to see cute baby pics

Tevion28 · 2021-10-10T17:59:44+00:00

I dont think people understand how traumatic it can be to have never had your 2nd dc and end up depressed and these people know the effect its had on your life but think its okay to triumphantly announce births to you and pics of the new arrival.

Subbaxeo · 10/10/2021 21:05

I would ask you what would you like them to do? Pretend they’ve never had another one? Not mention them? Maybe you need counselling to come to terms with having only one child. What would happen in the future if your child does poorly in exams while all his friends are throwing their results in the air with joy (happened to me-I genuinely congratulated them)? FWIW I lost both my parents when I was a teenager and I longed for my mum when things weren’t going right in my life. I felt quite jealous of my friends who had and still have their parents. But I had to accept that was my issue, not theirs and to ask them not to show me pictures of them and their mum having a spa day or whatever would be crazy. Of course you feel grief for your loss-but unless someone is deliberately trying to be hurtful, please don’t show your resentment to them.

Crazycrazylady · 10/10/2021 21:05

Where does this stop op. When you're 60, 70, 80..
Honestly it's not the lack of second child that has blighted your life but your inability to count your blessing and move on. It really must very wearing for those in your life who have to listen your tale of woe 18 years later..
Enjoy what you have op, life is short.

Latenightreader · 10/10/2021 21:06

I am currently dealing with losing a friend who can’t cope with the fact that I had a much longed for first (and only) child after years of fertility treatment when she has been unable to have a second. We were very close once, and it saddens me that she can’t be happy for me. I do not doubt her pain (or yours) but it can crush things.

Puffalicious · 10/10/2021 21:08

@Nancydrawn

OP, I agree that you need mental health help quite seriously.

You've had 18 years with a much-loved child, who is now going and exploring the world. He may well have children of his own in the next two decades. This can be a joy and a celebration.

And family and love isn't limited by direct birth or even by blood. If you want, your great-nephew or great-niece can become another beloved family member, who will in turn love you and think of you warmly and fondly. Same for your friends' children and grandchildren. We can build villages and forge strong bonds with all sorts of people.

That you don't feel able to do this, after twenty years, suggests that your anguish over not having a second child is a symptom of a larger problem, not the problem itself. (If you had had two, perhaps you would have felt like this about not having a third.)

All of which is to say, you sound like you are in serious pain, that really has very little to do with the actual situation, and you should get help for it as soon as you can.

Brilliant post.

It's clear after 18 years that you need some help to get over this.

mummyh2016 · 10/10/2021 21:09

I'm an only child and whilst I would've loved a sibling to be close to I don't feel like my life has been made worse by not having one. Besides there are a lot of people (esp on here!) who don't speak to their siblings or are low contact anyway.

Standrewsschool · 10/10/2021 21:10

I’m sorry for your hurt but your sister hasn’t done anything wrong.

Don’t push your son away for grieving for the child you never had.

Have you posted about this situation, or something similar before?

Comedycook · 10/10/2021 21:11

None of us have perfect lives or everything we want. I lost my parents young...it is sometimes hard to see my friends with their mum's and dads and enjoying that relationship. But I have a friend with a lovely mum and dad but her and her husband can't have children. I have a lovely single friend who would love a relationship but can't seem to find one. I guess we have to be thankful and find joy in the things we do have.

Op...you have a son...you've done a great job if he's made it to uni and is enjoying himself there..that's a positive reflection on you not a negative one. In time he'll have his own family and it's likely you 'll have grandchildren to dote on. Remember you are already a great aunt to your sisters grandchild. That's your family too. I hope you can get help and manage to enjoy and embrace all the positives in your life.

thepeopleversuswork · 10/10/2021 21:14

I can understand how painful this must be and you clearly are very traumatised by it and my sympathies.

But, with sympathy, you cannot possibly expect everyone you know to suspend all discussion about, and never to send you pictures of babies in perpetuity.

It's clearly very painful but after this length of time it is on you to manage it in a way which doesn't impose on other people. You can't just expunge babies and representations of them from other people's lives and I think what you are expecting your sister to do (or not do) is unreasonable.

You do need professional help to deal with it -- and you're clearly aware of this. But for now you just have to style it out in a way which causes least pain and distress to yourself. Because you risk causing offence and hurt to your loved ones if you expect people to understand this.

Blondiney · 10/10/2021 21:17

Single, childless and in my 40s when DSIL bombarded me with triumphant pics of her spawn. I cried for a week.

MayorGundersonsDogRufus · 10/10/2021 21:21

OP, I am in exactly the same boat as you, but you know other people's happiness or lives are not any kind of comment on your own pain, don't you? It wouldn't make any difference if no one ever shared any pics of their new babies, you would still have had the same experiences and loss. That is their lives, their experiences. It's not about you. Don't let your own grief stop you feeling joy for others. It is possible to do both.

LemonPeonies · 10/10/2021 21:22

I've had 3 traumatic miscarriages and 10 years unexplained infertility. I had a miracle baby nearly 2 years ago and in all that time even when I thought it would never happen for me, I never expected others to hide their pregnancies or baby pictures from me. The earth doesn't revolve around you.

VodselForDinner · 10/10/2021 21:22

@Tevion28

FilthyforFirth I will grow old and lonely so whats the point.

I don’t have children, largely by choice.

I do worry that I won’t have a support network around me as I age. To ensure that doesn’t happen, I work hard to maintain relationship with family and friends.

I’d suggest you consider doing the same, OP, because isolating your family isn’t going to help you.

Cryalot2 · 10/10/2021 21:22

Sorry that you feel this way. 18 years is way too long to be hurting like this. You are blessed with 1 dc who no doubt loves you and had a much loved life.
You need to allow yourself to be happy, and to move on. Would it help to do something in memory of your loss. Something positive. Plant a tree, have a bench in memory.

I hope that you get the help you clearly need asap.
There are also support groups online, although I would keep away from sm.
Your sisters were unlikely trying to cause you pain.
Has your son just went to uni ?
Good wishes

SmellyOldOwls · 10/10/2021 21:23

@Blondiney

Single, childless and in my 40s when DSIL bombarded me with triumphant pics of her spawn. I cried for a week.

Spawn?

Blondiney · 10/10/2021 21:25

Spawn?

Yes. Save your obnoxious faux outrage and judgement. It was how it felt at the time, completely irrational obviously.

Hmumoftw0 · 10/10/2021 21:26

There are so many children that need adopting or fostering, if your so lonely OP and was desperate for a second child then go and take those steps. My friend just passed to be a foster carer! If she can anyone can

steff13 · 10/10/2021 21:28

Single, childless and in my 40s when DSIL bombarded me with triumphant pics of her spawn. I cried for a week.

Isn't that spawn your niece or nephew?

PurpleDaisies · 10/10/2021 21:30

@Hmumoftw0

There are so many children that need adopting or fostering, if your so lonely OP and was desperate for a second child then go and take those steps. My friend just passed to be a foster carer! If she can anyone can

Oh bore off with this.

“If she can, anyone can” is just plain wrong. Getting approved as a potential adopter is a really intrusive, long and difficult process. The op had said on this thread and others she’s struggling with her mental health.

Adoption is not a cure for infertility. You have to be able to show you’ve made peace with it and moved on fully,

Your post is insensitive, unrealistic and generally ill thought out.

JapanJetplane · 10/10/2021 21:30

It’s so sad that these feelings have ruined such a huge amount of your life and that you weren’t able to heal from the pain.

To be honest it sounds like the trauma runs so deep for you that even if your sisters didn’t mention their grandchildren you would still be in pain. And I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect them never to mention their grandchildren anyway. I think you have to find a way to address this trauma yourself so you can move on from it

Blondiney · 10/10/2021 21:31

@steff13

Single, childless and in my 40s when DSIL bombarded me with triumphant pics of her spawn. I cried for a week.

Isn't that spawn your niece or nephew?

Yes, dear. It was how I felt at that intensely upsetting period in my life. Lucky you for not being able to understand.

Typical MN responses.

Nancydrawn · 10/10/2021 21:31

I should say that my post was made with empathy, compassion, and hope for the future. I'm so sorry you're struggling, and I hope you can get help from an expert to ease your suffering. The transition with your son going away must be particularly difficult, but know that him spreading his wings is exactly what you've been working for--his life, full and excited, because of your love and help.

Rachie1973 · 10/10/2021 21:34

@Hmumoftw0

There are so many children that need adopting or fostering, if your so lonely OP and was desperate for a second child then go and take those steps. My friend just passed to be a foster carer! If she can anyone can

Yeah. That won’t happen. I’m an approved foster carer and we had to jump through hoops to get here, and that’s a kinship foster carer.

OPs mental health would be a big issue.

RaoulDufysCat · 10/10/2021 21:35

@Tevion28

My son has gone to university and is so much happier and I feel that its because his life was awful as a only

What? I'm one of five and I loved going to university because teenagers, by the age of 18, are generally sick to death of their parents and want to grow up and make their own decisions. Later on we discover they weren't that bad after all.

Also, I only have one child too. I'd have loved more but accept that I am lucky to have what I do. It could so easily have been different. You are lucky too. You need counselling and help to see the positives instead of the negatives.

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/10/2021 21:35

@Hmumoftw0

There are so many children that need adopting or fostering, if your so lonely OP and was desperate for a second child then go and take those steps. My friend just passed to be a foster carer! If she can anyone can

This is poor advice. Foster carers need robust mental health.

QuestionEverythingBaby · 10/10/2021 21:37

OP I don’t think you’ve told us about your second DC. Did you have a miscarriage?