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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

You're not going out wearing that

220 replies

bigbaggyeyes · 10/10/2021 09:47

A quick aibu.

My 13 yr old dd is going out shopping (big indoor retail park) with her friends for the first time today. She wants to wear a short, strappy dress with trainers and a zip up hoodie type jacket, dress is similar to the one in the link below, but white with blue flowers on it.

She's tells me the usual 'everyone is wearing the same' but I'm not convinced.

Aibu to tell her to put a pair of jeans on? Or should I bite the bullet and let her wear what she wants?

m.shein.co.uk/SHEIN-Crisscross-Back-Ruched-Dress-p-3026908-cat-1727.html?scici=Search~~SuggestionSearch~~1~~Strappy%20White%20Dress~~SMSearchWordsSuggest~~0

OP posts:
BarefootHippieChick · 10/10/2021 14:41

What do people assume is 'sexual clothing'? Something low cut showing breasts? Something short? How short? Below the knee, fine, above the knee a no no? Midriff baring? Too tight?

CaptSkippy · 10/10/2021 14:47

@toocold54

You would put a five year old in that? What are you trying to do? Serve her up a sacrificial lamb to pedophiles?

@CaptSkippy
That’s disgusting thing to say!! No one who dresses their child in a dress or shorts are trying to encourage peados to rape their 5 year old FFS!!!

So you think peados and men can’t help raping girls and women - so we should dress in a way as to not encourage them to rape us?
Am I not allowed to show any skin and if I do am I asking to be raped?

You do realise most sexual predators/peados/rapist are the ones in your family and friends - and they attack when you’re alone regardless of what you’re wearing.

You're the one who would sexualize a minor, but I am the digusting one? I bow down to your logic.
parentinghelp1 · 10/10/2021 14:53

@toocold54

Like it or not sexual clothing gives off sexual vibes and people will judge as a result of it and make assumptions.

This is the same shit that men say to try and justify their actions.
All that will be on show is her legs - how is that any different to wearing shorts? Or is that too sexual as well?

No what you're doing is twisting what I'm saying to imply being sexual means 'asking for it' and that's NOT what I said,

You're a complete idiot if you're trying to tell me that a tight short skin tight mini dress does not give off a sexual vibe.

AngelDelight28 · 10/10/2021 15:21

@BarefootHippieChick There's no single definition obviously, but generally clothes that are blatantly designed to cater to the male gaze. Which is a lot of clothing aimed at young women. It's not necessarily about how much flesh is on show, it's about the style.
People say "oh it's a choice", but is it really, when this is the fashion that's pushed on girls from a young age. Why don't boys wear skin tight revealing clothing. Why are their clothes comfortable and practical, but those aimed at girls/women are all about showing off the bits that men find attractive?

mbosnz · 10/10/2021 15:27

Of my girls, one is bi, the other gay. The 'bits' they find attractive are the same ones the males do.

The bi-girl has a boyfriend, who wears her clothing, as she does his.

parentinghelp1 · 10/10/2021 15:44

@mbosnz

Of my girls, one is bi, the other gay. The 'bits' they find attractive are the same ones the males do.

The bi-girl has a boyfriend, who wears her clothing, as she does his.

Exactly. But now some posters are trying to turn the narrative and make out men have a problem being attracted to skin that's showing.

It's not a male thing it's a human thing - same would go for men wandering round topless with big biceps - it suggests they want attention and want to be sexualised.

So when women walk around in mini skirts and other sexual clothing it is an attention seeking thing and gives off sexual vibes - this is basic.

mbosnz · 10/10/2021 16:42

No, they are dressing the way they want, and anything in the voyeur is totally on the voyeur. Be the male or female.

People (male and female) dress the way they want. In a way that makes them feel happy.

Others may take that as license to behave in a certain way. THAT IS ON THEM.

toocold54 · 10/10/2021 16:56

You're the one who would sexualize a minor, but I am the digusting one? I bow down to your logic.

Putting a 5 year old in shorts or a dress is not sexualising them!
You are vile and it’s not ok to see a 5 year old and think any sexual thoughts ever!

toocold54 · 10/10/2021 17:00

What do people assume is 'sexual clothing'? Something low cut showing breasts? Something short? How short? Below the knee, fine, above the knee a no no? Midriff baring? Too tight?

I would love to know.

I now understand why some women wear burkas and avoid showing any skin at all.

OhGiveUp · 10/10/2021 17:01

If you don't want her to wear it then why did you buy her it, or allow someone else to buy her it?
I wouldn't have bought my daughter something that I wouldn't allow her to wear.

BoredZelda · 10/10/2021 17:02

@BoredZelda would you make an assumption of your solicitor turned up in jogging bottoms and t shirt?
I'd assume they'd been jogging.
Or your doctor turned up in a Halloween costume?
I'd assume there was a party on somewhere
Assumptions based ok how people present themselves are human nature id hate to break it to you

Assumptions are not judgements. In both those scenarios I'd wait til they said their piece before I judged them on their ability to do their jobs. In nether scenario would I made a judgement about their sexual proclivities.

OhGiveUp · 10/10/2021 17:03

Even if she'd bought it from her own money, back to the store it would have gone if I was going to disallow her to wear it.
I don't understand some people.

achainisonlyasstrong · 10/10/2021 17:16

I think this dress on a thirteen year old with hoodies and trainers would look OK! It's just a short dress. I also think that teenagers who wear short dresses may just be interested in fashion and looking good. Short dresses don't just equal I want male attention. Sometimes they just look good. Also if you can't wear short dresses as a teenager, when can you wear them? Generally not suitable work attire. Think it's a bit narrow minded to think girls in short dresses are just doing it to attract male attention! Maybe they are, but maybe they are just doing it because it's fashion! And I think that definitely goes with op's 13 year old daughter. Also this dress worn by a 13 year old would look very different than when a 18 year old is wearing it.

achainisonlyasstrong · 10/10/2021 17:22

So the message in the UK seems to be it's perfectly ok for 5 year olds to wear short dresses. But not between the ages of 10-18. And then they are allowed to wear short dresses again??? Or is it you are only allowed to wear short dresses below the age of 10. And anytime above that, you are being needlessly provocative and dressing like a stripper?

Unsure33 · 10/10/2021 17:44

This argument has gone on for years and years .

Of course we want our daughters to be proud and confident of their bodies and not to care about what others think .

However there are always unfortunately going to be men or boys who will look at them when they are dressed in certain ways . So at 13 if you think your daughter can handle that sort of attention then I guess that’s up to you .

Personally I don’t like seeing younger girls dressed like 18 year olds who are going out clubbing because sadly we don’t live in an ideal world.

Unsure33 · 10/10/2021 17:48

@mbosnz

Of course it’s is the voyeurs problem …………

But it still becomes the 13 year olds problem on handling it .

Sad as it is , that is the way of the world .

Unsure33 · 10/10/2021 17:52

@toocold54

I once went into a family pub with a 12 year old who was wearing shorts with her bum hanging out and a shirt with her boos showing .

I watched the men as she walked through , I would say 80% of men all ages had a good old stare at her .

I bet the split was some between thinking I would not let my daughter dress like that and many just ogling her . ( she did look older)

Fact of life .

Until we can educate men that’s what life is .

Unsure33 · 10/10/2021 17:53

Boobs .

JudgeJ · 10/10/2021 17:56

@ineedsun

Yes, I went out to a big entertainment park yesterday and most of the teen girls were dressed like this. I noticed because I thought a) they must be bloody freezing b) I remember when I used to go out in clothes which were inappropriate to the climate because I looked amazing c) I wish I could dress like that now.

They looked so much better than the ones wearing jeans with the fronts missing.

Years ago my daughter worked in a town centre bar and I collected her at about half eleven, it was hilarious in the middle of winter to see the women teetering along in massive heels and tiny strappy dresses, arms folded under the boobs for warmth!
JudgeJ · 10/10/2021 17:58

@toocold54

Like it or not sexual clothing gives off sexual vibes and people will judge as a result of it and make assumptions.

This is the same shit that men say to try and justify their actions.
All that will be on show is her legs - how is that any different to wearing shorts? Or is that too sexual as well?

And women never say things like that?
Travis1 · 10/10/2021 18:00

YABU.

pollypocketlover · 10/10/2021 18:41

I wouldn't be comfortable with my 13 year old child wearing that. It is clearly a dress for an adult and the people who are trying to pretent otherwise are tiring.

It's our duty to teach our daughters to question the male gaze and understand that all the hyper-sexualised depictions of women and girls EVERYWHERE will definitely affect their psyche. Boys don't feel the need to dress in extremely tight, short clothes because they aren't objectified and sexualised from a young age. As PP have said, this isn't about 'slut-shaming' girls, but rather about teaching them to be critical of the fact that they have been raised by society to view their bodies/looks as the most important thing.

I wouldn't force my daughter to change if she came down wearing that, but I would let her know that I didn't think an adult dress was appropriate for a 13 year old to wear.

toocold54 · 10/10/2021 18:42

And women never say things like that?

Yes of course but women are statistically less likely to be peados than men.

parentinghelp1 · 10/10/2021 18:52

[quote BoredZelda]**@BoredZelda would you make an assumption of your solicitor turned up in jogging bottoms and t shirt?
I'd assume they'd been jogging.
Or your doctor turned up in a Halloween costume?
I'd assume there was a party on somewhere
Assumptions based ok how people present themselves are human nature id hate to break it to you

Assumptions are not judgements. In both those scenarios I'd wait til they said their piece before I judged them on their ability to do their jobs. In nether scenario would I made a judgement about their sexual proclivities.[/quote]
My point isn't that these outfits make you think of them sexually - my point is that people make assumptions based on how you dress,

A solicitor welcoming you to discuss a legal matter in his jogging bottoms you'd think was acceptable? Well I can assure you there's many people that wouldn't and rightly so. In professional services you should look professional.

You really wouldn't question your doctor say there on a Halloween costumes? Don't be stupid

parentinghelp1 · 10/10/2021 18:54

@toocold54

What do people assume is 'sexual clothing'? Something low cut showing breasts? Something short? How short? Below the knee, fine, above the knee a no no? Midriff baring? Too tight?

I would love to know.

I now understand why some women wear burkas and avoid showing any skin at all.

So extreme and silly. We REALLY need to explain to you what sexual clothing looks like Hmm
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