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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

You're not going out wearing that

220 replies

bigbaggyeyes · 10/10/2021 09:47

A quick aibu.

My 13 yr old dd is going out shopping (big indoor retail park) with her friends for the first time today. She wants to wear a short, strappy dress with trainers and a zip up hoodie type jacket, dress is similar to the one in the link below, but white with blue flowers on it.

She's tells me the usual 'everyone is wearing the same' but I'm not convinced.

Aibu to tell her to put a pair of jeans on? Or should I bite the bullet and let her wear what she wants?

m.shein.co.uk/SHEIN-Crisscross-Back-Ruched-Dress-p-3026908-cat-1727.html?scici=Search~~SuggestionSearch~~1~~Strappy%20White%20Dress~~SMSearchWordsSuggest~~0

OP posts:
GeorgiaGirl52 · 10/10/2021 12:15

@FreeBritnee

That dress looks like a stripper dress to me so I would have absolutely had a problem with that on a 13 year old.
Agreed^ I would not have let my DD buy it.
DaphneDeloresMoorhead · 10/10/2021 12:16

Blimey that's the sort of dress I'd have worn clubbing in my 20s !
Definitely the right call not to let her out in in OP

Bizawit · 10/10/2021 12:17

But I disagree with its use entirely. Under no circumtances is it right to call anyone that, least of all girls and women

Of course it’s unacceptable to call women and girls “sluts”. That’s not what the term “slut shaming” does. You said by using the term I implied I think she is dressed like a “slut”. But that’s not what the term means at all.

Bizawit · 10/10/2021 12:20

*And I am not talking about what other percieve. I am talking about self-objectification. I am talking about the way girls learn to look in the mirror and look at themselves through the eyes of how hypothetical men might look at them. They learn this from a young age and it is related to how others perceive them, but it is also a topic so complex that it deserves its own attention. That is what I am trying to focus on.

This distinction is so importent. The arguments that "clothes are not consent", "girls should dress however they want" and "why are you sexualizing girls" are merely red herrings in this particular case. This is about how she perceives herself through the eyes of others in her adolescent brain and how she is groomed by the social media culture she is inudated with on a daily basis*

We don’t know how OPs daughter perceives herself or herself in that dress. Perhaps a conversation with her about this might be a first step?

I don’t disagree with you that these dynamics can be an issue with young adolescents , but, as I said, the solution to this is not “you are not going out in that”/ to censor how your teenage girl dresses/ shame her for what she chooses to wear.

Essen · 10/10/2021 12:21

13 year old boys don’t need to wear tight, uncomfortable, cold clothing to feel good about themselves. Why do girls?

Thedishwasherstacker · 10/10/2021 12:22

My 13 year old dd is the same. She has a few body con dresses like this and so have all her friends. She came downstairs today in a tiny cropped top and Nike air pro hot pants type shorts. I’m in my jumper, thick jeggings and dm’s!
I don’t like her dressing like this but it’s the fashion and she should be able to wear what she wants, she should be proud of her body.

liveforsummer · 10/10/2021 12:23

My dd nearly 12 has wonton nothing but shorts or the occasional dress for the last 5 years or more. I'd never force her in to a pair of jeans just because I felt cold. Tbh with a hoody and trainers that dress becomes more casual and I'd probably allow it however it's up to you. Surely a longer dress could be an option though? When do you think she should be allowed to wear the dress in question though. If never why does she have clothes that she's not permitted to wear?

liveforsummer · 10/10/2021 12:24

*worn not wonton 😆

castoroil · 10/10/2021 12:26

I think that's absolutely fine, it's just a plain dress and dressed down with trainers and a hoodie too. I wouldn't describe it as skimpy or inappropriate for a 13 year old.

parentinghelp1 · 10/10/2021 12:27

@Essen

13 year old boys don’t need to wear tight, uncomfortable, cold clothing to feel good about themselves. Why do girls?
Exactly exactly this!!!! So worrying and depressing people can't see this.
CaptSkippy · 10/10/2021 12:29

@Bizawit

But I disagree with its use entirely. Under no circumtances is it right to call anyone that, least of all girls and women

Of course it’s unacceptable to call women and girls “sluts”. That’s not what the term “slut shaming” does. You said by using the term I implied I think she is dressed like a “slut”. But that’s not what the term means at all.

That is what "slut shaming" means. Women and girls getting shamed for being (perceived as) "sluts". What even is a "slut"? In the eyes of men it is a woman who is "asking for it" or who has sex with a lot of men. But I argue the term does not even exist, because it is shit that men do that they project onto us. If you use such a derogatory term you are helping to legitimize it and are perpetuating it. Please stop.

Furthermore, the term "slut shaming" puts the focus on women in the context of rape, when the focus in the discussion of rape should be on the rapists and not their victims. Because that is what the term "slut shaming" does. Men are once again out of picture and we become afraid of using the term "victim" as though we should be ashamed of acknowledging that we had no control over a situation where men perpetrated against us.

Closetbeanmuncher · 10/10/2021 12:30

That dress looks like a stripper dress to me so I would have absolutely had a problem with that on a 13 year old

Same.

herecomesthsun · 10/10/2021 12:31

The thing is, there really are some awful people out there.

I would hope my daughter (who is a lot younger) will enjoy being a girl and express her personality, wearing fun clothes.

But comfortable ones that are warm enough. So short dresses, but probably with layers of leggings and tights etc.

And I will give her all the advice about keeping in a group and contacting home if she is worried about the situation she is in etc.

I think that is empowering.

CrispyCold · 10/10/2021 12:33

13 year olds can be proud of their body without wearing such tight and revealing clothes.

My dd used to be friends with a girl in primary who was built bigger for her age. She’d wear clothes that were way too tight for her, and also revealing clothes handed down from her sister. In year 5 it became a regular occurrence that my dd would come back from an outing with her and tell me a man had wolf whistled at her friend, slowed their car down to stare at her and one time even told her she had a nice bum. The girl actually thought it was funny. I never let dd out with her again after that

I know many of you are adamant your girls should wear what they want, which is fine for a woman. Girls, are children. They can’t handle leery men, and there are men out there who are arseholes. So why subject them to it?

justasking111 · 10/10/2021 12:53

@MrsMcGarry

I genuinely cannot believe the level of Puritanism here.

Rather than slut-shaming a 13 year old who simply wants to wear clothes she looks and feels good in, talk to your sons about not being entitled to grope women or girls no matter what they are wearing.

Why are we surprised that so many girls grow up to be women in controlling relationships when they grow up with parents who think they have a right to control what they wear.

Well I talked to my sons but do all parents well nope
Bizawit · 10/10/2021 12:56

That is what "slut shaming" means

As I already said, “Slut shaming” is a term designed to challenge/ call out others for shaming women and girls for what they do or how they dress/ trying to police their behaviour, because other people perceive their dress/ behaviour to be too sexual/ transgressive of sexual mores/ norms.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 10/10/2021 12:57

She’ll freeze!

justasking111 · 10/10/2021 12:57

@Essen

13 year old boys don’t need to wear tight, uncomfortable, cold clothing to feel good about themselves. Why do girls?
Yep and mine were reminded to respect girls. Looking at some of their school friends female I used to wish they respected themselves.
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 10/10/2021 12:58

If it were summer I’d be fine with it but wouldn’t be keen on my 13 yo being freezing cold

mbosnz · 10/10/2021 13:00

DH persuaded me to 'let' DD go out wearing a mini skirt and fish nets. DD knew I objected. DD went out, and afterwards came to us and told us how differently strangers walking past seemed to react to her. And hasn't worn that outfit again.

Sometimes allowing them to experience, rather than trying to protect them and tell them, can be useful.

And now I have a 16 year old and 18 year old, and I do think they should be able to wear what they wish, without being told that they've been brainwashed to think that they want to wear something, and without being told they'll be judged and looked down upon as 'that kind of girl', and actually just enjoy being who and what they want to be, and fuck anyone that thinks that allows them to be anything other than a decent human being towards my girls.

And they also know how to defend themselves.

Bizawit · 10/10/2021 13:01

I used to wish they respected themselves

Classic example of slut shaming.

liveforsummer · 10/10/2021 13:02

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

If it were summer I’d be fine with it but wouldn’t be keen on my 13 yo being freezing cold
Surely at 13 they can make their own decision on that? Not everyone feels the cold in the same way anyway. Dd wears only shorts apart from when she's horse riding year round. Shes old enough to realise if she's cold or not.
MrsMcGarry · 10/10/2021 13:04

I used to wish they respected themselves

You have no idea from looking at them whether they respected themselves.

What you mean is "I used to wish they presented themselves in ways that fit my definition of respectful"

BoredZelda · 10/10/2021 13:05

Rather than slut-shaming a 13 year old who simply wants to wear clothes she looks and feels good in, talk to your sons about not being entitled to grope women or girls no matter what they are wearing.

Fair, but you might also want to talk to a 13 year old about why she wants to wear revealing clothes. Understanding beauty isn’t just about wearing certain types of clothes is quite an important conversation. I could understand on a sunny day not wanting to cover up, but to wear this type of outfit in winter is not about just feeling good in clothes, it is about wearing an outfit for how it looks, not for how comfortable you feel in it as she would be shivering all day.

BoredZelda · 10/10/2021 13:08

13 year old boys don’t need to wear tight, uncomfortable, cold clothing to feel good about themselves. Why do girls?

Yep. This is where the “it’s their choice” becomes more of a grey area.

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