You're not going out wearing that

[bigbaggyeyes]

A quick aibu.

My 13 yr old dd is going out shopping (big indoor retail park) with her friends for the first time today. She wants to wear a short, strappy dress with trainers and a zip up hoodie type jacket, dress is similar to the one in the link below, but white with blue flowers on it.

She's tells me the usual 'everyone is wearing the same' but I'm not convinced.

Aibu to tell her to put a pair of jeans on? Or should I bite the bullet and let her wear what she wants?

m.shein.co.uk/SHEIN-Crisscross-Back-Ruched-Dress-p-3026908-cat-1727.html?scici=Search~~SuggestionSearch~~1~~Strappy%20White%20Dress~~SMSearchWordsSuggest~~0

I assume its a rite of passage for most girls & their dms
I have vivid memories of saying the same thing to dd1 decades ago

Let her where what she wants, don’t slut shame your 13 yr old DD!

It's absolutely fine, she'll be indoors. I was wearing a-line minis shorter than that and cropped t-shirts at 13 in the 1990s and my own mother was wearing dresses hemmed an inch below the crotch in the 1960s and it was fine. Girls don't get sexually assaulted because of what they wear. What they do get is anxious, nervous, and unhappy with their bodies because their mothers and other adults in their life tell them they should be ashamed and to cover up.

@MrsMcGarry

I genuinely cannot believe the level of Puritanism here.

Rather than slut-shaming a 13 year old who simply wants to wear clothes she looks and feels good in, talk to your sons about not being entitled to grope women or girls no matter what they are wearing.

Why are we surprised that so many girls grow up to be women in controlling relationships when they grow up with parents who think they have a right to control what they wear.

This isn't about her getting groped or attacked IMO,

It's about women not being taken seriously as a result of putting so much of the focus on how they look and sexualising themselves instead of focusing on what's important.

I find it ridiculous, your argument is flawed.

It's like saying - forget the obesity problem in the UK it's up to fat people to resist temptation of foods, not the food manufacturers fault for producing it. Is it not both parties responsibility? So for example, food manufacturers could not be making in your face ads everywhere to help the situation and tone it down just a bit?

That looks like a sexy clubbing outfit for a woman in her 20s not a dress for a child. YANBU

@Bizawit

Let her where what she wants, don’t slut shame your 13 yr old DD!

It's fuck all to do with slut shaming, it's about not participating in sexualising of children.

@Gardenlass

Regardless of unwanted male attention, the dress is unsuitable for a 13 year old.

How?

@MrsMcGarry

I genuinely cannot believe the level of Puritanism here.

Rather than slut-shaming a 13 year old who simply wants to wear clothes she looks and feels good in, talk to your sons about not being entitled to grope women or girls no matter what they are wearing.

Why are we surprised that so many girls grow up to be women in controlling relationships when they grow up with parents who think they have a right to control what they wear.

This. There are some very worrying and woefully outdated comments on here, lazily justified by accusing anyone that opposes as trying too hard to be a 'cool' parent. Depressing.

@IfImLyingImDying because it's sexualising and why does a 13 year old need to do that??

We've had a chat the fact the models she's looking at, wearing the same style of dress are about 18. Tbh she looked far more relaxed back in jeans and didn't kick off too much, so I think she felt a little pressured into wearing it to 'fit in' so was happy I'd asked her to change, as she can blame me now

I don't know why I'm feeling it's inappropriate which is why I asked, I just feel it's far too old for her, but again can't quite put my finger on why that should be an issue. I'm a firm believer that you should 'wear what you want' and if people comment on it or act in a way because if it, then it's their issue and they are in the wrong. But she's still just 13 and I guess I'm trying to protect her from this.

Anyway she's gone off happy, and we've agreed she can wear the dress to a family wedding evening do we're going to in a few month time.

If she normally wears jeans but has started to become interested in joining this new fashion trend it seems like she got a bit carried away when choosing the dress. Maybe look online with her and help her pic something similar from the same shop but a little more she appropriate in design. I can imagine a 16 year old wearing this but not a 13 year old but around 14 is the age they like to push the boundaries.

If wearing that exact dress I would make her put on tights or shorts underneath as well as the hoodie.

@bigbaggyeyes

Thank you *@Blankspace4* that's my thoughts too.... she's normally a ripped jeans and T-shirt kind of girl so seeing her in that was a shock she's just come down in a pair of jeans so we met all good.... such a mind field around letting them make decisions and still Jodi get what's right for them

OP, are they meeting boys by any chance?

In either case, I don't 13 year olds understand the meaning trying to "be sexy", especially when they've never had sex before. Because it looks like "sexy" is what she was going for.

I think you should introduce her to objectification theory. There is a really great TED talk from Renee Engeln:

This talk about women in ads by Jean Killbourne is also really great:

I find these threads astonishing. I have two girls who are only 3 and 7 but when they’re 13 they will absolutely NOT be wearing skin tight adult clothes to the shops

It seems pretty standard for what teens are wearing these days.

I would not be telling my DD what she can and can't wear, that is not a battle I'd be having. You have much bigger and more important issues to tackle with her along the way...don't be that mum who says no to everything, over reacts and pulls rank being controlling - you will drive her away at the first hurdle.

The way you react to her growing up and exploring her independence NOW will set the tone for your whole teenage daughter / mother relationship moving forward.

It's just a dress, she's going to look silly and freeze but will probably never wear it again.

I wore stuff like that out clubbing at 18/19. That is definitely not appropriate for a 13 year old. Glad you got her to change into jeans. Might be worth it to go through her wardrobe to see what else is lurking there.

Oh fuck off with your ‘cool parent’ insults, it’s a summer dress with trainers and a hoodie. Which whilst not very warm, is a nice outfit.

It doesn’t matter what they wear, they’ll get noticed and definitely judged, based on this thread. Each of those responses is inappropriate and out of order and also nothing to do with what she’s wearing but everything to do with the person doing the judging.

I’m pretty appalled by the fact that people are sexualising a thirteen year old to be honest.

They all wear this, it is their uniform. DD is 20 now but went through this phase. I bet they all have really long hair too. It’s a tribal thing to dress the same as everyone else and be in the gang.

She will have the hoodie and trainers. It’s just standard “mall-rat” uniform.

No way in HELL would my 13 y.o. daughter be going ANYwhere in that piece of cloth. It's not even a dress FFS, it looks like underwear!

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

That looks like a sexy clubbing outfit for a woman in her 20s not a dress for a child. YANBU

Exactly. How can you slut shame a 13 year old FFS? She’s a child!!!!

Yes these dresses are all the rage. Dd (14) showed me a picture of a 13 year old friend on Snapchat wearing a dress like this without a bra on and leaning forwards. She looked like a 20 year old. Even dd thought it looked wrong, which it does. It’s not slut shaming, a child should dress like a child.

@Mamette

They all wear this, it is their uniform. DD is 20 now but went through this phase. I bet they all have really long hair too. It’s a tribal thing to dress the same as everyone else and be in the gang.

She will have the hoodie and trainers. It’s just standard “mall-rat” uniform.

I never EVER see teenage girls/young women wearing ANYthing like that 'dress' the OP has posted a link to, when they're bloody shopping!

Maybe a 22 y.o. may wear it in a nightclub, but not to go shopping in!

@CrispyCold

Yes these dresses are all the rage. Dd (14) showed me a picture of a 13 year old friend on Snapchat wearing a dress like this without a bra on and leaning forwards. She looked like a 20 year old. Even dd thought it looked wrong, which it does. It’s not slut shaming, a child should dress like a child.

Jesus wept. Do her parents know she is posting pics like this?!

You probably don’t notice because they have hoodies on over them.

How shouty you are, calm down.

@TamponSupport

It's about 6 degrees where I am, so I'd object on the principle that she would freeze and be miserable all day.

You sound just like my mum when i was that age

Two oldest daughters here and honestly wouldn’t have batted an eye at that.

I would however have had a conversation about weather appropriate clothing.

It’s not our daughters responsibility to try to avoid male attention. It’s the response of males not to act like arseholes and I refuse to teach my children anything else. Bizarrely or perhaps because I’m completely relaxed about it neither have ever really wanted to wear anything too wild (well goth etc phases but not teeny clothes).

Only argument I remember having is about the appropriateness of wearing a pentagram t shirt to visit granny (fundamentalist Christian who would have had a heart attack).

That quite a cute dress, with a hoody and trainers she would have looked lovely. Psduvlt frozen though!