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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

You're not going out wearing that

220 replies

bigbaggyeyes · 10/10/2021 09:47

A quick aibu.

My 13 yr old dd is going out shopping (big indoor retail park) with her friends for the first time today. She wants to wear a short, strappy dress with trainers and a zip up hoodie type jacket, dress is similar to the one in the link below, but white with blue flowers on it.

She's tells me the usual 'everyone is wearing the same' but I'm not convinced.

Aibu to tell her to put a pair of jeans on? Or should I bite the bullet and let her wear what she wants?

m.shein.co.uk/SHEIN-Crisscross-Back-Ruched-Dress-p-3026908-cat-1727.html?scici=Search~~SuggestionSearch~~1~~Strappy%20White%20Dress~~SMSearchWordsSuggest~~0

OP posts:
liveforsummer · 10/10/2021 13:09

It's not even revealing with a baggy hoodie though, and they plan to be inside. It's just the same amount of skin on show as most 14 year olds school skirts (and I mean the ones that aren't rolled up 5 times)

toocold54 · 10/10/2021 13:12

You would put a five year old in that? What are you trying to do? Serve her up a sacrificial lamb to pedophiles?

@CaptSkippy
That’s disgusting thing to say!! No one who dresses their child in a dress or shorts are trying to encourage peados to rape their 5 year old FFS!!!

So you think peados and men can’t help raping girls and women - so we should dress in a way as to not encourage them to rape us?
Am I not allowed to show any skin and if I do am I asking to be raped?

You do realise most sexual predators/peados/rapist are the ones in your family and friends - and they attack when you’re alone regardless of what you’re wearing.

mbosnz · 10/10/2021 13:19

Do you honestly think you've raised children so stupid, they cannot tell when they are too cold? Who have to be told that they have been brainwashed into thinking that they want to wear something, when really they don't?

How much of this is about how we worry about how we will be perceived as parents, because our children aren't making what would be deemed 'right' respectable choices?

Bizawit · 10/10/2021 13:19

@MrsMcGarry

I used to wish they respected themselves

You have no idea from looking at them whether they respected themselves.

What you mean is "I used to wish they presented themselves in ways that fit my definition of respectful"

Exactly this.
godmum56 · 10/10/2021 13:25

@Rupertpenrysmistress

It is what a lot of girls are wearing and as you say covered up with a hoodie. My dd also 13 nearly 14 wears dresses that length but not with the same top (more covered) but they seem to keep their hoodies on. If my dd was wearing the dress alone I would say no, but mine covers up. As an aside why did you let her get the dress if you now don't want her to wear it?
that's what i thought
DeepaBeesKit · 10/10/2021 13:36

That dress looks like a stripper dress to me so I would have absolutely had a problem with that on a 13 year old.

This.

DeepaBeesKit · 10/10/2021 13:39

I clearly live in a different world as my niece is 12 and none of her friends dress like this. The closest they get to a cropped top is a jumper brushing the hip bones, worn with jeans. They dress far more conservatively, it's a mini mint velvet look not a mini 19 year on a club night look.

BarefootHippieChick · 10/10/2021 13:41

Being a parent of young girls is walking a fine line between wanting them to wear what they like and be comfortable with their own bodies, and knowing they'll unfortunately be shamed and ogled no matter what they wear.

liveforsummer · 10/10/2021 13:44

@BarefootHippieChick how often do you actually see all your nieces friends? Because round here even the 8 year olds (dd is 8 so I know plenty) are generally wearing cropped tops etc

mbosnz · 10/10/2021 13:44

@BarefootHippieChick

Being a parent of young girls is walking a fine line between wanting them to wear what they like and be comfortable with their own bodies, and knowing they'll unfortunately be shamed and ogled no matter what they wear.
Exactly.
AngelDelight28 · 10/10/2021 13:46

This isn't about slut shaming though, no one is slut shaming a 13 year old, it's about safeguarding.
Whether we like it or not clothes have associations. That dress would be suitable for an 18 year old going clubbing, a 13 year old, no. It's not right that the fashion industry and media sexualise girls so young.

justasking111 · 10/10/2021 13:47

@Bizawit

I used to wish they respected themselves

Classic example of slut shaming.

Well if it walks like a duck. Seriously why do young girls have such low self-esteem. They throw themselves at lads who frankly are not good enough for them. I've seen it often enough.

Eg a teenage party at our house DS went to bed early he was getting over mono a friends daughter honed in in him went to his bedroom stripped off and climbed in. He said no way so she tried to get him interested. Yep he told us. I was sad she had felt she needed to do that

justasking111 · 10/10/2021 13:48

@AngelDelight28

This isn't about slut shaming though, no one is slut shaming a 13 year old, it's about safeguarding. Whether we like it or not clothes have associations. That dress would be suitable for an 18 year old going clubbing, a 13 year old, no. It's not right that the fashion industry and media sexualise girls so young.
I agree there
DeepaBeesKit · 10/10/2021 13:58

Also clothing at age 13 should be functional. Its October, it's not warm out, as a minimum she would need thick tights or leggings and a warm jumper, it's not even suitable clothing for the weather.

parentinghelp1 · 10/10/2021 13:58

Whether we like it or not clothes have associations

This. And it pisses me off people try and deny it and act otherwise.

If it weren't the case why do we bother wearing suits to work? To look professional - but if clothes didn't give off connotations and judgements why don't we just wear our pyjamas to work?

Like it or not sexual clothing gives off sexual vibes and people will judge as a result of it and make assumptions.

MrsMcGarry · 10/10/2021 14:00

@BoredZelda

Rather than slut-shaming a 13 year old who simply wants to wear clothes she looks and feels good in, talk to your sons about not being entitled to grope women or girls no matter what they are wearing.

Fair, but you might also want to talk to a 13 year old about why she wants to wear revealing clothes. Understanding beauty isn’t just about wearing certain types of clothes is quite an important conversation. I could understand on a sunny day not wanting to cover up, but to wear this type of outfit in winter is not about just feeling good in clothes, it is about wearing an outfit for how it looks, not for how comfortable you feel in it as she would be shivering all day.

Totally agree with this actually, though I actually don't have a problem with girls and women wearing outfits that make them look good. As long as they have a healthy idea of what looking good means rather than just wanting to conform to the expectations of a patriarchal society. (And I'd argue that responding as some others have on this thread with a 13 yo can't wear clothes that an 18 yo would wear to pick up men is buying in to that patriarchal societal expectations)

My 19yo is usually found atm in tight waisted flared jeans and a variety of clinging, sleeveless, but often high necked cropped tops. She wears them because she feels good about how she looks in them because they show off the incredibly impressive definition of her arm and shoulder muscles and her toned abs.

ineedsun · 10/10/2021 14:04

@Essen

13 year old boys don’t need to wear tight, uncomfortable, cold clothing to feel good about themselves. Why do girls?
Bless you, I saw groups of varying ages of lads yesterday- all of them looked like they’d shrunk their clothes in the wash.

Of course some boys feel the pressure to wear skin tight clothes because that’s what’s trendy now.

Creamsoda77 · 10/10/2021 14:05

Let her wear it?

BoredZelda · 10/10/2021 14:18

Because round here even the 8 year olds (dd is 8 so I know plenty) are generally wearing cropped tops etc

Which is probably because that’s all that’s available for them to choose from. I went looking for t-shirts for my 12 year old last week, and the vast majority in the girls section were crop tops. Thankfully she is happy to shop “boy” section so we got some that didn’t flash her stomach.

Bizawit · 10/10/2021 14:19

@AngelDelight28

This isn't about slut shaming though, no one is slut shaming a 13 year old, it's about safeguarding. Whether we like it or not clothes have associations. That dress would be suitable for an 18 year old going clubbing, a 13 year old, no. It's not right that the fashion industry and media sexualise girls so young.
You say this isn’t about “slut shaming”. Did you see the very next comment under yours?

**Well if it walks like a duck. Seriously why do young girls have such low self-esteem. They throw themselves at lads who frankly are not good enough for them. I've seen it often enough.

Eg a teenage party at our house DS went to bed early he was getting over mono a friends daughter honed in in him went to his bedroom stripped off and climbed in. He said no way so she tried to get him interested. Yep he told us. I was sad she had felt she needed to do that**

Absolutely appalling @justasking , honestly you should be ashamed of yourself.

BoredZelda · 10/10/2021 14:20

Like it or not sexual clothing gives off sexual vibes and people will judge as a result of it and make assumptions.

Like it or not, people can wear clothes and not give a crap what assumptions others make. Your judgement is your problem, not theirs.

parentinghelp1 · 10/10/2021 14:26

@BoredZelda

Like it or not sexual clothing gives off sexual vibes and people will judge as a result of it and make assumptions.

Like it or not, people can wear clothes and not give a crap what assumptions others make. Your judgement is your problem, not theirs.

Yes of course and the judgment they'll get on social media by everyone else to fuck up their insecurities is all everyone else's problem isn't it - it's always someone else's problem Hmm
FreeBritnee · 10/10/2021 14:27

Good I’m so sick of people suggesting others need to be ‘ashamed of themselves’. I see this so frequently on this site and it’s starting to grind every gear and boil every millilitre of piss I possess. Stop with the shaming full stop. Be it slut shaming or opinion shaming. It’s detrimental to people’s mental health.

parentinghelp1 · 10/10/2021 14:28

@BoredZelda would you make an assumption of your solicitor turned up in jogging bottoms and t shirt?

Or your doctor turned up in a Halloween costume?

Assumptions based ok how people present themselves are human nature id hate to break it to you.

toocold54 · 10/10/2021 14:28

Like it or not sexual clothing gives off sexual vibes and people will judge as a result of it and make assumptions.

This is the same shit that men say to try and justify their actions.
All that will be on show is her legs - how is that any different to wearing shorts? Or is that too sexual as well?

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