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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel v unwelcome

236 replies

ohthestruggles · 09/10/2021 17:51

I have posted before about my dysfunctional family situation (alcoholic, verbally abusive father and bystander mother) however today I feel has been the final straw. Went to my nephews birthday party (he is autistic) and we obviously took our baby with us. My nephew has said before he doesn't like the baby, feels jealous, just hates babies apparently. Well I took my baby into the kitchen whilst he was eating and he started screaming to get out, that he was going to be sick at the sight of the baby and 'THIS IS WHY I DIDN'T WANT THE BABY TO COME!' He won't even call him by his name 🤦🏼‍♀️

I was upset but apparently this is part of his autism so I just took us off into another room. I had to change DS nappy, as soon as the changing mat came out BIL says 'oh Christ I'm off, can't stand nappy changes' 🙄 I'm not sure where we were actually welcome in that house today. I decided we would stay to feed my son and have some food ourselves and just leave as we were clearly not welcome. Whilst feeding my baby my father (horrible man, zero relationship, generally would be fine to have no contact with him) asked me when I was going back to work. I told him and he rolled his eyes and laughed, telling me I had a 'bloody great life' and don't know what work is. Hmm I have a year of maternity and my annual leave entitlement. I worked full time before DS was born. Not sure why he feels I am unworthy of maternity leave. He then asked me when I was leaving. This isn't new behaviour for him, he's a nasty piece of shit. I am one of three and I seem to be the only one who gets dealt this shitty treatment, the others are used to it and I honestly don't think it crosses their mind that this is abnormal behaviour towards one of your children! I love my mum, we have a good relationship and I see more of her than my siblings do but why does she just stand by and let this happen? I want NC but I love her Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
ohthestruggles · 09/10/2021 17:53

If anybody could cast some light over wether babies are genuinely an issue for autistic children that would also be great. I struggle to understand and sympathise when it's my own little baby being screamed about.

OP posts:
WomanStanleyWoman · 09/10/2021 17:57

Your dad and BIL sound like nasty pieces of work. But why did you ‘obviously’ take your baby when you knew your nephew actively didn’t want him there? It feels like you forced the issue and then got upset when the inevitable happened.

ThreeLittleDots · 09/10/2021 17:58

Sorry OP, you may get people saying you shouldn't have brought your baby to autistic nephew's birthday when you know he doesn't like him.. and also that changing a nappy in a living room is disgusting, but that's not really the main point of your post.

I don't know why your mother stays with a horrible person, but you can only control your own actions.

FairyHuck · 09/10/2021 17:58

Why do you think your nephew would make it up?

Yes, it's certainly possible that your nephew has a dislike of babies. My autistic son struggles with even discussing anything to do with anatomy. Arms and legs is fine but anything inside the body my Ds finds really difficult to talk about, it makes him feel "uncomfortable ".

I'm sorry your father is a twat. There's no excuse fir who's behaviour
But have a little patience with your nephew please, he could well grow out of it as your baby grows
Congratulations on your baby btw

Original poster
ohthestruggles · 09/10/2021 17:58

@WomanStanleyWoman my sister didn't tell me that it would be an issue taking my baby. She did forewarn both me and my brother not to take our dogs as he hates them but she never mentioned that my son would cause such upset otherwise I genuinely wouldn't have gone. They have been in the same room/house before and whilst he doesn't want to hold or play with him he has never kicked up such a fuss.

OP posts:
Original poster
ohthestruggles · 09/10/2021 17:59

Is changing a soggy nappy really an issue? Confused

OP posts:
FairyHuck · 09/10/2021 18:00

His behaviour*

girlmom21 · 09/10/2021 18:04

I can understand your brother in law and your nephews responses to be fair.

Your dad sounds like a bit of an arsehole but could he have been trying to joke with you about work?
If you're very sensitive to your family (I'm not saying that as a slight to you) do you often leave gatherings first? Could this be why he asked, as in 'how long will it be before you go off in a sulk?'
Again, not that he's right. That'd be a dick approach too.

Ragwort · 09/10/2021 18:06

Changing a nappy in someone else's sitting room is really not very pleasant. I would not be at all impressed if a guest in my house did that.

Justilou1 · 09/10/2021 18:07

While I’m not discounting your nephew’s autism, he probably says that he “hates” your baby and acts out towards you like he does because he has seen father and BIL being utter fartbuckets and he thinks he can get away with being vile too. Do these males treat your sister with so much disrespect?

Original poster
ohthestruggles · 09/10/2021 18:08

@girlmom21 definitely not joking. He likes to tell me often that I 'have it made' because my DP owns his own business. My dad thinks my DP is 'rich' and that I've fallen into a great situation, which is not the case atall. When I still stayed at home he kicked a dent in the side of my car during an argument and told me to never come back. He's not a father having a joke.

OP posts:
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 09/10/2021 18:08

You said that you knew your nephew didn't like your baby, he has autism and it was his birthday so you decided to go along with your baby. Surely you knew something like this would happen?

I also understand your BIL, yes it's just a soggy nappy but no one really wants to see it and no one enjoys it.

Your Dad on the other hand is a prick.

tobedtoMNandfart · 09/10/2021 18:09

I think you've had a bit of a harsh response here.
I can understand why the combination of treatments was hurtful.
I would decline further invites. As you get on well with your M perhaps you could explain your reasons to her.

Original poster
ohthestruggles · 09/10/2021 18:10

@WhenISnappedAndFarted I knew he wasn't going to coo over him but I have said up thread that they have been in the same house and room before and never evoked such a reaction. He simply ignored him previously. This is why I didn't foresee something like this happening and hopefully either did my sister as she invited us all.

OP posts:
Original poster
ohthestruggles · 09/10/2021 18:11

@Justilou1

While I’m not discounting your nephew’s autism, he probably says that he “hates” your baby and acts out towards you like he does because he has seen father and BIL being utter fartbuckets and he thinks he can get away with being vile too. Do these males treat your sister with so much disrespect?
Yes my BIL is controlling and make chauvinistic.
OP posts:
OnwardsAndSideways1 · 09/10/2021 18:15

For those saying don't take the baby, so is the Op supposed to go without her partner or child, for how long? Surely the onus is on the other parents to manage the child's behaviour to some extent? I mean I took my baby to an event and unfortunately my friend's relative who has autism and Down's syndrome took a dislike to her and whacked her, I just removed my baby, and the parents moved their child. No-one made me feel bad that I'd brought the baby or suggested I shouldn't bring them again.

Your family sound really difficult, OP and I would probably try to see your mum on her own, I know you probably feel fed up she doesn't protect you more, but ultimately you have to decide if you want to go NC with all of them and perhaps you don't, I would avoid your dad though.

I would change a nappy upstairs/in a bathroom though.

hiredandsqueak · 09/10/2021 18:18

Well I have two children with autism who wouldn't mind your baby but I can understand why your nephew might not like to be around them. Babies are unpredictable, they make noises and smells that might be very difficult sensory wise for your nephew. My two would run a mile if a baby vomited or you changed a nappy in their presence likewise if you decided to breast feed your baby because fundamentally they don't want to see hear or smell anything that to them should be done well away from them. Your nephew might not have the words to explain why but he made it clear how he felt so on his birthday I think it would have been kind to respect his wishes.

Reduceddutiesboredom · 09/10/2021 18:18

Babies can be a trigger for a person with autism - their crying, unpredictable behaviours, smelly nappies etc could all be triggers.
Buuuuut, babies are part of life and I would not expect anyone to never bring their child to a family event. Sounds like something the parents need to work on - social stories, build in calming activities while baby is at the same event etc.

Your father sounds like a dick, if you can maintain a relationship with your mum (and the rest of the family) without seeing him then I’d do that. Avoid him at family events and ignore his pish!

premierinnfan · 09/10/2021 18:20

I think YABU to be upset about an autistic child disliking your baby.
I also appreciate a lot of people don't like nappy changes.
I think you probably have a dysfunctional family dynamic and that you are more highly attuned to slights and I'm not sure it was intentional in this case.
You father may be a shit but I don't think the comment you've quoted is too awful but in the context of your history it's triggered you.

EatSleepRantRepeat · 09/10/2021 18:22

I'm an autistic adult and really struggle with babies and children - unexpected loud noises, smells, and seeing children eating makes me gag. Your dad sounds like a tit with his behaviour though.

Mamamia7962 · 09/10/2021 18:23

I think your nephew was struggling with everybody being there anyway and that is why he had a meltdown over your baby. If I was at someone else's house I always changed my baby's nappy upstairs out of the way.

Your father sounds horrible. You don't have to put up with that sort of behaviour from him. If you want to go NC with him then do that and explain to your mum that you won't be seeing him anymore until he can be civil to you.

WomanStanleyWoman · 09/10/2021 18:23

For those saying don't take the baby, so is the Op supposed to go without her partner or child, for how long?

People do. Or she didn’t have to go at all.

SirGawain · 09/10/2021 18:24

The whole bunch of them clearly have form. If anyone, let alone family, treated me or mine like that they would be out of my life.

Sleepyquest · 09/10/2021 18:25

I don't know why you're getting a hard time on here OP. If I were you, I would stop going to family events. Sounds like you get nothing out of them except abuse. Why bother?!
I appreciate your nephew is autistic but your baby is his cousin and so his mother should encourage him to be more accepting and not just go along with it because of 'autism'.

Ditch them all!

Theunamedcat · 09/10/2021 18:26

My son is autistic he is not mad keen on babies he got jealous when I was feeding my friends baby he told me straight I needed to hand "that baby" back to "her" (he knows my friends name he just disapproves of her since she had a baby) I responded by saying I was feeding baby x right now but he could sit by me if he wanted to (he wedged himself on my lap as far as he could) we have recently seen them again now baby is a little older he now refers to him as "the baby" so he is warming up a little the older he gets 😂 I wouldn't tolerate an extreme reaction from him without being firm that we do not respond like that if he isnt having a meltdown its perfectly reasonable to manage expectations such as our friend has a baby

Changing a nappy isn't an issue in my house we always had open access to a bed or just change the baby on your lap

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