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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel v unwelcome

236 replies

ohthestruggles · 09/10/2021 17:51

I have posted before about my dysfunctional family situation (alcoholic, verbally abusive father and bystander mother) however today I feel has been the final straw. Went to my nephews birthday party (he is autistic) and we obviously took our baby with us. My nephew has said before he doesn't like the baby, feels jealous, just hates babies apparently. Well I took my baby into the kitchen whilst he was eating and he started screaming to get out, that he was going to be sick at the sight of the baby and 'THIS IS WHY I DIDN'T WANT THE BABY TO COME!' He won't even call him by his name 🤦🏼‍♀️

I was upset but apparently this is part of his autism so I just took us off into another room. I had to change DS nappy, as soon as the changing mat came out BIL says 'oh Christ I'm off, can't stand nappy changes' 🙄 I'm not sure where we were actually welcome in that house today. I decided we would stay to feed my son and have some food ourselves and just leave as we were clearly not welcome. Whilst feeding my baby my father (horrible man, zero relationship, generally would be fine to have no contact with him) asked me when I was going back to work. I told him and he rolled his eyes and laughed, telling me I had a 'bloody great life' and don't know what work is. Hmm I have a year of maternity and my annual leave entitlement. I worked full time before DS was born. Not sure why he feels I am unworthy of maternity leave. He then asked me when I was leaving. This isn't new behaviour for him, he's a nasty piece of shit. I am one of three and I seem to be the only one who gets dealt this shitty treatment, the others are used to it and I honestly don't think it crosses their mind that this is abnormal behaviour towards one of your children! I love my mum, we have a good relationship and I see more of her than my siblings do but why does she just stand by and let this happen? I want NC but I love her Angry

OP posts:
Pythonista · 09/10/2021 19:00

Where should she change her baby?! In the garden! Get a fcking grip*

Do they not have a bathroom?

Yummymummy2020 · 09/10/2021 19:01

I think some of the replies are harsh. Personally I don’t mind anyone changing a baby in my living room but I have two under two and so do it myself constantly anyway. Your dad sounds awful and there was no reason your sister couldn’t have been more kind regardless of your nephew. The reality is he will have to be around babies in life I would imagine at some other point anyway, even if it’s just the doctors or the shop. It was his birthday but it dosent mean guests should be treated badly by the parents anyway.

Kanaloa · 09/10/2021 19:01

@ChipPotts

My autistic dd likes babies but her friend whose autism is more severe cannot cope with babies at all.

Those posters suggesting that the nephew's parents just need to sort out his difficulty with babies as if it was some sort of bad behaviour have clearly no experience of parenting a child with ASD. These issues are caused by sensory overload and there is no easy cure for this. I wish there was.

I have eight years worth of experience parenting a child with autism. None of that experience involves standing by lamely shrugging and saying ‘but he’s autistic.’

My son struggles with toddlers and babies because he doesn’t know how to react to them. We teach him that when he is overwhelmed he can hold my hand and squash it and then we will go into the garden for ‘fresh air.’ Before sil baby came along we watched videos of babies and talked about what the baby will do/look like/sound like.

If he started screaming that he hated the baby I would remove him to another room to calm down.

Parenting a child with autism is (in my experience) twice as hard as parenting a NT child. If you’re just shrugging off behaviour like this, allowing the child to watch inappropriate content, letting him scream at a baby when he is capable of explaining his feelings and tolerating the baby as he had before - then you’re just opting out of parenting your child and helping them cope.

onelittlefrog · 09/10/2021 19:01

Your nephew might well have an issue with babies for whatever reason. But the fact that he's autistic doesn't mean it's OK for him to be rude to you.

A friend of mine has three children with autism and although of course in their house autism is respected and actually often celebrated, that kind of rudeness would not be tolerated - even if it was their birthday and even if they had a genuine issue with babies.

There would be some kind of plan in place for the fact that the baby is coming and what he should do if he sees it and it makes him feel uncomfortable (i.e. remove himself from the situation, go and get a parent, etc.) and he would know that it's not OK to shout at you like that, because it would all be made very clear ahead of time.

So no, the way he treated you wasn't OK - this is down to his parents not handling the situation properly.

Original poster
ohthestruggles · 09/10/2021 19:02

@Pythonista I have said up thread that the nappy thing is noted and I didn't think, won't do it again.

OP posts:
TReXX · 09/10/2021 19:03

You said that you knew your nephew didn't like your baby, he has autism and it was his birthday so you decided to go along with your baby. Surely you knew something like this would happen?"

Yes OP, really selfish of you to do this on his birthday.

As for your ridiculous question generalising about whether autistic people don't like babies ... Some do, some don't, just like anyone else. You know what they say, if you've met one autistic person, you've met one autistic person.

I can't stand other people's babies and wouldn't be thrilled to see someone changing a shitty nappy in my living room either. I wouldn't kick up a fuss about it but I wouldn't be best pleased...

Listener2021 · 09/10/2021 19:05

@ohthestruggles

Is changing a soggy nappy really an issue? Confused
Yes.
Original poster
ohthestruggles · 09/10/2021 19:05

@TReXX I don't think it is ridiculous to openly say I don't understand and ask the question. If I was ridiculous I would say 'autistic children shouldn't have an issue with babies'

OP posts:
Minniem2020 · 09/10/2021 19:06

I'm probably missing the point of the thread here but I'm really struggling to see what the problem is with changing a wet nappy in a living room. Seriously what kind of family is it where you can't even feel comfortable doing that. I'd be gutted if I thought any of my friends or family didn't feel like they could.

DebbieHarrysCheekbones · 09/10/2021 19:06

I would just leave them all to it and breathe a sigh of relief

Pythonista · 09/10/2021 19:06

[quote ohthestruggles]@Pythonista I have said up thread that the nappy thing is noted and I didn't think, won't do it again. [/quote]
Still, you clearly don't like him or his parents so avoid them in future.

Loving that being autistic is no excuse apparently Hmm

DebbieHarrysCheekbones · 09/10/2021 19:07

@Minniem2020

I'm probably missing the point of the thread here but I'm really struggling to see what the problem is with changing a wet nappy in a living room. Seriously what kind of family is it where you can't even feel comfortable doing that. I'd be gutted if I thought any of my friends or family didn't feel like they could.
I agree Some of the prissy uptight claptrap I’ve read on here about nappy changing …….
Pythonista · 09/10/2021 19:07

@Minniem2020

I'm probably missing the point of the thread here but I'm really struggling to see what the problem is with changing a wet nappy in a living room. Seriously what kind of family is it where you can't even feel comfortable doing that. I'd be gutted if I thought any of my friends or family didn't feel like they could.
It's rude and should be done in the bathroom unless you know that people are fine with it.
Pythonista · 09/10/2021 19:08

If someone did it in my house, they wouldn't be back

DebbieHarrysCheekbones · 09/10/2021 19:08

@Pythonista

If someone did it in my house, they wouldn't be back
They’d probably not want to return tbh
SomethingNastyInTheBallPool · 09/10/2021 19:09

I don’t think you did anything wrong,
OP, and your father sounds awful.

My daughter is autistic and won’t be in the same room as a baby. She loves them in theory but just can’t cope with the noise - whether it’s happy squawks or crying. It makes wider family gatherings very difficult.

Pythonista · 09/10/2021 19:09

Well then that saves a lot of time. But then I wouldn't be that pleased if someone brought a baby round

SomethingNastyInTheBallPool · 09/10/2021 19:10

And I wouldn’t give a shit if someone changed a baby’s wet nappy in the living room. Poos should be dealt with out of sight, though.

TReXX · 09/10/2021 19:10

My point was that you are generalising.
You obviously have no understanding of or empathy for autistic people.

Maybe you should just leave your poor nephew alone in future.

Original poster
ohthestruggles · 09/10/2021 19:11

@Pythonista I don't think it's fair to say I don't like him. He was once a pudgy little toddler that I took everywhere with me and we had a great relationship until I had my own child. As he has gotten older I find his behaviour harder to understand, is it so bad to say I don't understand? I have acknowledged that I don't understand his behaviour sometimes and find it difficult when it's my baby being screamed about. I don't think that you can use autism as an excuse for poor behaviour such as swearing. I do like my sister, she just lets her son watch really inappropriate content.

OP posts:
Chachachawoo · 09/10/2021 19:11

I would limit contact with them and try and see you mum alone.
Don't wait for your dad to say or do something vile in front of your son. Why subject him or yourself to this sort of behaviour.

black2black · 09/10/2021 19:12

@Ragwort

Changing a nappy in someone else's sitting room is really not very pleasant. I would not be at all impressed if a guest in my house did that.
For real?? I don’t see the problem with this. I always have done it at any friend or families house. Where else am I expected to change my baby?
Pythonista · 09/10/2021 19:13

[quote ohthestruggles]@Pythonista I don't think it's fair to say I don't like him. He was once a pudgy little toddler that I took everywhere with me and we had a great relationship until I had my own child. As he has gotten older I find his behaviour harder to understand, is it so bad to say I don't understand? I have acknowledged that I don't understand his behaviour sometimes and find it difficult when it's my baby being screamed about. I don't think that you can use autism as an excuse for poor behaviour such as swearing. I do like my sister, she just lets her son watch really inappropriate content. [/quote]
It doesn't seem hard to understand - babies are loud and unpredictable. Some autistic people can't handle loud and unpredictable. And if they go into sensory overload, then they have a meltdown.

The other behaviour is up to his parents to sort.

FateHasRedesignedMost · 09/10/2021 19:13

I'm probably missing the point of the thread here but I'm really struggling to see what the problem is with changing a wet nappy in a living room

If it’s a birthday party not everyone wants to see a nappy being changed in the lounge. And even if it isn’t a party, many people don’t want to risk wee or poo getting onto their rug or carpet (surprising how many babies wait until the nappy is off to do a poo! Trying to air the room isn’t much fun).

Nightbringer · 09/10/2021 19:14

[quote ohthestruggles]@TReXX I don't think it is ridiculous to openly say I don't understand and ask the question. If I was ridiculous I would say 'autistic children shouldn't have an issue with babies' [/quote]
Its ridiculous because all autistic people are different. My ds hates gravy. Doesn't mean all autistic children hate gravy.

If your child develops a dislike of anything coloured red, doesn't mean all children go through a phase of disliking red.

Autistic children are children. They aren't all one hive mind that react the same to the same things.

As I said, everyone could post that their autistic children like babies. Doesn't matter.

And also, you clearly don't understand sensory overload and that he could rect differently to your baby in a different situation. Fact is, you sister could have stepped in immediately (though you haven't said she didnt) and he had already screamed. You were already offended by that point and already going down the road of 'I am not welcome here'.