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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel v unwelcome

236 replies

ohthestruggles · 09/10/2021 17:51

I have posted before about my dysfunctional family situation (alcoholic, verbally abusive father and bystander mother) however today I feel has been the final straw. Went to my nephews birthday party (he is autistic) and we obviously took our baby with us. My nephew has said before he doesn't like the baby, feels jealous, just hates babies apparently. Well I took my baby into the kitchen whilst he was eating and he started screaming to get out, that he was going to be sick at the sight of the baby and 'THIS IS WHY I DIDN'T WANT THE BABY TO COME!' He won't even call him by his name 🤦🏼‍♀️

I was upset but apparently this is part of his autism so I just took us off into another room. I had to change DS nappy, as soon as the changing mat came out BIL says 'oh Christ I'm off, can't stand nappy changes' 🙄 I'm not sure where we were actually welcome in that house today. I decided we would stay to feed my son and have some food ourselves and just leave as we were clearly not welcome. Whilst feeding my baby my father (horrible man, zero relationship, generally would be fine to have no contact with him) asked me when I was going back to work. I told him and he rolled his eyes and laughed, telling me I had a 'bloody great life' and don't know what work is. Hmm I have a year of maternity and my annual leave entitlement. I worked full time before DS was born. Not sure why he feels I am unworthy of maternity leave. He then asked me when I was leaving. This isn't new behaviour for him, he's a nasty piece of shit. I am one of three and I seem to be the only one who gets dealt this shitty treatment, the others are used to it and I honestly don't think it crosses their mind that this is abnormal behaviour towards one of your children! I love my mum, we have a good relationship and I see more of her than my siblings do but why does she just stand by and let this happen? I want NC but I love her Angry

OP posts:
Innocenta · 09/10/2021 19:49

The level of pandering some people on MN want to apply to kids with autism is honestly just insulting. How are they supposed to grow up into people who will, at some point, exist in the adult world? No one is saying that OP's nephew has to like or love babies - plenty of people don't - but he will, in fact, have to share spaces with them at intervals. For the rest of his life. They are just one part of humankind and it's utterly irrational and excessive to think all babies should be kept away from him because he's autistic.

If he chooses to leave a room that contains a baby, fair enough - it would be wrong to force him to stay in proximity. But it doesn't help anyone to have everything arranged to their precise liking for the short duration of their childhood ... only to find that that will never be the case when they're adults.

annieannietomjoe · 09/10/2021 19:49

I would say in that situation your DF is a dick but it's a tricky one with ASD kids...that is part of his autism and I don't know his age but obviously he will need to learn to deal with that in real life but I don't think it was appropriate to take a baby to his party, if me I would have declined if I couldn't find cover for my baby.

Sounds like a crappy time and I'm sorry you have to deal with this. ASD is a condition that is what it is but adults behaving like that to family is cruel.

IrishMel · 09/10/2021 19:50

meant to say 'but know how it would get to you'

girlmom21 · 09/10/2021 19:51

@Getyourownback your aggressive post is much worse than anything I've said.

Sometimes when you're in shitty toxic relationships you can't see the wood for the trees. I offered an alternative perspective which the OP replied to, respectfully, because she's not a massive arse.

MichelleScarn · 09/10/2021 19:52

TF @Getyourownback for your response, bloody twilight zone here with some posts, particularly the shock and horror of a nappy being changed in a living room from some!

Pythonista · 09/10/2021 19:53

It's easy enough to avoid babies as an adult. Not completely of course but certainly they can be avoided 99% of the time. That will be up to him to manage as an adult.

I think the way people are speaking about an autistic child is horrible.

Peoniesandpeaches · 09/10/2021 19:53

@Pythonista

If someone did it in my house, they wouldn't be back
Doubtful anyone with a baby would visit you since you make your dislike so clear
Pythonista · 09/10/2021 19:53

@MichelleScarn

TF *@Getyourownback* for your response, bloody twilight zone here with some posts, particularly the shock and horror of a nappy being changed in a living room from some!
Would you mind if someone walked into your room and peed on the floor?
Pythonista · 09/10/2021 19:55

Thankfully they don't. It's not a dislike. It's a reaction to them because I too have autism and the unpredictability freaks me out.

But it's okay as I don't inflict it on anyone as I stop friendships when people become pregnant

black2black · 09/10/2021 19:56

@Pythonista

Thankfully they don't. It's not a dislike. It's a reaction to them because I too have autism and the unpredictability freaks me out.

But it's okay as I don't inflict it on anyone as I stop friendships when people become pregnant

Shock
samwitwicky · 09/10/2021 19:56

OP just wondering, are you the middle child?

Original poster
ohthestruggles · 09/10/2021 19:56

I am the youngest of three.

OP posts:
Yahyahs22 · 09/10/2021 19:58

My autistic nephew is besotted with my son. Excited for the new one to arrive too. He's on the higher end of autism

IrishMel · 09/10/2021 19:59

He should not be watching Squid Games, shocking that he is not giving more attention and he should not be allowed to swear and do what he wants just because he has autism. Still needs to be parented. All the adults sound just vile, avoid and just see your mum and put your own little family first. I do not see family much but text and do talk on phone with one sister as just easier to avoid as not worth the mental trauma of been told what to do and how to do it. Just try to put it out of your mind now. He is still trying to bully you now. Laugh if there is a next time and say nice to see you are still a bully. But make sure someone there with you as these narcissistic bullies do not like to be called out. Enjoy your evening. Some people have no empathy and most of those are bullies also so ignore comments that on here that are trying to blame you.

Pythonista · 09/10/2021 19:59

@black2black Why the shock?

black2black · 09/10/2021 20:00

[quote Pythonista]@black2black Why the shock?[/quote]
You stop being friends with people when they become pregnant?

Italiandreams · 09/10/2021 20:01

Thing is, the OP was invited to the party. The responsibility for awareness of the child’s triggers lies with his parents who invited the OP. The OP left the room when the baby was upsetting her nephew which really is as much as her responsibility goes.

Most people are fine with nappy changes anywhere, some people are not so from now on the OP will check first. I think a couple of posters are slightly fixating on this issue and protecting how they would feel. Not everyone feels the same way which is why from now on the OP can ask.

IrishMel · 09/10/2021 20:01

Op funny you say you are the youngest. so am I the youngest. That makes them think they can still treat us as they are in charge and think you need to just see them when absolutely necessary but try to get your mum over to yours but do not talk about your dad unless she wants to. She probably knows she should have left years ago but so ground down by the lot of them. She has to live with him day in day out. Must be hell so she is desentized to it all.

MichelleScarn · 09/10/2021 20:01

@Pythonista why are you so fixated on this? If they lacked bladder control and capacity to understand what they were doing, no I probably wouldn't.

SpidersAreShitheads · 09/10/2021 20:02

I agree @Pythonista - some of the ableist comments on this thread are utterly depressing.

This child had a meltdown, not a tantrum. Birthdays can be very over stimulating and hard to manage for autistic children, even if they’re looking forward to the day. An autistic meltdown is a child in extreme distress, not a child who’s in control of their actions. The idea he should just be made to somehow “behave” when he’s in such distress shows a real lack of understanding of what autism is.

Pythonista · 09/10/2021 20:02

Yes. The alternative is continue to be friends with them while not wanting anything to do with the most important thing in their lives. How would that work? It's for their sake as much as mine

Luckily it's not an issue these days as I am 50 and most of my friends are a similar age.

wildthingsinthenight · 09/10/2021 20:02

Thank you Getyourownback
What a nasty den of vipers this thread is (mainly pythons Hmm)
OP Flowers you are getting a very hard time on here. Your dad and BIL sound vile.
Please don't put yourself in that position again. See your mum on your terms but not the others.
Your poor nephew sounds as if he was at his limit, sensory wise and the party was probably stressful for him hence his more extreme reaction. You offered to leave and others encouraged you to stay.
I think you've probably learned a few things since this party.
Please ignore the nastiness on hereFlowers

IrishMel · 09/10/2021 20:02

'desensitized'

Peoniesandpeaches · 09/10/2021 20:03

@Pythonista

Thankfully they don't. It's not a dislike. It's a reaction to them because I too have autism and the unpredictability freaks me out.

But it's okay as I don't inflict it on anyone as I stop friendships when people become pregnant

That’s the point though you want nothing to do with them but instead of limiting your reply to the fact you feel posters are making ableist statements you’re shitting all over everything the OP has said and rapid fire responding. Most people don’t have an issue with a soggy nappy being changed in a living room let alone feel that someone who does it is so insufferably rude they should be banned from their house.
Pythonista · 09/10/2021 20:04

[quote MichelleScarn]@Pythonista why are you so fixated on this? If they lacked bladder control and capacity to understand what they were doing, no I probably wouldn't.[/quote]
Yes but that isn't the case in that the child has a nappy on so they aren't being 'caught short'. The nappy change can wait a couple of minutes that it takes to get to the bathroom to change the nappy.