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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel v unwelcome

236 replies

ohthestruggles · 09/10/2021 17:51

I have posted before about my dysfunctional family situation (alcoholic, verbally abusive father and bystander mother) however today I feel has been the final straw. Went to my nephews birthday party (he is autistic) and we obviously took our baby with us. My nephew has said before he doesn't like the baby, feels jealous, just hates babies apparently. Well I took my baby into the kitchen whilst he was eating and he started screaming to get out, that he was going to be sick at the sight of the baby and 'THIS IS WHY I DIDN'T WANT THE BABY TO COME!' He won't even call him by his name 🤦🏼‍♀️

I was upset but apparently this is part of his autism so I just took us off into another room. I had to change DS nappy, as soon as the changing mat came out BIL says 'oh Christ I'm off, can't stand nappy changes' 🙄 I'm not sure where we were actually welcome in that house today. I decided we would stay to feed my son and have some food ourselves and just leave as we were clearly not welcome. Whilst feeding my baby my father (horrible man, zero relationship, generally would be fine to have no contact with him) asked me when I was going back to work. I told him and he rolled his eyes and laughed, telling me I had a 'bloody great life' and don't know what work is. Hmm I have a year of maternity and my annual leave entitlement. I worked full time before DS was born. Not sure why he feels I am unworthy of maternity leave. He then asked me when I was leaving. This isn't new behaviour for him, he's a nasty piece of shit. I am one of three and I seem to be the only one who gets dealt this shitty treatment, the others are used to it and I honestly don't think it crosses their mind that this is abnormal behaviour towards one of your children! I love my mum, we have a good relationship and I see more of her than my siblings do but why does she just stand by and let this happen? I want NC but I love her Angry

OP posts:
Pythonista · 09/10/2021 19:28

On a changing mat though? I honestly don’t see the issue with changing a nappy on the floor. What’s the big deal? It’s a baby with a wet nappy. You’d rather Mum was kneeling on a cold bathroom floor? Nice way to treat your guests.

Nice way to treat your hosts to change your kid's nappy in the living room!

1forAll74 · 09/10/2021 19:28

I take it that you won't bother to visit this household again, there is no point in visiting with all this hassle, nastiness and whatever else goes on. Why put yourself through such an unpleasant time, despite it being family. Maybe things will change for the better, given some time,

starfishmummy · 09/10/2021 19:29

@ohthestruggles

If anybody could cast some light over wether babies are genuinely an issue for autistic children that would also be great. I struggle to understand and sympathise when it's my own little baby being screamed about.
The autistic young people I know are all different. If babies are an issue for your nephew then they are an issue. Why don't you believe him?
Pythonista · 09/10/2021 19:29

It is possible to avoid babies most of the time if you try hard. Like I said, I find them distressing.

But nice to see sympathy for an autistic child. Sad

Allergictoironing · 09/10/2021 19:30

He was once a pudgy little toddler that I took everywhere with me and we had a great relationship until I had my own child.

To me, this explains a great deal - he may have an issue with babies in general, with but your baby it's worse particular. Of course he feels jealous, if he used to feel the centre of your universe then he's usurped by a baby (which he has an aversion to in general). You sometimes get this jealousy with NT children, but with an autistic child the feeling could well be exacerbated plus less well hidden.

CaroHart · 09/10/2021 19:30

You are not being unreasonable. Just because your nephew has autism doesn't give him carte blanche to behave so badly. His parents should be managing that behaviour. And changing a baby's nappy anywhere is fine - your BIL needs to grow up. I'd recommend going NC with the lot of them, and tell your mum (who also needs to grow up) that she can visit you whenever she likes. Your priority has to be to protect your baby, keep him safe and away from such toxic people.

Pythonista · 09/10/2021 19:31

If anybody could cast some light over wether babies are genuinely an issue for autistic children that would also be great. I struggle to understand and sympathise when it's my own little baby being screamed about

You know that autistic people are all different, yes?

Saying you struggle to understand and sympathise is why people get the impression you don't like your nephew. He's not doing it because it is your baby that is the issue. He's doing it before it is A baby

Original poster
ohthestruggles · 09/10/2021 19:32

@Pythonista I feel like you're taking it a bit personally. I have openly said I struggle to understand and thanks to some of the responses here I now know that just because he coped with it once, it doesn't mean he will again. And today he didn't cope. Perhaps the AIBU to feel unwelcome should be more pointed at my horrible father. In hindsight he is the main issue, not a child. I will say again though that I was invited and I was encouraged to stay. I do not dislike my nephew and I didn't push the baby on him.

OP posts:
Baileyscheesecake · 09/10/2021 19:34

Just see your mother separately and don't have any contact with the men in your family. Don't go to any more family get togethers. Just tell your mum that you will see her but not your dad or brother in law because of the way they've behaved to you.

Pythonista · 09/10/2021 19:34

Your father sounds like a cunt. Flowers

But yes - give your nephew a break - it sounds like a combo of autism and shit parents means he has a lot of deal with

girlmom21 · 09/10/2021 19:36

@Pythonista

Because you'd have to put a baby on the floor in a room where people piss and poo?

As opposed to putting it on the floor in a room where people walk around, sit on the floor etc?

Have you ever changed a babies nappy? How messy do you think it gets?
Pythonista · 09/10/2021 19:36

And I am not taking it personally - it's just all this from other posters 'just because he's autistic they should manage his behaviour'. It's depressing

Learningtobeafeministagain · 09/10/2021 19:37

So next time, I'm sorry we aren't coming without our child -your child is there.

Father asks when you are going back to work -I never left work I'm just on maternity leave- Smile and say not sure yet. Change the subject.

Give nothing expect nothing.

Pythonista · 09/10/2021 19:38

Have you ever changed a babies nappy? How messy do you think it gets?

Does it matter? It's unhygienic - use the bathroom FFS.

Nightbringer · 09/10/2021 19:39

Perhaps the AIBU to feel unwelcome should be more pointed at my horrible father.

@ohthestruggles I think that is spot on. That's the real issue and you have deflected it againt everyone else.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 09/10/2021 19:39

Its very sad that your dad treats you like this and I can't see any reason why you should continue to give him any further chances to do so. Or your BIL.

Getyourownback · 09/10/2021 19:40

@girlmom21

I can understand your brother in law and your nephews responses to be fair.

Your dad sounds like a bit of an arsehole but could he have been trying to joke with you about work?
If you're very sensitive to your family (I'm not saying that as a slight to you) do you often leave gatherings first? Could this be why he asked, as in 'how long will it be before you go off in a sulk?'
Again, not that he's right. That'd be a dick approach too.

Oh FUCK OFF with these sorts of condescending and frankly rude responses.

Why do you think you know the poster’s shitty family better than her?

Why do some commenters just want to be arseholes to the OP just for the sake of it?

Why do I still bother with this site when it’s so miserable these days?!

Pythonista · 09/10/2021 19:41

And given that babies do sometimes pee when their nappies are taken off, then that's quite messy

LoveGrooveDanceParty · 09/10/2021 19:43

Have you ever changed a babies nappy? How messy do you think it gets?

It’s wee and poo, for heaven’s sake. Take it into another room - it’s not hard.

MzHz · 09/10/2021 19:44

@Sleepyquest

I don't know why you're getting a hard time on here OP. If I were you, I would stop going to family events. Sounds like you get nothing out of them except abuse. Why bother?! I appreciate your nephew is autistic but your baby is his cousin and so his mother should encourage him to be more accepting and not just go along with it because of 'autism'.

Ditch them all!

100% this

And your mother sits by

Would YOU sit by if someone was treating your ds the way your dad treated you?

Ditch them all, don’t look back

You’re worth a million times more than this!

MrsColon · 09/10/2021 19:45

@ohthestruggles

If anybody could cast some light over wether babies are genuinely an issue for autistic children that would also be great. I struggle to understand and sympathise when it's my own little baby being screamed about.
What, you think he'd make it up? Hmm

Come on, try a bit harder.

BreatheAndFocus · 09/10/2021 19:46

@ohthestruggles

I did know he doesn't like babies and he has apparently told his mum he hates them before but they have been in the same room multiple times before and never had such a reaction. He just ignored him previously. I'm assuming my sister would've asked me not to take my baby if she knew he felt THAT strongly that he was going to scream.

Although he has autism, he does have behavioural issues. He has a foul mouth and he does get away with a lot that others maybe would discipline him for. He's only ten. They let him watch things way too old for his age and I think this is why he swears so much. He was upstairs watching bloody squid game when we arrived Hmm

I know he has autism but I think he sounds spoilt too. If he’s been ok with your baby before, then this was uncalled for. Perhaps he was getting stressed by the number of visitors but that’s something that should be anticipated, spotted early and dealt with by his parents. To me, it sounds like he dislikes your baby rather than is scared or upset. I bet he said he didn’t want baby to come to ‘his birthday’ hence his outburst.
IrishMel · 09/10/2021 19:49

You poor thing you do not need all this hassle. I think the nephew with autism probably kicked off more as he feels that is his comfort space. So do not take that to heart. But know how it would get to know. As for your dad he is a dickhead and a pig and seems to hate women and is just jealous of your life. Does he work out of interest? You should have said no have maternity leave, holiday leave which I worked hard for and keep it light. He gets a kick out of tearing you down. Your poor mother has no confidence and has been worn down so do not lose contact with her just because of your dad as that is what he wants. Spend as much time with your mum as you can, can she visit you on her own or is he always there. What a horrible day. You have done nothing wrong. I grew up in a very male dominated household and the males always fed first, could talk, us girls made to feel like 2nd best was horrible and grew up with that silent fear. Ignore the poster trying to say you over reacted, you did not, your dad vile person.

Pythonista · 09/10/2021 19:49

He wasn't okay before though - he had made it clear he didn't like any babies and ignored the OP's baby, refusing to say his name. So it's not that shocking the way he reacted

black2black · 09/10/2021 19:49

@MrsColon she is probably genuinely trying to understand the issue. My nephew who we haven’t seen for years calmly told me he doesn’t like babies, they make him sick. All I could think was how has his mum brought him up with no manners to think it’s ok to say something like that to someone holding a week old baby!

OP is probably trying to understand the household and why her nephew has been allowed to behave in this way. Wondering if because of his autism he has no control of his reaction to babies? I too wouldn’t have a clue. For my nephew who doesn’t have autism I just think he’s plain rude and hasn’t been taught good. manners.

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