To feel v unwelcome

[ohthestruggles]

I have posted before about my dysfunctional family situation (alcoholic, verbally abusive father and bystander mother) however today I feel has been the final straw. Went to my nephews birthday party (he is autistic) and we obviously took our baby with us. My nephew has said before he doesn't like the baby, feels jealous, just hates babies apparently. Well I took my baby into the kitchen whilst he was eating and he started screaming to get out, that he was going to be sick at the sight of the baby and 'THIS IS WHY I DIDN'T WANT THE BABY TO COME!' He won't even call him by his name 🤦🏼‍♀️

I was upset but apparently this is part of his autism so I just took us off into another room. I had to change DS nappy, as soon as the changing mat came out BIL says 'oh Christ I'm off, can't stand nappy changes' 🙄 I'm not sure where we were actually welcome in that house today. I decided we would stay to feed my son and have some food ourselves and just leave as we were clearly not welcome. Whilst feeding my baby my father (horrible man, zero relationship, generally would be fine to have no contact with him) asked me when I was going back to work. I told him and he rolled his eyes and laughed, telling me I had a 'bloody great life' and don't know what work is. I have a year of maternity and my annual leave entitlement. I worked full time before DS was born. Not sure why he feels I am unworthy of maternity leave. He then asked me when I was leaving. This isn't new behaviour for him, he's a nasty piece of shit. I am one of three and I seem to be the only one who gets dealt this shitty treatment, the others are used to it and I honestly don't think it crosses their mind that this is abnormal behaviour towards one of your children! I love my mum, we have a good relationship and I see more of her than my siblings do but why does she just stand by and let this happen? I want NC but I love her

He doesn't have the right to behave offensively. No one's saying he has to like babies, or want a baby himself one day. I fully support people who are childfree. But you're just being silly.

No the nephew

Did they actually KNOW their son would react like that to the baby? You are assuming they knew that he would act so extremely. Perhaps they didn’t. Your dads another issue separately. Best to keep just ignoring him. Sorry you had a shit day. Don’t think you were intentionally made to feel unwelcome. Just turned out like that.

I wonder if your nephew is a bit upset about the changes since you had a baby? If you used to give him attention and take him out when you saw him, having a baby will have made a difference. So it might not be your baby more the difference he notices in you now you are a new mum.

The situation with your mum is more complex, for what ever reason she doesn't see separating from your dad as right option at this time. There could be many many reasons for that. You are now an adult with what sounds like a positive family life of your own! Sometimes as we go through different changes in our own life it can cause us to reflect on our post and what could have been different. There may be many things about your earlier life you are seeing with a different clarity; you may need to be show some sensitivity about how you share that with the rest of your family. From your mothers point of view she may be very proud of what you have achieved and her part in getting you to this point, you telling her about all that is wrong with your upbringing might well be hard for her to hear. Your dad sounds hard work and possibly unlikely to change, do you really have to cut him off or can you just set some firm boundaries on how some of his ways impact on you? You sound like you get along with everyone else in the family and your sister is offering to help you with your child - perhaps you could focus on the people and relationships you do find fulfilling.

I clearly ABU to feel unwelcome but I realise there is a lot to this post that IANBU about. DSis and BIL don't parent together, one sets no boundaries whatsoever and the other thinks that alot of DN reactions are a load of nonsense. There has to be a middle ground where boundaries are set surely but he also needs understanding, which he doesn't get from his father atall. However they are both happy to allow him to watch things like squid game that I find completely inappropriate, just because he wants to..the whole family dynamic is screwed up and I'm just glad that I have a very supportive partner who has had a lovely example of what parenting should be like from his mum and dad.

@Innocenta Not at all. It’s perfectly possible to be ableist while being neurodiverse yourself. It’s the same as internalised misogyny in women, for example. Some of the comments made on this thread are awful and I stand by what I said.

It isn’t ableist to suggest that this type of behaviour needs to be managed rather than ignored.

The parents are doing their son a disservice by firstly ignoring that he is distressed and secondly allowing him to behave in a way that will affect his ability to socialise with others. They should be doing everything they can to ensure their son can be comfortable around others, not just leaving him unsupported to scream and shout. And honestly the autism sounds like a total red herring, his behaviour from what op said is down to the poor parenting. Watching squid games and swearing, as far as I’m aware, are not symptoms of autism.

Some of his behaviour is inappropriate, that is his parents fault. He isn't very well supported as far as I can see and he knows that he can step way over the mark. His fathers idea of parenting is iPads and inappropriate tv shows, he can't be arsed as far as I can see.

I have messaged my family today to say that I won't be attending anything else with my father, that I know they think because this behaviour has gone on for so long that it is normal and can just be ignored but that we have choices and my one is to not engage with it anymore. Sad, I don't know why he hates me. I think it is partly jealously partly just that he hates women and sees them as inferior. He doesn't like that I have been a bit successful and have found happiness. He went out of his way to find out about my DP's family business when they traded elsewhere and found out that they sold quite a bit so 'must be absolutely minted' it's weird and very intrusive and I don't want to be a part of it anymore.

@SpidersAreShitheads I don't see any ableist comments. The fact that you're implying neurodiverse individuals have no role in society beyond being catered to like infants is itself pretty concerning...

@Kanaloa Very well said.

OP,
I think you sound like a great woman and person.

Despite an awful upbringing with an absolutely abusive prick as a father, you have moved forward in a positive manner to have a happy, loving relationship.
You have further gone on to have a baby and are doing your best to create a loving supportive family for your child.

Your father has no part of this.
Your BIL also.

I think you should be very proud of yourself.

Your text is great.
It is powerful.

Be very proud of yourself.

Your father adds NOTHING to your life.

Plan on NEVER being in his presence again.

Let this be a marker to the rest of your family, you will not accept poor treatment.