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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel v unwelcome

236 replies

ohthestruggles · 09/10/2021 17:51

I have posted before about my dysfunctional family situation (alcoholic, verbally abusive father and bystander mother) however today I feel has been the final straw. Went to my nephews birthday party (he is autistic) and we obviously took our baby with us. My nephew has said before he doesn't like the baby, feels jealous, just hates babies apparently. Well I took my baby into the kitchen whilst he was eating and he started screaming to get out, that he was going to be sick at the sight of the baby and 'THIS IS WHY I DIDN'T WANT THE BABY TO COME!' He won't even call him by his name 🤦🏼‍♀️

I was upset but apparently this is part of his autism so I just took us off into another room. I had to change DS nappy, as soon as the changing mat came out BIL says 'oh Christ I'm off, can't stand nappy changes' 🙄 I'm not sure where we were actually welcome in that house today. I decided we would stay to feed my son and have some food ourselves and just leave as we were clearly not welcome. Whilst feeding my baby my father (horrible man, zero relationship, generally would be fine to have no contact with him) asked me when I was going back to work. I told him and he rolled his eyes and laughed, telling me I had a 'bloody great life' and don't know what work is. Hmm I have a year of maternity and my annual leave entitlement. I worked full time before DS was born. Not sure why he feels I am unworthy of maternity leave. He then asked me when I was leaving. This isn't new behaviour for him, he's a nasty piece of shit. I am one of three and I seem to be the only one who gets dealt this shitty treatment, the others are used to it and I honestly don't think it crosses their mind that this is abnormal behaviour towards one of your children! I love my mum, we have a good relationship and I see more of her than my siblings do but why does she just stand by and let this happen? I want NC but I love her Angry

OP posts:
OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 09/10/2021 19:14

Easy, sack off the lot of them.

Pythonista · 09/10/2021 19:14

For real?? I don’t see the problem with this. I always have done it at any friend or families house. Where else am I expected to change my baby?

Genuine question - why not the bathroom? It tends to be the place for piss and poo!

AlwaysNC2021 · 09/10/2021 19:14

@black2black you ask the host….

LoveGrooveDanceParty · 09/10/2021 19:16

¥For real?? I don’t see the problem with this. I always have done it at any friend or families house. Where else am I expected to change my baby?

You genuinely can’t come up to a solution to this…?

Any other room in the house where people aren’t.

Other do not want to see your baby’s nappy being changed.

girlmom21 · 09/10/2021 19:16

@Pythonista

For real?? I don’t see the problem with this. I always have done it at any friend or families house. Where else am I expected to change my baby?

Genuine question - why not the bathroom? It tends to be the place for piss and poo!

Because you'd have to put a baby on the floor in a room where people piss and poo?
LadyLothbrook · 09/10/2021 19:16

Sorry but I think all of them are out of order except the OP. All this shouldn't have taken him if cos the nephew doesn't like babies and not changing a baby in living room is bollocks. Can fully understand the op and her baby not feeling welcome.

black2black · 09/10/2021 19:16

[quote Kanaloa]@gamerchick

I feel just the same and so do most of the parents I know with autistic children. It winds me up to hear people say ‘oh but he’s autistic so what did you expect?’ As if parenting goes out the window and it’s reasonable to expect a 10 year old to scream that a baby makes him sick and needs to leave just because he is autistic. The parents should still have been stepping in and parenting.[/quote]
I agree. It’s not on to allow him to be so rude. All kids have meltdowns if they don’t get their own way. He’ll never learn to accept babies if every time he sees one it’s whisked away because “he doesn’t like babies”.

Blackberrycream · 09/10/2021 19:17

Changing the nappy should be in a bathroom which you have already acknowledged.
The rest is awful. Your baby is a family member not an optional extra that can be excluded. It is up to the parents to deal with this issue. It’s not easy but opting out of such a big issue isn’t great. If they don’t want to deal with it, that’s your answer really. I wouldn’t bother further.

Original poster
ohthestruggles · 09/10/2021 19:17

DSis doesn't step in atall, BIL goes overboard with discipline and says 'it's all bloody nonsense' there is no middle ground. And I find that really sad for my nephew. I love him very much, despite other posters telling me I clearly don't like him. He is a child ofcourse I don't dislike him! Confused

OP posts:
Nightbringer · 09/10/2021 19:17

@girlmom21 people poo on your bathroom floor?

Its easy you just say to whoever house you are in 'where the best place for me to change the baby?'

Pythonista · 09/10/2021 19:17

If you are going to see your nephew again, perhaps do a bit of reading up beforehand

Pythonista · 09/10/2021 19:19

Because you'd have to put a baby on the floor in a room where people piss and poo?

As opposed to putting it on the floor in a room where people walk around, sit on the floor etc?

RoseRedRoseBlue · 09/10/2021 19:20

I don’t understand why you didn’t just leave. Why, after all you described, did you stay for food?

Italiandreams · 09/10/2021 19:20

The OP has acknowledge the nappy thing so think everyone can stop going on about it. I only realised what an issue it was on here as everyone I know does just change babies wherever they are if at someone’s house but I also acknowledge that mostly everyone I know either has small children themselves or is close family so wouldn’t bat a eyelid.

I think although there may have been some inkling your nephew wasn’t keen on the baby, the fact that you were invited to the party made you think it was fine to bring baby, as generally when people are invited somewhere when baby is small, especially family, it’s expected that small babies will be with you. Lesson learnt now though, and perhaps just give it a miss next time.

CheltenhamLady · 09/10/2021 19:22

Surely if you weren't at home you would ask the host for the use of a free room to do a nappy change? Basic good manners.

JustWorriedSick · 09/10/2021 19:23

Its entirely possible that your autistic nephew has a hard time with babies crying, the smell of napies and or baby food, or anything else related to your DC. If you are aware of this it would be fairer all round to not visit your nephew with your baby.

black2black · 09/10/2021 19:23

@Pythonista

Because you'd have to put a baby on the floor in a room where people piss and poo?

As opposed to putting it on the floor in a room where people walk around, sit on the floor etc?

On a changing mat though? I honestly don’t see the issue with changing a nappy on the floor. What’s the big deal? It’s a baby with a wet nappy. You’d rather Mum was kneeling on a cold bathroom floor? Nice way to treat your guests.
Original poster
ohthestruggles · 09/10/2021 19:23

@RoseRedRoseBlue when he began screaming I said 'I think we'll just go' but my sister and mum said to stay and get some food and he would settle if baby was in another room. I genuinely didn't force ourselves on them, we were actually invited and they actually offered us to stay. I won't again, obviously. My sister has offered to have my baby next week aswell (nephew will be there after school) as I have an appointment. I have said no but why offer if it causes my nephew such distress?

OP posts:
LoveGrooveDanceParty · 09/10/2021 19:25

Because you'd have to put a baby on the floor in a room where people piss and poo?

They don’t do that on the floor, and besides, you’d put a changing mat down?

Or ask if you can pop into a bedroom to do it?

You don’t change your baby’s nappy in front of an audience - people don’t want to see it, an even babies deserve basic privacy for things you’d expect privacy for.

I know the OP now gets this.

Nightbringer · 09/10/2021 19:26

when he began screaming I said 'I think we'll just go' but my sister and mum said to stay and get some food and he would settle if baby was in another room

So why feel unwelcome? Nephews had a meltdown. Dsis made sure to tell you to stay.

And as I have said, his reaction may have been due to other things going on that day. Your dsis may have offered to babysit because she didn't realise he would rect like that.

On another day, he may not have reacted like that.

RoseRedRoseBlue · 09/10/2021 19:26

If I were you, I would just tell your sister/Mum all that you have said on here. Life’s just too short and it has obviously upset you.

Blackberrycream · 09/10/2021 19:26

@Pythonista

If you are going to see your nephew again, perhaps do a bit of reading up beforehand
She took herself and the baby off to another room. It is the subsequent behaviour of adults which was the problem. The behaviour does need to be addressed as well. I doubt the op is expecting the antipathy towards the baby to disappear overnight or even over time. That does not remove parental responsibility to attempt to address the issue.
phoenixrosehere · 09/10/2021 19:26

It's rude and should be done in the bathroom unless you know that people are fine with it.

You’re joking. If I did that in the homes I’ve been to they would think I was crackers. When I’ve ask, I’ve always been directed to a bedroom or someone’s guest room. My own in-laws think nothing of nappy’s changed in their living room (that’s where they change them) whereas I would just head to the guest room if there were people around.

cansu · 09/10/2021 19:26

Many children with ASD will struggle with the unpredictability of a baby's noise. My ds has ASD and babies are a real trigger for him. I would not take him anywhere near a baby. I think context is everything. Was there any discussion about who would be there?

Onlinedilema · 09/10/2021 19:27

I think the op is being given a hard time.
Children learn by example.
Clearly the sister has learnt that women are shit and men are great. That is the example set by her mother and father. Unsurprisingly the sister has ended up with a complete twat.
Her son is now learning from his father whilst his mother stands by passively.
The nephew is 10, 10 not 2, and needs to be taught some manners.
How does his father usually cope with his son's 'phobia' ?
Does his child live in a bubble at home, never leaving the house in case he encounters babies?
What a load of crap.
There are many types of people I don't particularly like. Unfortunately I don't start screaming get them away from me I hate them!
If I were you I would arrange to see your mother alone and stop bothering with any of the others. If they ask why I would tell them too.

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