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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel v unwelcome

236 replies

ohthestruggles · 09/10/2021 17:51

I have posted before about my dysfunctional family situation (alcoholic, verbally abusive father and bystander mother) however today I feel has been the final straw. Went to my nephews birthday party (he is autistic) and we obviously took our baby with us. My nephew has said before he doesn't like the baby, feels jealous, just hates babies apparently. Well I took my baby into the kitchen whilst he was eating and he started screaming to get out, that he was going to be sick at the sight of the baby and 'THIS IS WHY I DIDN'T WANT THE BABY TO COME!' He won't even call him by his name 🤦🏼‍♀️

I was upset but apparently this is part of his autism so I just took us off into another room. I had to change DS nappy, as soon as the changing mat came out BIL says 'oh Christ I'm off, can't stand nappy changes' 🙄 I'm not sure where we were actually welcome in that house today. I decided we would stay to feed my son and have some food ourselves and just leave as we were clearly not welcome. Whilst feeding my baby my father (horrible man, zero relationship, generally would be fine to have no contact with him) asked me when I was going back to work. I told him and he rolled his eyes and laughed, telling me I had a 'bloody great life' and don't know what work is. Hmm I have a year of maternity and my annual leave entitlement. I worked full time before DS was born. Not sure why he feels I am unworthy of maternity leave. He then asked me when I was leaving. This isn't new behaviour for him, he's a nasty piece of shit. I am one of three and I seem to be the only one who gets dealt this shitty treatment, the others are used to it and I honestly don't think it crosses their mind that this is abnormal behaviour towards one of your children! I love my mum, we have a good relationship and I see more of her than my siblings do but why does she just stand by and let this happen? I want NC but I love her Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
ohthestruggles · 09/10/2021 21:55

I do see my DM on her own, as I have also explained. I have posted about going NC and the issues I have with my parents before if you would like to search for that thread.

OP posts:
black2black · 09/10/2021 21:59

@ohthestruggles a lot of posters on mumsnet are trolls and just want to hate and judge. Easier to just ignore them than give them any airtime.

Livelovebehappy · 09/10/2021 22:00

@HyacynthBucket

Sorry OP but I get the feeling you are quite enmeshed in your family dynamic and still part of the shit stirring. To take the baby to the child's birthday party when you knew the child hated babies, to take out a changing mat to change the baby's nappy in front of him (at his party) - all seems a bit provocative. Are you sure you are not stirring this stuff up yourself? Why do you not see your DM on her own? I just get the feeling there is more to this than you are saying.
Jeez.. what an unnecessary, horrible post. Op changed baby away from her dn, in another room, if you’d bothered to read the post. And what happens when ops baby’s 1st birthday party comes round? Should she leave the nephew off the invitation list? Because if baby and nephew are to be kept separate, it means choices are going to have to be made at future family get togethers, and one of them is going to have to miss out. Although I’d be tempted to just cut them all off apart from your dm.
HyacynthBucket · 09/10/2021 22:01

I think at some level you knew there would be an issue to do with your nephew and the baby and you went anyway. Which makes me question how much you are yourself very involved in your family's unhealthy dynamic. I am not saying you intentionally did it but it was not exactly unconscious either was it?

I imagine you need to put some distance between yourself and your family members for a while, which may give some perspective on the different relationships and dynamics going on. I hope you can separate yourself from the dysfunctional stuff and people, for your own future sake and your baby's.

Kanaloa · 09/10/2021 22:06

Bringing your baby to a family birthday party you were specifically invited to isn’t causing drama. The drama was caused by the other adults in the family.

Although I would go non (or very low) contact.

Original poster
ohthestruggles · 09/10/2021 22:08

Are you sure you are not stirring this stuff up yourself?
Why do you not see your DM on her own?

I just get the feeling there is more to this than you are saying.

If these are genuine thoughts then please please run with them instead of wishing me well and telling me to put distance between us..after all there is SO much more to the story.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 09/10/2021 22:13

@Getyourownback and again, my comments weren't shitty. Yours were. Grow up.

Getyourownback · 09/10/2021 22:18

@HyacynthBucket

I think at some level you knew there would be an issue to do with your nephew and the baby and you went anyway. Which makes me question how much you are yourself very involved in your family's unhealthy dynamic. I am not saying you intentionally did it but it was not exactly unconscious either was it? I imagine you need to put some distance between yourself and your family members for a while, which may give some perspective on the different relationships and dynamics going on. I hope you can separate yourself from the dysfunctional stuff and people, for your own future sake and your baby's.
Jesus fucking Christ. @MNHQ you have to crack down on shit like this, surely? 🙄
HyacynthBucket · 09/10/2021 22:31

Getyourownback
We don't all have to sing from the same hymn sheet on these issues. The OP clearly has a very dysfunctional family, and it was my impression that she is still involved in the dysfunctional dynamic. Although I may be wrong about it, there is no reason why I cannot exercise independence of mind when making a post. I wish the OP well, but think she needs to get out of her family entanglements. If that does not fit with the majority on here, it does not mean my post should be censored.

Original poster
ohthestruggles · 09/10/2021 22:37

There's exercising independence of mind, which a lot of posters have done on here and then there's accusing me of using my baby to stir up and upset my nephew and suggesting I may be to blame for issues with my abusive alcoholic father and my mother..

OP posts:
HyacynthBucket · 09/10/2021 22:54

Ohthestruggles
I did not accuse you of any of these things. I did not say you were "using" your baby, and I made no comment at all about your father. I certainly did not suggest you were to blame for issues with your alcoholic father and your mother.

Original poster
ohthestruggles · 09/10/2021 22:59

To take the baby to the child's birthday party when you knew the child hated babies, to take out a changing mat to change the baby's nappy in front of him (at his party) - all seems a bit provocative. Are you sure you are not stirring this stuff up yourself?

Provocative = causing anger or another strong reaction, especially deliberately.

You maybe haven't outright accused me, you're right. But you have insinuated it. Suggesting there is more to the story as I don't see my mum on her own (which I do) is suggesting that I may not have imparted the truth about my parents and how my relationship is with them. When I have..

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 09/10/2021 23:02

Oh wheest hyacynth your barbed and nasty post re the nappy changing
it all seems a bit provocative. Are you sure you are not stirring this stuff up yourself?
Came with good intentions? Doubtful.

HyacynthBucket · 09/10/2021 23:32

Ohsthestruggles
You have twisted my words. I did not link your mother to there possibly being more to the story. They were separate statements. I am finished here with your posts.
Michelle Scarn
I pointed out to OP that she may still be too enmeshed in her family's dynamic. If you don't agree with me, that's fine, although you have taken my words out of context. Unnecessary to be unpleasant about my intentions.

Getyourownback · 10/10/2021 08:11

Why do some particularly vitriolic posters always try to backtrack when they get singled out as being unpleasant? They then try to prove how clever they are with their alternative viewpoints. 🙄

MzHz · 10/10/2021 08:50

I’m so disappointed about the idiots on here! Do some people literally only wander up and down the AIBU thread? Is that it?

Dysfunctional families are really tough, the dynamics are totally different to loving supportive families

@ohthestruggles please understand that there is very little you could have done to ensure a better outcome than the one you got. Your DN is awful, and it’s not because he’s autistic, he isn’t being parented well, and is old enough to know what he’s saying. Also your BIL, your dad, your mum. Horrendous

Forget them all. Leave them behind, just literally drop them. You will feel better for it in time.

The comments about you being enmeshed are correct, they sick you back in so they can hurt you again.

Untangle it all.

Original poster
ohthestruggles · 10/10/2021 10:37

@MzHz thank you!

OP posts:
Innocenta · 10/10/2021 11:11

@SpidersAreShitheads Funny that you assume people who are commenting critically on how this was handled must be 'ableist'... As if we can't possibly be neurodiverse ourselves, and/or disabled in other ways... Here's a hint: you are being a teeny bit narrow-minded and your assumption itself is (at least verging on) ableist.

@Nayday Multiple people in the thread who are criticising the nephew's behaviour are not neurotypical. I'm someone who talked about the real world and I 100% stand by that. It's your assumption that alluding you that concept is a tell for a commenter being NT - but you're completely wrong, actually. I'm also severely disabled with quite broad-ranging, complex needs, and as such more than aware of what it's like to have difficulty fitting into the 'normal' world. That just makes me all the more aware that a utopian fantasy of dismantling said normal world isn't arriving any time soon. Should we give up on accommodations and adjustments? No, obviously not - but banning babies is by no stretch of the imagination a reasonable thing to expect.

Innocenta · 10/10/2021 11:12

*alluding to

Pythonista · 10/10/2021 11:18

Hardly 'banning babies'. But as he gets older he be able to avoid them. At the moment he has no choice.

MarshmallowSwede · 10/10/2021 11:31

Your entire family sounds terrible. I wouldn’t have anything to do with them tbh.

And how about this for everyone asking why she took her baby… maybe she has no babysitter. And he’s a baby.. it’s not like he can stay at home alone.

I would go NC with all of them. Life is too short to deal with this foolishness all around.

Innocenta · 10/10/2021 11:39

@Pythonista He can walk out of the room.

And actually, as an adult, he will have to sit in a GP waiting room with a baby. Stand in a checkout queue. Sit on a plane. Babies exist, get over it.

He doesn't have the right to behave offensively. No one's saying he has to like babies, or want a baby himself one day. I fully support people who are childfree. But you're just being silly.

Pythonista · 10/10/2021 11:46

And as he gets older he may well be able to moderate his external reaction.

He had just ignored the child before, maybe there was a reason for his reaction this time.(Overstimulation for example) or maybe he is jealous as OP said he used to spend a lot of time with her before she had the baby.

If OP disengages with her family, she will at least be free of the toxic relationships

Pythonista · 10/10/2021 11:47

Anyone has the 'right' to behave offensively.

They don't have the 'right' for there not to be consequences

MichelleScarn · 10/10/2021 11:52

@Pythonista

Anyone has the 'right' to behave offensively.

They don't have the 'right' for there not to be consequences

Who is that directed at? The op? The baby?!