To feel v unwelcome

[ohthestruggles]

I have posted before about my dysfunctional family situation (alcoholic, verbally abusive father and bystander mother) however today I feel has been the final straw. Went to my nephews birthday party (he is autistic) and we obviously took our baby with us. My nephew has said before he doesn't like the baby, feels jealous, just hates babies apparently. Well I took my baby into the kitchen whilst he was eating and he started screaming to get out, that he was going to be sick at the sight of the baby and 'THIS IS WHY I DIDN'T WANT THE BABY TO COME!' He won't even call him by his name 🤦🏼‍♀️

I was upset but apparently this is part of his autism so I just took us off into another room. I had to change DS nappy, as soon as the changing mat came out BIL says 'oh Christ I'm off, can't stand nappy changes' 🙄 I'm not sure where we were actually welcome in that house today. I decided we would stay to feed my son and have some food ourselves and just leave as we were clearly not welcome. Whilst feeding my baby my father (horrible man, zero relationship, generally would be fine to have no contact with him) asked me when I was going back to work. I told him and he rolled his eyes and laughed, telling me I had a 'bloody great life' and don't know what work is. I have a year of maternity and my annual leave entitlement. I worked full time before DS was born. Not sure why he feels I am unworthy of maternity leave. He then asked me when I was leaving. This isn't new behaviour for him, he's a nasty piece of shit. I am one of three and I seem to be the only one who gets dealt this shitty treatment, the others are used to it and I honestly don't think it crosses their mind that this is abnormal behaviour towards one of your children! I love my mum, we have a good relationship and I see more of her than my siblings do but why does she just stand by and let this happen? I want NC but I love her

So OP cant take her baby to anything the nephew is at now?
Can't believe some of the replies here. No mention was made to her about his very strong dislike before she attended.

Yeah your dads a massive arsehole then. Sounds pretty jealous of you and the life you've built. That's the best revenge - giving your child a better life than he could ever have hoped to give you.

My nephew has said before he doesn't like the baby, feels jealous, just hates babies apparently.

But you took the baby anyway. You say your sister never said, but wouldn’t you ask the question?

For those saying don't take the baby, so is the Op supposed to go without her partner or child, for how long?

Presumably until the baby is no longer a baby. So, maybe a year or so. No biggie.

@MichelleScarn

So OP cant take her baby to anything the nephew is at now? Can't believe some of the replies here. No mention was made to her about his very strong dislike before she attended.

The OP said My nephew has said before he doesn't like the baby, feels jealous, just hates babies apparently.

I don't think people are suggesting she shouldn't take the baby anywhere, just that she shouldn't take him to the nephew's birthday party.

No mention was made to her about his very strong dislike before she attended.

Except for….My nephew has said before he doesn't like the baby, feels jealous, just hates babies apparently you mean?

@MichelleScarn op knew her nephew dislikes her baby and hates babies prior to their visit

really not sure why you stay in touch

[quote ohthestruggles]@girlmom21 definitely not joking. He likes to tell me often that I 'have it made' because my DP owns his own business. My dad thinks my DP is 'rich' and that I've fallen into a great situation, which is not the case atall. When I still stayed at home he kicked a dent in the side of my car during an argument and told me to never come back. He's not a father having a joke. [/quote]
Look, never go to your sister's again, avoid BiL & nephew, & go NC or LC with your dad.

See your mum at yours, or in town.
If you & your sister want to see each other, she can come to you, or meet up somewhere without nephew.

What else can you do?
They're not going to change, so change yourself by removing yourself from their orbit.

I did know he doesn't like babies and he has apparently told his mum he hates them before but they have been in the same room multiple times before and never had such a reaction. He just ignored him previously. I'm assuming my sister would've asked me not to take my baby if she knew he felt THAT strongly that he was going to scream.

Although he has autism, he does have behavioural issues. He has a foul mouth and he does get away with a lot that others maybe would discipline him for. He's only ten. They let him watch things way too old for his age and I think this is why he swears so much. He was upstairs watching bloody squid game when we arrived

My sister's son is autistic but he absolutely loves babies and younger kids. I normally check with her if I think there's something that might upset him. I'd say check next time but sounds like they're all a bit awful to you anyway.

They sound very unpleasant people and I’m not sure why you went to visit, or stayed on to feed baby and yourselves, when they’d clearly made you feel unwelcome.

Your nephew may have sensory issues so the shrill sound of a baby crying, babbling, the sight of baby eating messily, or the smell of a baby getting a nappy change or soiling a nappy, or being sick or dribbling could be triggering for him. All normal baby things but children with autism sometimes find babies too unpredictable, messy and upsetting when they’re not used to them.

I do think it’s unreasonable to change a nappy in the lounge (even a soggy one) unless the hosts have a baby too and they say it’s ok. Otherwise I’d always change a nappy in the bathroom, even a soggy one. I’d be upset if someone started changing a nappy on my rug, especially as babies have form for weeing when being changed.

Just tell your mum you can meet her at yours/outside the home. Why would you go somewhere to be abused by everyone there?

Many autistic children struggle with babies. They are little noise machines and very unpredictable. My son dislikes lots of things but we don’t allow him at age 8 to scream that he hates a family member and wants them to leave. We help him to cope with things that are difficult but he knows his wants don’t overwhelm the rights of others to not be abused.

Not liking babies and small children can be common with bairns with autism. My 14 yr old has got better over the years but I've come to the conclusion that it's the unexpected noise they make. It's unpredictable and definitely not personal. The BIL, well they say if you see an autistic child you usually get an undiagnosed ISE family member.

Your dad us a knob. Why would you want to be around him? Your mother is weak. If you really want to see her, tell her she knows where you live.

My son dislikes lots of things but we don’t allow him at age 8 to scream that he hates a family member and wants them to leave

No I don't tolerate it either. Some stuff has to be clamped down harder than usual when autism is in the mix.

I'm a little on the fence. Did you really have to be told not to take your dog? And changing a nappy in a sitting room is rank. But your nephew didn't mean it. Enjoy your baby.

@gamerchick

I feel just the same and so do most of the parents I know with autistic children. It winds me up to hear people say ‘oh but he’s autistic so what did you expect?’ As if parenting goes out the window and it’s reasonable to expect a 10 year old to scream that a baby makes him sick and needs to leave just because he is autistic. The parents should still have been stepping in and parenting.

Your father is awful, you mother isn't innocent as she has stayed with him and therefore condoned his behaviour all your life.

Your sister has married someone like your father, hardly surprising when that has been your role model throughout by our childhood.

Honestly I would distance yourself massively. Meet up with just sister without DC if she is generally a good sibling towards you.

Nappy issue noted. I guess I spend most of my time around other people with babies and we always just change them in-front of eachother. Will find a free room from now on!

Your dad and BIL sound like arseholes who would’ve found something to be rude about whatever you did. You didn’t do anything wrong.

I don’t know why you bother keeping in contact with them.

@ThreeLittleDots

Sorry OP, you may get people saying you shouldn't have brought your baby to autistic nephew's birthday when you know he doesn't like him.. and also that changing a nappy in a living room is disgusting, but that's not really the main point of your post.

I don't know why your mother stays with a horrible person, but you can only control your own actions.

Where should she change her baby?! In the garden! Get a f*cking grip

[quote Kanaloa]@gamerchick

I feel just the same and so do most of the parents I know with autistic children. It winds me up to hear people say ‘oh but he’s autistic so what did you expect?’ As if parenting goes out the window and it’s reasonable to expect a 10 year old to scream that a baby makes him sick and needs to leave just because he is autistic. The parents should still have been stepping in and parenting.[/quote]
Exactly. Autism can be tricky to manage but you still need to parent and not use it as an excuse. I know all my kids cues when he's struggling but he can still be a git, just like any other 14 yr old.

You have asked if Austisic children have a problem with babies.

That shows you don't really understand autism. Not everyone with autism is the same. He could be the only child with autism to have such a reaction to babies and its still part of his autism.

My autistic son has a real problem with meal times and if he feel stressed, at all, it can provoke a reaction. Though it's not so bad now. He doesn't like babies. Some non autism babies can have a fear of babies. He was eating and brought your baby in, possibly causing stress. Your nephews reaction could have been due to lots of different things and that being the straw that broke the camels back.

I accept your father is awful. But I wouldn't stay in a room where a dirty nappy was being changed and think its pretty grim. But I can't see what your sister did. She may not have known her son would react like that. So I don't think you can say 'we weren't welcome'. Your bil left the room while you changed a nappy and your austitic nephew had a melt down.

Your dad was a that, which you knew before you went. You then, whilst feeling unwelcome decided to stay and feed you all before leaving. Why not feed the baby and leave. Or just leave?

You obviously don't like your sister or her parenting choices. You don't like your bil and your nephews melt downs offend you.

I do appreciate they may not have all behaved great in the past, which is causing the feeling today. But from what you said, I think you are projecting alot and over reacting.

My autistic dd likes babies but her friend whose autism is more severe cannot cope with babies at all.

Those posters suggesting that the nephew's parents just need to sort out his difficulty with babies as if it was some sort of bad behaviour have clearly no experience of parenting a child with ASD. These issues are caused by sensory overload and there is no easy cure for this. I wish there was.

Oh and while I get you lobe your mother. She has allowed you father to be foul to you and stayed with him. There's responsibility on her part, especially if she expects you to be in situations with him.

Changing the nappy in someone else's living room is disgusting

I'm autistic and being around babies distresses me. I don't actually scream but only because I'm experienced at masking,

You knew he hated babies but just because he hasn't had a meltdown about your child before, you think he's unreasonable? Wow