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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to let DS play on his switch in church?

241 replies

FatCatThinCat · 07/10/2021 15:34

I haven't done this, I'm trying to gauge how bad it would be. I haven't been to church in years and really want to start going again but there's not a chance with my DS as he's autistic and wouldn't sit still or quiet for more than 2 minutes. But if I let him have his switch with headphones he'll sit still and quiet for hours. But it's church so it feels really disrepectful. What do you think?

YANBU - he has a disability and he needs it get through the hour

YABU - are you having a laugh, of course you can't let him do this

OP posts:
Cma1988 · 07/10/2021 15:36

I’m a church goer and I think that would be absolutely fine, as long as he headphones. Alternatively, is there a church kids club he could go to during the service? Most churches have children’s ministries that run alongside their service

underneaththeash · 07/10/2021 15:36

Go to a weekday service when he's at school.

SionnachRua · 07/10/2021 15:38

Could you find a church with a child friendly section or a children's Mass? Am sure the priest/minister would rather you could attend than not.

GermioneHranger · 07/10/2021 15:38

Do you need to take him with you?

A lot of the time there's child friendly services as well that might be worth checking 😊 will he be doing the Sunday school activities if they have one?

IMO it potentially could be a bit disrespectful, depending on the church!

HarrietsChariot · 07/10/2021 15:38

Some places might allow it, but I think it's out of order. Then again I'm not a regular churchgoer so might be wrong. It just sounds disrespectful. I guess the question to answer is would you allow him to play with it in a mosque? Probably not even though that's not your religion.

BrownEyedSquirrel · 07/10/2021 15:38

I think people are far too easily offended. If you feel it would be beneficial and you want to go, go!

I'd be surprised if anyone actually said anything though I'm sure some would be silently judging. If something so innocuous bothers them, it's their issue and not yours.

Original poster
FatCatThinCat · 07/10/2021 15:39

The only things during the week are 6.00 am prayer services. I don't want to go that much.

OP posts:
MrsRobbieHart · 07/10/2021 15:39

Don’t take him if he’ll get nothing out of it. Attend an online service if you can’t get childcare or attend when someone else can have him/he’s at school.

Weepingwillows12 · 07/10/2021 15:39

How old is he and what type of church service do you normally go to? Near us there are some very relaxed services where it wouldn't be a problem. There are also some more traditional services with older parishioners where I think you would get tutting and comments (I think they are wrong by the way).

HikingforScenery · 07/10/2021 15:40

How old is he? Will he not go into the children’s service?

CiaoForNiao · 07/10/2021 15:40

With headphones/sound off? I can't see an issue at all. There's a family at my church (the dad is actually a minister himself so I figure has some idea of what is or isn't respectful) and the teens all sit quietly and read.
I guess some churches might be less open to it than others but, imo, they are inclusive and sometimes that means letting people use devices for dc.

gogohm · 07/10/2021 15:42

Loom for a church with children's church/ Sunday club - they take the kids out during the main service and they do activities. We have 3 with quite profound disabilities attend ours, one with a carer (on oxygen) the other two are dropped off, we provide 1:1

Original poster
FatCatThinCat · 07/10/2021 15:42

Sorry I should have said, I'm in rural Sweden so we don't have a huge choice. There are 3 churches in my town and the nearest next town is over an hour away. I tried the pentecostal church and the mission church before DS was born and they were awful, completely dead. Which is why I haven't been since moving here. The 3rd is the Lutheran church (Church of Sweden) which I suppose is more Church of England like, It's that one that I'm thinking of attending.

OP posts:
ApplePippa · 07/10/2021 15:43

My autistic son used to do this. I ran it past my vicar first, and she was absolutely fine with it - said whatever makes him feel comfortable. He hated the children's groups, so he stayed in church with his tablet.

Sadly, some churches will judge. Could you get in contact with the church leadership first, just to make yourself known and explain the situation? The type of response you get will tell you so much about the church...

Gladioli23 · 07/10/2021 15:44

I think I'd try and give the minister a ring before I went along to check what they thought and see if they had any alternative ideas if they weren't happy. They'd almost certainly rather you were able to partake than not but if you've checked first then there's no issue.

PurpleDaisies · 07/10/2021 15:44

It would be totally normal in my church. As long as they’ve got the sound off of headphones, it really wouldn’t be an issue.

ElectricDeChocobo · 07/10/2021 15:44

@HarrietsChariot

Some places might allow it, but I think it's out of order. Then again I'm not a regular churchgoer so might be wrong. It just sounds disrespectful. I guess the question to answer is would you allow him to play with it in a mosque? Probably not even though that's not your religion.
Why wouldn't she let him in a mosque, and why is it relevant?

OP, you might want to explain to whoever leads the service first. But if he has a disability that would prevent him from being able to sit through it without a distraction, I don't see why not.

Original poster
FatCatThinCat · 07/10/2021 15:45

He's 8. Before he was born and before we moved here I was a member of a free church that was along baptist church lines.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 07/10/2021 15:45

I'd speak to someone at the church first. We cannot possibly tell you what they'll think - which could vary a lot, between churches.

funnelfanjo · 07/10/2021 15:46

totally ok in my church too - important to make people feel welcome in a church, and that means both you and him.

Original poster
FatCatThinCat · 07/10/2021 15:47

@ApplePippa

My autistic son used to do this. I ran it past my vicar first, and she was absolutely fine with it - said whatever makes him feel comfortable. He hated the children's groups, so he stayed in church with his tablet.

Sadly, some churches will judge. Could you get in contact with the church leadership first, just to make yourself known and explain the situation? The type of response you get will tell you so much about the church...

I think I might do this. I'm not emotionally strong enough to cope with just going for it and dealing with any fallout at the time.
OP posts:
Reallyimeanreally2022 · 07/10/2021 15:48

What do you think would happen if you didn’t?

Is it worth seeing how one goes. Sit at the back.
If difficult, you leave and then bring next time.

CraftyGin · 07/10/2021 15:50

Children on gadgets are fine in church.

BlueMarigold · 07/10/2021 15:50

Anyone who has a problem with it is missing the point of what Jesus tried to teach us. But I would check with the vicar and see what they recommend to save your DS from any embarrassment.

UnbeatenMum · 07/10/2021 15:51

A family in our church do this for their 11 year old with autism and no-one bats an eyelid. Other families also bring electronics for older DC who aren't that interested but are too young to stay at home alone (although it's not the norm, but it's very much considered to be up to the parents and no-one else's business)