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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to let DS play on his switch in church?

241 replies

FatCatThinCat · 07/10/2021 15:34

I haven't done this, I'm trying to gauge how bad it would be. I haven't been to church in years and really want to start going again but there's not a chance with my DS as he's autistic and wouldn't sit still or quiet for more than 2 minutes. But if I let him have his switch with headphones he'll sit still and quiet for hours. But it's church so it feels really disrepectful. What do you think?

YANBU - he has a disability and he needs it get through the hour

YABU - are you having a laugh, of course you can't let him do this

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/10/2021 16:18

@CraftyGin no of course not. But you’d get a lot of looks, and the priest might have a word afterwards.

I’m not necessarily saying I agree but that’s what would happen.

I guess the thinking is, if you’re going to be there you should be taking part.

WellLarDeDar · 07/10/2021 16:20

Try to sit somewhere in the church that it wont distract anyone and as long as the sound is down I think it'll be fine. Maybe try to get there early and explain to the vicar? Churches are often very strong communities so as you get to know everyone over a few weeks they'd get to know you and realize the situation and wouldnt hold it against you :)

Icecreamsoda99 · 07/10/2021 16:20

As others said speak to the vicar and gage their reaction, they then will be able to address it with the congregation if they feel people would get spiffy.

Quiet frankly I think it's horrible that some people are saying "not at our church" and should look again at Mark 9:37, "'Anyone who welcomes a little child like this on my behalf welcomes me,

Silverdorkinghen · 07/10/2021 16:20

Definitely think you should give it a go. I think I would call and speak to the Vicar/priest/minister to check just so they know and can support making you and your DS as comfortable as possible but it wouldn’t have been an issue in any of the C of E churches I’ve been to.

I remember as a teenager turning up in short shorts and the “elderly ladies in the choir” chuntering to the vicar about my outfit. He just chuckled and said he was glad I wanted to go and my clothing choices were my own.

scully29 · 07/10/2021 16:21

I think you have to think - what would Jesus say - the answers obviously yes, because Jesus is kind and loving and the Bible literally goes into how Jesus did not want children kept away. Im amazed that anyone would say it was ok to prevent a child with a disability form church in whatever way was manageable to the child. He will gain from it as he will gain community and a friendly supportive network I would hope and his mother able to attend the service in full. Hold that thought and own it so you don't get stressed in there about judgements. Sit at the back perhaps so others aren't distracted by the screen and stay afterwards and meet people perhaps.
Id also say we recently bought the 'Bible in Minecraft' and a lego books version of the Bible and my children have just absolutely loved them, so anything you can do to bring God to him in a way he is interested in is worth doing.

LemonWeb · 07/10/2021 16:21

My church would be absolutely fine with this 😀.

postmistressofdibly · 07/10/2021 16:22

It would be no problem at our church. (Traditional Anglican rural parish) He’d be welcomed as he came in and encouraged to take part in as much or as little of the service he wanted to or could cope with.

There’s an autistic boy and his parents in our congregation - at first he spent the whole service with his earphones in.

Now he spends most of the service with his headphones in except when we say the creed “We believe…” He shouts that bit out loud every time and it makes me smile every week!

FreezerBird · 07/10/2021 16:22

Would be absolutely fine in our church - but I think it would be good for your peace of mind to have a chat with the minister/vicar beforehand so you know that before you go!

Soontobe60 · 07/10/2021 16:24

@GermioneHranger

Do you need to take him with you?

A lot of the time there's child friendly services as well that might be worth checking 😊 will he be doing the Sunday school activities if they have one?

IMO it potentially could be a bit disrespectful, depending on the church!

Didn’t Jesus say ‘suffer the little children to come unto me”? Surely the Church should welcome all parishioners, not. Just those who can sit quite and not offend anyone’s sensibilities.

OP, I don’t go to Church, but would think that he’d be more than welcome with or without his headphones and device.

OneRingToRuleThemAll · 07/10/2021 16:24

My autistic daughter is 13 and sits there with noise cancelling headphones flicking through her phone.

Church is for everyone. I don't believe that God makes mistakes when he makes people, so your son is his perfect creation, knitted in his image. If he isn't welcome in God's house there are real problems, and not with you or your son.

TaRaLa · 07/10/2021 16:25

I don’t have a problem with this.
Maybe email the vicar and say you want to come to church, but this is the issue and if you do this then you can attend and participate in the service and DS will be happy. Would they be okay with you sitting at the back so you can attend?

If they say no then it might not be the place for you

Lougle · 07/10/2021 16:26

I have 3 children - 2 have ASD. DD1 (15) can't cope with the service at all so uses her tablet with headphones or silently. DD2 (13) finds the music and presence of people too much, but can cope if she plays her own music discreetly through an earphone - she's ok once they go upstairs to the youth session, so it's still worth taking her.

DD3 (12) doesn't struggle, so she joins in with the church service.

shouldistop · 07/10/2021 16:26

No one would mind at my church. I think a lot of people answering saying it's out of order probably don't go to church.

PurpleDaisies · 07/10/2021 16:29

@shouldistop

No one would mind at my church. I think a lot of people answering saying it's out of order probably don't go to church.
Yes I totally agree with this.
SarahAndQuack · 07/10/2021 16:29

I'm a churchgoer. I would think it slightly disrespectful in a neurotypical child, but I can't see the issue given his autism. Perhaps contact the priest/vicar beforehand and say you're concerned people may wonder what's going on - that way they can perhaps welcome you by saying something like 'this is FatCat and her son who has autism and who'll be wearing these lovely orange headphones'. It might also be useful if your DS wouldn't welcome parts of the service - for example, in my church, we (pre-covid) shook hands to share the peace, and some of the autistic children I've known would have found that very difficult to deal with.

Lunde · 07/10/2021 16:30

I'd speak to the priest or one of the deacons at Svenskakyrkan if you are concerned but I doubt if anyone is going to bat an eyelid as long as you are are quiet. I have seen many adults on their phones in Swedish churches (one particularly bad where a phone rang and the person answered during a funeral)

Many churches have family services as well (Familjegudstjänst)

SarahAndQuack · 07/10/2021 16:31

@GreyhoundG1rl

Wow, some of the comments on this thread Shock I think it would be way out of order. Why bring him if he can't cope and would get nothing out of it?
I think it's quite dubious theology to assert that an autistic child won't get anything out of the service if his disability doesn't allow him to attend the way other people do.
PurpleDaisies · 07/10/2021 16:31

Perhaps contact the priest/vicar beforehand and say you're concerned people may wonder what's going on - that way they can perhaps welcome you by saying something like 'this is FatCat and her son who has autism and who'll be wearing these lovely orange headphones'

My goodness it must be depressing to be a member of a church where something like that is necessary.

Neurotypical or not, church services are dull for a lot of kids. I wonder if colouring books are also disrespectful.

Original poster
FatCatThinCat · 07/10/2021 16:32

@OneRingToRuleThemAll

My autistic daughter is 13 and sits there with noise cancelling headphones flicking through her phone.

Church is for everyone. I don't believe that God makes mistakes when he makes people, so your son is his perfect creation, knitted in his image. If he isn't welcome in God's house there are real problems, and not with you or your son.

Your comment has brought me to tears. I'm literally sobbing.
OP posts:
WorkBitch · 07/10/2021 16:33

I took my 2 autistic kids to church for a ceremony last week. One had a switch, one an iPad. Both had headphones on.

They were quiet & still while we paid attention to the service. I didn’t notice anyone raising an eyebrow.

But yeah if it was going to be a regular thing I’d probably speak to the vicar.

Hardbackwriter · 07/10/2021 16:35

If OP would feel better with an announcement (and thinks it would be ok for her son, as it sounds potentially quite horrible for him to be essentially pointed out to everyone with a declaration of his disability) then fine, but I really don't think it's necessary or should be expected. If people are 'wondering what is going on' then they should maybe think about whether they're going to church in the right mindset and whether they're engaging as fully as they could with the service themselves...

Janaih · 07/10/2021 16:35

I hate seeing kids on devices in church, it's supposed to be a respite from the digital world. But as a mother I know you do what you gotta do.

Tilltheend99 · 07/10/2021 16:35

I suppose it depends on which church and how friendly the atmosphere is but I would hope you could make contact with the church warden (most churches have a website/email contact these days) and discuss how to make Sunday service accessible for your son. I disagree with people saying you should leave him at home or go in the day without him which seems a bit discriminatory.

I don’t see why it would be a problem. Most churches will have a Sunday school or kids club where it will be informal with lots of making things.

I don’t know how wedded you are to your particular off shoot of Christianity but if you do have problems the Methodist churches tend to be more easy going and inclusive. Have seen plenty of toddlers running about etc (sorry I can’t remember what age you said) If you make sure he has noise cancelling headphones should be all good.

I mean I hope people would take a ‘Christian’ attitude about it but who knows.

NCBlossom · 07/10/2021 16:38

Just on another slant. Do you have to bring him to church? If so, fair enough I don’t see the problem with him sitting there with headphones. However I am of the view that it is good parenting not to push our religion or views onto children, when we can. They can know what we believe, but not told what they should believe. And autistic kids can take things quite literally, so God and teachings could be potentially confusing. And I find sometimes some of the teachings or stories aren’t always safeguarding - always obey your parents and that Jesus is love for example. And for me safeguarding is paramount. When your son is older he will be able to question and make up his own mind more.

PurpleDaisies · 07/10/2021 16:38

I hate seeing kids on devices in church, it's supposed to be a respite from the digital world. But as a mother I know you do what you gotta do.

What’s the difference between a kid scrolling though an I pad or flicking through a book? They’re not listening to the service either way and they’re having a nice time. I really don’t understand the hate judging over using devices.