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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to let DS play on his switch in church?

241 replies

FatCatThinCat · 07/10/2021 15:34

I haven't done this, I'm trying to gauge how bad it would be. I haven't been to church in years and really want to start going again but there's not a chance with my DS as he's autistic and wouldn't sit still or quiet for more than 2 minutes. But if I let him have his switch with headphones he'll sit still and quiet for hours. But it's church so it feels really disrepectful. What do you think?

YANBU - he has a disability and he needs it get through the hour

YABU - are you having a laugh, of course you can't let him do this

OP posts:
Motorina · 07/10/2021 17:42

@BlueMarigold

Anyone who has a problem with it is missing the point of what Jesus tried to teach us. But I would check with the vicar and see what they recommend to save your DS from any embarrassment.
This. Christ went through birth, crucifixion and resurrection. He had clear view on thsoe who exclude those in need.

I'd suggest a quiet word with the vicar first. If they say no you've learned all you need to about that church. But I bet they'd welcome you with open arms.

Angel2702 · 07/10/2021 17:43

Lots of children have done similar in our church over the years, including my autistic son. Nobody has ever batted an eye lid. As they became more comfortable and used to the routine they often need to use it less.

WinterCarlisle · 07/10/2021 17:49

I’m Catholic and this would be completely 100% fine in our Church too (and so it should be).

Agree with a PP who said that a quick chat with the Priest first is a good idea. If they don’t like the idea then that to me is a Church you don’t want to go to anyway!!

Dagnabit · 07/10/2021 17:53

@OneRingToRuleThemAll - that’s a lovely thing to say and I wholeheartedly agree

BlackeyedSusan · 07/10/2021 18:36

Our vicar's kid used to play on their phone in church. I am sure they wouldn't mind!

Poppitt58 · 07/10/2021 18:41

I know lots of people have said the same, but this would be totally fine at the church I go to.

Peppaismyrolemodel · 07/10/2021 19:10

@FatCatThinCat

Sorry I should have said, I'm in rural Sweden so we don't have a huge choice. There are 3 churches in my town and the nearest next town is over an hour away. I tried the pentecostal church and the mission church before DS was born and they were awful, completely dead. Which is why I haven't been since moving here. The 3rd is the Lutheran church (Church of Sweden) which I suppose is more Church of England like, It's that one that I'm thinking of attending.
Why not give the pastor or a church staff a call and explain? Knowing the facts will probably change the way it’s interpreted and you will feel confident if they reassure you! Certainly most people in the churches I’ve been to would b v polite to visitors regardless of whether they thought you were being a bit disrespectful. There’s an acknowledgment among members anyway, that coming into a church for the first time is nerve racking and they don’t like to make that worse! As well as knowing that ‘church norms’ are not automatically known by visitors. You may have to try a couple of churches, but you will be able to find one that is understanding. I recently went to a church where a 13 yo with autism was curled up asleep on the back pew, ear defenders safely on!
TheViewFromTheCheapSeats · 07/10/2021 19:18

I’d be interested in how many of those who disagree with it are actually regular churchgoers?
I’ve been to so many different churches and as a rule they’ve been a sanctuary for many people with differences or disabilities.
I have one with autism and I remember our first week the church warden bustled over. I worried for a moment but she produced a bag of lego, fiddle toys and drawing stuff and told us there was a carpet in the lady chapel to spread out on if needed.

HeadPain · 07/10/2021 19:20

I think it will be fine since he's 8, and autistic. If you are worried, you can phone the church beforehand, hopefully they'll put your mind at rest.

Maybe a sensory friendly service would be good if that's an issue and there is one near you.

Btw, this is the YouTube channel of an autistic priest, maybe some things there will help.
m.youtube.com/c/AutisticPriest/videos

YukoandHiro · 07/10/2021 19:39

Can you find a church with a Sunday school? Or get childcare so you can go alone. Are you a single mum? If church is important to you, you deserve that you time

HappyDays40 · 07/10/2021 19:40

My best friend is a vicar she has this in her church and is absolutely not bothered. Better than upaet or noisy kids!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/10/2021 20:14

@Reallyimeanreally2022 in Croydon as you asked. Don’t really want to be more specific.

@CraftyGin

I’m not saying I agree with the disapproval of kids on devices. I just know there would be. There are reasons I go to this particular church - local being one thing but not the only thing- but I probably wouldn’t choose it ideally.

I have no idea what they’d say OP should do. Personally I have every sympathy and thing it should be ok.

saraclara · 07/10/2021 20:24

@SarahAndQuack

I'm a churchgoer. I would think it slightly disrespectful in a neurotypical child, but I can't see the issue given his autism. Perhaps contact the priest/vicar beforehand and say you're concerned people may wonder what's going on - that way they can perhaps welcome you by saying something like 'this is FatCat and her son who has autism and who'll be wearing these lovely orange headphones'. It might also be useful if your DS wouldn't welcome parts of the service - for example, in my church, we (pre-covid) shook hands to share the peace, and some of the autistic children I've known would have found that very difficult to deal with.
That. In your place I'd want the rest of the congregation to know, as well as the church leaders. Otherwise I'd feel as though people nearby were judging me. Any vicar worth his/her salt should be able to welcome your son sensitively and publicly, to ensure acceptance.

I must admit that if I didn't know about their needs, I'd find it hard to accept a child sitting with a switch during a church service. But if I knew the circumstances I'd be more than welcoming to you both.

PurpleDaisies · 07/10/2021 20:26

I must admit that if I didn't know about their needs, I'd find it hard to accept a child sitting with a switch during a church service.

What do you mean, you wouldn’t “accept it”? What would you do? What actual difference does it make to you if a child is sitting quietly and bothering nobody?

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 07/10/2021 20:31

** That. In your place I'd want the rest of the congregation to know, as well as the church leaders. Otherwise I'd feel as though people nearby were judging me…. I must admit that if I didn't know about their needs, I'd find it hard to accept a child sitting with a switch during a church service. But if I knew the circumstances I'd be more than welcoming to you both.””

“Judgement” seeps through your post

FGS… anyone “judging” anyone is doing the polar opposite that is very explicit throughout the Lord’s teaching

DO NOT JUDGE OTHERS (it doesn’t say that you can judge if you know the circumstances)

PinkSyCo · 07/10/2021 20:52

I hate seeing kids on devices in church, it's supposed to be a respite from the digital world. But as a mother I know you do what you gotta do.

No it’s supposed to be a place of worship. Unless your child has actively chosen to worship with you, s/he should be allowed to quietly read a book/play on her switch/do some colouring in etc etc.

VestaTilley · 07/10/2021 20:58

It is disrespectful.

Fallagain · 07/10/2021 20:59

@HarrietsChariot

Some places might allow it, but I think it's out of order. Then again I'm not a regular churchgoer so might be wrong. It just sounds disrespectful. I guess the question to answer is would you allow him to play with it in a mosque? Probably not even though that's not your religion.
Luckily most Christians follow the teachings in the New Testament and therefore are inclusive and welcoming.
Greenmarmalade · 07/10/2021 21:04

I’d also recommend speaking with the priest and any influential regulars! But I think it’s a great idea.

BessSedgwick · 07/10/2021 21:05

How do you know he won't get anything out of it? He might not in the conventional sense, but being part of a church family who accepts him for who he is is invaluable.

God made him and made him as he is. Why would God not welcome him to church and be happy with whatever he needs to make him happy there?

Both of these, in spades. You and your lovely son deserve to be welcomed, OP. Any church that wouldn't understand what you've said here doesn't deserve to have you both. I hope it goes really well for you Flowers

PieMistee · 07/10/2021 21:07

My DSs best friend is autistic. His Dad kept taking him to church until aged 6 he very loudly said during a story "it's ridiculous, it cannot be true" and refused to ever go again. Luckily the vicar found it funny 😁

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 07/10/2021 21:11

@VestaTilley

It is disrespectful.
To whom?
Confrontayshunme · 07/10/2021 21:15

We have two children in our church of 600 who wear ear defenders and play video games. I don't know any adult who has a problem with it, especially knowing their disability is pretty visible.

Matildalamp · 07/10/2021 21:17

I go to church and we’d go out of our way to make you welcome, whatever that meant for you and your DS. Having him on his switch with headphones is absolutely acceptable, no one would bat an eyelid.

AliMonkey · 07/10/2021 21:18

I'm with @OneRingToRuleThemAll. If DS isn't welcome in that church then it says more about the church than you or your DS. Yes of course in ideal world your DS would listen attentively and take part in all the activities, as that way he'd learn the most about God and the church community. But hopefully he will also do that by finding out that he is accepted there just the way he is. In my church (very relaxed CofE), he would be very welcome, and would be one of a number of autistic children, some of whom have their heads in books or on devices, some have noise-cancelling headphones, some run around or out of the service, some take part in the activities.

However, for your own piece of mind, why don't you go one week on your own and try it out? That way you will (a) know whether it's likely to be somewhere you'd like to attend, (b) have the opportunity to see what it's like in attitude to children or those with disabilities and (c) be able to ask in person, if (a) and (b) suggest it could work for the two of you, if it would be OK to bring DS with his device.