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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to let DS play on his switch in church?

241 replies

FatCatThinCat · 07/10/2021 15:34

I haven't done this, I'm trying to gauge how bad it would be. I haven't been to church in years and really want to start going again but there's not a chance with my DS as he's autistic and wouldn't sit still or quiet for more than 2 minutes. But if I let him have his switch with headphones he'll sit still and quiet for hours. But it's church so it feels really disrepectful. What do you think?

YANBU - he has a disability and he needs it get through the hour

YABU - are you having a laugh, of course you can't let him do this

OP posts:
CraftyGin · 07/10/2021 15:52

BTW, you should see the number of adults on their phones in church!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/10/2021 15:55

Absolutely not at our church. No way. But no idea what churches in Sweden would be like.

Hardbackwriter · 07/10/2021 15:55

I think this is absolutely fine, and I wonder how many of the people telling you it isn't are actually church goers. In my experience people who don't go always think church is a much more formal place than it actually is (possibly because they only go to church for weddings and funerals).

PurBal · 07/10/2021 15:55

I am a regular churchgoer, practising Christian. In the last couple of years I have been involved with many many churches (I used to work for a diocese). It’s not disrespectful at all. It’s a church. A living, breathing church open and welcome to everyone. Autistic or otherwise, if that’s what your son needs then that’s what you do. I tend to go to “old fashioned” churches with very few children and ageing congregations and I have never been made to feel unwelcome for my son being noisy or needing to breastfeed. I once got “told off” at my regular church for texting before a carol service (I was texting a member of the choir FWIW). I asked if he came often as I hadn’t seen him before. “No, I only come once a year for the carol service”. It took a lot of willpower not to tell him to get back in his box. The people who mind are not people to worry about!

TheGoogleMum · 07/10/2021 15:58

As a child I was allowed to bring toys to church sometimes. There was an upstairs bit we could sit in which had less people in so playing quietly was ok but I was quite hidden at the back upstairs!

Hardbackwriter · 07/10/2021 16:01

I do think that if there's kids' activities/a Sunday club you will get a parade of helpful people telling you this, which will be well-meant but a little annoying! But letting people know that you're aware but this is the better option should be the end of the matter - I wouldn't want to go to a church where it wouldn't be (and haven't ever been to one where it wouldn't be).

Original poster
FatCatThinCat · 07/10/2021 16:01

@Reallyimeanreally2022

What do you think would happen if you didn’t?

Is it worth seeing how one goes. Sit at the back.
If difficult, you leave and then bring next time.

He'd sit still for a couple of minutes then he'd start sliding down the seat onto the floor, so he could crawl around on the floor under the seats annoying everyone. Left to it the crawling would eventually morph into running around. Obviously I would stop him at the sliding down the seat part (or going head first over the seat in front if there was nobody in it) and he'd sit for another minute. Then he'd try again and again and again. I'd spent the rest of the hour trying to prevent his escape and futilely trying to stop him asking very loudly if we can go now over and over again. I'll go home and cry.

This is from experience of trying to go to the theatre or cinema with him. We always have a distraction and sit near the exit ready to escape if needed.

OP posts:
GreyhoundG1rl · 07/10/2021 16:01

Wow, some of the comments on this thread Shock
I think it would be way out of order. Why bring him if he can't cope and would get nothing out of it?

HarebrightCedarmoon · 07/10/2021 16:01

Go on your own and leave him with your DH. Not because it isn't acceptable for him to be on his device, but because it probably won't be very nice for either you or him if he doesn't really want to be there and may be upset by the lights, noise etc.

UnbeatenMum · 07/10/2021 16:02

Definitely worth a chat with the church leader if you're feeling anxious about it. Hopefully they will be as understanding as most of the experiences on this thread.

CraftyGin · 07/10/2021 16:03

@GreyhoundG1rl

Wow, some of the comments on this thread Shock I think it would be way out of order. Why bring him if he can't cope and would get nothing out of it?
He might be quietly taking in the service while he is on his device.
CraftyGin · 07/10/2021 16:04

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

Absolutely not at our church. No way. But no idea what churches in Sweden would be like.
What happens?

Do the church wardens parade the aisles and rap you over the knuckles?

Hardbackwriter · 07/10/2021 16:04

@GreyhoundG1rl

Wow, some of the comments on this thread Shock I think it would be way out of order. Why bring him if he can't cope and would get nothing out of it?
Because OP wants to do it for herself, doesn't have any other way of doing that and has a solution that will mean it's fine for him, even if it's not exactly what he'd chose to do. I'm sure OP spends a lot of time focused on her son, if she can make it work like this why can't she have an hour a week for her?
ApplePippa · 07/10/2021 16:08

@GreyhoundG1rl

Wow, some of the comments on this thread Shock I think it would be way out of order. Why bring him if he can't cope and would get nothing out of it?
Because being part of a church community is not just for good little NT children who don't have the challenges the OP's child does.

How do you know he won't get anything out of it? He might not in the conventional sense, but being part of a church family who accepts him for who he is is invaluable.

Hardbackwriter · 07/10/2021 16:09

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

Absolutely not at our church. No way. But no idea what churches in Sweden would be like.
So what would you say in your church - that OP simply shouldn't go to church if it might offend the sensibilities of other people, even while not actually harming them in any way? It might be time to have another read of the New Testament...
MegBusset · 07/10/2021 16:10

Not a churchgoer but I think YANBU. The service is for you, not him - if that's what you need to be able to take part, then sure. I wouldn't want to go to any church that was so lacking in compassion as to get judgy over this.

Rannva · 07/10/2021 16:12

Couldn't you find someone to watch him? That way, you can at least focus on the service without being nervous about his behaviour. That true, full focus might be better for you and your emotional/spiritual health than worrying about how he might be.

lanthanum · 07/10/2021 16:12

Shouldn't be a problem. It may be worth chatting to someone in advance, even if just when you arrive for the service. If there are children's groups that go out during the service, they may suggest he joins in with those, but equally they should be understanding if that's something that won't work for him. (When I was doing children's work, we would have been quite happy if the child needed their parent to come out with them to start with, and we would happily have rostered an extra helper if needed. Our overall leaders were mostly qualified teachers and used to children with additional needs. We would also have understood if staying with their parent in church was what worked best for them.)

Sadly, there are a few people who get this wrong. A mum and child visited one church near us, and someone told the child off for having their hood up. That was one family that went away and never came back. Please, if one person is critical, give the rest of them a chance, because most won't be.

MrsColon · 07/10/2021 16:13

Definitely contact the vicar/Church leaders before going, and explain that he's autistic. It wouldn't be OK for a NT child but in this case I'm sure allowances will be made. If they're not, it won't be a good Christian church anyway.

Original poster
FatCatThinCat · 07/10/2021 16:14

How do you know he won't get anything out of it? He might not in the conventional sense, but being part of a church family who accepts him for who he is is invaluable.

This is exactly why I want to be able to take him in a way he can cope with. I do have the option of him staying at home with DH (who would come with me but isn't that bothered). We live in a small town/village. We know very few people here. We have no family in this country. I want to be part of the community after years of barely leaving the house. I want DS to be part of that too, to get to know people's faces and feel part of something.

OP posts:
godmum56 · 07/10/2021 16:15

i voted yanbu...but if the church get sniffy, find another church

godmum56 · 07/10/2021 16:16

@MrsColon

Definitely contact the vicar/Church leaders before going, and explain that he's autistic. It wouldn't be OK for a NT child but in this case I'm sure allowances will be made. If they're not, it won't be a good Christian church anyway.
churches make allowances for NT children too.
Notaroadrunner · 07/10/2021 16:16

Some churches have a 'crying room' for parents with children - not necesssarily just for crying children. I used to bring Ds in there when he was younger as he wouldn't really sit still long enough. If that's not an option then I'd just bring the switch and headphones and sit a bit away from others so as not to distract others with the clicking sound when using the controls/the images on the screen.

godmum56 · 07/10/2021 16:18

@GreyhoundG1rl

Wow, some of the comments on this thread Shock I think it would be way out of order. Why bring him if he can't cope and would get nothing out of it?
God made him and made him as he is. Why would God not welcome him to church and be happy with whatever he needs to make him happy there?
PinkSyCo · 07/10/2021 16:18

I wouldn’t see a problem with this even if your child wasn’t autistic. After all it’s you that wants to worship God, not him.