Page 9 | Irritated that my mum and partner are going for Christmas dinner alone ..

Helloitsmepickle2016 · 2021-10-06T15:21:47+00:00

Context - we have always spent Christmas together , my mum , her partner , me my husband , my 4 year old , my sister , and my mums partners kids. My mum loves the hustle and bustle of it all and thinks the world of her grandson and has always loved being with us on Christmas Day. This year she has said she is going for a meal just her and her partner as they’ve said they need a break from it all. Aibu to think that Christmas is about all being together and spending time with family and the ones you love ? Not to get away from family for a break?

pinkhampoppy · 08/10/2021 08:35

She doesn't enjoy that 'hustle and bustle' like you think she does. She's bored and tired of it and wants a hassle free meal out in peace!

trumpisagit · 08/10/2021 08:51

Your Mum's plan sounds great. Don't put a downer on it for her, it's not like you are going to be alone at Xmas.

RockyReef · 08/10/2021 12:21

I understand why you feel disappointed, but you could always just offer to host your sister & the partners children instead to have a family Christmas and then offer to your mum & her partner to pop in if they want after their meal? Its upsetting but not worth falling out over. I host Christmas every year for my folks (in their 70s) and my brother. My PIL have never wanted to come on Christmas day before but we always offer (and say no pressure if they'd prefer to be by themselves or with their other children & family). This year, they've surprised us by saying yes, so we'll be 10 for Christmas day instead of our usual 8, which is lovely (even though I suspect they only said yes because their normal plans have fallen through 😆).

gannett · 08/10/2021 12:30

She even said it was her partner who has booked it randomly , and she feels she is going to miss out on precious grandson time !

I'd put money on the OP's mum using her partner as an excuse just so she doesn't bear the brunt of the OP's "but faaaaaaaamily" foot-stamping. No one "randomly" books things on Christmas Day. She's looking forward to a quiet one just as much as her partner and threw the grandson line in to placate OP.

CSJobseeker · 08/10/2021 12:32

Wow. I'm gobsmacked that someone would think this is a reasonable thing to ask.

Are you usually this self-centred and demanding?

Danlsb · 08/10/2021 12:48

I’d sit down and have a chat with her and find out what’s going on - maybe she isn’t feeling up to it or worried about something if it’s out of character- Maybe suggest she pops in for breakfast or you pop over to hers for an hour so you and your son see her for a little bit on Christmas Day? Try not to take it personally as it will ruin both your days

thepastisanothercountry · 08/10/2021 12:59

Honestly, I think the recent Corona Christmas has made people appreciate how pleasant a quieter Christmas can be.

How about:

Hi Mum what a lovely peaceful Christmas you're planning, it will make a nice change. We'd all love to see you still though so why don't you come for dinner on Christmas eve so we can pull some crackers and give you your presents. Lots of love helloitsmepickle

EerieSilence · 08/10/2021 13:11

Christmas is about how you want to spend it. If your DM wants to spend it with her partner and have a nice and quiet dinner, you need to accept it.
Unless you decide to spend the Christmas with a cat bum face, having passive-aggressive remarks addressed to your absent DM in front of your DS about how much more beautiful it could have been if only Grandma wanted to spend the time with you, he's not going to register it that much.

Blossomtoes · 08/10/2021 13:16

The irony! It makes a change from the usual MN trope of “just wanting our own little family (🤮) on Christmas Day”. Good for her. I hope they have a lovely time

BasiliskStare · 08/10/2021 14:04

When DFIL was much older and want up for coming to DSLs or our house - we went down and booked a meal in a restaurant / Gastropub with a separate eating area type thing. It was lovely & nice not to have to clear up. I would not want to do it every year but a perfectly reasonablee choice.

Also - to a previous PP - I do sort of get why you say people should not be made to work on Christmas Day - but some people want to because they get extra pay. So not be coerced into it but if chosen could be a good deal all round. People can have a festive dinner ( if they so choose ) on many days

prettyteapotsplease · 08/10/2021 14:05

I think the hustle and bustle gets a bit much for many hosts, year after year, especially as they age. All the preparation, cooking, hosting, clearing up, etc can be hard work. I don't blame your mum for wanting a break so you really shouldn't begrudge it.

The following year you might ask her if she'd like to come to yours instead. If you put yourself in her shoes you should get a better understanding for why she's calling a halt.

TheLeadbetterLife · 08/10/2021 16:44

@BasiliskStare

When DFIL was much older and want up for coming to DSLs or our house - we went down and booked a meal in a restaurant / Gastropub with a separate eating area type thing. It was lovely & nice not to have to clear up. I would not want to do it every year but a perfectly reasonablee choice.

Also - to a previous PP - I do sort of get why you say people should not be made to work on Christmas Day - but some people want to because they get extra pay. So not be coerced into it but if chosen could be a good deal all round. People can have a festive dinner ( if they so choose ) on many days

It's quite an assumption that pp made anyway about people working on Christmas Day. I used to do it when I worked in pubs and restaurants in my younger days and I loved it. Festive atmosphere, nice group of people having a good time, great tips.

Not everyone has, likes or wants the type of Christmas the movies tell us we should.

BasiliskStare · 08/10/2021 17:32

@TheLeadbetterLife - I think you have made my point much better than I did - some people want to work on Christmas day because they are paid more and better tips - so earn more & really - is Boxing day or any other day if you want to do something festive any worse ? I know a cliche - but it is just a day. We have lots of days the last time I looked .

An anecdote - many years ago I went to my parents and we watched Midsomer murders in the evening 25th Dec - there came subtitles on the TV for the phone no. for the Samaritans - My mother said ( I didn't think Midsomer Murders was as bad as all that. ) We laughed - ( if anyone thinks is in bad taste please report. - I do realise why they did it i.e. people alone who think everyone else is having a huge fun party )

If nothing else this proves not everyone is playing party games etc after dinner & often Christmas day can be v relaxing where you do not have to do a thing.

TheLeadbetterLife · 08/10/2021 17:44

[quote BasiliskStare]@TheLeadbetterLife - I think you have made my point much better than I did - some people want to work on Christmas day because they are paid more and better tips - so earn more & really - is Boxing day or any other day if you want to do something festive any worse ? I know a cliche - but it is just a day. We have lots of days the last time I looked .

An anecdote - many years ago I went to my parents and we watched Midsomer murders in the evening 25th Dec - there came subtitles on the TV for the phone no. for the Samaritans - My mother said ( I didn't think Midsomer Murders was as bad as all that. ) We laughed - ( if anyone thinks is in bad taste please report. - I do realise why they did it i.e. people alone who think everyone else is having a huge fun party )

If nothing else this proves not everyone is playing party games etc after dinner & often Christmas day can be v relaxing where you do not have to do a thing.[/quote]
It wasn't just the extra pay and tips (though that was a bonus). I genuinely enjoyed working on Christmas Day. It was fun and different from the normal day to day in a pub.

I really struggle with enforced "wholesome" family time. If I must spend extended periods of time with anyone except my partner, I at least want to be left to quietly read or watch TV. Having to play board games all afternoon or make small talk is a bloody nightmare.

BasiliskStare · 08/10/2021 18:10

@TheLeadbetterLife - I agree - enforced fun is the worst sort

Justilou1 · 09/10/2021 01:52

I just came back to this after thinking about it last night. (Am in Aus.) Maybe there’s been a change in health status with either Mum or her DP that you don’t know about. Maybe COVID had made them realise just how much they enjoy being alone together. There’s a lot of things that have changed for people in the last few years.

lovemelongtime · 09/10/2021 09:18

Respect her wish to do something that she wants on Christmas day. Flip this round and think of the post she might write. "Daughter pushing for me to spend Christmas with all the family when all I want is a quiet day after a hectic year"

mumda · 14/10/2021 09:25

Time to create new traditions.