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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Irritated that my mum and partner are going for Christmas dinner alone ..

218 replies

Helloitsmepickle2016 · 06/10/2021 16:21

Context - we have always spent Christmas together , my mum , her partner , me my husband , my 4 year old , my sister , and my mums partners kids. My mum loves the hustle and bustle of it all and thinks the world of her grandson and has always loved being with us on Christmas Day.

This year she has said she is going for a meal just her and her partner as they’ve said they need a break from it all.

Aibu to think that Christmas is about all being together and spending time with family and the ones you love ? Not to get away from family for a break?

OP posts:
SpiderinaWingMirror · 07/10/2021 20:27

As the mother in this situation, good on her.

Touchmybum · 07/10/2021 20:41

It's only a day, when all is said and done - and a very overrated one, IMO!

Holskey · 07/10/2021 20:47

I voted yabu because she should feel free to do as she pleases. But I love Christmas, it's the best family time, and I too would be disappointed 🎄
Massive BOOOO to all who say "it's just a day"!

WhatsTheEffingPoint · 07/10/2021 21:01

I've hosted MIL for 13 out of 15yrs, as I don't like the thought of her being on her own at Christmas. Over the yrs it's become a chore so I was quite happy when she said she was staying home alone last year. I think she found it difficult being with us too as, as much we say this is home from home, its not the same..we don't watch the same TV as her, we are up early she's likes a lie in etc.

Let you mum do what she needs to, you might find you actually enjoy the break too.

shinynewapple21 · 07/10/2021 21:03

@Helloitsmepickle2016

Where you say This year she has said she is going for a meal just her and her partner as they’ve said they need a break from it all.

Do you mean that your mum's partner wants a break from the normal festivities rather than the two of them do? If that's what you're saying it makes more sense with the rest of your posts than your mum wanting to be with family , but also wanting a break .

I think it's right though that if your mum's partner prefers a quiet Christmas that between the two of them they need to compromise . One year a family Christmas for your mum, the next year a quiet Christmas for her partner .

Daphnise · 07/10/2021 21:04

The evidence is that she wants to get away from you all.

Probably a wise choice.

Hankunamatata · 07/10/2021 21:06

Perhaps she could pop over xmas morning then go for lunch with her partner.

Asj0405 · 07/10/2021 21:22

I've spent the last 13 Christmas's and will more than likely have another 13 yet running around shopping for food/gifts/decorations etc the week before. Like most parents I've spent most Christmas eves up until the early hours prepping/putting presents out. Only to be up at 6am to see them open them get everything in the oven.

All day entertaining various family members and playing with the kids then cleaning it all up after everyone. I have loved every minute so far but I'm certainly starting to get the feeling that I will thoroughly enjoy the peace once they all have families of their own, it is exhausting!

Give your mum a break and let her have a quiet, relaxing Christmas after what will have probably been years of hectic and busy ones.

JudgeJ · 07/10/2021 21:41

@PurpleDaisies

Maybe she doesn’t enjoy the hustle and bustle as much as you think she does.
My late MIL got to the stage later in life that she found the hustle and bustle of a big family Christmas too much, she had lived on her own for many years and started to have her Christmas lunch with one of her friends who also lived alone.
MindyStClaire · 07/10/2021 22:09

Maybe it's out of context but when I read the OP yesterday I thought the mother meant she needed a break from the extended family in general. If she does childcare, hosts regular Sunday roasts etc then I don't think it's strange to want a quiet day off from all of that.

h1nch · 07/10/2021 22:50

I can’t tell you how much I hate f**ing Christmas. The very fact you are on MN getting your knickers in a twist about your mum not wanting to spend Christmas with you is just one of the million things I hate about Christmas. Good for your mum for taking control of her life and not pandering to ridiculous social pressures. If you want to show your mum how much you love her i.e. in the spirit of Christmas, accept she is old enough and intelligent enough to make her own choices and treat her to lunch another day

Chris39 · 07/10/2021 22:53

I agree with you that Christmas is a family time. If someone opts out it causes disappointment. They can go for a quiet meal any other day of the year. I don't think she should be doing the catering though- I can understand her if this is a way to escape drudgery!

pelosi · 07/10/2021 22:57

Who hosted last year?

It could they expect to go to a restaurant on their years, and then come to you for your years.

If you hosted last Chistmas, they need to host next 2022.

PurpleDaisies · 07/10/2021 23:00

@pelosi

Who hosted last year?

It could they expect to go to a restaurant on their years, and then come to you for your years.

If you hosted last Chistmas, they need to host next 2022.

They don’t need to do anything. Christmas hosting is not compulsory. It’s not equal work to add a couple verses adding a family with young children to your Christmas Day.
pelosi · 07/10/2021 23:06

They don’t need to do anything. Christmas hosting is not compulsory. It’s not equal work to add a couple verses adding a family with young children to your Christmas Day.

Then OP doesn’t need to do anything either Confused If the arrangement is they take it turns to host then mum/partner can’t opt out of their hosting year by going to a restaurant and then rock up at OP’s the next year expecting to be hosted.

LesLavandes · 07/10/2021 23:07

Think yourself lucky not to be spending Christmas alone

BritWifeInUSA · 07/10/2021 23:15

@Helloitsmepickle2016

My post read :’they want a break’ but at the same time she feels she’s going to miss out on grandson time
She never said anything about not seeing your son, based on your post. She said they were going for a meal, not leaving the country. They can still come round to yours or you go to theirs before or after the meal. If the day before or after Christmas Day. Nothing wrong with wanting someone else to do the prep, cooking and washing up for a change.
Daddydog · 07/10/2021 23:31

Totally understand your mum. It's the fact we are compelled to go overboard because "it's Christmas!!" Not just by your family but by society as a whole. Usually the people who get ruffled feathers when you say you want a quiet one are the ones who turn up, eat, drink and don't find themselves chained to the oven all day! We always host - we love it but it's knackering. Last year after shopping and planning menus for 4 weeks before, our little family of 3 had the perfect lazy Xmas courtesy of Boris! Hate to say it but best Christmas ever 😅

Anonymouseposter · 07/10/2021 23:39

it's irritating that some people think that this must be a reverse.
MN is full of people complaining that they don't want to spend Christmas with their parents or ILs and would prefer to relax at home.
Why shouldn't Op's mum and her partner feel the same?

PurpleDaisies · 07/10/2021 23:41

@Anonymouseposter

it's irritating that some people think that this must be a reverse. MN is full of people complaining that they don't want to spend Christmas with their parents or ILs and would prefer to relax at home. Why shouldn't Op's mum and her partner feel the same?
I think you’ve misunderstood. I thought it was a reverse because I dint think any reasonable person could actually be pissed off at their mum for wanting a break. I thought this was the “mum” seeking reassurance their daughter was out of order.
Mamanyt · 08/10/2021 00:54

I think it is perfectly reasonable to be disappointed, but perhaps not irritated. And since her partner booked it "randomly," perhaps he has an issue?

Fleshmechanic · 08/10/2021 01:11

They want to do something different one year, so what? You have to do the same thing year in year in, might aswell end it all now if that's the case.

Graphista · 08/10/2021 01:24

Wow! Can you seriously not even glancingly think WHY she's chosen to do this?!

Hosting for Christmas is bloody hard work AND expensive and stressful and none of you "children" have offered to take the load off her?!

Tbqh given the tone of the op

We take turns to host

I'm sceptical this is true

I'm from a big extended family and we've had some fantastic big Christmases in the past, mums side was easily 30+ people as she's the eldest of 6.

But we also had "quiet" Christmases where it was just we 5 (mum, dad and siblings) that were just as enjoyable

Then later when it was just me and dd sometimes we went my mums and my siblings and dns would be there and we'd have a great laugh mostly (though there were difficulties with my sister who I'm now nc with)

But we also sometimes chose to just be me and dd and we'd have a VERY chilled Xmas just the 2 of us, eating what and when we wanted, watching what and when we wanted and doing what and when we wanted (dd loves when we do simple "old fashioned" things like card games or vintage board games)

Last couple of years I've been alone at Christmas, suits me perfectly fine! I can do whatever o like, I do my favourite food and drink, watch the movies I want to when I want to, nap, tweet along with Sarah Millican, chat to mum
And dd at some point that day...

The first year mum worried I was lonely and missing out and she took a lot of reassuring, the 2nd year she knew this suited me quite fine. I've done lots of child and elderly relative friendly Christmases, I've hosted, I've done the all singing all dancing big family Christmases, being a scot I've done the big Hogmanay celebrations too inc George square shows and fireworks etc and I did enjoy them at the time.

But I'm now older, disabled (which means I can't stand or walk for long periods, I get sore without a comfy seat etc), and I have mental illness which means being "on" can be quite stressful and exhausting.

But even dd (who is something of an introvert admittedly and finds socialising quite exhausting) likes to not be staying with people for christmas she likes having a bolt hole to escape to when she needs some peace and quiet. She also has a disability (not the same as mine) and so standing about in the cold isn't great for her either.

Christmas doesn't have to be big and loud and bustling

She even said it was her partner who has booked it randomly , and she feels she is going to miss out on precious grandson time !

Sorry finding it hard to believe that too given the op, feel you're exaggerating op

Justilou1 · 08/10/2021 05:36

@Helloitsmepickle2016 said that the DM’s partner has booked it. Maybe HE doesn’t like all the hustle and bustle of Christmas and just wants a quiet one for once… I know he’s very likely not cooking or shopping prior to it, etc, and @Helloitsmepickle2016’s undoubtedly very inclusive, etc, but maybe it’s simply not what he’s accustomed to. Not everyone grows up with Christmas like that.

ElectriciansMate · 08/10/2021 08:23

I’m a mother and grandmother who understands your disappointment. I’d find out why she feels that way. We’re going to a restaurant this year because my daughter is having a baby. But Christmas is for family get togethers so I know where you’re coming from