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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Irritated that my mum and partner are going for Christmas dinner alone ..

218 replies

Helloitsmepickle2016 · 06/10/2021 16:21

Context - we have always spent Christmas together , my mum , her partner , me my husband , my 4 year old , my sister , and my mums partners kids. My mum loves the hustle and bustle of it all and thinks the world of her grandson and has always loved being with us on Christmas Day.

This year she has said she is going for a meal just her and her partner as they’ve said they need a break from it all.

Aibu to think that Christmas is about all being together and spending time with family and the ones you love ? Not to get away from family for a break?

OP posts:
lifecoachingandotherbollocks · 06/10/2021 18:14

Christmas is about whatever she wants it to be as her dcs are grown. Let her live her life.

Sniv · 06/10/2021 18:19

Lots of people who before the lockdowns 'loved' hustle and bustle have had the revelation that actually they don't, really; they prefer quiet time, small groups, no travel, low stress.

Other people are finding that they still want to be busy, but they're out of practice and all the stuff that used to be easy (organising, socialising, hosting, driving long distances, etc) is now draining, stressful and makes them anxious.

I totally emphasise with anyone who wants a low-key Christmas this year.

Hoppinggreen · 06/10/2021 18:28

Your Mum can spend Christmas how she wants.
Presumably you are an adult so are in no danger of finding out the truth about Santa if your mum isn’t there to provide the magic

Chloemol · 06/10/2021 18:34

YABU

KarmaStar · 06/10/2021 18:34

Maybe you can see her for new years and have a family day then op?
Take the chance to have a quiet family day on Christmas day instead.🌈 this year.

Chipsinthewoods · 06/10/2021 18:38

Sounds nice, you don’t always have to do the same thing. why not get together for a walk on Boxing Day instead?

Isababybel · 06/10/2021 18:42

Your mums partner obviously doesn't enjoy the hustle and bustle of your family at Christmas and just wants a nice grownup oriented day?
Yabu.

TheLeadbetterLife · 06/10/2021 18:42

Christmas is a holiday. That's all. The idea that it's supposed to be a time for family and togetherness is a load of mawkish guilt-tripping started by Dickens and propagated by American movies.

For centuries it was just a winter piss up at a time of year when there was no farming to do.

There's no reason at all why it has to be anything other than a bit of time off work, and it's up to individuals how they spend that time. No-one should be pressured into being with specific people or doing specific things. Too many people are pressured, and they find Christmas a miserable / exhausting / stressful experience as a result.

Time off is precious, let them do what they want.

BasiliskStare · 06/10/2021 18:43

Such a cliche but I will say it - Christmas day is only one day - all over the holiday is plenty of time to see grandchildren etc

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 06/10/2021 18:44

@PurpleDaisies

Maybe she doesn’t enjoy the hustle and bustle as much as you think she does.
This
MyPatronusIsACat · 06/10/2021 18:46

I thought you meant your mum and YOUR partner are going for Christmas dinner alone. Blush

@Helloitsmepickle2016 Of COURSE YABU!

LoveGrooveDanceParty · 06/10/2021 18:47

Why are you irritated at your Mum if it wasn’t her decision?

Attictroll · 06/10/2021 18:48

What was last Christmas like for you - in London we couldn't see anyone and turned out to be a fabulous Christmas - I used to say I liked the hustle and bustle but having second thoughts this year

Libertaire · 06/10/2021 18:51

YABU.

Stop trying to control & dictate how others choose to spend their Christmas. If this is how you behave towards your mother, I can see why she might want to do her own thing.

eternalopt · 06/10/2021 18:52

What did she do last year during the Christmas lockdown? Did she have a quieter one and just realise she liked it?

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 06/10/2021 18:52

Well I'm with your dm and her partner on this one.

The hustle and bustle is great but Xmas day is hard work when your hosting as you will know.

I find it truly gruelling when we've got our adult ds and his gf plus our older dc and in laws and my parents.

I put a stop to having everyone for food a long time ago as nobody ever reciprocated

Last year it was us and the dc and older ds and his gf and it was great. No stress or timings hassles.
Food was ready when it was ready and we were a lot more relaxed.

I look forward to the day where we can book a Xmas meal out and really enjoy the experience op.

If her partners the one who booked it he's probably wanting a quieter Xmas. Nothing wrong with that at all

If you always spend it all together it's time someone else got a day they would like Aswell

PeonyTime · 06/10/2021 18:53

Do you never spend Christmas with your husbands family?
Do your Mums partners kids never spend Christmas with their other parent?

Its one day of the year. Spend time with them on other occasions. Mix up the 25th December a bit. Share the excitement around, and let other be less constrained by "what weve always done".

knittingaddict · 06/10/2021 18:58

YABU.

I dream of Christmas with just my husband. We might even get one this year. We achieved it a few years ago, but my husband had to have one of his organs removed to get it, which was a bit extreme. Grin We always host Christmas and if I didn't I might have a different reponse.

Helloitsmepickle2016 · 06/10/2021 18:58

@Libertaire

YABU.

Stop trying to control & dictate how others choose to spend their Christmas. If this is how you behave towards your mother, I can see why she might want to do her own thing.

Really?Hmm you’ve taken this way out of context by calling me controlling .
OP posts:
TheBlackArt · 06/10/2021 19:03

Do you never spend Christmas with your husbands family?

This

FuckingFlumps · 06/10/2021 19:03

Really?hmm you’ve taken this way out of context by calling me controlling .

To be fair to that poster wanting everything the same way every year and then getting cross when someone wants to change that is quite controlling.

Why can't you mix things up and as others have said stay home or maybe for once see your husbands family?

gannett · 06/10/2021 19:09

Aibu to think that Christmas is about all being together and spending time with family and the ones you love ? Not to get away from family for a break?

I can see why your mum wants a quiet Christmas to herself and her partner tbh.

A lot of people put on a game face about loving "hustle and bustle" after being railroaded into stressful Christmases by insistent family members but after realising last year that another option is possible they have said "never again".

Helloitsmepickle2016 · 06/10/2021 19:20

For those asking. My husbands family aren’t around to spend Christmas with

OP posts:
MyPatronusIsACat · 06/10/2021 19:30

@gannett

Aibu to think that Christmas is about all being together and spending time with family and the ones you love ? Not to get away from family for a break?

I can see why your mum wants a quiet Christmas to herself and her partner tbh.

A lot of people put on a game face about loving "hustle and bustle" after being railroaded into stressful Christmases by insistent family members but after realising last year that another option is possible they have said "never again".

This. ^
MyPatronusIsACat · 06/10/2021 19:30

@TheLeadbetterLife

Christmas is a holiday. That's all. The idea that it's supposed to be a time for family and togetherness is a load of mawkish guilt-tripping started by Dickens and propagated by American movies.

For centuries it was just a winter piss up at a time of year when there was no farming to do.

There's no reason at all why it has to be anything other than a bit of time off work, and it's up to individuals how they spend that time. No-one should be pressured into being with specific people or doing specific things. Too many people are pressured, and they find Christmas a miserable / exhausting / stressful experience as a result.

Time off is precious, let them do what they want.

This. ^ I have no idea why people are so focussed on this big family Christmas, a-la Eastenders/Corrie/American movies etc etc etc.

It perpetuates the myth that everyone needs to be and SHOULD be with a bundle of people at Christmas, preferably blood relatives, and should all preferably spend Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and Boxing Day with all these people.

Someone in the family (always a woman) is going to have a really stressful and difficult time trying to sort everything; the gifts for everyone, and all the food and drink of course, for 8 to 15 people. Some of who will want vegan, veggie, no turkey, (but red meat instead,) no dairy, gluten free food etc etc... And everyone has to sit around smiling and making polite conversation with everyone.

40 or so years ago, as children, me and my brother used to love aunts, uncles, and cousins popping around to see us on Christmas day, and especially when they stayed for dinner. We had a few Christmases, with 8 to 10 people eating around the table, and several aunts and uncles getting pissed and staggering home in the snow. (We all lived 15 minutes walk away from each other...) And it was fun - for us.

Me and my brother would eat all the Christmas tree chocolates, and play with our toys and board games, and go out to play with our friends...

But for my mum, it was really stressful. She said (a few years later) that she really envied Jack and Violet over the road, (a couple in their 50s at the time,) who had no kids and no parents and just one sibling each who they would see just a week before Christmas. Then they'd spend Christmas alone with just the two of them and their 2 dogs. They seemed so relaxed and happy and went for walks, lay in til 11am, and popped to the pub a few times. 'Bliss' my mum said.

We have these Christmases now. We did have the kids at home for 20-ish years, but since they left, they spend Christmas with their partners, and we spend it with just me and DH. We see close family and the DC a few days before Christmas, and then spend Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and Boxing Day alone.

I loved big family Christmases when I was a kid, but when you're the one having to organise it and entertain everyone, it's a totally different kettle of fish.

Everyone should have the Christmas they want, and not be guilt tripped by other family members.

@Helloitsmepickle2016 YABVU.

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