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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Irritated that my mum and partner are going for Christmas dinner alone ..

218 replies

Helloitsmepickle2016 · 06/10/2021 16:21

Context - we have always spent Christmas together , my mum , her partner , me my husband , my 4 year old , my sister , and my mums partners kids. My mum loves the hustle and bustle of it all and thinks the world of her grandson and has always loved being with us on Christmas Day.

This year she has said she is going for a meal just her and her partner as they’ve said they need a break from it all.

Aibu to think that Christmas is about all being together and spending time with family and the ones you love ? Not to get away from family for a break?

OP posts:
MummyGummy · 06/10/2021 20:41

OP I don’t think YABU to feel disappointed that you won’t spend Christmas Day with your Mum.

For me Christmas is also about spending time with family, and it sounds like this is the tradition that your Mum has created for your family as well so it’s understandable that now she wants to change that you feel a bit put out.

Maybe you could talk to her about why she finds it stressful to see if there are changes that could be made so everyone is happy in future years?

Againstmachine · 06/10/2021 20:47

Let them have there me time there are plenty of other days you can spend together.

BasiliskStare · 07/10/2021 00:02

My parents are going to my brother's & SIL this year - they live a great deal nearer to each other than DH & I do - they would always be welcome but whatever they want to do they should do it. Last year they had Mum's best friend round ( they were a bubble ) 3 of them and that was it. They had a lovely time.

I suspect this year we may be just the 3 of us ( possibly niece as well - but depending on her plans ) but even if it is just DH DS & me - it will be great. We do like to make a Christmas dinner ( though goose and turkey have been shoved under the bus - duck for us ) & I do like a tree - but the longer it does on the more we think - don't over egg it . Just do what feels nice and then relax.

& what happened to The Great Escape not being on on Boxing Day - it was the law back in the day - surely Grin ( Slightly going left field there )

Hydrate · 07/10/2021 06:37

Invite her & her dp come over to visit on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day, do presents to and from them then, have something to eat, take some group pictures, whatever you enjoy.

Fluffmum · 07/10/2021 17:43

Maybe something is wrong. And they want to spend quality time together

Roxy69 · 07/10/2021 17:52

They might want a change, it is possible she doesn't want to upset you. Grandson time is 364 other days of the year so I wouldn't worry. You just have to let her be happy and not give her any grief about not spending Christmas day with you.

LouLou789 · 07/10/2021 17:56

I’m a grandma and I know several of my friends who either go away for Christmas, or spend it alone by choice. I also know a few who are included in the annual hustle and bustle and find it all too much, too noisy and too tiring, and would love to be assertive enough to announce they were having a quieter Christmas. It would maybe be good to find a compromise and welcome them for an hour or two, so they can spend the rest of the day how they choose?

lindyloo57 · 07/10/2021 17:59

@CyclingIsNotOuting same here we spent last Christmas on our own for the first time in years and loved it, doing the same this year, my Grandchildren are 17 and 20 , so they don't mind that we won't be there, they will pop in later for a catch up.

Lolabray · 07/10/2021 18:20

Have to argue the other point back here. Perhaps your partner wants some quality time with their parent? I spend each year with my mum and kids and don’t want a partner there as my mum is getting older and have her to consider. In the past I met up with my partner who went to his parents for dinner too. There was never an issue with this

cherish123 · 07/10/2021 18:28

Is it quite a new relationship your mum is in? Could she have Christmas day with her OH and then a family day the day before?

Madamum18 · 07/10/2021 18:34

Stop trying to control & dictate how others choose to spend their Christmas. If this is how you behave towards your mother, I can see why she might want to do her own thing

Libertairem that is unfair

helloitsme to be honest I suspect you mum is a bit piggy in the middle with her partner, who has clearly decided he needs a break from the routine! .Why dont you suggest a New |Years get together in stead as a compromise? Flowers

Kite22 · 07/10/2021 18:35

Much as I am NOT a fan of restaurants and pubs serving food on Christmas day - I think chefs, waitresses, washer uppers , bar staff, front of house etc should not be made to work on Christmas day - I fully understand your Mum and her partner's wish to do something different for a change. It sounds like it is very busy and full on with a lot of people there and sometimes people want a break from the noise of that.

Doesn't mean you can't invite them all round on a different day which feels a bit less pressured. We always meet with dh's extended family sometime over the Christmas break, but it is not the whole day and it is a buffet which we all contribute to and is a more relaxed get together than all trying to sit down together for Christmas dinner. Why not do something like that?

Barmychick · 07/10/2021 18:53

Don't begrudge her the Christmas she's chosen.

lindyloo57 · 07/10/2021 18:53

@MyPatronusIsACat well said, couldn't agree more, my husband and I had our first Christmas alone last year, as lot of people did, and we will this year too, we really enjoyed the no stress Christmas, my children are in their forties and have grown up children so for years we did have busy Christmases.

Owl55 · 07/10/2021 18:56

Perhaps she hoped you or someone else offered to take a turn hosting dinner , Christmas is a time to be together but when you are the one doing all the work , end up exausted and get no help maybe she thought “Sod it!

HeartsAndClubs · 07/10/2021 19:01

We regularly have threads on here from OP’s who are sick of spending every Christmas at the ILs, and they are never deemed unreasonable.

And tbh I think it’s a bit low to start out with saying OP’s mum doesn’t want to spend Christmas there, and then, when she didn’t get the replies she wanted, to claim that it was actually all the partner’s doing, presumably to create the idea that the mum was in an abusive/controlling relationship.

TBH I don’t even think the partner is wrong for putting his foot down and saying he wants to spend Christmas with just the two of them. It’s not just your mum’s Christmas.

I actually know quite a few people who loved spending Christmas with just their DH’s and kids so much last year that this is going to become their new tradition.

Mygirlruby · 07/10/2021 19:04

Christmas day imo is an ordeal, whether or not you dearly love your extended family, so good on your mum for saying she's going to do what she wants. Maybe all her adult life she's done what other people have wanted on Christmas day, I know I have. The best bit of Christmas is the run up to it anyway.

Bleachmycloths · 07/10/2021 19:06

When you get older and have had many, many Christmases you can get pissed off with the whole thing. If your mum and DP visit Christmas morning, see the children, swap gifts, have a quick sherry then go off for their meal surely that would be acceptable? If your mum is still working she might want to be quiet and waited on for a change?

BeenThruMoreThanALilBit · 07/10/2021 19:08

Your Mum’s partner may not like the hustle and bustle as much and she does, and he’s allowed to decide what he does with his Christmases too. That’s life.

phoenixrosehere · 07/10/2021 19:12

Yabu.

Your mum is allowed to choose how she spends her Christmas. It’s one Christmas. Maybe you can see her some time after.

Ducksareruiningmypatio · 07/10/2021 19:17

I've yet to break the news to my mum that I'm not seeing them at all over Christmas this year.
I absolutely hate Christmas with them but normally don't have an option.
I have a lovely new partner and we are doing Christmas just the two of us.
I cannot wait! Smile

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 07/10/2021 19:25

Good for them, DH & I are doing the same

BlueVira · 07/10/2021 19:38

Yabu

MorganKitten · 07/10/2021 20:04

Don’t be selfish. Let her have a Christmas off.

JustDoingMe · 07/10/2021 20:21

I was thinking the same thing!

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